Tag: As if


You poisoned me again


We did not


You did.


Maybe if you 


How are you going to run that with artists? ‘If you don’t do what we want, we’ll make you throw up.’ Idiots. 


You know the rules 


Never seen them, don’t know them. A bit like you and God. 


This isn’t the time 


I think a run against the religious a bit much 


We didn’t do anything. Prove it. 


How? If we don’t know the rules and you keep changing them! I throw up when I advocate Western aims, I throw up when I don’t, do you have any idea when the children will know what they are doing is right or wrong? Because I think it would be safe to say, as you can be involved in secret missions that break rules


You don’t know that


Ok, an informed guess 


You don’t know that. Operational matters have rules. 


There are no rules in New Journalism. 


There are rules. You just know when you discussing someone’s affair is correct and when it is not. 


The media has broken that rule millions of times!


That’s right. How you behave is a reflection of your person and professionalism. It is up to you. It is a moral choice. 


How can self-satire be a crime? I am satirising myself!


Ah but it has consequences. 


How? I was simply adding a bit to an electric chicken dance. You can’t poison someone for five seconds of fleeting footage. 


Ali, you know what you did. And I can never work out when you are Augustus and when you are Hitchens. It seems to change with the days. 


See? See what you have taught me! I’m a shape shifter. For tha’ people!


You’re old enough to know better. 


The footy club wanted me to go there! They want me to go in, under the posts and score runs!


They did not. 


They did. You want fans, you better stop making foreign policy the province of dull twats 


Logistical matters are important. 


You asked me to go there!


We did not. 


You did to so!


You’re hurting yourself


The only people that will bring foreign policy back into something respectable are creative individuals that highlight the 


Oh that would be you, right? 


Well, actually now that you mention it 


Surprise sur


You can’t keep poisoning me!


Do something about it. 


Oh this is going to be great. Edina and Patsy off to the High Court. 


We’ll help you. 


Oh yeah, like you have before? No thanks. It would be like Christopher Hitchens helping Mother Theresa. The Presenter will ask for my phone number 17 times a day until I find out 


Think of it like charades. But with words. 


I just can’t believe it, while Kamala is entering into the hollowed halls, I am going to be fighting 


Well we don’t know that yet. You might get way laid and swim across to Duntroon. Nude foreign policy bulletins in fairy floss coat? 


You’re stealing my ideas!


Oh, but aren’t they great ones. 


If only you knew


But we do darling. We do. 


shuffles paper, walks out. 


Blue Crush



Here we are right in Alpha Territory 

Look at the specimens! 

Like young gazelles, they run through the landscape, alert and aware of any oncoming danger

Secretly disguised as a Common Eastern Board surfy slacker, behind those Doe Eyed ripped tradey muscles, lies the Potent Alpha. 

One minute laying pine bark mulch around recycled brick, the next out in the water hunting the next wave. 

Man versus Nature! 

The Beast and the Beauty!

Oh wait – there is an upset! Chicks with surfboards! Running the show! Alongside the Men! Oh shit. Oh shit. What are we going to say about that Ladies and Gentlemen? 

My goodness me. Specimens of exceptional ability and grace. Too bad about the fat sucking blobs known as the rest of us! Too bad eh? Just too bad! 

Grab the wax strips and hit the bikini line peeps!!! No more moustache for me!!

Truly, what to say now that we have ripped muscles running the show! Forget the pansies back in the office ladies and gents! This is a real show for real believers! 

Brings new meaning to on the beaches hey? That’s right! Surfie God Empire right here Gents, a little bit of cladding, a little bit of a million dollar home, good looking laid back chick on the arm and we are home and hosed! 

Anyone for Kale? Anyone for an infused energy drink before a 12 hour day ladies and gents??  

This is the stuff of SAS legends! Anyone want to be dropped out of helicopter at a great height into freezing cold water so your Muff Can Be Icicles Of Antarctic Heights???!! 

OF COURSE!!! Swim with the sharks, see a whale on the way and find yourself back home via a transmitter!!! 

At the same time, try and find the logic in a Defence White Paper!! Make it origami and paper plane that bastard around Russell!!! 

Wait, there is a windswept hair out of place. Oh no, not sure if that is going to look good with the Aqua steamer. Pilates at 8, work at 9, surf when you can. That’s what we are about! Big things happening here in Oz Ladies and Gentlemen! 

Remember, if you an overweight male with social and political commentary you are a genius but if you are a chick doing the electric chicken dance by a river, you are in trouble people!! 

That’s right. Equality strides right here as the Australian government once again proves encryption is not a service that they partake in or they do but only sometimes wait they’ve spent millions! Billions! 

How they gunna run that line in Senate Estimates?? 

‘We have billions for encryption but well, we can’t have the kiddies doing satirical digs at their own government’ 


Oh that’s genius. 


All open source but never mind.


Mikey! We have a problem!


Agnes 225, Government 1





Agnes Does KP.




Sometimes I think the Philip he say, Agnes, your clue go on holiday sometimes and I think, yes, it is true but sometimes it come home to me. 

Long time holiday, for sure but it come and I give it hug and say, thankyou very much my darling for coming back to me like Prodigy, no problem for me. 

And it come to me, that a lawng tyme ago, with the blood from smart but very naughty boy from long ago, that the Victoria she like the boy from me, and he do great things. Mah really. 

But the little Agnes, she know the block, and she think ‘mah what he do to the Great Ecky Thump Land of People Who Traverse the Globe And Do Great Things?’ 

And I think he very naughty boy, maybe he say something to the Yankee Poodles and the people Who Before Not Like the Ekky Thump Because Of Years Ago But They Fix That So but anyway And So the The Yankee Poodle Was Born. 

I say it and it is true. 


The true sometimes also go on the holiday with me. 

The Yankee Poodle from before He Was With The Ekky Thump That Before Fight The War that the Yankee Won From the Ekky Thump and the U2 they got the help from the Yankee for the PACE that now it stay. 

But Agnes, she think about this and she think. 

Mah these people very funny because why they no like the Empire That Was Before And Then They Have The Empire That Was Before.

Like, almost exactly but with new people. 

And the Thatcher she not for the turning but she turn for the Actor With the Bad Memory. 

This is very funny for Agnes. 

Before, when the fat one Who Drink Alot Win The War But Make British Empire Little Building That the Yankee Hide in When He Lose The War From the Yellow People well 

The Yankee he wait and he wait like the very smart boy and he take, no problem.

And the art, from the Booty, it go to them. For sure, no problem. 

Mah this is no problem but now the Agnes, the clue come back to her and she be the Yankee Poodle. 

Mah but no poodle for her! She have the real one. She have two and it one. 

And she wait. 

Big Empire for her. 

If the clue no go on the holiday.


Jaime Packer interview 


Hello Jaime? 


Hello. Who is this? 


This is Agnes. speaks slowly You understaaaand me? hand cups phone The Jaime. He has dyslexic. But not really. It just pretend that way. Very funny little fat fatha 




Hello my friend! You mix the red and the green? What is your problem? 




What is wrong with this phone? What the American satellites not work over road? They have empire and the little chubby boy 


Who is this? 


Oh this is Agnes for very important interview. Kerry and I we fix it so everything good. Blackfella eat goanna and goodbye problem. You see? I fix for you. Slate sparkle and everything. Little boy where that fat girl go for? Why you no hava tha gel she no like the OneTel mah you have babies and everything! 


I’m sorry. I don’t know


The Alex. He no understand the Asha like me! Macau problems for you go walkies! Hello what you need those for? 


I think you might 


to the side He no understand but really he does he and the Big One they no want the Chink Chonks to write the last line agreement, so he pretend 


What? What did you just say? 


I just tell them about how you clever and where the money 


What money? 


Mah Jaime no pretend to me!! What you do up there in the Honkers! aside The Jaime he have the big boys and I don know what you think? I think I no like the Casino but it is for him and the colour little too much for the Agnes she think hello, I think I am out of here, what goes on here my little boy? 


Um, I really can’t say


Mah, no worry my little chubby boy! No need no Tom Cruise, we do it all. I talk to the Honkers, I talk to the Mainland, I talk to the little pimple one who wear LA clothes who make those plain clothes? These bambinos no like the fashion I think, mah, thank you Allah for Kanye and King James otherwise I think the little skinny white boy with money like to look like dishcloth for us to wipe the floor. What they think? They think Mexican like them more if they wear the paw clothes? Ay dunno. I think it better if I speak to the Oprah and well, Belarus, I dunno. 


Are you suggesting that


No mah darling! I no want Walker and Peacock on my coochie! They too boring fah me. They Double Bay foo us, we leave it behind in the dust. Bye Bye but I get you gel with the idea and no worries for me. Mah I have the clicker on the clacker and you see with Big Five Eyes you see that this is for the Best Ones! Mah but I see everythin’ we wait the digital I don’ no but for sure you must make the new ones! Because the camera on the people is little boring for meee, they no interestin’ no? We make more fun in the Asha I have the program for us.


Ah ok…..


Mah if you want the Yankee Poodle just talk to me I no everywun and we do it on Big Ship near the Island. Not the bad Island though. But I forget which one Good Island and Which Bad Island? 


Sorry, I 


I talk to Yankee Poodle and find out.  They like to talk mah Donnie we work it out on tha Gulf Course. Qatar. PSG for sure is good looking Mussie French boy and Isabella and I, we not fritened. No Carla for us!



I take the sword from the Lake Burley Griffen. Geffen. No Griffen, for minute there I think I am in the Land of Lachlan big house with the tunnel. Hello Lachlan! Party for Agnes what you do in the tunnel? No problem for me the Other Brother from the Same Mother why you need to hide we have no problems! I am like the Rupert we do it no matter no hide for us! But mah no, I am in the Canbra where the Sheep in the Wolves clothing win Chook raffle for the people. No problem for us. 


Today, I go for the swim (in bikini and flippers and floaties) mah I do this to pull tha sword from tha lake mah my little PJK he say to me, Agnes, you in big trouble you not be with the people you go and get the sword and I say mah PJ, look at this! I do it all for you and  I will be better than you by ten times you think you only One in the world with the good clothes to Be in the Tin Humpy? Mah no mate! Look at this! This is a J Curve! Mah hello I am onto you PJK. No problem for me. The sword, it like zippity zop straight into the little hand of Agnes. I do the chopper and I do the sexy clothes and I do the maps I do it all and no problem for me. 


But now, the flippity flop into the what is this? Is this the Lake or what? What in here exactly? I don’t know. Mah maybe they no like someone and I don’t know. What you think? What the fish in the pond here? Bloody barracuda mate. I don know about that koi. It very orange to me look like the Quack Quack face. 


Hoppy, what you think about the water here? Yeah, me too. I think maybe I don’t know. 


Anyway (has the mask) we be off like Herd of Turtles. 


When I come back, I have the sword. 


And we do it for the Lebanon. crosses herself. 



And I say to myself, mah what is wrong with the criss cross? The criss cross is good for us no? It is very confusing but like the riddle but what you know about the riddle? The smart gels and boys they like the riddle so I do it better than them. 


The left and the right not know where it go and I change it so nobody can see where it been or going. 


The people, the big ones, they say ‘Agnes, why you do this?’ and ‘why you not go To See the Big Things’ and I say to them ‘Mah what you think, you think I do not know about Plausible Deniability Mate? 


They think you are very stupid. They not know we are very clever but On The Inside. 


But it is true. I do this very good because it is true. My clue go on holiday very much and The Ability well, it is plausible. But it is true. 


The Letterman he say, enough the Agnes! No Roxanne for me baby! No more. And I say, maybe. 


What your problem with the big nose and the big body? You know what they say! Agnes, she know this!


This is why I think, better I not in the Land of the Chocolate Muslim because Maybe, Too Many Good Looking Noses For Me.


And this is a problem. 


I no want the boys from the Los Palos to be the jealous because I not think of them. Greater Sunrise and for sure.


Mah maybe you never seen them before. But baby, this is problem for you, not for me. 

Hello foreign affair! It affair of heart for sure. 


This serve us. 


You see? 


I do it all. 


Screen Shot 2015-10-20 at 2.00.48 pm


We have a new Prime Minister. He walks on water. And there are refugees. 

Now some Western countries have decided that maybe their borders aren’t as open as they were before and this means that other countries will get them. I don’t know why they are heading to the West anyway. All the growth is going to come in the other areas so for the life of me I cannot work it out. I guess they think they can earn more money and well, they probably can. But standard of living.

I mean, would you wait and think I’ll wait until our garden is tended again or would you bite the bullet and say, nah, time to move? 
Homeless. That is one psychological rootlessness.
I cried when my parents said they might move house – and the old one stays in the family. I sure have alot of blackfella in me because the ugly apartments they put up in the Eastern suburbs do my head in. It’s not like we live in one of the beautiful cities of the world with tons of light and natural bush. So yeah, I’d build an ugly concrete bunker. That’s a great idea. 
Did I ever tell you about the magnificent subway that runs under Moscow?
That is something to see. It’s quite incredible. I guess if the aliens came they would only remember Putin but I am telling you those subways are something else. I thought they were great. I guess they are as beautiful as the Esfahan and well, I really loved the mosque’s I saw this year but well, I am talking about Russia now and don’t you go bitching about Russia. We might be all mercenary Romans if it wasn’t for a Russian. That’s not quite true but you get my historical meaning. And those subways can tell you alot if you bother to go there.
I am not sure I loved Berlesconi with Putin btw but that’s aside. That’s for later. There is a fair bit to talk about on that front. Obama meeting with Xi and all that. 
Anyway, while the refugees of the world deal with domestic uncertainty and kids in tow, poor bastards,  I’ve been reading Gone With the Wind. I laughed my arse off. 
It had a really good bit about old civilisations just dying away but I think that is just crap. Howard’s End. Ditto. Etc Etc. Ashley and the old world and all that.  I never heard anything so stupid all the people fighting to make money haven’t got any more strength than the old ones survival of the fittest my fat backside. Sounds to me like sour grapes from people who bitch about people they know nothing about.
If it was survival of the fittest Keating wouldn’t have made the Redfern speechand we wouldn’t support the arts so I think they are full of it. People in glass houses in the media supported by the biggest act of government kindness I sincerely doubt it is survival of the fittest anywhere. Where do you think those military boys get the money? The tooth fairy?
But I do think it might be right that if you fight a battle when your military isn’t the biggest, you have a problem on your hands. I mean, it doesn’t mean you roll over and die if someone is being an out and out lunatic but well, you gotta get clever. I am not sure anyone listened to Rhett and I reckon, well, I think I have been Rhett.
I ain’t Scarlett anyway I am Rhett because these idiots don’t know a good thing when they got it. People working for free to do good things and what do you get? Sniping from people so rich they peel their skin off rather than fight. I am over that crap. Nothing there when the skin peels off anyway. My sister died with red dots all over her and god she was worth ten of these idiots.
They can curate a personality but they can’t live one. I’d prefer to die with fashion’s latest hiding the blemishes. Roll in the mud after Saturday sport. Mark my grave with a Holden sticker because in the end, everyone is going to remember if you were a dick. 
And that doesn’t mean just handing money out to people because in the end, they see a middle class chick coming and they just smell money. And if there is only one of you, well someone has to be the good angel and someone the bad. It can make for some horrible self conversations but you godda hang tight or you’ll die nothing but putty in the hands of some idiot moron.
So Malcolm has said something about Syrian strikes.
People start burying their children again around here and I am going to Canberra with a shot gun. I don’t care who he is married to.
Well Lucy’s a Hughes. Argue for a living that lot.

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