Tag: starring (page 1 of 3)

Cooking Up A Storm.


Ah, Ms Whitlam. Do you have a theory on the current state of world affairs? 


Boris will be fine. Europe and the North will miraculously recover and the enlightenment will continue unabated. 




No. Thoroughly of the human type, as in ‘coexistence of the State and religion as has been the case for many a year, even quite possibly, during World War Two when the Catholics and Nazi Germany decided 


Ah! History while under house arrest. 


Yes, god forbid. Why read history and quite possibly run a line between current Catholics and political stance regarding Commies and the DLP when you can cook and share it with the populace like a 


I see. It is a difficult life you lead. Doing backflips over your own policy. 


Oh but didn’t you know? Australians are Wilson. They must be Wilson because they are so compassionate. 


Do you intend to actually head out into the field and meet real humans? 


Possibly yes. Depending on the level of conversation. pause Whatever the hell is going on in the North, you can’t let Spain and Italy and whoever else 


On a rescue mission are we? 


Why do I have to endure you again? I thought only essential workers during the crisis 


The therapy couch was yesterday. We all know how you like new furniture. How about a Christian hand-made table? You can put your spiritual doily on it. With the little image of the Virgin Mary. 


That depends on what’s for dinner. Trussed up pig out of Canberra or Washington Souvlaki. What a choice. I was thinking you. 


Ah but I can’t. When I go to dinner, I actually like to eat things that aren’t served on a bed of thorns.


How civilised of you. And you the artisan of the bed. Savonarola clearly left you tips on scaring the populace out of their wits during a crisis. And then…like a little miracle of Western grace, you bring them together. Via Instagram. Or was that The Australian? 


How odd. I was thinking the very same thing about you. 


I wasn’t to know better. 


You did know better. 


How could I have known better if you spent the best part of a decade making sure I did not know anything!


With good reason. It would seem. The information was there. You just had to interpret it wisely, but no, little Miss in a hurry to rule the world 


Oh if I had stayed here I would have fallen into a vat of depression surrounded by people playing ludicrous games of 


Anyway, as you know people are sick 




I wouldn’t play that one now. 


Terrorism. Bio-terror. It is all the same. They want us afraid. 


Too late. The State has made a run for it. 


Not everyone believes the State can just operate without oversight. There are people that need 


You are the horse. 


I am everyone’s horse. 


Well then. What will we start with? 


Are you accessing everyone’s data while we are all in lockdown? 


Ah, starting with a question. Not exactly what I had in mind. I was thinking more ‘doing’. 


I think you are using this as a test to see what happens at a telecommunications level and telcos and tech will be the winner. 


Obvious. And what? 


Everyone has had to return to the homeland. There would be a fair bit to that. 


Hmm. Now we’re going for the ‘no information but speculation works’ method. Not quite where I had you. 


The wet markets might go. 


So? Possibly. You’re holding back. Why the sudden hesitancy? I think you may have developed a conscience!  Yes. It seems to me, yes, you may have actually thought about what every action could have on the wee little people that you are  protecting. Or is this an Augustinian tilt at crown? My goodness me. Ned Kelly throws away the armour and 


I’d learn to spell conscience. I’d hate for some of you to wake up one day and realise just how many were on the other side. 


How strange you look, uncomfortable with your own power. 


Oh, I’m very comfortable. The question is, how comfortable will you be if and when I really do decide to make all the decisions? 


The great thing about life is the ability to just enjoy it. laughs 


I’ve always thought your face would look good on the side of butter. With my knife just delicately carving 


Now now. Don’t say carve. Say hack.


You plus snout and political gravy train. How is that for accurate or should I spell it? 



You say Bull. I Say Bullock.



We need you to be the bull. 


Oh really! How fascinating. I really didn’t know. All that provocation. 


Everyone is 


How are the national efforts going? Is Warney doing wonderfully with the hand sanitiser? Gosh. What remarkable people these industrialists and spin bowlers are. If only I learned to play cricket better. Such humanitarians. 


This is a very serious 


Hmm. Wait. Bio-tech. Tech companies. Defence. The State. Goodness me hasn’t Xmas come early for some! 


China has come out of this 


Has it? Imagine not having parliament sitting. Then you have emergency powers. I wonder what people who have to do important things will do with all that time? 


We have been through bush fires and now this so why don’t you 


Wait. What will I do? Plenty of time to work on the shares. Round of golf. Pity of course that I can’t sit on a board and find out exactly  


People are unemployed 


You have been talking this up for ten years. It is almost as if a bunch of rich spoilt kids want a depression. But you can’t. 


It is market 


No it is not. The market has had the invisible hand of the State give it a nice fondle. 


Not funny. 


Funny. The panic is ridiculous 


That’s life 


You’d be lousy in a war. I mean, really lousy. Anyway, anyone want to tell me why this virus is bad but why chemicals in food are fine? 


To put in place 


Easy to put in place. If you don’t fix it now, you’ll be hammered with legal. I hate to think how many people have already been affected. But you know, only lowly citizens. 


You can’t know, won’t know 


That’s what big tobacco once said 


And look who still supports them? The cool generation.


Fading. Not really. Young. Stupid. 


Stop taking on these topics that require 


People have already done it for me, honey. That boat has sailed. With any luck, the trash that usually are given sub standard produce will now rise up 




Rise up and 


How can they rise up?


Refuse. Refuse point blank to accept poor or substandard produce without labelling. Enforced 


Impossible. In India? Most of Asia?


Well, then the rulers will be liable for health inequality. 


That has been going on for 


Anyway. There you have it. I raised the issue. I made the point. I used all the tools available to me with incredible energy efficiency. I advocated, I protested, I lead. Now tell me something, in the last 25 years, who has been making sure that people are protected from chemicals in the food and water? Other than Prince Charlie. 


You are a


And I want to meet them. I want them to change legislation and I want them to work with the military. 


They probably already do!


Well. You never bloody know do you. All fucking top secret. I want it. I want it now, and I will win and prevail because she whispers this one is easy. It’s not like in 50 years I won’t be right 


We can’t bloody tell you and you are in charge so shut up!


If I am in charge and I don’t know, I’d say there is some discrimination in the workplace. Feel free to throw anyone who needs to tell me anything my way. I mean, we all have time. Now that we have strong government. 


She grins. He glowers. 

Brief Encounter

My Lady,


Greenhouse gases 


Wait. Only ‘green people’ can work for ‘green’ issues and others are in ‘houses’ not homes? 




What the hell does that mean? I mean, what does that mean? What does climate change mean? I mean, what does it really mean? Does it mean ‘ah we’ve gotta cut the bullshit chemicals floating out into the atmosphere and making people sick’ or does it mean ‘we don’t like people on missions’. Or people who have missions must be in the red line not the green line. I mean what are you talking about? 


What the far


Why are they greenhouse emissions? And why are e-missions bad? I mean, sure if you are talking about a big fat wank, well, that we can agree on but seriously your words do not led any clarity to an issue of incredible importance. 


There have been numerous articles giving you enough facts 


Either the world is getting hotter or it is not. Is it part of the trade issue to the North and the sea lanes opening thus more trade or is it simply that the Yanks let too many missiles rip and now we all have to pay the price? 


The issue is consumption and 


Really? I mean that Thule thing could or could not be an issue. Wouldn’t be a great issue would it. And then you have the level of plastic still used to wrap food by large amounts of people, homes being built that require multiple ‘non-renewable’ resources and a shit load of ‘non-natural’ chemicals. I don’t know why people are sitting around beating the PM over the head. 




He was probably in Hawaii for strategic reasons 


He was 


During the Iran fiasco? Anyway, 30 years of policy one PM does not make. Why don’t civil servants get it? If we are in a democracy, why aren’t they changing policy? What the hell are they doing? 


The deal is that you get elected and you take the rap. 


So pygmy controlling types with power aspirations run the country and dufus takes the hit.


Yes. Unless of course you are the Queen 


Oh precisely my point. I don’t see American tweets about democracy in Islamic partners. No, nothing at all. 


This is tedious. What is your point? 


My point is change the policy. China is probably way ahead 


You don’t know that and we are in the middle of people without homes, burnt out lives 


And why is that? 


Because, we have endured drought and suffering and the climate 


Has changed. 




Like the refugee issue, I feel all that happens is that massive suffering and real resilience is couched in terms that I cannot relate to. It is almost as if they want it to become a banner issue so we cannot understand the reality. 


Bravo. They must have a special this week on illuminating compassion that comes in quaint little botox vials. 


And cynicism in tight pants with bulging pockets. Piss off before I sense a personality. 





(Red curtain, glittery very Baz) 


schoolroom with teacher 


‘Welcome Kids. Today I am going to introduce you to the native species of Australia. Snakes, spiders, possums and perhaps even a selfish little troglodyte wombat. But we still love them. Anything that makes us money. Now stand back. They won’t hurt. Just don’t let them anywhere near you and your digital wallet.’


Kids stuff phones back into clothes.


Curtain goes up 


Big truck.


Out of it pour men in tight white t-shirts and stubbies. They lower back and carry something out like servants carrying bamboo throne. It is Gina Rinehart on a bamboo throne. Got a pith helmet on. They lift her deftly onto her feet. She is wearing one of those kaftan things, bejewelled. 






She is on roller skates, with roller girls behind her.


I’m substantial

Yeah I am substantial

Just like my wealth

We like it big over here

So I went big


Chorus: yeah big


Look at me now

I’m the Queen of it all

Latifah ain’t got nothin’

On me


Just ditch

The little witch

After your father’s drawers

A mail order bride called Rose



I am the thorn

In that little debacle


And before you know it

The Asian beat with the

Mans in Mosman Park

Was running out the door

After I hit the legal beat

And ate her alive


Chorus: Yum Yum Yum


(Gina on the phone)


Oh Imelda

Rose wants your shoes

She needs to sell them for the court case


Gina Aside: Just on the phone to Manila 


If you wanna Lady Macbeth

You better get lost

Dead beat


In WA we breed ‘em big

With biiiiiiig



That are mine

Oh and a few Chinese

But that’s a small matter


I’m in command

If we’re gunna rip it and

Truck it

It will be my famileeeeeeee

Those I speak to of course

That will enjoy




Chorus: laugh and throw money


Yeah I am big

Big damn it

So terribly big

My brain weighs as much

As my

Bullion bars


It’s just what this country needs

Is another powerful


Like me


Pauline please

You can’t fuck with us

No sirreeee

We’re tight like

Reptilian danger

In the desert heat

You’re on your own


A big Mack

A convoy

That’s me

Ya either are

Or Not

In the Pilbara


And I happen to own quite a large stake

Who knew?


Yeah I’m big baby

Yeah quite substantial

A rhyming delightful




There ain’t enough cloth

To cover this glorious


Of gold


So get used to

Big Red

Cause you’re


In the Kimberley

Have a few hectares

I mean why not?


I own it all

and I’m big

And I’m red


I’m Gina


A pot

Of gold



2. Wang Yi saunters on stage 


Surrounded by boys in grey suits, on phones 


Very camp


I’m Wang YI 


Well as you know

I know it all

I’m petite

But replete




Look at me smile

Look at me angry

Look at me talking

Look at me at ASEAN


So radically



Of the same thing

Hello Bjorn Borg!


I’m not going to admit to

A little of the tox

And arched eyebrow

Here or there

Is a sign of our

Magnificent empire

Don’t you think?


A little curve here

And a little curve there

Just gotta try and hide all the



Yes I am Wang Yi

A veritable little Mandarin treat

I have the ear the ear

President Xi


Whatever must be conveyed

I display with my



You’d never know

How old I am

Oh go on, guess!


My energetic


And photogenic


Makes me the very picture

Of a perfect

Diplomatic gentleman


I am petite

But replete

With accuracies


We’re building an empire

Never seen before

Well for a few thousand years but ours is better….


And if I may say

I am nimble and with grace

Forget Marty Natelgawa

Compared to me

He was a fraud


(Poor little ASEAN tributaries

Whenever will they learn?)


My name is Wang Yi

Don’t talk currency to me

Shadow banking oh

Pollution please


Have you see the nuclear


Excellent don’t you think?

That Westinghouse…

Must give them some feedback..


When I speak to the Europeans

About the solar panels

They do like to complain while selling

Mouldy cheese 

Not bad wine though

And they aren’t bad

When we want to give it to the



A bit of Iranian crude never hurt anyone 


We’re right up to date

We’ve dammed

The Yangtze

We’ve controlled the poor

Out of that green and red

Upgraded little underlings

Have designer bags on call


Isn’t it great

The poor white trash

About the place

Western Civilisation

Really needs an update

I mean really

All that money and no taste?

Good lord

They aren’t Queen Elizabeth


A few Mussies on the West

A minor blip


Compared to Nepal

Oh yes I’d like a little territory there

What about a neat little red pin

Oh yes

I like that circle


Can we enlarge it


The Saffron yellow

So pesky

Those little Bodhi tubs


What do you mean we need the water?

Oh don’t read into things

You’re a little simple

Let’s do this in Mandarin

Or should we stick to




Yeah whatever you say

Marise Paaaaaayne

Or was that

Christopher Pyyyyyne


The issues we must


Speaking of excellent faces



From Africa to the Belt and Toad

the Arctic and beyond

I’m a master

In a glorious age

It’s all mine

Artificial intelligence I ain’t

But you can hypothesise

I’m so incredibly perfect



Our robotics

And electronics

Are going to rule the world

Or perhaps just a bit


When I’ve done all the deals

I don’t like to boast

Did you see them all here on the

Red carpet?

Poor pets need money!

And we have a few thousand cheap workers

So a real win win

I mean would you trust half of them

With your railway?


Good god no


No red envelope for you!


Didn’t I see one of your boats in the Sth China Sea?

Well that shirt has Yankee written on the back

Suddenly I can’t seem to find my chequebook

Go find a Patriot somewhere in Alabama or wherever they

Breed Crocodiles


My name is Wang Yi

And I never lose face

Because mine is so absolutely



Just watch me

You have to watch me

I’m on TV all the time




I’m replete

And petite

But with accuracy


With eye arches to die for

Political connections


The globe

My name is Wang Yi

Don’t confuse me with Xi


You’ll remember me

Because you’ll remember

All the deals baby

I mean, who held it together

Mao or Zhou Enlai?


You’ll remember all my lines


They were mine

Oh glorious





Is this the right angle?


Where is CGTN?


3. Frank Lowy saunters on stage 


As if talking to a female reporter at Lowy Institute


I’ve sat opposite them


I’ve sat with them at the table


Darling you don’t know sweet FA


By the way, can we set up our own?

I was thinking Australian soccer

Any money in it?

No nepotism

My son will run it

the good looking silver fox

best to keep it in the family

In a democracy


But look

In negotiations with these lot

You have to look after your own


I’ve run the biggest

Shopping enterprise

You’ll ever see

And if you look down

You’ll never see it coming


So baby, please

With these lot

From the North

You’ve got to look

After your own


I came here with nothing

We’re a powerhouse

Shopping malls in that thing oh yeah London

A small little outfit in the New York

What do you expect?


I’m a good looking

Little little boy who did good

In Blacktown

I can’t help it

I just got it



Yeah I’m Frank

That’s with an F for



And the Review you’re in is probably



I probably own this


I mean, c’mon, just a few acquisitions here and there

I wasn’t to know

That people wanted to sell and buy stuff

It was a fluke

You know how it goes


When you’re F


For Financial


But let me tell you

The here and the now


If we continue to think

That we can just let them come in from the North


Run it

We’ll be in trouble

And I know

Because I know everything

I mean don’t I?


I have my own institute

A think tank

Named after yours truly

Take that Henry

and Paul


According to me

The vital subjects of the day

Are here to stay


I own a think tank

For gods sake


It was very easy to set up really

Just a few million

With the movement of the people

And the capital steeple


You might like an office at Barangaroo

Governor Philip if you want some privacy


Have you seen the restorations in the

Middle of the CBD

Quite tasteful I think


Got an OBE

So I know


But yes,

I’m Frank

And I’m Sydney

And every other capital city you care to name


We’re pushing the info

Of the very important Diplo

To determine the events of the



I’ve sat on all the boards

I know what we’re facing towards

With a little bit of urbane



For Work


They’ve come and gone

With their ideals and their


While I’ve cleaned up

With Shirley

On the Sydney shores

Point Piper


Just a boy who made it big

In Blacktown

Not Bankstown

I prefer accuracy, not near Paul

Although I know him

Do you?

I know everyone


I’m Frank


And I’ve got it baby


I just can’t help it


It’s part of the nature

Of being

Powerful Abroad


I’d reckon that bag

Was probably purchased in one of my


A bit cheap looking

Have you checked out Dior this season


I will keep the Globe safe

From the type that won’t negotiate in good faith

And we need more good faith

To buy goods

Of course


Oh it was purely a philanthropic idea


A little immigration

To pacify the imagination

And leave the Australian legacy



If we want a bit of a stake

In the game that is great

You gotta pull hard and fast

Across the table


yeah I’m Frank


And I’m terribly




I am Australia really

In a nutshell


If you need a bit of calming down

A rousing sport to help you win

The crown

I’m all yours darling


I’m an ambitious Australian




From a tool maker in



I’m your man


Your country


Your crown


And highly




Financially Responsible.


Last line with a wink 


Where is Steven and Peter?

We have a pre-match function to get to.

And try to avoid the Wanderers crowd

Last time a firecracker

Nearly hit the



To audience:


I love it, don’t you?




Scene One 


Straight intoGeorge Pell in black. Fires of hell light up stage. Cross striding across stage, in song, very Quasimodo. The double entendre considering the sex scandals can refer to male/females 


So you think do you 

You got rid of me? 

The gypsy queens 

Trying to replace me!


How dare they 

Spin that fleshy foul

Temptresses be damned! 


I will not look!

I will not be made 


A Slave to their 


To make me

The Fool 


Who are these people? 

What structure do they think controls 

The very slats of the new era!


Why black robes 

Is very Beresford

A cinematic genius realised our 

Necessity on the vast sweep 

of Human Canvas!


What I need 

Is a really good people’s 


Someone to tie my fate

With goodness and civic 



We got to spin this thing

Before we become 



Australian Idol! Hmph. 


They think now that any mere wasp

Can come and take what is not rightfully theirs? 


These heathen craven jousts 


Gyration temptation oh save me Lord on knees 


When such jewels are littered before us 

Wearing the crown of paradise 


Bondi/beach scene

good looking men and women who then take towels and make suggestive moves before breaking out into dance Madge/Kylie etc 


Just like a prayer 

Let me take you there 

A mystery 

You are not what you are 





It’s enough to make me cry out oh Lord

Where is a right wing putsch 

When your crotch is aching! 


Miranda Miranda Janet Janet


Big Face of Young Boy on transparent Curtain behind George.


Chorus sing/dance 


Can’t get you out of my head

Boy your love is all that I think about etc 


Pell groans loudly. Dissolves into puddles like the Wicked Witch behind Boy Image. Boys in Red sequins thongs come on and incense around stage.


Chorus sing: 

Can’t get You Out Of My Head


Scene Two: 


Girl comes along 


Oh look. Someone left their shoes behind. 


Slipper with big GP on them. She chucks them over her shoulder. 


Bastards really need to learn to recycle 


Um listen. 

I am Fate. 

Yeah that’s me name. 

Don’t wear it out.


They dropped me from the flamin’ sky 

Was hoping for a real mad rush 

Instead I got a note saying

The bloody Aussies need a real good push 


Been living like the Carpe Diem

Bags of gold from every side 


Mate I said 


No real drama 

Dyin’ to wax a board and check the Car Mate

Sort of like Karma but with a wicked 



Can you just tell me 

The problems we need to sort 

Before they call me 

And not Obama? 


Music like trumpets


Cause let’s face it 




Lights dim


When the world rages 

When the light seems ..not just dim but particularly obtuse 


There’s nothing like a 

Good human…..


To make me feel 

Like Sin 



So I talk myself up

I forget all my celestial woes 

Or the job offers in the bin


I might be a little transparent 

I might be a little OTT

But nothing is ever too much 

For Fate to step in 

And they need some bloody good rain!


Like Maria


So I pack up my stead

I stay firm in my brain 

Or cerebral cortex whatever you like to say


Because let’s face it 

There’s sex in this town!


I want some Aussie flesh

Just a little taste of the mortal 

I promise I won’t hurt 

A bit of skin on skin 


I’m only a God 

Diana the Crown 

Venus on the Make 

Disguised as fate 

To see who wants the 



Clips off like Dorothy


I just want a view 

A big bloody view 

Something a little Whale Beach 

oh god even North Bondi 

Will do, 


Is there a dress code? 

Should I wear some Upside? 

Mineral makeup or 


Is Parlour X open? 


With clipboard

Frank and Gina and oh Wang Xi, where is the Canberra candidate oh wait 


Kevin Julia Malcolm 

Oh look 

Eleanor Plibersek 

Wants a run 

Side stage Tanya practising her speech


Sometimes the word 

Comes along 

A veritable discursive bite

That sums it all up

yeah here it is 

And it is…..

Um Yeah…

it is 

Oh yeah that’s it



AC/DC plays 


They need me NOW 

Lucky I’m all over the outdoor ensemble 

Little boxing near the Botanic Gardens 

Outdoor swim anyone? 

God it’s so hard to be Australian 

Off for a coffee 

Betta get a table for two for lunch

Maybe Aria? 

Then off to the Wharf

And later 

A festival 

Can’t miss a festival 


God it is so tough

it is bloody remarkable

We even have time 

To invest all the marbles 


Yeah they’re talking up woe

The dollar real low

No-one believes it 

Because we were all going to tank 



Yeah they don’t understand 


We’re managing the Uptake

People like me





Slightly remarkable 


Now what did the note say from Sydney – oh yeah: 


Dear Fate, or 

Goddess on Ekky

Get out you lunatic 

And grow a spine 



I can’t I am celestial


Because bloody hell 

You selfish


We haven’t even bought a house yet 


Wake Up Mate

It’s only the whole globe

No no need to worry


I mean


It’s only millions of people

Waiting for you to 

Create something great 


When we said go slow

We didn’t say

Mope like MO 


The Western Sydney Wanderers

Are Making You Look Good



Please hurry up

Or we’ll sub in a 







It’s Fate

Our Time is Here 

I’m heading out strong


We got our boards

We got our ideas 

We got to play it sharp

We got to get the mongrels 

Out on top 


No time to lose

No time to waste 

Can we find any money

We’ve got to take this 



I’m not afraid

I’m not alone

But maybe just maybe if I get the Aussies on board 

We can nix 

The Global Shit Show 


It’s been ten years

And I’ll have to dive in

Cause it is clear to me 

We’ve got to nix 

The Global Shit Show 


We’ll drag them away

From the bloody papers 


We’ll find a start up

And motor through

With sparkling 

Beautifully enhanced



I caaaaaan do it!

We caaaan do it! 


When I rumble with the little

Aussie bumble 

We’ll spread a heavenly glow

The little cherub

With a hybrid DNA 

Will look like a Hemsworth

But bite like 





It’s basically all on my shoulders. 

Not even a problem. 

God, what am I going to wear? 




Two people on phone. 


Aussie + Yank. 


Yeah Pine Gap 


What you hearin’ 


None of your bees wax. Top secret. 


I’m the Yanks mate. We need to know. 


Oh yeah well. Bit of that. Bit of so and so. Short for code. 


Yeah, we got the lingo. We’d like some more info. Please.


Listen have to say. My Indonesian isn’t great. 


You mean Bahasa? 


That too. Or Cantonese. The English however tip toe. 


We’ve got a few ships in view


Yeah we saw the dinghy’s on Pay per View. I reckon it’s not a bad screen size. Can just see your boys doing a bit of a oh no 


That’s enough! We need to know about foreign submarines in these important waters 


You got any daughters? 




I’m just making you drink clinkity clink. While we wait for the info to sink in. 


Can you repeat that Australia? I am having a hard time understanding the code. 


Yeah we made it up. All just new. We’ll send you the quantum key when the flea hits the toad and we know how to row. 


What on earth? 


The boats you know. Had a bit of session last night we decided to mix it up test our crew. Well I’ll be buggered they have lost the oh shit I think we played bingo with the 


Are you serious 


Who knew? ha. Just kiddin’. Well not really. But when they get out of bed, we’ll let you know. See, we’re pretty good at this it seems. See this hand? That hand? No clue. Not a fark of a quark to collide the joint ions and eons ago 


Blue! Blue! This isn’t funny we’re on a tight schedule 




Yeah, so are we. We’ll get back to you in ten. That’s code for Bo who is seriously, shit, pissing on your road show. spin a Proton or two, crack a few over the accelerator and we’ll be back with you in a mo. You’ll have to stay quiet or just hang back on the Contiki Go Low. BTW Can you send us over some 3D goggles for the Alice Camel 2k Pro?

Puts down phone laughs starts singing dancing. Strips to undies does it on long table, stripping off clothes as he goes. 




I’m too sexy for my Quark 

Too sexy for my Quark 


Too sexy 

Too sexy

By Far 


I’m a Crypto Model 

You know what I mean 

I do a little dance on the 



Yeah the Yankwalk 


We do a little dance for the 



I’m a model 

You know what I mean 

I keep my little eye on the 



I’m too sexy for this song 


Yank: I have no idea what is going on. 


Scene Four: 


Good looking man. Suit. 


Consistency is the very nature of our very serious business 

I was there you know in Tehran 

And again in Afghanistan 

In fact well I’ve been around 

I meld into whatever little scene 

Requires my cunning good fortune 


It’s the State 

Yes the State 

Or well that blurry little thing 

That seems to blend the financial with the military 

In a political chord 

Great orchard 


We like to pick and choose 

Grafting the best onto the most appropriate 



Things do change so fast 

Dear me 

Isn’t it terrible when it all goes 

Pear shaped? 


I mean the poor little pets 

And we do our best 

With the necessary funding 

So hard to see such 



But you have to in the end 

Think about Statecraft and 

Financial blend 

Yes blend 


We are not hear to impose our will 

But make sure freedom and democracy remain 

Forever……forever…….um forever 



Because we all know how 

Consistent we can be 

Yes consistency is the ultimate 


Unfortunately sometimes some people don’t know 


But that’s not my problem. 


May I suggest a 

Belt and Road 

Not the frog and toad 

A little travel around 

Check out the new 


Oh dear 

I can’t say much 

I am the very model of a model



Did you check the threads?

Got this snipped at a barber 

Has a bar and a view 

Looking at nails


Now no need to get all hot and bothered 

About that little Palestinian fix 

We’ve got the solution

You just have to wait 

Until the agendas fit 


All in good time 

What there is no need to rush 

We may have Balfoured the whole declaration 

But we’ll get around to it in time 


There is negotiation and meetings 

A summit and a Dialogue 

Followed by an Accord and possibly an election 

Necessary human rights observers 

Of course 


We’ve got a few trails in the social media 


We’ll pull out a person 

That can front the whole thing

It is entirely organised and very much the thing


You won’t know what is happening

We cloud our fingerprints 

Just wait 

We’re onto it darling 


Everything takes time

Now sit back and don’t worry

It’s all just fine. 


I just have to remember 

Not to tell

Annabelle Crabbe

She’ll blab to Leigh in an instant


Perhaps Christiane or Anderson will do?





Torch Song Trilogy


Why do you do these things? 


I don’t fuck up with love sweetie. I love long and hard. I mean look at how I have loved. Endlessly. Breathlessly. But I fuck up sometimes. We all do. 


Just try having a bit of consistency. 


What so I can die bored? Have you advised on foreign policy my little James Perse t-shirt? I don’t think so


Know one will ever know or remember you. There won’t be a statue in Belconnen precious. 


And for that we can all be thankful. I’m back already. I wrote this. So that was like four minutes. 


Your rebound ability is….concerning. 




Why aren’t you there? 


Who do I work for? 




Thrusting yourself into geo-political realities without a brief. I want to hang out with the boys and have a baby. Moses. No, Gwyneth has that. Milo Viggo. Hep Milo Viggo? 


A child named after a disease. Excellent. Typical. Oh your Kate….naturally. No ‘Burn.


Joan of Arc syndrome. 


Yes. You have a brief. 


That’s what you all keep inferring but I am not convinced. You want me to be useful but invisible. In a Freddy Mercury sort of way. 


Do you want to be visible and on trial? 


What for? Crimes against fashion? 


Just take your photos and be creative 


Madonna with iPhone. 


Think. Once you’ve seen the Syrians and the Yemenis you’ll actually understanding suffering 


Shut the fuck up. 


We are not asking you to write the definitive history on a country 


No, those military sons of


They don’t have time for Bette at the Baths. 


They need it.


Oh I am sure they do. I’ll be sure to put you on the desert entertainment roster. How about Norway? I hear you like the cold. 


Only because it makes things that are already small that much smaller. Easier to dige


Hiding out here isn’t going to change anything 


I’m not hiding. I’m waiting. 


You’re hiding, like a purple elephant in a sequinned kaftan 


I’m waiting. I’ll wait.


Turns away 




Do you really think calling out Joe is a good idea? 


Magnificent idea. Fat Boy Slim in with the int crowd? Ergh. Imagine if you weren’t me. And you couldn’t do anything about the fact they were stuffing with you. I mean, just imagine that for five seconds. Little bastards. 


You don’t have to imagine actually 


They know me, I know them. They expect it. It is a robust relationship. 




It’s different for me. 


You are almost in another category. A far far away laaa


And what are you going to do to a kid who has stuffed up? We need get these kids out of jail. Not bloody create new crimes. Jesus fucking hell. While some of these twitter Cardinals were getting drunk and whoring I was studying if I remember 


I am not sure Doris, you were 100% Day  


Well Nelson, Tupac, I am not sure your little outfit is 100% clean 


Racial violence isn’t picking Libertine over Celine 


I have to walk in a hundred ugly uncomfortable shoes and you get to have kids and name them something exotic 


Grasps hand If you don’t understand that we are trying to help you 


There are millions of ways to help. You just have to be human and pick the right one. 


Pulls hand and walks away 



So the elections are close




Do you have anything to say


What, other than vote? 


You don’t think 


It isn’t my country 


People need to feel that the world around them reflects them 


The world is a complicate mish mash of people of various ideals and competing aims. Words don’t change lives 


They do 


Really? And people on the ground working hard every day to help someone realise their potential and make their surroundings 


So you think hip hop 


Oh GOD I think I have expressed what I believe to be important and not only that, have tried to be a part of a world that I might never see. Beyond that, it turns into narcissistic demagoguery 


So, what do we need leaders for? 


Are we not done yet? I really really just need a month of pedicures 


You’ve had your beauty fill darling you are maxed out on that score, try again.


What do you want me to say? Investigation takes 


You have it. 


I get tired from the inputs. They are too weird 


Oh so strangers need to talk to you sincerely now 






The mirrors are…odd. Inaccurate. It takes time.


Reality is inaccurate. People in dire circumstances don’t have your time.


Fortress survival isn’t a rave 


Be yourself.


I am myself. 


You’re not going slowly because you are slow 


OK I do things very slowly because every decision I make may be the wrong one. So I prefer to hang out in nature. Have I fulfilled my criteria today? Are the Catholics using this in a manual? 


That’s not something you need to know. 


I really don’t see how everyone knowing my life can add to anything. I’ve kept it as unremarkable as possible. 


And you think this is a strategy? 


Who cares about strategy? 


You do. 


Did. Past tense. 


That is for me to decide. 




It’s none of your fucking business. It is my internal life and it is precious. It is mine. This waves hand this is mine. If you own my movements and my internal thoughts just by the very nature of reflecting them into the world, then you can’t be too concerned with the sacred profane acts of every day. I do not take pictures of a newborn baby without consent and share them with the world.


Unfortunately, you still do not understand what this is about. 


You are right. But I do know, based on this affair, you have the power to claim that everyone is a threat whose personal life is a public issue. And you and I know that is dangerous and wrong.


We’re protecting you. 


Why then does it feel like a violation of all that is sacred? 


You can talk to a few conflict survivors. I am sure they can discuss this with you at length. We’re done. 


Walks out 




Fucking refugee camps 


Oh look Theresa is tired 


What do they do anyway? 


Not today 


Do you think the drug companies fund that shit? 


Oh lord of mercy Saint Theresa has decided to save the great masses 


I wonder how they pick the locale 


As if you would know


The Puerto Rican’s would be so happy about Zika. Zika. then the hurricane. What is God’s name did the Puerto Rican’s do to anyone? 


About the same as retirees in California. 


It makes me feel like one of the blessed. Did you see that kid on St Jude’s? I couldn’t. I swear one day The Holy Goddess of Justice is going to revive those poor bastards on the periphery of America’s grandeur. It is going to sweep them up in its large hands and give them mountains and rivers and gold. Someone is going to look after that tribe. So help me god, it is going to turn. 


They had MINT. 


Starts with the Mother honey. It is all about the Mother. 


How do you know? 


Octavio Paz says so. And I am with him. 


Red Sea


So why are there so many bases? Seems inefficient for a bunch of politicians who wish to single handedly rouse the people from their mortal impoverishment.


The Red Sea


Yeah I got that. What is this an international bazaar for powerful types? 


It isn’t the first place to have multiple


So, should I assume Sudan has something to do with this or will I just let the people learn about it in 2050


I’d let the people 


I thought so. Big plane pics today. How are we to assume that anyone can challenge that military pie? Can you spin that today for me or shall I swim in the river of Democratic baptismal waters 


Huck you can do what you please. Moving your arse would be a start. 


Yes. Well, when one wants to sift through the African continent, it isn’t exactly a join the Dora dots. 


How challenging for you. 


No. Challenging for you. 


You know most adults actually grow up and stop asking questions that even for five year olds are a little rhetorical 


I don’t think they are rhetorical. They are simple questions that highlight the necessity of purpose.


There is purpose.


Oh I know. Niger. I wonder…


You know


Hmm. Do I? I’ve always appreciated the way forces can simply spread themselves over the globe while accountants give us oppression narratives to distract us. I mean, if I was a woman and I wanted more money for say, green bits in non-green bit areas, do you think you’d be corralling me to save the poor people or allowing me to monitor your movements 


We can’t help how you use your time. Complaining about information seems a little beneath you 


Yes, I guess the life sciences and some of that particle stuff really is where I should be at. 


We can help you 


Oh seriously. I’ve seen how that has worked in the last 20 years. What will this one look like? Will he be real or a clone? 


Too much TV for you. 


Well that’s what happens when you ostracise politicise canonise 


Oh Lordy, Dolce and Gabbana did do this a few seasons ago 


When you decide that can offer me one person to make love to, that doesn’t work for the outfits and isn’t going to take me to the cleaners, I’ll know you are serious about government. And other things. Until then, you are pretty much on your own. 


Actually I think


Don’t. It hurts. 




Goodbye. Bye bye minion. 

Fanny Blown




I am not sitting around getting my fanny blown by a bunch of well renumerated GI dolls if I can’t get in a fucking plane


Not everyone your highness, is allowed anywhere near the new F35


That’s not the point. I want to


You are here to unite the people and give them hope and happiness and a future and quite frankly this desire to keep up with an industry that is far beyond you


Beyond me? Beyond me? It isn’t beyond me, it is top secret so none of us know anything and we have to hand over the purse like some granny tapped for anyway I AM a GI, I am EVERYONE, I am the chessboard


Chess, you don’t make me laugh you wouldn’t know a castle from a Queen


I am a Queen! I love Queen!


If you would just read something, it would give you context


I am not going blind because those bastards want me to spend my life reading up on material that they could tell me in five seconds and probably read on the toilet wall at fucking first year Duntroon


If you picked up


To endure Balkan bone heads at the local pub. They always pick the girls that think they are the smartest in the room. Like, street smart. ‘Look I am all street cred! And look at my ars-e moves bro! And no-one knows I am acting!’ Can’t wait to see them in 25 years.


Oh you’re an expert now. The ambulating anarchist


Laughs For me to find out whether or not people are being affected by major decisions, I have to know shit.


One sideways glance from the wrong person and you are gushing river of self pitying tears Princess


I am not


You are too so


You shouldn’t know that


Well I do


Well I am going to chuck brown eyes as long as it takes for you people to look the other way.


We’re never going to look the other way so suck it.


I’m going to get you back


No you are not


Yes I am. And you better watch out because you’re gunna be jealous


We are never ever jealous


Yes you are


No we are not


You are you just can’t admit it! I am so fabulous you don’t know what to do with me!


We do!


No you don’t! You just turn it into stories that don’t make sense!


What? What? You’re practically invisible!


Compared to the curated masses I am a screaming art piece


You are a misanthropic


A miserable










Bird brained


Malevolent schemed




Manipulating violating






Petulant android






Over renumerated


Duly compensated


Incredibly talented


Wastrel vagrant





Yes I am. And I got a big one so I am not going anywhere


Stomps out


Says quietly to no-one


Turn that arse around and cover it with cloth and we’ve got the Barbie Virgin Mary. I’d almost prefer it.


Head in hands. Tosses paper off desk

Ah Ms Savage


Ah Miss Savage, back from the tropics.


Is that meant to be funny? 


Good to see you’ve tempered that irrational urge to verbally accost poor long suffering DSD 


Don’t they get paid to listen in to my witty 


Not what we call them.


Oh, yes I guess those that are busy obfuscating the link between


You haven’t convinced me that  


Do you want me to colour in the maps where cancer clusters occur 


You haven’t collated the statistics yet 


No. I’ll just visit them in the beautiful corridors 


Oh dear. Not the State again


Yeah, you know the one that fails to investigate paedophilia in its own hallways but manages to give out Walkley’s to journalists that investigate it in a Church. The difference being that the Church is trying to be accountable. Our Democracy Mormon Door Knockers aren’t. How much did our poor darling little boys get for their toys this year? 


As you know, until ships can be built out of recycled paper 


But I though that is what the military was for! Innovation. Advanced capability. 


I thought you decided we were an autocracy 


I don’t think the people are in control of the State, if that is what 


Social media has proven a 


A boon for military technology


Not always. Social behavioural 


A wonderful little diplomatic foot solider is going to do a documentary in 60 years telling us how horrible it was. Oh big fucking Walkley there. 


Are we in Canberra or Washington? 


Doesn’t matter does it? 


I thought you were all about China


I thought you had some morals 


You don’t seem the least bit interested 


And who am I going to talk to? The walls? The last idiot I spoke to in Washington practically spat at me 


He probably didn’t like fricatives 


Oh but behavioural experiments 


It is not your business 


It is my business. Whatever you do, those dodos in my part of the world will follow your dumb arse lead 


They don’t actually 


What?! South East Asia? India? They do whatever they bloody please! 


What would you know 


The last month has had me down with Lyme some bloody invented infectious disease where did that come from and what are you using it for? The immune systems response to…and 60 off my bloody dog!


Your poor dog.


What is with the cancer centres?


So glad you can join our biomedical conversations with so much knowledge 


If I so much as get a whiff that anyone has died because you idiots thought it was more important to scrape something into a Petri dish than save a life 


Science has always tested the limits 


What with prisoners and prostitutes that weren’t even told what they were injected with! Jesus almighty 


You don’t know what the rules are because you don’t know enough about this subject


I won’t even start about the Army fucking me over in the mountains or the fact that I dare say a few of those bloody 


You don’t know that.


That’s right. I don’t I’ll have to work it out my bloody self because you bought all the intelligence crew off!


I think you should calm down and think about your subject


Oh that’s really nice that’s 


I no longer can follow what you are 


What are you going to say to those kids when they grow up without parents because 


I don’t think that pollution has yet be proven to 


Oh I bet if China does it, it will be considered an international disgrace. 


It must be overwhelming coming from a small country and they are not malign, you misunderstand what we are


A small country a small


You’re wrong, people do listen, you just have it all arse up as per usual 


And I am being accused of being AWOL when pollies have been AWOL for years!


That’s not true 


If I find out that the Democrats had an opportunity to save people’s lives with environmental legislation and voted against it, I am going to town. 


Good luck. Just beware of falsely accusing people when 


You practically signpost everything you do to each other so stop pretending that revealing information is a big fucking deal. You live off the sensitive information you swap


We are trying to save you


You are not trying to save me. You are trying to discredit me so your lover or your child some idiot can rise up the ranks and look like a cocksucking brown nosed idiot 


That is not true actually, you are doing yourself a grave dis 


And do not try that man bites dog crap. Democracy dies in the darkness. Oh you make me puke


Oh…Could you be a bit more pleasant? There are factors here


Before or after you put me in a sauna and I die childless you puss-pussied wormhole 


Oh for goddsaake…


Eight years you 


hope you can make a lightweight t-shirt out of it for the Syrians 




Yes. For a minute there one might have had the strange sensation that you were above grubby politics. Good that you still have a modicum of self-awareness. Remember. We have the tapes. 


Oh blow it out your arse. It’s not the fucking Rose Garden 


No. Quite. 


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