Tag: starring (Page 1 of 6)


Hilde, can you send a letter to The Emperor? He’s not happy at the moment 


Dear Papa, oh too patronising. Cloying even. Um… Dear Your Lordship, it has come to my attention that you are not happy with the recent subs decision. It might be a bit late to play that card but I do understand. Rachel Carson has a little on her plate at the moment but if you can wait I am sure we can attack some small matters like what happened to Eleanor, why Albo is leader and that dickhead ephemera called a voice to parliament. What did I miss? Sounds like washing up detergent. Don’t be mad. The wanton bagpipe yodel cast a spell. I think. Love Ag. 


Slides a letter onto a silver platter 


Post haste. 


She paces the room 


Hilde returns 


What did he say? 


I’d rather not repeat it. 


Oh shit. 


Rips open letter 


‘Fuck off. ‘ Oh. Seriously. He really is mad. I hate it when he gets like this. He is verbally obtuse. 


Is that what you call it? 


Send this.


Thrusts another letter into her hands. 


What does it say? 


‘I think that is very unkind. You are an overgrown Asiatic hog that needs to remember I have never been to a Chinese banquet.’ 


What does that mean? 


I am not sure but it sounds impressive. He is very difficult. Go. 


Hilde returns. She rips open letter. 


‘Princess, let me know when you might feel it necessary to fight for the issues you opine on so easily. I’ll be here with a little texta to show you the causal link between footwork and policy. You are not shy. Get going bugalugs. At this rate the only thing we’ll be filming is Chitty Chitty Bang Bang. As I said, take a leap into asinine mediocrity. You belong there.’ 


So loving. Really. He loves to rail me the bastard. There is no degree of separation. You could almost swear we shared bog Irish lots. 


Hilde, quickly send this back. 


‘Listen, Emperor, I don’t have time to hear you slag me off, what is the next legislative necessity we need to chat. Unless you’d prefer to watch people take coal from the ground and then 20 years later complain. What happened? Miss two decades? That’s unlike you Edward Scissorhands. Drop the proclamation of innocence. Any pictures of you feasting near the povo’s in China? Mention Ang at all? Love Ag. 




Hilde returns. 


Do you two think it might be quicker just to pick up a telephone? FaceTime? We have that now. 


No. I don’t want him anything less than glorious. Don’t ask me to explain. 


Rips open letter 


‘I do not have time to detail my exhaustive travels through Asia and meeting with a range of people from all walks of life.’ Groans. He sounds like a readers digest article. ‘If you care to find out please do anything anything at this stage to advance a sophisticated agenda beyond a hackneyed white Australia policy that sees you pawing at Jervis Bay like it constitutes a country or your latest rent boy conquest.’ 


Seriously Hilde, I should have moved down South years ago. If I’d known it would produce this reaction. He clearly has never been on a JetSki. 


‘As for Ang, and the issue of Tibet, there are ways of going about things that produce results long term for the benefit of the whole region.’ 


Oh he has taken a liking for red tape. Bull and shit Hilde. Really. He the creative maestro. I see how the creative nation was born! Right here! In this letter!


Blah blah blah ‘and it would seem to me you have not given  enough thought to the ramifications of a dated foreign policy predicated on an old Western footprint. Perhaps you’d like a Pimms at Raffles.’ 


Well. He’s in a good mood. I’ll read it if I can’t get to sleep tonight. 


Send this Hilde,


Seen a map lately? Got any idea how it will work? What is your view on Hong Kong? Know what your glorious besties are saying in ASEAN or should I bug the joint? How do you propose you deal with the reality that has people doing exercises in every sea known to man? What about freedoms in Laos? Any inside information or should I bless your ring to find the hell out? We all have jobs to do. Thanks for the tips. It is a little more complicated than that. As you know. Speaking of swathes of barely concealed chiffon. I need facts.’ 




Maybe I’ll call the child Inver. Writes her name in imaginary script. Or OBAN. 


Hilde returns 


Rips open letter 


You don’t seriously believe that bullshit do you? 


Well that was brief. Brevity is not lost on me Hil. There is merit to it. Especially with the exotic flourish of Australian.. whatever… anyway send this. 


‘You have us locked up and you want her free. Please explain. Also, please feel free to detail Malaysia and Brunei’s position. It intrigues me. What do you want us to do with the energy claims and why didn’t you organise a tribunal to solve all of this for us? I need details. ps: rent boy! You couldn’t win a rigged dog paddle flag race in a triangular hot tub with wing keeled floaties. 


Now. Oh Hilde please? 




Phone rings. His lordship. 


Wing keeled floaties!!! I’ll have you know that once upon a time when I was prowling Bankstown like a lupine slick cheetah


Snoring noise oh do go on, howls like a dog 


I am under no obligation to tell you anything that 


Then I don’t have to tell you anything. Who dobbed me in the other day whilst claiming Chinese surveillance was bad? Of all the good for nothing 


I don’t know! Who cares! Get going! 


Then I don’t have to tell you anything! 




Good! I have noticed Australians have a real fondness for female politicians you can really tell. 


Pauses dramatically 


Something in the water! 


He howls like a dog. Oh no save me! Quick I need the blue stocking brigade to buttress me into political greatness


And the timing! 


Now don’t overreact to Gladys being caught out


Really! Australian love of female bush rangers and politicians really tells you something. I mean really 


Love corruption do you? Never could guess! I mean, which side of your personality is that shade? Magenta? Maybe you and Pru could sit down at a Liberal Party scone meeting 




Maybe I’ll turn into Gra Gra and bag some cash. You can look the other way while I do a few things of national importance. Nothing going on at the moment. Nothing. Not that you’d know! 


Anything you want you can have


Good! I’ll have a federal seat. A State seat and a two term female PM. Thanks! 


Now sweetheart 


Doesn’t have to be me. Just someone that represents the new politics! A real live young person. Like, authentic and stuff! Like Charlotte Gainsbourg. You know? Wild concept. 


Go for it. Go for it! Why would I 


Good. I want a superpac too. 


Got it off your chest? 


And I’m not driving a political Chrysler either from the back seat. The back seat! 


Your choice! Your choice! 


You want to talk about ground up? Then tell me why I am still on the ground while a bunch of blokes are watching war games and flying between countries. Because that isn’t ground up baby. That’s a B21 that they won’t let me near. And don’t you ever talk to me about Kei


Here we go 


There is no fear of abandonment from a woman who is told she is a dero!  There is disgust at the people in comfortable high positions laughing with rouge made up faces about the fact they are not in her predicament! 


Oh possum. Diddums. That’s all today? Really I am surprised. Has Hilde taken down all the notes?


And BTW. Facts. Not one female American President! Just a fact. 


And what? Should we all walk around and 


And if I hear one Australian female complain about discrimination while doing another woman in, I’ll put a camera on them for the next 20 years. 20 years! 


Anyone you want to thank for looking after you, attending to your every need, lovingly taking you by the hand, creating miraculous gum leaf opportunities or shall we just leave this at the wounds of Carmen Lawrence still searing a little breastplate to hang above the mantle while single handedly reinventing Australian politics? Because it is so you. Today. 


What’s wrong with me? I’m brilliant!  I’m determined! I’m… I forget but yes. Alright. Yes. Thankyou. I think…. 


Say ‘Thankyou darlings I love you’. I want to hear it. I can’t hear it. Careful, We Can’t Hear You. It is the wind whispering. It is the trees singing. It is little fire sticks rubbing together like little street urchins lighting lamps! It is your new boyf


Laughs uproariously


Don’t go there. It’s off limits. I said Thankyou ! Thankyou oh thannnnnkyou gods of




Darling we all do it! You just have to relax and think of a 


Stop it! 


I’m dreaming of a 




Oh I can’t believe you wouldn’t be there amongst it! You’d be such an asset. 


Both laugh. 


A real live strategic asset. That’s you. 


Laughs hysterically 


What are we going to do, Ruby Roo? 


They laugh and sigh


Find another bloody female Premier! 


Well if you like snorkels that much 


You can’t imagine 


I can. Darling, I really can. Sighs What do you think about it all really? 


There is silence. 


I thought so. Don’t worry. We’ll work a way around it. 




Strangely quiet is my girl on the topics she loves the most. 


Poetry in motion. Pure Irish poetry in motion.  


King or Queen?

Kath get out now! It’s not funny!

If you want your King and Queen back you’ll have to catch me! I’m all ice. You’ll have to lick me to death. It’s Frozen. Are you the bad prince Kel or Kristoff? 

Kath! This isn’t the time! I need the pieces back on the board game. Get out of the cool room. Now. 

Kim walks in 

What’s she doing Kel?

She’s bloody taken all the chess pieces off the board and hiding in there.

I’m the adorable snow woman Kim! He has to lick me to get the pieces back. 

This isn’t the time Kath! This isn’t a game!

Yes it is Kim! It’s chess. I’ve changed the rules to spice up Kel’s life. If he can find the King and Queen, he wins.

But you’re locked in a cool room!

That’s right! I’m making it interesting. Oh shit, there’s some off cheese in here. 

You’re going to get in big trouble if you don’t start taking life seriously Kath!

I am! Kel needs some more incentivsing. And this is the beginning of the big plans. 

I don’t think locking yourself in a cool room is the way forward Kath. 

Nobody asked you Kim. It is a very technical appreciation of some complex science. 

A cool room?

Yes. I can’t tell you how, but after Kel has his way and melted me for a few pawns, I’ll let you in on the secret.

I don’t think we have time to waste, Kath.

Yes Kath. Time is of the essence.

Kel, blindfold yourself with a sock. It will make it more interesting. 

Oh look Kath. We’re really busy. I haven’t got time for puppetry of the pleasure trove. 

steps out of cool room.  Chess pieces sticking from her ice castle.

Kel, if you don’t lick me all over, I swear I’ll take those F35’s and give them to the poor people. Do you know what the health budget was last year? And there are some countries that really need  Covid help! Seriously. It’s not cammo Christmas everyday you know!

Kath, I don’t think you should talk about stuff you don’t know about. Especially looking like a Smurf slurpee.

I saw those twitter feeds and I know stuff Kel. It is my responsibility to take charge. All I am asking is for a bit of down time where we can connect!

Connect  Four Kath! Now is not the time!

You left your run a bit late to tell me what is going on! I was twenty years ahead Kel! You can take your lectures and shove it. As far as I can see, I’m just your soccer ball. That’s not a ball I want to go to I am afraid! This slurpee is going to find someone who actually wants to lick me until the cup is all wet and bendy sort of like

Kath! Wake up and smell the oranges! This is a country doing great things! You can’t be half dressed with icicle nipples! It is just not on!

Girt by sea Kel! Girt by sea. And this is water. And by some incredible process it becomes ice. Scientific fact. All working together. A national effort. You need to spend more time with King Neptune.

Kath, if you don’t pull yourself together, I’m going to revise the ugg boot purchase. That’s a fact.

Threats, idle threats. That’s all I seem to get from you Kel. Well things are going to have to change. The Penguin dick sticklers I had on order are going to someone else.


I don’t know. But when I think of them, you’ll be the last person to be reading my mind. And that is a fact. 

Dex Walks Into The Gin Joint.


KH in bureau on phone

No. No. I don’t know. Has Putin put the peace plan together? Who will withdraw where? Oh yeah, who says? We’ll see. When were the last NATO exercises? Oh darling I have to go, in has walked my adorable fiancee, looking glorious as per usual. No he doesn’t have to ever speak. I do that for him. Okay, okay gotta run honey, love you. 

Dahhhhling, how was tennis? Did you work up a manly sweat? I mean not a SEA EAGLES one of course, but a real one.

Looks suitably golden and offers a cheek wordlessly

Doesn’t he look glorious Hil? I mean here is a real man. Committed to the people. Just your average wholesome rural man doing great things without the pomp and circumstance of others, Hil am I right or am I right? I mean a DORIC column just ready for greatness. With a little help of course. That’s me. laughs

Darling are we any closer to finding out what is happening in the North? I was just talking to the Chinese and you know they’ve been in Syria and well despite the telecommunications dealio, I guess the question is 

looks at her wordlessly during this, as if observing a phenomenon he hasn’t quite mastered

A figure glides by in the hall, stops, smiles, and pokes his head in 

Interrupting anything important?

Ergh. Quick. Everyone hide. The Grim Reaper has decided to join us. Obviously got lost on his way to Mass. What’s up Dex? Didn’t find anyone to eat this morning? 

Funny. No it just looked fun in here. grins

Oh we’re all busy with lockdown. You know, following the vaccines and everything. Chinese throw some here, we throw some there. I thought maybe via contract tracing we’d be able to avoid each other. Lucky me. 

Aren’t you in Myanmar, Woman of the Year?

Has anyone got a dart? I’ve found a human board but maybe it wouldn’t penetrate. It would require the softness and compassion of dahhling George here. It would bounce off you. All flinty steel.

Red, maybe you could borrow some.

I’ll be sure to hit up the Chinese or the Australians and Brazilians who sold it to the Chinese…. oh I forget the lines get very fuzzy in the WTO who did what to who. Tell me Dex. Are we all on a social contract because I know how fond you are of those things. How to behave. Marks at school. Vaccines. Are you exporting that to Cuba? Is that one of your democracy projects? 

Looks bemused.

I don’t know what you are talking about. But there are things happening in this big wide world.

Oh I thought you wanted me to be McNamara. To sit wordlessly at your feet, espousing greatness while I attempt to speak to the people that matter. Thats the small people Dex and the rich people. And the important ones. But funnily enough, I’ve had some problems. Care to spill your guts or is that what you want me to do while I pore over some map lines?

Just poring over them would be good.

And that assists the great unwashed how Dex? Just a quick question. I don’t want to worry you as you keep anyone who really needs to know something from knowing something. Like, you know how surveillance is bad in China but not here? Like sort of that. 

If you support the nation state and you do seem to like the military these days god knows

Oh don’t pretend. That faux ‘I am distant from them, my morals preclude me from acknowledging what we know to be true.’ Dex, I knew you were capable of leaping great heights, but really. George have you ever seen anything so morally dextrous? He puts the Dex in that. Utopia but with shades of undocumented activity. 

George looks on wordlessly.

Well, it looks like you have better things to do than be the people’s eyes and ears. I mean, what would it matter? What is it that you do again? I can never remember.

Hil, have you got any knives nearby I want to see if my aim is still in. George, get the wedding invites printed today. I’m ready for a real relationship. Ship being the word of the day.

George, just remember. When you saddle a horse, make sure you look into their eyes. Five eyes here might take you for a ride you’d prefer to forget. 

Ignore him. He was just looking for his personality so he could rent it out to a few thousand democracy projects that he wants me to helm. The door is right there, Dex.

phone rings


Hilda passes phone

Oh, its Rupert.

Hello darling. 

No, I’m in the nosebleed section. Not for long.

Well for reasons Dex wouldn’t understand. It would require human understanding. Beauty. Strength. 

How long?

No problem. I can get there in two weeks. Probably best I go in after. Wander around with EWOK.



Over and out chief. Let you know how I go.

Dex looks on

For someone so committed to independence, you sure love people in power, Red.

I was thinking of having a base named after me. Hanging out with VIP’s. How are you on that score Dex?Because contact tracing would have me on my own and you…..that’s right. Where?

Looks like I have time for work. Anyone else or will we just invest the cash?

thunderous look

Dex, goodbye. Make sure you eat so the Christians survive. 

Well Elsa, let’s see how we both go. I wouldn’t want you to forget the suffering of Yemen. From the comfort of that screen.

Which designer house do you live in? I want to make sure I find out just so I can see whether you have cameras for Muslims in occupied territories. Or is that not something you’re into these days?

Bye Else. Always a pleasure. Bye George, hang tight. Keep the reins loose. She can get mouthy. 

thunders OUT DEX! Now!


starts singing from Kylie Minogue King Or Queen

You stand around the edge

Looking tip top, but you forget

That when I look at you

Baby, I see so much more

You could do

She stands with hands on hips

Really George, he is insufferable. 

He looks on wordlessly, little collie look, head askance.

Yes, he sure is interesting. 



And here we are

got my snorkle

my thermal beanie 


got my scottish flag


Just something subtle during these important times 

my thermos 

my sat phone isn’t water proof

Let me see

touches buttons 

I put contact on it but something isn’t right

hello hello hello are you the Americans 

oh he sounds japanese to me 

konichi wah rainbow roll without the mayo

what he is sayin’ 

somethin’ about those bloody exercises 

one more maritime exercise and I’ll pull a muscle 

can you tell AUSTAL I want the trickle down money

that’s right 

just put it in the front compartment, next to the lifejacket

it’s fluro pink

Marise will pick it up in a brown paper bag

She’ll be incognito

Wearing rhinestone and purple glasses that Barry gave her

Not Kosky the other one 

Oh der


oh that’s just a way of avoiding the relatives 

Shit he is coming through




Winston Surfshirt, you don’t know them 


Oh I don’t know I can only hear a chopper engine 

Darling what colour do you want the kitchen? 

I told you it is camouflage. I had my energy done and I am an echidna spirit. They’ll never know. 

I don’t think slate grey will do for me I am afraid. 

What does SCOMO think? 

The three bears? 

Um I think it means they are really hot and can defend the empire

Oh look, some hot chicks too. Can they be Goldilocks? 

I can’t spell moral. I’m dyslexic. 

Everything I learnt, I learnt from some very important people so I am sorry, I can’t complain really. 

But darling, if the tents are going AWOL in Afghanistan, where will we put the pools? 

Can you have pools in FIJI?

Why not? We’d love a rugby match, we can watch it on the big screen.

Oh. we’ve been working. We’ve decided to run a Russell Dairy Times day every year. Well we sit around the rocks in our flippers and read the defence white paper. Every time you hear the word ‘capability’ ‘strategic’ ‘rules based order’ ‘threats’ ‘maritime theatre’ and a few other hundred inspiring choice terms, you gotta scull Oban! You’d love it Brangus. I can’t wait for you to join us.

No it is really hard. You have to pick the final figure for the French sub outlay. To the coin! No-one is gunna get it. Oh you’ll love it. 

Um yeah I saw. Looked like a firecracker night round a winter bonfire but whatever wets your tent.

Bruce? Oh he’s being Bruce. I’m working on stealth capability. You know how subtle I am. All periscope and burnished steel.

Oh darling I didn’t mean it. I was just trying to make you more resilient. I just don’t want you to be less than you are. You in all that khaki glory. With a flourish of red for effect.


Who could resist it? I’d burst a pipe just looking at you but I know how well you’ve laid them. 

I heard the locals still have a dodgy line. That doesn’t sound like you my love. I’ll be over in a jiffy to drink love potions with the locals. We’ll fix it in no time.

Ways and means Kel, ways and means. 

Listen, what about a board game? Hydrogen hubs crossed with gas pipelines crossed with energy basins, a little windfarm and you gotta find your way out with your clothes still on.

Oh darling laughs you are such a prude. We need to reconnect I don’t want Canbra to take away that tantric je ne sais quoi. Come here. You’ll be up in a jiffy. 

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