Category: Uncategorized (Page 1 of 30)

AS YOU KNOW

 

So as you know, we are in the middle of the 1868th reiteration of ‘let me show you of how I can land on a beach using my big muscles’ campaign.

 

This is an extraordinarily dangerous episode of ‘How Big Is My Navy’ and can mean multiple navies who all like cheap goods but not China get together and parade their ships around.

 

They also do things with very expensive helicopters and things under the sea that no-one can know about. 

 

Even those monocled morons who totally stuffed WW1 and led to thousands of Australians getting together on a beach in Turkey are making waves via ships and training blonde good looking people called Ukrainians, who have a thing with the Russkies at the moment that generally is not a Euro maiden concert or even a Zelensky vogue photo shoot. 

 

Mitch McConnell helps this along buy basically givin’ em millions after brushing his teeth in the morning once again proving that grey old men from the bank can still hand out money for a weapon like it is sprinkles on a piece of bread and we can all pretend we do not know where they are or where they are going or how they get there. 

 

Boy you should check out the list. 

 

 

To be fair, Russia is still poundin’ em via a few hits beggin’ the question of how this can happen when NATO and the Western Forces of Incredible Capability have more space capability than we would like to admit again forcing us to ask WTF many times or WTFIGO or ‘How Late Is That Moral.’

 

Maybe they have decided that tanks are makin’ a comeback and it is true that Charlie Flynn thinks they are a great idea but Murials scant and obviously thin knowledge of army planning wonders if they aren’t just a massive waste of time and space when you could just do a shit load from the air. 

 

Some people with actual trainin’ have suggested that this would lead to a escalation of activities something that has passed Nancy by this week because she believes that it is clearly an excellent idea to wade into that this week as China and Taiwan also flex their muscles. 

 

We’re only talkin’ about a major global shit-fight so you know, it’s not like everythin’ matters.

 

Zelensky has broken bread with the Russkies on some shippin’ issues but to be fair, there is still the small matter of bombin’ and people with no limbs. 

 

It’s not a red velvet rope or even a Beyoncé photo shoot so she’s lookin’ forward to people relayin’ just how fun it is in 35 degree heat one day. 

 

The old crowd know exactly what I am talkin’ about as they have actually been to a rodeo before but to be fair, unless you are in the situation room with some very serious people your idea of what is actually goin’ on will be minimal. 

 

Or in a bunker typin’.

 

 

I’m not so happy with Archie and Ruby goin’ down.

 

No, I am not. 

 

It’s like the Shia-Sunni thing or the Palestinian thing or the ‘we’re a poor marginal country’ thing. 

 

You know it just doesn’t make me so happy about it all.

 

Cause you were sort of hopin’ that that lot were gunna make longer this Century.

 

I dunno.

 

Not the Sunday readin’ I was hopin’ for Franky. 

 

I just thought it would be different now. 

 

You feel me? 

 

I got me a little chubby black boy and god knows, he’s worth all the gold in the world. 

 

I just thought it would be different. 

 

That’s all. 

 

 

 

Meanwhile, Mitch and the boys are just runnin’ that stuff through. 

 

It gets better though because Ukrainia was the seat of the Russkies defo action for decades but now is Western aligned so has some infrastructure predicated on the old Soviet imprint but now FOB Western stuff and China used to buy their avionic brilliance and this has all coalesced into Russkies bombin’ targets in small little villages in Ukrainia where once people lived and now it is like a vacant amusement park.

 

No-one on the streets and quiet as hell and people shaded by large things that dissuade the Russkies from doin’ anythin’ stupid.

 

It’s not a Bergdorf sale. 

 

The relocation of masses of people at the end of the day amongst designer shops and new buildins’ that reflect somethin’ else around the corner far from the front line, you have to wonder what will emerge from it. 

 

Someone knows. 

 

Be good to know. Wouldn’t it.

 

Europe in the summer. 

 

Long shadows and things that go on that remain behind closed doors.

 

De Chirico. 

 

Zelensky has somethin’ on his hands. 

 

Be good to get to the front, wouldn’t it? 

 

 

While the arms deals come through and NATO moves its little men on the board to different locations, the framing of this conflict into David and Goliath is an interesting one. 

 

If you were to talk about military capability, would you pit Russia as Goliath and Ukraine as David? 

 

The point bein’ that Muriel wonders what will happen if NATO does decide to actually move somethin’ other than Jen’s Lycra cycling outfit.

 

Small cars. They love ‘em. 

 

Zelensky is movin’ people out of regions as keepin’ people alive might be a maxim to go with and the geo lines keep movin’ but information is a premium these days so what you know and don’t know is pretty much part of the whole dealio or should I say, warfare is not just the war.

 

Grain out but bombin’ still ongoin’

 

Figure that out. 

 

— 

 

Nice to discuss climate change.

 

Islands in the Pacific must love it. 

 

In other news, Nance might visit Taiwan and there is a European thing goin’ on.

 

Climate change. 

 

The environment one day at a time.

 

 

Now I guess we’re all getting familiar with little bodies of water that otherwise were convenient backdrops to some ‘Look At Me I am Beautiful and Natural’ holiday shots that now have navies attached and Putin has decided that from St Pete’s that Russia the great is goin’ to buck the Western Wheat Crop with more naval power in Azov and the Black Sea. 

 

Naturally, Muriel is intrigued by this idea as she is also aware of their little operations North which are not to be quibbled with and have nothin’ to do with the Jane Fonda’s of the Western Empirical Might and the timin’ is unusual. 

 

Releasin’ a doctrine while up to your eyeballs in a small regional stoush that might or may not bring in the rest of Europe is certainly novel but how it would change the maritime balance of power at this present juncture is possibly the main dealio.

 

As in – and I will not repeat it again – Pootie, along with the obvs biz dealin’ that goes on behind closed doors and that other little sitch whereby you came in after Yalta on the side of the West before Japan got pummelled negotiated by a guy who could not stand up, I was wonderin’ baby, what does this give you in real terms? 

 

Commercial v naval shenanigans. 

 

The economic sides to war. 

 

Like to be aboard a few vessels to work out how the moves are bein’ traded. 

 

You feel me? 

 

 

Naturally PP has some thermal imagin’ that Ken got from some guy he met after the races when they made a lot of money on a horse and he said that if I was really good and did not just take off like a thief in the night or argue with Ewok who thinks his sister does Sweet FA and I think if I stole that thermal imagin’ from PP while he is doin’ serious office work with his little brow furrowed I would know for sure who is goin’ in and out of those little marginal slits on the map to the South of the current SITCH at hand or I could even peek at some NATO radar but the be fair you won’t see Hoffman on it. 

 

So back to square one. 

 

To be fair, looks like I might have to move to the Fourth Estate scenario. There, you can actually legally ask questions and they legally have to answer you. 

 

I’m not movin’ to Cuomo. 

 

Brangus is waitin for me in the Pacific, we like waves and my boys know how to ride ‘em. 

 

Yacht my arse. 

 

 

That Jon Stewart goes the vets sitch at hand is not to be trifled with.

 

Standin’ up to a system that should put people who served front and centre, like the miners and get real –  never telecast to thousands – about Americans who live well below your poverty line. 

 

No Florida tree lined enclaves there my friend. 

 

Similarly, the ecological rehabilitation after this fracas will be somethin’ to witness.

 

What the fish are swimmin’ with and the submarine dolphin I do naw know.

 

Again, how mariners combine a love of the water with natural strategic ambition is not for my thinkin’

 

It weighs on me. 

 

 

I was hopin’ for a little sub RnR.

 

Other than the distinct possibility that I would find Hoffman hot as, in reality it probably leaves the subs to the professionals after a cursory glance.

 

Still, I know there’s stuff I should know and to be fair, I should be on one but other than the obvs point that my ego does not demand it, it would not be an inconsequential view of history. 

 

If you actually thought little ponds mattered and shite. 

 

Imagine that reality.

 

 

NOW

I dunno about you, but the string of pearls is lookin’ mighty interestin’ at the moment ain’t it? 

 

Just a few riots in Sri Lanka. 

 

They liked the Presidential kitchen. Good. They can stay there. We doin’ other things. 

 

Personally I did not think it was a good look and of course snore bore they think we are going to talk about debt trap diplomacy. 

 

It’s sort of like Brad Pitt in Thelma and Louise but this time they say it is China but really I don’t know. 

 

I think China just builds it all and then we walk on in with a bag.

 

Not a good idea to discuss this in the matter of the Black Sea or with Fancy Nancy Pelosi who has decided that Taiwanese strategic ambiguity is not like Bowie and totally doable but necessary to cast off like children in the night. 

 

Tilda. Take note. 

 

To the matter of the Sea where Turkey sits like a nightclub bouncer making sure that only what they let through can come though givin’ Yelensky – the man who single handedly has revived the fortunes of olive green – more ammo to complain about the lack of willpower to save Western Democracy or everything Yellow and Blue. 

 

To the issue of the Black Sea – where they have decided that wheat can come through according to a late but necessary desire not to starve millions of people, not a great PR look on any given Friday given the bollocking they gave Stalin over the years, Muriel is now taking a look at those rivers that creep up through parts of Europe like a bare leg on a hot summers night. 

 

Never noticed it before but now that DOPEY has decided to go all Franz with his NATO mates – sledging your fellow countrywoman abroad for the second time possibly coming in a close second only to Ike Turner and Jeff Kennett. 

 

Classy.

 

Freddy would not. 

 

The Northerners did this. Giving you a live update as to where the hell everyone might be getting whatever they need whenever they want. 

 

Back to the Black Sea, the question begs if Turkey is running around as the henchman of Montreaux, what in actual fact is happenin’ at these Ports? 

 

As in, if the UKKA Ports are down how they goin’ to get the grain out? 

 

Well like that.

 

Timmy tug boat, not some BFO destroyer doin’ the job so those maritime budgets were worth it. 

 

They are busy doin’ more exercises in the summer heat, ‘cause as you know navies really do not get enough of good climates and water. 

 

Or to put it simply, a totally legit loaded radar a necessary  accomp to find out where in these European seas the proverbial is currently underway.

 

Muriel thinks that the situation of gas pipelines makes everything a little more complicated than might actually be stated as actual fact at the moment, you know, Europe still suckin’ the teat of Russia like glycolic and retinol on heat. 

 

I will not mention it again. 

 

But to be fair, if you have the Sea of Azov, the Marmara and the Med, well, that’s a lot of ocean. 

 

See that? That is called not talking about what everyone might be talkin’ about that might be really important and if DOPEY had not been an idiot I could give you more of a concise summation of the FLOCK at play. 

 

That is, I’d prefer more information. As it were. Rupert. 

 

But never mind, as per usual the development of a rich tapestry dedicated to the strategic shifts will not depend on White Boy And Attitude but someone whose personality is not helicoptered in on a Lacoste shirt at a party on the Med while wistfully looking at bait he cannot and should not touch.

 

I am Muriel and I am here to help.

 

 

ALBO+NAVANTIA=

 

So as you know Albo is overseas oh boy, he iso remarkably revolutionary 

 

He is going to chat to the Navantia boys about stuff and well he was on the election hustings on hydrogen so you know, so radically different from Morrison 

 

I mean, the policy differences are so remarkable.

 

I love the Left. He’s makin’ Blair look like a Middle Way. 

 

Alastair Campbell.

 

But Albo talked about that little thing called China that NATO has decided is a security threat and OUR Albo has said that it should heed the lessons of Ukrainia for Taiwan. 

 

So that’s good. 

 

“China must look at what is happening, look at the result that is there throughout the world, and should be condemning Russia’s actions,” the Prime Minister said on the sidelines of the summit.

 

Earlier, Mr Albanese told NATO leaders that Beijing and Moscow shared a “lack of democratic values”, and declared the two nations’ increasing closeness of posed a risk to all democracies.

 

Boy, he’s early to the party ain’t he.

 

Our closeness to anyone isn’t a threat. Just China’s. I wonder what we gunna do with that little Port Kembla memorial to the Chinese. That gunna put the MUA in real trouble ain’t it? 

 

Australia has according to Albo been the victim of Chinese ‘economic coercion’. I think we have been coerced into takin’ their money but never mind. 

 

How does that fit in with our iron ore and a few other staples? Inconvenient questions. 

 

The Strategic Concept from NATO says they are not transparent when it comes to nuclear weapons, so that’s good. We are of course. We’re just transparent and open. 

 

It is the first time NATO has deemed China a threat since 1949 says the papers. 

 

I dono what paper they bin readin’ but we heard it before fellas.

 

Anyway, apparently Ukrainia hasn’t got enough support which is clearly defies logic as every Western country known to man is wearing blue and yellow like Serbia never happened and Iraq was just a fantasy never mind. White people matter. As you know. 

 

Anyway, we’re supporting PNG with election support – wonder what that means. More ships I guess. And there is Pacific Vanguard so glory, that is going to be fun. I am going to hang upside down from an Albatross helicopter with a banner just to piss Ewok off. 

 

Might throw them some barley sugars in case they are hungry. Keep them focused. 

 

But we’re goin’ to set up a Pacific defence crew, so that is commitment. 

 

I am not sure how it works in with what the Chinese have offered. But we’re schoolin’ them, and if it anything like my defence schoolin’ we got so much to look forward to. 

 

All that detail. 

 

Specifics of it, you know? 

 

We’ll find out when Franky heads up the Forum in July in Suva, while Mikey Noonan sips Blue Hawaiians from a naval balcony. 

 

And they are Blue because the Pacific has just signed something with the UK, the US and Australia called Partners In Blue Pacific – maybe they missed the Y –  which MAY have a security component. 

 

Oh here’s Bluey. 

 

 

 

 

And the Chinese have decided they are goin’ to have a meetin’ on the same day.

 

Oh, here’s Peppa Pig.

 

 

So that is goin’ to be real fun.

 

Disruptive is what some Western analysts called it. 

 

So descriptive. I really love diplomatic language don’t you? 

 

Be a real ball bein’ a part of that. 

 

I can see why Angelina got drunk in the Good Shepherd. 

 

Anyway of course half the Pacific is in Portugal talkin’ climate change which MY BRANGUS has said could lead to territorial expansion. He said that in 2019. So ahead of his time. 

 

Where do they get these ideas. 

 

Brangie, I didn’t know you said that. You just get sexier every day.

 

Glory,  I wish was in Duntroon with Richard Marles. Get to see maps on walls and everythin’.

 

Climate change and territorial expansion. Next thing you know they’ll say that access to water might cause wars. 

 

I think there have been some deals in the Pacific inked recently so um, maybe they don’ need it. But the detail of the deals inked was certainly interestin’ and golly, I can’t imagine what all those people are talkin’ about over there. 

 

Do you think we could save the oceans with some more submarines? 

 

I mean, that certainly is logical. 

 

Anyway, we have been blessed with extraordinary commentary, glory, imagine bein’ a commentator this one ‘The Ukraine War: the Longer the War the More Likely It Is To Be Won By A Sea Power’

 

It’s actually good this one and now that Turkey has decided that Finland and Sweden can also join NATO – it’s sort of like Federer against Djokovic, you know, the Slavs getting roundly laminated in the 20th Century despite hauling Western ASS via a German thing in WW2 – but it is history, no matter – not important right?  So the Baltic Sea looks real interestin’ not sure about the Lake Idea but certainly Kaliningrad well, I will not mention it again. 

 

I just have a feeling that there are alot of Danish Moncler jackets in that part of town. It’s Freddy so totally OK. You know, Our Mary is probably making sure his hair is down with a little bit of spit 

 

Black Sea is a mighty tad more Interestin’ what with Russkie war territory and a few ships and Odesa and Turkeys move to block the whole thing according to a treaty but accept Sweden and Finland as NATO partners so that makes sense.

 

Turkey you are wildly interestin’ 

 

How is the black trade goin’ in that part of town? 

 

There’s also been a tactical retreat but in reality, we have no idea what is happen’ except that 400,000. troops are going in – NATO that is – into Europe. Not insignificant. 400,000. There’s a great map where they all gunna be. Boy. 

 

Washington has announced it will shift the headquarters of its 5th Army Corps to Poland. An army brigade will rotate in and out of Romania, two squadrons of F-35 fighters will deploy to Britain, US air defence systems will be sent to Germany and Italy, and the fleet of US Navy destroyers in Spain will grow from four to six.

 

On top of that, we have the situation where a bunch of poor African countries and those like Yemen – gosh, Yemen, certainly positioned well isn’t it – just seem to be having grain shortages as a result of this pesky Ukrainian war. We certainly are humanitarian. I wonder how that would benefit the tribes of Information Greatness.  Guess they’ll have to go in and be humanitarian again.

 

Maps like no tomorrow I can see it right here. They good maps too. 

 

So good isn’t it. 

 

That little thing called food security. 

 

Imagine the money being made on the trades.

 

Jesus H Christ.

 

Anyway once America has done with gettin’ rid of access to abortion,  everyone will be ready to join the ranks of the military. I mean, you know, maybe they don’t like the demographics of India and the Middle East.  China. Need more of an underclass. That is a good look. I mean, if you can’t look after the ones you got, just have more. 

 

Can’t ban weapons but can ban access to abortion. Are we running with that in Ukraine?  Against China? 

 

We could get the boys to pay for it. That would help rescind it. 

 

As someone said, all of you that did not vote for Hillary should go and hide for a few decades while the rest of us calm down. 

 

Anyway, there we have it. The Russians are colluding with China who is probably givin’ our iron ore to the Russkies who cannot get it to Kaliningrad but five bucks of boiled lollies probably gettin’ around it Lithuania. 

 

Better yet, the West is goin’ cap in hand to Venezuela. 

 

I love it.  

 

Oh the logic of it. 

 

Really, you boys should get medals for this crap.

 

Let’s start with the red textas and where the bits are that are not Western aligned.

 

I am Muriel and I am here to help.

 

Wheat, Ukraine

 

Gee I hope there is more than a wheat crop at stake in the Ukraine. 

 

Anyway, apparently there might be sanctions on Eritrea because well there is a Port. 

 

Do not be fooled. 

 

This is way more complicated than that even if you minus the bullshit Tigray independence thing due to the Chinese interests also in Ethiopia and the Western bases alongside the Chinese base in Djibouti.

 

There is a map here that I love and does not tell you anything about how hot it is in this part of the world. 

 

But it does tell you about Potash and why people like potash.

 

If it is another ‘I am going to blow you up woman’ sort of coded message, naturally I am out because it gets real borin’ for me but it might be wise to think about why they want that pipeline ‘they’ bein’ the Chinese.

 

 

 

Anyway, you can read the long version here.

 

I will not discuss the Somaliland aspect as that is off the charts and I would need to try and work out who wants what map line to change. 

 

Maybe I can sleep with a policymaker while frontin’ a transparency outfit. 

 

That’s always a great way to make a livin’.

 

 

OK so the McMahon Line is sure as hell way on the charts because apparently the Chinese have been namin’ everythin’.

 

See, I can look at that map forever. 

 

It suggests that things might get interestin’ on the border or not. 

 

Anyway, thanks for this because actually I can see somethin’, do not have to hear someone lie to me about what the hell is goin’ on and it still suggests that Muriel was not an idiot in the first place.

 

Would you like to tell us where this is goin’ to end or should I read the Dalai Lama’s tea leaves for inspiration? 

 

Christopher Hitchens did over Mother Theresa for years. 

 

I feel no obligation to be nice to religious leaders of the Pentecostal variety. 

 

Wooden beads have no real value. 

 

 

 

Um Saudia Arabia.

 

Ah I don’t think askin’ for help when you have been loaded for eternity a good look but um, asking for help with Patriot missiles certainly an interestin’ choice. 

 

‘Can you help us violate some of our neighbours?’

 

Salman. Really. 

 

I mean I know this is a proxy sort of Iranian thing but Jesus Christ!

 

A few less fast cars might have helped the situation. 

 

It is not an insignificant amount of money BTW.

 

Didn’t you hand around the hat a few years ago? 

 

Gawd almighty.

 

And what are we to think of the Yemeni children that have arms as big as a stick? 

 

I hope to god there is a good pretext for cloudin’ what you lot are protectin’ in the Red Sea and that Strait. 

 

I mean, if those lot can get all that land on the border of Rich Fast Car Arabville, somethin’ is goin’ down real colourful.

 

Just who is tryin’ to get stuff out of that waterway? 

 

Oh boy. 

 

That’d be worth an interdiction. 

 

Of course you could always make someone feel like they were making headway. 

 

And then just apply the screws at the last minute. 

 

CIC I missed the Duntroon Masters but ah I’m gonna keep my eye on this one good and proper. 

 

Mookie, what are the odds? 

SleekLupine

Hilde, can you send a letter to The Emperor? He’s not happy at the moment 

 

Dear Papa, oh too patronising. Cloying even. Um… Dear Your Lordship, it has come to my attention that you are not happy with the recent subs decision. It might be a bit late to play that card but I do understand. Rachel Carson has a little on her plate at the moment but if you can wait I am sure we can attack some small matters like what happened to Eleanor, why Albo is leader and that dickhead ephemera called a voice to parliament. What did I miss? Sounds like washing up detergent. Don’t be mad. The wanton bagpipe yodel cast a spell. I think. Love Ag. 

 

Slides a letter onto a silver platter 

 

Post haste. 

 

She paces the room 

 

Hilde returns 

 

What did he say? 

 

I’d rather not repeat it. 

 

Oh shit. 

 

Rips open letter 

 

‘Fuck off. ‘ Oh. Seriously. He really is mad. I hate it when he gets like this. He is verbally obtuse. 

 

Is that what you call it? 

 

Send this.

 

Thrusts another letter into her hands. 

 

What does it say? 

 

‘I think that is very unkind. You are an overgrown Asiatic hog that needs to remember I have never been to a Chinese banquet.’ 

 

What does that mean? 

 

I am not sure but it sounds impressive. He is very difficult. Go. 

 

Hilde returns. She rips open letter. 

 

‘Princess, let me know when you might feel it necessary to fight for the issues you opine on so easily. I’ll be here with a little texta to show you the causal link between footwork and policy. You are not shy. Get going bugalugs. At this rate the only thing we’ll be filming is Chitty Chitty Bang Bang. As I said, take a leap into asinine mediocrity. You belong there.’ 

 

So loving. Really. He loves to rail me the bastard. There is no degree of separation. You could almost swear we shared bog Irish lots. 

 

Hilde, quickly send this back. 

 

‘Listen, Emperor, I don’t have time to hear you slag me off, what is the next legislative necessity we need to chat. Unless you’d prefer to watch people take coal from the ground and then 20 years later complain. What happened? Miss two decades? That’s unlike you Edward Scissorhands. Drop the proclamation of innocence. Any pictures of you feasting near the povo’s in China? Mention Ang at all? Love Ag. 

 

Quick. 

 

Hilde returns. 

 

Do you two think it might be quicker just to pick up a telephone? FaceTime? We have that now. 

 

No. I don’t want him anything less than glorious. Don’t ask me to explain. 

 

Rips open letter 

 

‘I do not have time to detail my exhaustive travels through Asia and meeting with a range of people from all walks of life.’ Groans. He sounds like a readers digest article. ‘If you care to find out please do anything anything at this stage to advance a sophisticated agenda beyond a hackneyed white Australia policy that sees you pawing at Jervis Bay like it constitutes a country or your latest rent boy conquest.’ 

 

Seriously Hilde, I should have moved down South years ago. If I’d known it would produce this reaction. He clearly has never been on a JetSki. 

 

‘As for Ang, and the issue of Tibet, there are ways of going about things that produce results long term for the benefit of the whole region.’ 

 

Oh he has taken a liking for red tape. Bull and shit Hilde. Really. He the creative maestro. I see how the creative nation was born! Right here! In this letter!

 

Blah blah blah ‘and it would seem to me you have not given  enough thought to the ramifications of a dated foreign policy predicated on an old Western footprint. Perhaps you’d like a Pimms at Raffles.’ 

 

Well. He’s in a good mood. I’ll read it if I can’t get to sleep tonight. 

 

Send this Hilde,

 

Seen a map lately? Got any idea how it will work? What is your view on Hong Kong? Know what your glorious besties are saying in ASEAN or should I bug the joint? How do you propose you deal with the reality that has people doing exercises in every sea known to man? What about freedoms in Laos? Any inside information or should I bless your ring to find the hell out? We all have jobs to do. Thanks for the tips. It is a little more complicated than that. As you know. Speaking of swathes of barely concealed chiffon. I need facts.’ 

 

Go. 

 

Maybe I’ll call the child Inver. Writes her name in imaginary script. Or OBAN. 

 

Hilde returns 

 

Rips open letter 

 

You don’t seriously believe that bullshit do you? 

 

Well that was brief. Brevity is not lost on me Hil. There is merit to it. Especially with the exotic flourish of Australian.. whatever… anyway send this. 

 

‘You have us locked up and you want her free. Please explain. Also, please feel free to detail Malaysia and Brunei’s position. It intrigues me. What do you want us to do with the energy claims and why didn’t you organise a tribunal to solve all of this for us? I need details. ps: rent boy! You couldn’t win a rigged dog paddle flag race in a triangular hot tub with wing keeled floaties. 

 

Now. Oh Hilde please? 

 

Sighs. 

 

Phone rings. His lordship. 

 

Wing keeled floaties!!! I’ll have you know that once upon a time when I was prowling Bankstown like a lupine slick cheetah

 

Snoring noise oh do go on, howls like a dog 

 

I am under no obligation to tell you anything that 

 

Then I don’t have to tell you anything. Who dobbed me in the other day whilst claiming Chinese surveillance was bad? Of all the good for nothing 

 

I don’t know! Who cares! Get going! 

 

Then I don’t have to tell you anything! 

 

Good! 

 

Good! I have noticed Australians have a real fondness for female politicians you can really tell. 

 

Pauses dramatically 

 

Something in the water! 

 

He howls like a dog. Oh no save me! Quick I need the blue stocking brigade to buttress me into political greatness

 

And the timing! 

 

Now don’t overreact to Gladys being caught out

 

Really! Australian love of female bush rangers and politicians really tells you something. I mean really 

 

Love corruption do you? Never could guess! I mean, which side of your personality is that shade? Magenta? Maybe you and Pru could sit down at a Liberal Party scone meeting 

 

Yells 

 

Maybe I’ll turn into Gra Gra and bag some cash. You can look the other way while I do a few things of national importance. Nothing going on at the moment. Nothing. Not that you’d know! 

 

Anything you want you can have

 

Good! I’ll have a federal seat. A State seat and a two term female PM. Thanks! 

 

Now sweetheart 

 

Doesn’t have to be me. Just someone that represents the new politics! A real live young person. Like, authentic and stuff! Like Charlotte Gainsbourg. You know? Wild concept. 

 

Go for it. Go for it! Why would I 

 

Good. I want a superpac too. 

 

Got it off your chest? 

 

And I’m not driving a political Chrysler either from the back seat. The back seat! 

 

Your choice! Your choice! 

 

You want to talk about ground up? Then tell me why I am still on the ground while a bunch of blokes are watching war games and flying between countries. Because that isn’t ground up baby. That’s a B21 that they won’t let me near. And don’t you ever talk to me about Kei

 

Here we go 

 

There is no fear of abandonment from a woman who is told she is a dero!  There is disgust at the people in comfortable high positions laughing with rouge made up faces about the fact they are not in her predicament! 

 

Oh possum. Diddums. That’s all today? Really I am surprised. Has Hilde taken down all the notes?

 

And BTW. Facts. Not one female American President! Just a fact. 

 

And what? Should we all walk around and 

 

And if I hear one Australian female complain about discrimination while doing another woman in, I’ll put a camera on them for the next 20 years. 20 years! 

 

Anyone you want to thank for looking after you, attending to your every need, lovingly taking you by the hand, creating miraculous gum leaf opportunities or shall we just leave this at the wounds of Carmen Lawrence still searing a little breastplate to hang above the mantle while single handedly reinventing Australian politics? Because it is so you. Today. 

 

What’s wrong with me? I’m brilliant!  I’m determined! I’m… I forget but yes. Alright. Yes. Thankyou. I think…. 

 

Say ‘Thankyou darlings I love you’. I want to hear it. I can’t hear it. Careful, We Can’t Hear You. It is the wind whispering. It is the trees singing. It is little fire sticks rubbing together like little street urchins lighting lamps! It is your new boyf

 

Laughs uproariously

 

Don’t go there. It’s off limits. I said Thankyou ! Thankyou oh thannnnnkyou gods of

 

Laughs

 

Darling we all do it! You just have to relax and think of a 

 

Stop it! 

 

I’m dreaming of a 

 

Stop!

 

Oh I can’t believe you wouldn’t be there amongst it! You’d be such an asset. 

 

Both laugh. 

 

A real live strategic asset. That’s you. 

 

Laughs hysterically 

 

What are we going to do, Ruby Roo? 

 

They laugh and sigh

 

Find another bloody female Premier! 

 

Well if you like snorkels that much 

 

You can’t imagine 

 

I can. Darling, I really can. Sighs What do you think about it all really? 

 

There is silence. 

 

I thought so. Don’t worry. We’ll work a way around it. 

 

Silence. 

 

Strangely quiet is my girl on the topics she loves the most. 

 

Poetry in motion. Pure Irish poetry in motion.  

 

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