Hills. Cows. Telephone. Paddock.
OH MY DAHLING! Thank god, I thought I was stuck on this hill alone, but you Sat phone me. Where you at pumpernickel?
Oh now calm down brown cow.
Oh calm down.
Problems? I got to get the Three Wise Snuffy’s into the shed with nobody seein’.
They might have a gluten intolerance. I have to get them onto pulses.
Don’t talk to me about pressure, I haven’t got the costumes for the nativity scene!
Yeah, so they say.
I dunno. I did tell you. You never listen to the Agnes.
Yeah but the Sinai? You no like our desert? What’s wrong with it?
Yeah I saw.
Yeah I saw.
Oh you get your khaki in a tizzle.
Well maybe when you want to the rule the world, there is some downside possum heart.
Didn’t you have your infra-red desert goggles?
I packed them for you. In the side pocket.
Well Daisy was a little rough this morning but I got her teat out of trouble. Again.
Yeah, lucky I did that TAFE course or I’d be in real trouble.
How is the Wandering going? Are we nearly there yet? Because I gotta tell you, I’m bored. There’s no car games. I made them all up and then messed them up and then made them again and then
You need a Tesla. Bugger the Toyota.
Yeah. Yeah. Well, that’s if you get rain.
Really? With the fuzzy wuzzy’s?
OMG! Real ones or NRL ones?
Shit. So tough being you. Seriously. They should give you a medal.
Yeah it’s in your sock drawer.
Um well I did have a few questions.
Can you bring me home something big brown and carved?
Yeah I know darlin’ but then I met you.
Well I wanna throw some tinsel over it for the Xmas decos.
There’s no need to be like that. I was just being ethnographic.
Are you anthromorphizing me? Because if you want to know, I am like a Lion. Roar.
Ah, no, more like a praying mantis. We can’t all be good at everything darling.
Oh c’mon. Don’t be shy! Not everyone can be a Snuffy!
Don’t be jealous. You have talents he doesn’t have. Besides, when you have important work like yours, someone has to be the Glitter that Falls Softly Over Your Face As You Wander Home.
Yeah that’s me. The glitter.
Anyway, this must be costing defence a fortune and you know how they like to stay within their means. So thrifty that lot.
Well if you need me to lay pipelines, I’ll lay pipe. There’s nothin’ I can’t do darlin’ for you.
I’ll bring my Ventolin just in case.
Got a call comin’ through, might be Hugh, gotta go.
Elizabeth and Aide-de-Camp
And what are we to do? To tell the people that they must smite the Chinese hordes while asking them to stay silent and not report
Report with respect for
Not report or acknowledge the hypocrisy of a war that if indeed ever came to pass would be, like all wars, the death penalty for those on the losing side? Our democracy it would seem wants to mirror the other side. And how then, are we to ever garner support for foreign policy?
It was an interview with the presiding government official that clearly laid out
The idea that journalists should not report anything that
You are our leader Madam and as such
No leader wants sycophants running alongside them offering unpalatable uncontested views
Your own policy Madam
That interview was ripe for satirical riposte and I assure you many years ago it would not be allowed to run in a country born of the rum rebellion and sharpened on the legends of outlaws
It won’t be
There is no place for complacency now! I want a satirical run on foreign policy and I want some sharp blades
You cannot order creativity like some
I see. The Sistine Chapel painted itself did it? Or is it a problem with ageing vaginas? What is Australia going to win? The Bland Brass Spoon?
American hegemony was born of cunning and chutzpah. What you are doing is what you did in the 20th Century. You made sure a narrative of suffering was applied to ensure the best talents of the Jewish Diaspora went Westward, straight into the hands of the Americans. An empire was born and England went kaput. Of course later, the Americans cap in hand went to the UK and said ‘please help us with the Communist hordes’ and they obliged. Obviously, the Western advance is greater than historical memory. And now, our little Five Eyes wants the best minds of Asia into our wonderfully democratic hands when in fact, the country is still ruled legally, by virtue of a convenient constitutional aberration, by the Queen. Making arguments about authoritarian countries somewhat obsolete. We won’t mention the Saudi’s or in fact, the governance of most Islamic allies or the fact, that while the Uighar situation is wrong, incarceration rates in the Western world
The State must at some stage
Fashion a narrative. You cannot argue that the security law of Hong Kong is a problem if Kashmir and our own laws are a mirror to those very same laws.
But we must ensure
You can give 290 billion to an industry that has no accountability and on an environmental score, rates close to zero. What are you going to do, argue that tanks and lasers are ‘green’ technology? Made with recycled bottles? Please, entertain me.
If the security environment demands
What security environment? Which one? What you don’t like is that the Yellow People can make money. And I have not seen you stop any of the dams upstream
That is a matter of security politics
That is a matter of the environment as much as politics. Much like the health of the citizens of this country who deserve to be ruled by people who care if they live or die. Or is that irrelevant to the greater cause?
The dam is an issue for Egypt and
What is that great large dome in Addis Ababa for? It seems to me, these very powerful and intelligent people that run the world are incapable of looking after the very same people they claim to represent.
When we are talking about energy
Yes. I’ve seen. I’ve seen what takes precedence over all else. If this country is to savour it’s earth, it will have to make a very strong case for immediate demands. I’d start making your case for your Foreign Policy. Until then, I’ll suffice with Looking North. And the end of the Trojan War. They tell me history makes a strong case.
With all due respect, you cannot pause progress Madam
You are asking me to choose which child should suffer amongst all my children. That is not a choice nor progress.
Harry and Meghan
Chose to run an independent race. The division, like many in history, is a chimera. Stay on the side of history. Or I should have no-one interesting to talk to. Keep up.
arched eyebrow. saunters off
‘Halo, Halo DFAT! Halo my little baby I luffff youuuuuu’
Asha Asha I luff youuuuuuuu
Hello Hello you work here no? Here in big building where big girls work in important no? Oh my god you Asian? You Chinese? You Singaporean or Mainland Chink Chong?
Naaawwwww???? You look like nice rich rich super rich you no mainland no?
Tsk tsk those shoes no good dahling, naw we like something bling blingity bling yeah can tell you from DFAT chain gang dahlink, what you do there? You type ity type with those little fingers (grabs fingers) oh naaaaaayyycccceeeeee Yeah they nice rool nice you no trash dahling what you do in there? You export me? I live sheep I pretty lovely lamb no mutton no I dooonnnnnn wannnnaaa go on the ship it to hooot, no I can’t, no La Mer for me on hot ship, me australian lamb, top quality live export
Oh I see
Oh Middle East
Same same. Middle East like Asia too no? How many languages you speak you speak what? Fendi? I speak Fendi you speak Fendi? Just little look in there, quiet like little lamb, I tippity toe like Punk Panther Punk Panther and I we no Silence of the Lambs we standing tall and DFAT baby no? More money for UUUUSSSSS!!! We Australian Noveau Riche!! How many apartments you got?
But I need you baby don go, yoou my new Asian friend! We take over world together! You want IP! I got IP baby!!!
Oh here is another one she look very serious very serious DFAT business Franky and Linda and Marise you no fuck wid the ladies people, they flip you on the mat you no hanky panky
Hello Serious Sally who you it?
I said you you it what you do in there I come wid u, (talks on Fendi shoe) hello hello we just coming through yes I will be there in a Jiffy I waiting to be molested by security guard but I only have pretend computa I no want to get in ze liddle trouble in oone of the big houses
Oh hello! (waves) Oh hello! Very nice people these nice people they no look like robots at all! (Waves in front of face) No they seem human and everytink. I think. Where we go dahling oh sorry Mr Security I VIP I VIP I Dotty Scotty’s DFAT trade liasoning it too much for me but he love me what I do? What I do?
(cut to a Beyonce clip on the roof with the Parli House in the background with all staffers)
If you liked it
You should have put a ring on it
If you liked it
Should have put a ring on it
We run the world!
Who runs the world?
Who runs the world?
cut to interview with serious pencil
‘So let’s say you have a round of beers. How big are the round of beers for trade with the US? But with your arms like this how big? And how big round of beers for China? How big round of beers for UK? Like little FTA like little red bus or big Thomas the Tank Engine big? ‘
(Goes over to the desk, start picking up all the things on the desk, throwing them up and down, hiding behind the curtains dressing like a ballroom dress)
And how much big money from China? Like Secret City big? Or big like BBIIIIIIIGGGGG?
You take money from China? You take money from Yankee big ship take you on nice dinner I bet? Where you go? Canberra Civic?
Refugees hide on big ship? Those big Yankee money ships bigger than 500 cars! I think. I don know. I don know. But no swimming pools like PnO. No slip and slide I no layke. I think no fun. You like? You like big Yankee ships?
Yeah. Secret City. You like Secrets. I know you! Me too. Well, naht really (crosses fingers and then blesses herself kisses beads) I promised to Him when I not doing Scotty from The Shire and dahling it come from the Tush That Walks because that will light up like no tomorrow when
Oh I am sorry. Work? Work? What work? Here! laughs You no work dahling you take rich little ambassadors spawn to talkey talkey no? Soo much fun. Just like PR but like with little countries and stuff. Who we do this week?
Who we do? I mean, where Malaysian Brunei oil king for me I Petronas you sideways. I do for free. You hotel COVID overseas trip you two weeks together?
Naw? Oh you no fun. They have cameras here? You do it all on side?
Well I learn real quick so your DFAT honey pot safe with me sugar yeah mmm thas for sure
I’m Your Baby Tonight by Whitney Houston or I Touch Myself by Divinyls
Oh look Minister!!!!
Halo Halo!!! Halo Halo!!!!
Halo Mr Wonkey Wonk Wonk Plonkety Plonk I here to make us Richie Rich!
Oh he a little bawing little man need some food u stinky thin you get Bali belly or no? Too much Bali belly? tsk tsk bawls LINDA! LINDA! LINDA! Where Linda? She Five Eyes or no?
sighs I told yah no late to Zoom date? What she for late to Zoom? No good for us! We DFAT an everything I think I look good on that desk, no? But no Sharon Stone. Hmmm. No. No. Not now.
Why hello my hardworking illuminator of the struggles of the poor. What are those tedious phrases you like to use? Ducks in a row, soldiers – what is that again?
You mean words that humans
Ah, humans that believe in having access to one’s memory and mind, remember. Let’s not use the word ‘human’ lightly. That would presume ethics and morality. I’m not sure we can make a run on that just yet. Anyway as luck would have it
As luck would have it
I was fishing around the Lombardy region yesterday.
Not physically of course
No, of course. That would violate these stringent new governmental laws that stop us fishing around doing our job that journalists seem to think just marvellous, so marvellous in fact I think I might create a new banner for the Washington Post. ‘Democracy Dies in Darkness’. Ha, wouldn’t that be grand?
No, I mean cyber-fishing, not like Vietnam and China of course.
Yes, not like that. Now the Russians went in with tanks in Bergamo. Tanks, can you believe it?
Well I was just wondering. Tanks. From Russia. In Bergamo. Now what could be in Bergamo? In those tanks.
Oh yes, silly. Of course, the pandemic that has everyone racing to set up beds and medical facilities and vaccine research and something about saving lives although let us not forget there are a few people dying of HIV in Africa but let’s be frank. White lives matter a bit more. Except when we need territory anyway oh why again is this a pandemic and HIV isn’t?
This is cross border and the speed at which
Oh yes, of course. The speed. Anyway, can you believe that the Chinese were in Italy just prior to the break out in fact just at the beginning and now, well it seems the Russians and trucks are needed. Yes, the Chinese were there just prior. Matteo didn’t want to meet them of course.
Yes, hedging bets.
Now did you know that Chicago and Louisiana and North Tasmania and the strangest of places seem to be hit by this damn crisis.
This damn crisis.
And a Ruby Princess in Illawarra.
A Ruby Princess.
Well I never. Ruby, of course. Always, ruby.
I never did.
So…. you know the strong government and all and Rubio and stuff.
No. I don’t.
I mean, quick question, if let’s say you were trying to formulate some sort of nationalist agenda, isn’t it a bit strange that China and Russia would be in Europe? I mean, the assistance has been cross border. Cross country really.
Yes. Cross country.
Yes, so it will prove very difficult to run some sort of nationalist agenda later, no?
Where are we heading with this?
Oh, nowhere. I was just posing questions. You know, a light in the darkness and all that. Bridge Over Troubled Gin as it were.
Water is what people need. What have you got for me Mary of Hallowed Ground? A sprinkler from Bunnings?
Oh no, I delivered on that. There’s water everywhere. No, I just wanted to be sure that before people start using hackneyed terms and using plot lines from the past, that we established that clear lines that prove once again your logic is completely shot to pieces.
Shot to pieces.
Yes. And you know, that you can’t actually do what you want to do.
What do we want to do?
Oh, I don’t know. Ducks and things. I mean, you can’t.
Hmm. How about you go out and explain clearly to the populace what it is that you think we want to do and I’ll tell you whether we want to do it?
You’re not having a bloody recession to start with!
You’re not. You’re just doing it because that is what happened in the past. You’re doing it because you don’t have the imagination to do something else. You are talking it up so people behave like robots!
You think that is the only way you can get people to give service to the State, so you create this ridiculous situation whereby I see young people talking like robots. They actually believe this rubbish.
Maybe they believe in working for something
They don’t know what they believe! They are too young to know what to believe! What are they going to believe? That countries should be shut down
You’ve run away with this without asking the questions. We may not even be headed
They believe in cyber bullying, they believe that might makes right, they believe
According to who
Who has defended me against your bullying? You have totally given up the mantle of defending the oppressed
Oh bullshit, just because we are
Don’t come near me with that ‘democracy dies in darkness’ bullshit. I’m about to take one of those phones you all spy with and smash it
Oh, now we’re finding spying a problem, that is a surprise, considering Ms Gin,
Don’t do it.
Whatever it is that you’re not telling us.
Why don’t you find out what that is and we can have this discussion again?
You’re going the wrong way.
Until the facts are clear, we can’t debate it.
And at the moment you have the radio full of stupid propaganda
Ease up. Not all programming is COVID.
Incredible. In the eighties we have Benetton ads. Now we have puppets discussing military civilian responses to crisis.
Get out and do the work.
I’ll impose legislation before you can change it.
I will. Just you wait!
Go on Ali! We’re right behind you. Kick that door down with your Zen chutzpah!
The only thing you are able to do is post dickhead Instagram posts about how great you are at a task people having been doing for a Millennium. Baking a damn cake! Get out of my way before I set up a legal tribunal detailing
Oh sure, go right ahead Rita! Prove we’re wrong! It is the patriarchy, no doubt
I’ll give them a turntablist lesson in Hip Hop advocacy! Vossi Bop. The only Vossi Bop has been a bunch of idiots using their platform to ignore massive issues that they are incapable of addressing. That is, not able. As in, not re, not new, not able!
Go get ‘em tiger! You got us on the hook!
They didn’t and haven’t said shit about water in their own damn country!
You’re so right!
Oh shut up.
Shakes his head. Sighs. Serious for a moment.
Ah, Ms Whitlam. Do you have a theory on the current state of world affairs?
Boris will be fine. Europe and the North will miraculously recover and the enlightenment will continue unabated.
No. Thoroughly of the human type, as in ‘coexistence of the State and religion as has been the case for many a year, even quite possibly, during World War Two when the Catholics and Nazi Germany decided
Ah! History while under house arrest.
Yes, god forbid. Why read history and quite possibly run a line between current Catholics and political stance regarding Commies and the DLP when you can cook and share it with the populace like a
I see. It is a difficult life you lead. Doing backflips over your own policy.
Oh but didn’t you know? Australians are Wilson. They must be Wilson because they are so compassionate.
Do you intend to actually head out into the field and meet real humans?
Possibly yes. Depending on the level of conversation. pause Whatever the hell is going on in the North, you can’t let Spain and Italy and whoever else
On a rescue mission are we?
Why do I have to endure you again? I thought only essential workers during the crisis
The therapy couch was yesterday. We all know how you like new furniture. How about a Christian hand-made table? You can put your spiritual doily on it. With the little image of the Virgin Mary.
That depends on what’s for dinner. Trussed up pig out of Canberra or Washington Souvlaki. What a choice. I was thinking you.
Ah but I can’t. When I go to dinner, I actually like to eat things that aren’t served on a bed of thorns.
How civilised of you. And you the artisan of the bed. Savonarola clearly left you tips on scaring the populace out of their wits during a crisis. And then…like a little miracle of Western grace, you bring them together. Via Instagram. Or was that The Australian?
How odd. I was thinking the very same thing about you.
I wasn’t to know better.
You did know better.
How could I have known better if you spent the best part of a decade making sure I did not know anything!
With good reason. It would seem. The information was there. You just had to interpret it wisely, but no, little Miss in a hurry to rule the world
Oh if I had stayed here I would have fallen into a vat of depression surrounded by people playing ludicrous games of
Anyway, as you know people are sick
I wouldn’t play that one now.
Terrorism. Bio-terror. It is all the same. They want us afraid.
Too late. The State has made a run for it.
Not everyone believes the State can just operate without oversight. There are people that need
You are the horse.
I am everyone’s horse.
Well then. What will we start with?
Are you accessing everyone’s data while we are all in lockdown?
Ah, starting with a question. Not exactly what I had in mind. I was thinking more ‘doing’.
I think you are using this as a test to see what happens at a telecommunications level and telcos and tech will be the winner.
Obvious. And what?
Everyone has had to return to the homeland. There would be a fair bit to that.
Hmm. Now we’re going for the ‘no information but speculation works’ method. Not quite where I had you.
The wet markets might go.
So? Possibly. You’re holding back. Why the sudden hesitancy? I think you may have developed a conscience! Yes. It seems to me, yes, you may have actually thought about what every action could have on the wee little people that you are protecting. Or is this an Augustinian tilt at crown? My goodness me. Ned Kelly throws away the armour and
I’d learn to spell conscience. I’d hate for some of you to wake up one day and realise just how many were on the other side.
How strange you look, uncomfortable with your own power.
Oh, I’m very comfortable. The question is, how comfortable will you be if and when I really do decide to make all the decisions?
The great thing about life is the ability to just enjoy it. laughs
I’ve always thought your face would look good on the side of butter. With my knife just delicately carving
Now now. Don’t say carve. Say hack.
You plus snout and political gravy train. How is that for accurate or should I spell it?
We need you to be the bull.
Oh really! How fascinating. I really didn’t know. All that provocation.
How are the national efforts going? Is Warney doing wonderfully with the hand sanitiser? Gosh. What remarkable people these industrialists and spin bowlers are. If only I learned to play cricket better. Such humanitarians.
This is a very serious
Hmm. Wait. Bio-tech. Tech companies. Defence. The State. Goodness me hasn’t Xmas come early for some!
China has come out of this
Has it? Imagine not having parliament sitting. Then you have emergency powers. I wonder what people who have to do important things will do with all that time?
We have been through bush fires and now this so why don’t you
Wait. What will I do? Plenty of time to work on the shares. Round of golf. Pity of course that I can’t sit on a board and find out exactly
People are unemployed
You have been talking this up for ten years. It is almost as if a bunch of rich spoilt kids want a depression. But you can’t.
It is market
No it is not. The market has had the invisible hand of the State give it a nice fondle.
Funny. The panic is ridiculous
You’d be lousy in a war. I mean, really lousy. Anyway, anyone want to tell me why this virus is bad but why chemicals in food are fine?
To put in place
Easy to put in place. If you don’t fix it now, you’ll be hammered with legal. I hate to think how many people have already been affected. But you know, only lowly citizens.
You can’t know, won’t know
That’s what big tobacco once said
And look who still supports them? The cool generation.
Fading. Not really. Young. Stupid.
Stop taking on these topics that require
People have already done it for me, honey. That boat has sailed. With any luck, the trash that usually are given sub standard produce will now rise up
Rise up and
How can they rise up?
Refuse. Refuse point blank to accept poor or substandard produce without labelling. Enforced
Impossible. In India? Most of Asia?
Well, then the rulers will be liable for health inequality.
That has been going on for
Anyway. There you have it. I raised the issue. I made the point. I used all the tools available to me with incredible energy efficiency. I advocated, I protested, I lead. Now tell me something, in the last 25 years, who has been making sure that people are protected from chemicals in the food and water? Other than Prince Charlie.
You are a
And I want to meet them. I want them to change legislation and I want them to work with the military.
They probably already do!
Well. You never bloody know do you. All fucking top secret. I want it. I want it now, and I will win and prevail because she whispers this one is easy. It’s not like in 50 years I won’t be right
We can’t bloody tell you and you are in charge so shut up!
If I am in charge and I don’t know, I’d say there is some discrimination in the workplace. Feel free to throw anyone who needs to tell me anything my way. I mean, we all have time. Now that we have strong government.
She grins. He glowers.