How are the exercises to beat the other exercises that transcended the other exercises going in caravan land?
My am I missing your sweaty tent
Not long now darling
You know how those that are truly special are exempt from all rules and regulations
Howard Springs def has a 4 star quality to it
Let’s get to Guinea
‘We are no longer going to entrust politics to one man, we are going to entrust politics to the people.’
Said some bloke who has taken over.
‘Guinea is beautiful. We don’t need to rape Guinea anymore, we just need to make love to her.’
Why, such advanced sentiments.
Imagine the geo-political repercussions of that.
Any wonder I am sitting in a negligee thinking of you?
Shall we discuss the economic bauxite fall-out or a few things a bit bigger?
Move on over.
We couldn’t imagine.
Girls, rustle up a map.
Get your Scout’s badge on.
If they let you, that is.
Hey, it’s Manet not Marilyn but what’s a few vowels after the big brassy main letter?
Sort of like Y and R in the same name.
You feel me?
Now darling heart, isn’t it strange that the persona non grata or tis depending on your morning energy drink that is nothing compared to what the professionals drink – little swarthy minions of muscle led recovery – QATAR is taking alot of these Afghani’s.
See the difference?
Eyes. Money. Country.
Poor people. Papers. Nothing.
What a fucking revolution.
Bags getting stuck with the Aussie lot in the Middle East.
‘We can’t return to BrizVegas’
Well, what can we do with you all in the desert heat?
What could you be doing over there?
MAK and I can rustle up a few hoofs and see how you go around the track.
Breed a Melbourne Cup winner.
All that FAT-I-GUE fashion.
Now what could they be doing.
Thinks of former English protectorates.
And other things.
Big place Dubai.
COVID is the damndest strangest thing.
Dutt Dutt Minister for Defo or the man who brings Ron Mueck sculptures to life – had much to say recently before he heads off to eat Australian lamb with Joe Joe Silverfox Biden.
The Yanks can elect sexy old men.
We just hide ours.
Scottish nose hair. The Epsom salts of the 21st Century.
Bags not being William Wallace. Fuck no.
Where was I.
We need to develop ‘long range strike weapons, offensive cyber and unmanned capabilities, including swarming drones.’
‘We are going to embrace asymmetric warfare as the offensive party rather than the defensive party’
Oh Dutt Dutt.
‘He calls on the Americans to give greater effect to Australia’s inclusion in its defence industry base.’
American missile technology in Australia?
Wonders never cease.
One billion announced in March so we can hop on together and razzle dazzle our Climate Commitments.
Sort of like a horse. Bit pointy. Bit expensive. Bit fucking secret.
If you’re feeling a bit low, just pull out page 2 of Wednesday’s OZ by Greg ‘I have Never Met An American Policy I Didn’t Like’ Sheridan
Seriously, no anti-depressants needed kids. Your teenage angst will be seriously cured when you read this out loud. Take turns. Use different accents. Insert a different country’s name every time they mention Australia.
Kids, when done, scribble over the top and make coloured lanterns from the big words.
I’ll be just desperate to see swarm technology in action.
‘Mum, who let the pool pony’s out’
I love you. I do. This is brilliant.
Wonder what is for dessert.
It’s going to crumble delicately and just melt in my mouth.
Nothing to discuss in Washington.
‘When I said withdraw, I didn’t mean it.’
It is all about consent.
Welcome to the news.
While cammo does GI Joe in your part of the world, with boats and dinghys and weapons systems no person in their right mind would understand, spare a thought for the rest of the world locked down.
We wish we were there.
Beats sitting on your arse, says Trevor.
Oh yeah! Cool! A rocket!
Wish I could be drenched in sea spray and hauling a dinghy onto a beach.
Want some sound?
Toy and MG onit.
‘Ah beautiful position there. Yep, nice landing of the cammo. Cool biceps. Oh look! Wrap around sunnies too! Do you think they are in medal position? I mean, what would push them into GOLD? Canadians are there. The Yanks too. Anyone for a ship shot? Nah, ship shot only gives you bronze. What we need here is
OH LOOK! A Chinese spy ship! Shit mate! That has put the cat amongst the pigeons. Looks like a backyard golf green but never mind.
Oh the NYT has come in hard.
Missile silos! Chinese ones! Sheeet. I mean, the Ruskies and the Yanks have got 4000 each but flock yeah, bloody Chinks. Never mind. Logic has gone AWOL.
Where is Miss Piggy?
Pining for Kermie.
‘Kermie Kermie, get me off this Lilypad and into some action!’
Nah. She gotta work it out Hans Solo like Princess Layla.
That’d be worth a degree or two.
BIg boats. Shit mate. OMG.
Talisman Sabre. The Talisman you have when you want to do Luke. But he might be your brother.
Oh did I mention ASSK is in prison?
Yeah, the military don’t like her.
But ours is cool as FLOCK. FLOCK YEAH.
Now we have some more beautiful images floating through the paradise via Twitter.
This isn’t a B21 which is what everyone covets silently, not daring to touch the wings that cost more than a trip to the shops.
Wouldn’t I. Wouldn’t I. If I could fit it into the EDO Canbra care package, oh I bloody would.
Look at those tanks mate. Big rubber rolling wheels. On sand! I mean, this is almost beach volleyball gold!! Six nations. Wet. Together. In formation.
How much do you think those racing binoculars cost sitting on top of their head? Stuck with Perkins Paste or something more? Hard to say. Hard to say. Bloody expensive guns I reckon. What’s he pointing it at? A Magpipe? Yeah, a magpipe. Oh put it down mate! She’s harmless.
What’s he gunna bust that door open with? His foot? Can’t he see inside with the infrared? Oh geez. How does the Opposition deal with that? This could be a bronze I reckon. He’ll have to go better than that to get the Gold.
Oh I’ve been handed a note. Military to help control COVID in Sydney. Oh yeah, fellas, we’re at the Brisbane Olympics. This isn’t a WARATAH match. AUZMAT BRAVO has gone into Fiji. God we love the Pacific. It is true love. That’s what it is all about here. LOVE. LOVE. LOVE. And shit loads of cammo.
Now we have a
A B-52 Stratofortress aircraft flying alongside
@AusAirForce‘s EA-18G Growler, F/A-18F Super Hornet and F-35A Lightning aircraft.
Look at those big planes. Where is Clarky? Is he alongside? Maybe doesn’t like the ethanol. Vapor fumes a bit much.
It’s a big plane though isn’t it?
Can anyone buzz Clarky? Got a bit on at the moment. He’ll have to pull out the big ones to beat this. He’d have to shave a few seconds off the world record.
Canberra has only offered a spit spat between the Japanese and Chinese diplos. Bloody Canberra. They’d have to be disappointed with that effort. No-one is surprised. Pencil pushers getting involved in the games. Seriously mate. This is Russell doing what it does best. Sweat. Machines. And Friendship.
Was that another ship mention there MG?
Oh shit yeah. We’re full of ships. Big ones.
Another GOLD twitter feed of them in formation. Sort of like sychronised swimming without the bathing caps.
Just the little frilly additions of gunners.
What does a gunner do?
Details are not important, TOY. Just images. The medium is the message.
Note in here, MG.
According to Rear Adm. Chris Engdahl, who commands the U.S. Navy’s Expeditionary Strike Group 7, the ability of the F-35B to integrate with the Royal Australian Air Force F-35A and other assets, such as Boeing E-7A Wedgetail airborne early warning and control aircraft, during high-end air combat training “has just been spectacular.”
Well that is good to know.
What do you think is in the explosives they are loading?
Not sure. But I reckon you’d have to get that right or you’d be out of medal contention. Not sure what the North Koreans, the Chinese, the Syrians or the Palestinians think about that.
Well I think if you loaded up all the bases, all the weapons, all the satellites, all the secret silos and then a little over the horizon action well,
Do you think we really know?
Not sure. I think every team would keep a pretty tight lid on preparations. As long as you have the bold type over the images with a little TOP GUN music, I reckon the public would go for it.
If you just made out dissenters were out and out crackpots
Oh that would be the way to go. Never been done before. Truly original.
Are they getting a bit of dynamic lift with those helicopters?
Oh for sure. Just what you want in a helicopter. Dynamic lift.
And a ski jump deck.
And a ski jump deck.
You reckon there are a few nukes around the place on board?
Oh my word. Can’t say of course. Top secret.
Top secret. Of course. Nothing important.
Nah. Top secret. You wanna go live in Equador? Fuck no! Grow a beard and have no jiggy wid it? NO WAY! Bloody QLD beaches. Cammo. International relations.
Well here we are at the Queensland Talisman Sabre Games and what a sight for sore eyes. Countries united in sheer power and cammo. Tired from the sheer thrill of it all. And hasn’t it been an exercise in precision, formation and leadership. Didn’t see any breastroke, but maybe next year.
Kath get out now! It’s not funny!
If you want your King and Queen back you’ll have to catch me! I’m all ice. You’ll have to lick me to death. It’s Frozen. Are you the bad prince Kel or Kristoff?
Kath! This isn’t the time! I need the pieces back on the board game. Get out of the cool room. Now.
Kim walks in
What’s she doing Kel?
She’s bloody taken all the chess pieces off the board and hiding in there.
I’m the adorable snow woman Kim! He has to lick me to get the pieces back.
This isn’t the time Kath! This isn’t a game!
Yes it is Kim! It’s chess. I’ve changed the rules to spice up Kel’s life. If he can find the King and Queen, he wins.
But you’re locked in a cool room!
That’s right! I’m making it interesting. Oh shit, there’s some off cheese in here.
You’re going to get in big trouble if you don’t start taking life seriously Kath!
I am! Kel needs some more incentivsing. And this is the beginning of the big plans.
I don’t think locking yourself in a cool room is the way forward Kath.
Nobody asked you Kim. It is a very technical appreciation of some complex science.
A cool room?
Yes. I can’t tell you how, but after Kel has his way and melted me for a few pawns, I’ll let you in on the secret.
I don’t think we have time to waste, Kath.
Yes Kath. Time is of the essence.
Kel, blindfold yourself with a sock. It will make it more interesting.
Oh look Kath. We’re really busy. I haven’t got time for puppetry of the pleasure trove.
steps out of cool room. Chess pieces sticking from her ice castle.
Kel, if you don’t lick me all over, I swear I’ll take those F35’s and give them to the poor people. Do you know what the health budget was last year? And there are some countries that really need Covid help! Seriously. It’s not cammo Christmas everyday you know!
Kath, I don’t think you should talk about stuff you don’t know about. Especially looking like a Smurf slurpee.
I saw those twitter feeds and I know stuff Kel. It is my responsibility to take charge. All I am asking is for a bit of down time where we can connect!
Connect Four Kath! Now is not the time!
You left your run a bit late to tell me what is going on! I was twenty years ahead Kel! You can take your lectures and shove it. As far as I can see, I’m just your soccer ball. That’s not a ball I want to go to I am afraid! This slurpee is going to find someone who actually wants to lick me until the cup is all wet and bendy sort of like
Kath! Wake up and smell the oranges! This is a country doing great things! You can’t be half dressed with icicle nipples! It is just not on!
Girt by sea Kel! Girt by sea. And this is water. And by some incredible process it becomes ice. Scientific fact. All working together. A national effort. You need to spend more time with King Neptune.
Kath, if you don’t pull yourself together, I’m going to revise the ugg boot purchase. That’s a fact.
Threats, idle threats. That’s all I seem to get from you Kel. Well things are going to have to change. The Penguin dick sticklers I had on order are going to someone else.
I don’t know. But when I think of them, you’ll be the last person to be reading my mind. And that is a fact.
KH in room with assistants
Has everyone got their hem up right? I mean pulls out tape measure oh I am not sure that will do. I am sure he will want it up another ten millimetres. Gosh Scout, yes, not at all what we need. Another ten mm for you.
Hil, are you showing too much flesh? I hope you are not trying to be funny, Hil. Here at democracy central we are Serious and Together Involved in Important Pursuits and down time will not be accepted unless of course it involves a new battleship or two. But you know, cavorting on the world stage is Just Not Done.
golden head around corner
Oh Dex! Fancy you being here. I was just wording up the gels on your fascinating views on how we should behave. We’ve just been beside ourselves waiting for your grand entrance and now that you are here quick girls, have you got the tribute? Bows low at his feet sweet Buddhist utterings blah blah blah of a Buddhist kind, but as you know, religion is bad unless you are in Tibet. Or Western China, isn’t that right Dex? Although we do only like people that are scientific. So that is strange. And Biden is a Catholic. I’m confused, are you confused girls? Very confusing Dex. Science is very interesting. Just like you.
Well I’m not sure
Oh sit down Dex! Are you weary from all those real estate investment pursuits? Bruise a finger with the share allocations? Quick Hill, bring some ice. Dex is going to regale us with his Favourite Female Australian Prime Minister before letting us in on a few movements around the joint. Bring me a bowl so I can wipe his lovely little forehead and catch the drippings before I give it to the dogs. They’ll think it is a heavenly anointment from their leader who has organised the Whole World with such precision. Quick Hil no time to waste!!!! I mean, big things are going on Dex, aren’t there, and who better to lead it than you?
smiles at him, while saturating him with water
Oh Dex! I hope you don’t feel uncomfortable. Remember, it is just a little water! That’s what they keep telling me. So loving, don’t you think? A real participatory democracy, that’s us! Everyone gets to bag one person out! Full of real compassion and leadership. Gosh Dex, did you think of it? Because you think of everything and you are so clever.
I’m not sure what I could have done to deserve such
Oh darling, don’t speak. I don’t want you to get the idea that we want you to contribute to society via a meaningful exchange. I want you to exist as a symbol! As a leading light! Forget human touch though. And well, love, yes that too. That’s for us Dex. You have to be alone! You have been chosen! To be alone. Not sure what for but anyway, that’s how humans operate. Oh and if you know, you want a little quickie, we’ll do you while you sleep. It’s the way forward! Isn’t that what the Scots say Hil? And they also know everything. Apparently. You just lie back there and let me handle everything. We love you! We just can’t touch you, a bit like the lepers of India. Maybe you’ve introduced a caste system here. One never can tell.
Do I get to
No darling, no. I know everything you think and do which is marvellous, because I then get to put you in invidious positions that humiliate you and when you get upset, accuse you of weakness. You’ll love this, do you think Amnesty has this is in one of their brochures for 3rd World Travel? Because I think we do something glossy, and then discuss the South China Sea imbroglio. Do they have that in the military commando shots coming out of QLD because I guess you could actually open a can of worms on this and then wait oh no Dex, bad timing. Really bad timing. Probably not a good idea. We wouldn’t want that. wipes sweat from brow. Darling you have been preserved so well. How did you do it? I was thinking, what about a little granite carving in Lane Cove? Sort of like a Grotto. What about Balmoral? Too waspy for you. You are all edge and dangerous precision. Let’s see. sighs. Lithgow? I’ve got it. How about we do a twin rock formation jutting out from Jervis Bay! Oh Dex. That might upset my Captain and I know you don’t like idle gossip. Or girls who cavort on pontoons. Might embarrass you! Satire can be soooooo unseemly, don’t you think? Oh Dex, that would never do.
I just thought
No! I have the policy here, ready just for you. Lead is my middle name, and lead I will, just for you! If you are going to lead, you have no time for idle pursuits like satire! Good god no! Just good old fashioned behaviour according to what Dex sees as appropriate, and darling here I am to fulfil your every wish and desire. whispers Quick question Dex, you might actually have to tell me something or god forbid, talk to me about you know, the thing, because I’m not that good at charades and years of university didn’t train me for obtuse directions about something so significant. You catch my drift Dex? Gosh you look lovely. A real delight. I mean Hil, look at this man! Together, we’re going to take on the world. Me behind, and he out in front, parting the Red Sea. Or Blue Green Water Navy. Whatever. sighs.
A real team.
KH in bureau on phone
No. No. I don’t know. Has Putin put the peace plan together? Who will withdraw where? Oh yeah, who says? We’ll see. When were the last NATO exercises? Oh darling I have to go, in has walked my adorable fiancee, looking glorious as per usual. No he doesn’t have to ever speak. I do that for him. Okay, okay gotta run honey, love you.
Dahhhhling, how was tennis? Did you work up a manly sweat? I mean not a SEA EAGLES one of course, but a real one.
Looks suitably golden and offers a cheek wordlessly
Doesn’t he look glorious Hil? I mean here is a real man. Committed to the people. Just your average wholesome rural man doing great things without the pomp and circumstance of others, Hil am I right or am I right? I mean a DORIC column just ready for greatness. With a little help of course. That’s me. laughs
Darling are we any closer to finding out what is happening in the North? I was just talking to the Chinese and you know they’ve been in Syria and well despite the telecommunications dealio, I guess the question is
looks at her wordlessly during this, as if observing a phenomenon he hasn’t quite mastered
A figure glides by in the hall, stops, smiles, and pokes his head in
Interrupting anything important?
Ergh. Quick. Everyone hide. The Grim Reaper has decided to join us. Obviously got lost on his way to Mass. What’s up Dex? Didn’t find anyone to eat this morning?
Funny. No it just looked fun in here. grins
Oh we’re all busy with lockdown. You know, following the vaccines and everything. Chinese throw some here, we throw some there. I thought maybe via contract tracing we’d be able to avoid each other. Lucky me.
Aren’t you in Myanmar, Woman of the Year?
Has anyone got a dart? I’ve found a human board but maybe it wouldn’t penetrate. It would require the softness and compassion of dahhling George here. It would bounce off you. All flinty steel.
Red, maybe you could borrow some.
I’ll be sure to hit up the Chinese or the Australians and Brazilians who sold it to the Chinese…. oh I forget the lines get very fuzzy in the WTO who did what to who. Tell me Dex. Are we all on a social contract because I know how fond you are of those things. How to behave. Marks at school. Vaccines. Are you exporting that to Cuba? Is that one of your democracy projects?
I don’t know what you are talking about. But there are things happening in this big wide world.
Oh I thought you wanted me to be McNamara. To sit wordlessly at your feet, espousing greatness while I attempt to speak to the people that matter. Thats the small people Dex and the rich people. And the important ones. But funnily enough, I’ve had some problems. Care to spill your guts or is that what you want me to do while I pore over some map lines?
Just poring over them would be good.
And that assists the great unwashed how Dex? Just a quick question. I don’t want to worry you as you keep anyone who really needs to know something from knowing something. Like, you know how surveillance is bad in China but not here? Like sort of that.
If you support the nation state and you do seem to like the military these days god knows
Oh don’t pretend. That faux ‘I am distant from them, my morals preclude me from acknowledging what we know to be true.’ Dex, I knew you were capable of leaping great heights, but really. George have you ever seen anything so morally dextrous? He puts the Dex in that. Utopia but with shades of undocumented activity.
George looks on wordlessly.
Well, it looks like you have better things to do than be the people’s eyes and ears. I mean, what would it matter? What is it that you do again? I can never remember.
Hil, have you got any knives nearby I want to see if my aim is still in. George, get the wedding invites printed today. I’m ready for a real relationship. Ship being the word of the day.
George, just remember. When you saddle a horse, make sure you look into their eyes. Five eyes here might take you for a ride you’d prefer to forget.
Ignore him. He was just looking for his personality so he could rent it out to a few thousand democracy projects that he wants me to helm. The door is right there, Dex.
Hilda passes phone
Oh, its Rupert.
No, I’m in the nosebleed section. Not for long.
Well for reasons Dex wouldn’t understand. It would require human understanding. Beauty. Strength.
No problem. I can get there in two weeks. Probably best I go in after. Wander around with EWOK.
Over and out chief. Let you know how I go.
Dex looks on
For someone so committed to independence, you sure love people in power, Red.
I was thinking of having a base named after me. Hanging out with VIP’s. How are you on that score Dex?Because contact tracing would have me on my own and you…..that’s right. Where?
Looks like I have time for work. Anyone else or will we just invest the cash?
Dex, goodbye. Make sure you eat so the Christians survive.
Well Elsa, let’s see how we both go. I wouldn’t want you to forget the suffering of Yemen. From the comfort of that screen.
Which designer house do you live in? I want to make sure I find out just so I can see whether you have cameras for Muslims in occupied territories. Or is that not something you’re into these days?
Bye Else. Always a pleasure. Bye George, hang tight. Keep the reins loose. She can get mouthy.
thunders OUT DEX! Now!
starts singing from Kylie Minogue King Or Queen
You stand around the edge
Looking tip top, but you forget
That when I look at you
Baby, I see so much more
You could do
She stands with hands on hips
Really George, he is insufferable.
He looks on wordlessly, little collie look, head askance.
Yes, he sure is interesting.
And here we are
got my snorkle
my thermal beanie
got my scottish flag
BRANGUS I MISS YOU
Just something subtle during these important times
my sat phone isn’t water proof
Let me see
I put contact on it but something isn’t right
hello hello hello are you the Americans
oh he sounds japanese to me
konichi wah rainbow roll without the mayo
what he is sayin’
somethin’ about those bloody exercises
one more maritime exercise and I’ll pull a muscle
can you tell AUSTAL I want the trickle down money
just put it in the front compartment, next to the lifejacket
it’s fluro pink
Marise will pick it up in a brown paper bag
She’ll be incognito
Wearing rhinestone and purple glasses that Barry gave her
Not Kosky the other one
oh that’s just a way of avoiding the relatives
Shit he is coming through
WHERE ARE YOU?
WHAT I CAN’T HEAR YOU THE DOLPHINS ARE SINGING
Winston Surfshirt, you don’t know them
Oh I don’t know I can only hear a chopper engine
Darling what colour do you want the kitchen?
I told you it is camouflage. I had my energy done and I am an echidna spirit. They’ll never know.
I don’t think slate grey will do for me I am afraid.
What does SCOMO think?
The three bears?
Um I think it means they are really hot and can defend the empire
Oh look, some hot chicks too. Can they be Goldilocks?
I can’t spell moral. I’m dyslexic.
Everything I learnt, I learnt from some very important people so I am sorry, I can’t complain really.
But darling, if the tents are going AWOL in Afghanistan, where will we put the pools?
Can you have pools in FIJI?
Why not? We’d love a rugby match, we can watch it on the big screen.
Oh. we’ve been working. We’ve decided to run a Russell Dairy Times day every year. Well we sit around the rocks in our flippers and read the defence white paper. Every time you hear the word ‘capability’ ‘strategic’ ‘rules based order’ ‘threats’ ‘maritime theatre’ and a few other hundred inspiring choice terms, you gotta scull Oban! You’d love it Brangus. I can’t wait for you to join us.
No it is really hard. You have to pick the final figure for the French sub outlay. To the coin! No-one is gunna get it. Oh you’ll love it.
Um yeah I saw. Looked like a firecracker night round a winter bonfire but whatever wets your tent.
Bruce? Oh he’s being Bruce. I’m working on stealth capability. You know how subtle I am. All periscope and burnished steel.
Oh darling I didn’t mean it. I was just trying to make you more resilient. I just don’t want you to be less than you are. You in all that khaki glory. With a flourish of red for effect.
Who could resist it? I’d burst a pipe just looking at you but I know how well you’ve laid them.
I heard the locals still have a dodgy line. That doesn’t sound like you my love. I’ll be over in a jiffy to drink love potions with the locals. We’ll fix it in no time.
Ways and means Kel, ways and means.
Listen, what about a board game? Hydrogen hubs crossed with gas pipelines crossed with energy basins, a little windfarm and you gotta find your way out with your clothes still on.
Oh darling laughs you are such a prude. We need to reconnect I don’t want Canbra to take away that tantric je ne sais quoi. Come here. You’ll be up in a jiffy.