Tag: As if



So as you know Albo is overseas oh boy, he iso remarkably revolutionary 


He is going to chat to the Navantia boys about stuff and well he was on the election hustings on hydrogen so you know, so radically different from Morrison 


I mean, the policy differences are so remarkable.


I love the Left. He’s makin’ Blair look like a Middle Way. 


Alastair Campbell.


But Albo talked about that little thing called China that NATO has decided is a security threat and OUR Albo has said that it should heed the lessons of Ukrainia for Taiwan. 


So that’s good. 


“China must look at what is happening, look at the result that is there throughout the world, and should be condemning Russia’s actions,” the Prime Minister said on the sidelines of the summit.


Earlier, Mr Albanese told NATO leaders that Beijing and Moscow shared a “lack of democratic values”, and declared the two nations’ increasing closeness of posed a risk to all democracies.


Boy, he’s early to the party ain’t he.


Our closeness to anyone isn’t a threat. Just China’s. I wonder what we gunna do with that little Port Kembla memorial to the Chinese. That gunna put the MUA in real trouble ain’t it? 


Australia has according to Albo been the victim of Chinese ‘economic coercion’. I think we have been coerced into takin’ their money but never mind. 


How does that fit in with our iron ore and a few other staples? Inconvenient questions. 


The Strategic Concept from NATO says they are not transparent when it comes to nuclear weapons, so that’s good. We are of course. We’re just transparent and open. 


It is the first time NATO has deemed China a threat since 1949 says the papers. 


I dono what paper they bin readin’ but we heard it before fellas.


Anyway, apparently Ukrainia hasn’t got enough support which is clearly defies logic as every Western country known to man is wearing blue and yellow like Serbia never happened and Iraq was just a fantasy never mind. White people matter. As you know. 


Anyway, we’re supporting PNG with election support – wonder what that means. More ships I guess. And there is Pacific Vanguard so glory, that is going to be fun. I am going to hang upside down from an Albatross helicopter with a banner just to piss Ewok off. 


Might throw them some barley sugars in case they are hungry. Keep them focused. 


But we’re goin’ to set up a Pacific defence crew, so that is commitment. 


I am not sure how it works in with what the Chinese have offered. But we’re schoolin’ them, and if it anything like my defence schoolin’ we got so much to look forward to. 


All that detail. 


Specifics of it, you know? 


We’ll find out when Franky heads up the Forum in July in Suva, while Mikey Noonan sips Blue Hawaiians from a naval balcony. 


And they are Blue because the Pacific has just signed something with the UK, the US and Australia called Partners In Blue Pacific – maybe they missed the Y –  which MAY have a security component. 


Oh here’s Bluey. 





And the Chinese have decided they are goin’ to have a meetin’ on the same day.


Oh, here’s Peppa Pig.



So that is goin’ to be real fun.


Disruptive is what some Western analysts called it. 


So descriptive. I really love diplomatic language don’t you? 


Be a real ball bein’ a part of that. 


I can see why Angelina got drunk in the Good Shepherd. 


Anyway of course half the Pacific is in Portugal talkin’ climate change which MY BRANGUS has said could lead to territorial expansion. He said that in 2019. So ahead of his time. 


Where do they get these ideas. 


Brangie, I didn’t know you said that. You just get sexier every day.


Glory,  I wish was in Duntroon with Richard Marles. Get to see maps on walls and everythin’.


Climate change and territorial expansion. Next thing you know they’ll say that access to water might cause wars. 


I think there have been some deals in the Pacific inked recently so um, maybe they don’ need it. But the detail of the deals inked was certainly interestin’ and golly, I can’t imagine what all those people are talkin’ about over there. 


Do you think we could save the oceans with some more submarines? 


I mean, that certainly is logical. 


Anyway, we have been blessed with extraordinary commentary, glory, imagine bein’ a commentator this one ‘The Ukraine War: the Longer the War the More Likely It Is To Be Won By A Sea Power’


It’s actually good this one and now that Turkey has decided that Finland and Sweden can also join NATO – it’s sort of like Federer against Djokovic, you know, the Slavs getting roundly laminated in the 20th Century despite hauling Western ASS via a German thing in WW2 – but it is history, no matter – not important right?  So the Baltic Sea looks real interestin’ not sure about the Lake Idea but certainly Kaliningrad well, I will not mention it again. 


I just have a feeling that there are alot of Danish Moncler jackets in that part of town. It’s Freddy so totally OK. You know, Our Mary is probably making sure his hair is down with a little bit of spit 


Black Sea is a mighty tad more Interestin’ what with Russkie war territory and a few ships and Odesa and Turkeys move to block the whole thing according to a treaty but accept Sweden and Finland as NATO partners so that makes sense.


Turkey you are wildly interestin’ 


How is the black trade goin’ in that part of town? 


There’s also been a tactical retreat but in reality, we have no idea what is happen’ except that 400,000. troops are going in – NATO that is – into Europe. Not insignificant. 400,000. There’s a great map where they all gunna be. Boy. 


Washington has announced it will shift the headquarters of its 5th Army Corps to Poland. An army brigade will rotate in and out of Romania, two squadrons of F-35 fighters will deploy to Britain, US air defence systems will be sent to Germany and Italy, and the fleet of US Navy destroyers in Spain will grow from four to six.


On top of that, we have the situation where a bunch of poor African countries and those like Yemen – gosh, Yemen, certainly positioned well isn’t it – just seem to be having grain shortages as a result of this pesky Ukrainian war. We certainly are humanitarian. I wonder how that would benefit the tribes of Information Greatness.  Guess they’ll have to go in and be humanitarian again.


Maps like no tomorrow I can see it right here. They good maps too. 


So good isn’t it. 


That little thing called food security. 


Imagine the money being made on the trades.


Jesus H Christ.


Anyway once America has done with gettin’ rid of access to abortion,  everyone will be ready to join the ranks of the military. I mean, you know, maybe they don’t like the demographics of India and the Middle East.  China. Need more of an underclass. That is a good look. I mean, if you can’t look after the ones you got, just have more. 


Can’t ban weapons but can ban access to abortion. Are we running with that in Ukraine?  Against China? 


We could get the boys to pay for it. That would help rescind it. 


As someone said, all of you that did not vote for Hillary should go and hide for a few decades while the rest of us calm down. 


Anyway, there we have it. The Russians are colluding with China who is probably givin’ our iron ore to the Russkies who cannot get it to Kaliningrad but five bucks of boiled lollies probably gettin’ around it Lithuania. 


Better yet, the West is goin’ cap in hand to Venezuela. 


I love it.  


Oh the logic of it. 


Really, you boys should get medals for this crap.


Let’s start with the red textas and where the bits are that are not Western aligned.


I am Muriel and I am here to help.


Dutt Dutt


Morning darling


How are the exercises to beat the other exercises that transcended the other exercises going in caravan land?


My am I missing your sweaty tent


Not long now darling


You know how those that are truly special are exempt from all rules and regulations 


Howard Springs def has a 4 star quality to it


Let’s get to Guinea 


‘We are no longer going to entrust politics to one man, we are going to entrust politics to the people.’


Said some bloke who has taken over.


‘Guinea is beautiful. We don’t need to rape Guinea anymore, we just need to make love to her.’


Why, such advanced sentiments. 


Imagine the geo-political repercussions of that.


Any wonder I am sitting in a negligee thinking of you?


Shall we discuss the economic bauxite fall-out or a few things a bit bigger?


Move on over.


Sit tight.


We couldn’t imagine.


Girls, rustle up a map.


Get your Scout’s badge on.


If they let you, that is.



Hey, it’s Manet not Marilyn but what’s a few vowels after the big brassy main letter? 


Sort of like Y and R in the same name. 


You feel me?



Now darling heart, isn’t it strange that the persona non grata or tis depending on your morning energy drink that is nothing compared to what the professionals drink – little swarthy minions of muscle led recovery – QATAR is taking alot of these Afghani’s.


Who knew.


Well, me.


See the difference?


Eyes. Money. Country.


Poor people. Papers. Nothing.


What a fucking revolution.


Said Susan.





Bags getting stuck with the Aussie lot in the Middle East.


‘We can’t return to BrizVegas’


Well, what can we do with you all in the desert heat?


What could you be doing over there?


MAK and I can rustle up a few hoofs and see how you go around the track.


Breed a Melbourne Cup winner.


Saddle sore?


Not likely.


All that FAT-I-GUE fashion.


Now what could they be doing.


Lies back.


Thinks of former English protectorates.


And other things.


Big place Dubai.


Big buildings. 


COVID is the damndest strangest thing.



Dutt Dutt Minister for Defo or the man who brings Ron Mueck sculptures to life –  had much to say recently before he heads off to eat Australian lamb with Joe Joe Silverfox Biden.


The Yanks can elect sexy old men.


We just hide ours.


Scottish nose hair. The Epsom salts of the 21st Century.


Bags not being William Wallace. Fuck no.


Where was I.


We need to develop ‘long range strike weapons, offensive cyber and unmanned capabilities, including swarming drones.’


‘We are going to embrace asymmetric warfare as the offensive party rather than the defensive party’


Oh Dutt Dutt.


‘He calls on the Americans to give greater effect to Australia’s inclusion in its defence industry base.’


American missile technology in Australia?


Wonders never cease.


One billion announced in March so we can hop on together and razzle dazzle our Climate Commitments.


Sort of like a horse. Bit pointy. Bit expensive. Bit fucking secret.


If you’re feeling a bit low, just pull out page 2 of Wednesday’s OZ by Greg ‘I have Never Met An American Policy I Didn’t Like’ Sheridan


Seriously, no anti-depressants needed kids. Your teenage angst will be seriously cured when you read this out loud. Take turns. Use different accents. Insert a different country’s name every time they mention Australia. 


Kids, when done, scribble over the top and make coloured lanterns from the big words.


I’ll be just desperate to see swarm technology in action. 


‘Mum, who let the pool pony’s out’


I love you. I do. This is brilliant.


Wonder what is for dessert.


It’s going to crumble delicately and just melt in my mouth.




Nothing to discuss in Washington.


‘When I said withdraw, I didn’t mean it.’




It is all about consent.


The Cammo Olympics

Welcome to the news.

While cammo does GI Joe in your part of the world, with boats and dinghys and weapons systems no person in their right mind would understand, spare a thought for the rest of the world locked down.

We wish we were there.

Beats sitting on your arse, says Trevor.

Oh yeah! Cool! A rocket!

Fuckin’ awesome!

Wish I could be drenched in sea spray and hauling a dinghy onto a beach.

Want some sound? 

Toy and MG onit.

‘Ah beautiful position there. Yep, nice landing of the cammo. Cool biceps. Oh look! Wrap around sunnies too! Do you think they are in medal position?  I mean, what would push them into GOLD? Canadians are there. The Yanks too. Anyone for a ship shot? Nah, ship shot only gives you bronze. What we need here is

OH LOOK! A Chinese spy ship! Shit mate! That has put the cat amongst the pigeons. Looks like a backyard golf green but never mind.

Oh the NYT has come in hard. 

Missile silos! Chinese ones! Sheeet. I mean, the Ruskies and the Yanks have got 4000 each but flock yeah, bloody Chinks. Never mind. Logic has gone AWOL. 

Where is Miss Piggy?

Pining for Kermie. 

‘Kermie Kermie, get me off this Lilypad and into some action!’

Nah. She gotta work it out Hans Solo like Princess Layla.

That’d be worth a degree or two.

BIg boats. Shit mate. OMG. 

Talisman Sabre. The Talisman you have when you want to do Luke. But he might be your brother.

Oh did I mention ASSK is in prison?

Yeah, the military don’t like her.

But ours is cool as FLOCK. FLOCK YEAH. 

Now we have some more beautiful images floating through the paradise via Twitter.

This isn’t a B21 which is what everyone covets silently, not daring to touch the wings that cost more than a trip to the shops. 

Wouldn’t I. Wouldn’t I. If I could fit it into the EDO Canbra care package, oh I bloody would. 

Look at those tanks mate. Big rubber rolling wheels. On sand! I mean, this is almost beach volleyball gold!! Six nations. Wet. Together. In formation.

How much do you think those racing binoculars cost sitting on top of their head? Stuck with Perkins Paste or something more? Hard to say. Hard to say. Bloody expensive guns I reckon. What’s he pointing it at? A Magpipe? Yeah, a magpipe. Oh put it down mate! She’s harmless.

What’s he gunna bust that door open with? His foot? Can’t he see inside with the infrared? Oh geez. How does the Opposition deal with that? This could be a bronze I reckon. He’ll have to go better than that to get the Gold. 

Oh I’ve been handed a note. Military to help control COVID in Sydney. Oh yeah, fellas, we’re at the Brisbane Olympics. This isn’t a WARATAH match. AUZMAT BRAVO has gone into Fiji. God we love the Pacific. It is true love. That’s what it is all about here. LOVE. LOVE. LOVE. And shit loads of cammo. 

Now we have a 

A B-52 Stratofortress aircraft flying alongside 

@AusAirForce‘s EA-18G Growler, F/A-18F Super Hornet and F-35A Lightning aircraft. 

Look at those big planes. Where is Clarky? Is he alongside? Maybe doesn’t like the ethanol. Vapor fumes a bit much.

It’s a big plane though isn’t it?

Real big. 

Can anyone buzz Clarky? Got a bit on at the moment. He’ll have to pull out the big ones to beat this. He’d have to shave a few seconds off the world record. 

Canberra has only offered a spit spat between the Japanese and Chinese diplos. Bloody Canberra. They’d have to be disappointed with that effort. No-one is surprised. Pencil pushers getting involved in the games. Seriously mate. This is Russell doing what it does best. Sweat. Machines. And Friendship. 

Was that another ship mention there MG?

Oh shit yeah. We’re full of ships. Big ones. 

Another GOLD twitter feed of them in formation. Sort of like sychronised swimming without the bathing caps.

Just the little frilly additions of gunners. 

What does a gunner do?

Details are not important, TOY. Just images. The medium is the message.

Note in here, MG.

According to Rear Adm. Chris Engdahl, who commands the U.S. Navy’s Expeditionary Strike Group 7, the ability of the F-35B to integrate with the Royal Australian Air Force F-35A and other assets, such as Boeing E-7A Wedgetail airborne early warning and control aircraft, during high-end air combat training “has just been spectacular.”

Well that is good to know. 

What do you think is in the explosives they are loading? 

Not sure. But I reckon you’d have to get that right or you’d be out of medal contention. Not sure what the North Koreans, the Chinese, the Syrians or the Palestinians think about that. 

Well I think if you loaded up all the bases, all the weapons, all the satellites, all the secret silos and then a little over the horizon action well, 

Do you think we really know?

Not sure. I think every team would keep a pretty tight lid on preparations. As long as you have the bold type over the images with a little TOP GUN music, I reckon the public would go for it.

If you just made out dissenters were out and out crackpots

Oh that would be the way to go. Never been done before. Truly original.

Are they getting a bit of dynamic lift with those helicopters?

Oh for sure. Just what you want in a helicopter. Dynamic lift. 

And a ski jump deck.

And a ski jump deck.

You reckon there are a few nukes around the place on board?

Oh my word. Can’t say of course. Top secret.

Top secret. Of course. Nothing important.

Nah. Top secret. You wanna go live in Equador? Fuck no! Grow a beard and have no jiggy wid it? NO WAY! Bloody QLD beaches. Cammo. International relations. 

Well here we are at the Queensland Talisman Sabre Games and what a sight for sore eyes. Countries united in sheer power and cammo. Tired from the sheer thrill of it all. And hasn’t it been an exercise in precision, formation and leadership. Didn’t see any breastroke, but maybe next year.

King or Queen?

Kath get out now! It’s not funny!

If you want your King and Queen back you’ll have to catch me! I’m all ice. You’ll have to lick me to death. It’s Frozen. Are you the bad prince Kel or Kristoff? 

Kath! This isn’t the time! I need the pieces back on the board game. Get out of the cool room. Now. 

Kim walks in 

What’s she doing Kel?

She’s bloody taken all the chess pieces off the board and hiding in there.

I’m the adorable snow woman Kim! He has to lick me to get the pieces back. 

This isn’t the time Kath! This isn’t a game!

Yes it is Kim! It’s chess. I’ve changed the rules to spice up Kel’s life. If he can find the King and Queen, he wins.

But you’re locked in a cool room!

That’s right! I’m making it interesting. Oh shit, there’s some off cheese in here. 

You’re going to get in big trouble if you don’t start taking life seriously Kath!

I am! Kel needs some more incentivsing. And this is the beginning of the big plans. 

I don’t think locking yourself in a cool room is the way forward Kath. 

Nobody asked you Kim. It is a very technical appreciation of some complex science. 

A cool room?

Yes. I can’t tell you how, but after Kel has his way and melted me for a few pawns, I’ll let you in on the secret.

I don’t think we have time to waste, Kath.

Yes Kath. Time is of the essence.

Kel, blindfold yourself with a sock. It will make it more interesting. 

Oh look Kath. We’re really busy. I haven’t got time for puppetry of the pleasure trove. 

steps out of cool room.  Chess pieces sticking from her ice castle.

Kel, if you don’t lick me all over, I swear I’ll take those F35’s and give them to the poor people. Do you know what the health budget was last year? And there are some countries that really need  Covid help! Seriously. It’s not cammo Christmas everyday you know!

Kath, I don’t think you should talk about stuff you don’t know about. Especially looking like a Smurf slurpee.

I saw those twitter feeds and I know stuff Kel. It is my responsibility to take charge. All I am asking is for a bit of down time where we can connect!

Connect  Four Kath! Now is not the time!

You left your run a bit late to tell me what is going on! I was twenty years ahead Kel! You can take your lectures and shove it. As far as I can see, I’m just your soccer ball. That’s not a ball I want to go to I am afraid! This slurpee is going to find someone who actually wants to lick me until the cup is all wet and bendy sort of like

Kath! Wake up and smell the oranges! This is a country doing great things! You can’t be half dressed with icicle nipples! It is just not on!

Girt by sea Kel! Girt by sea. And this is water. And by some incredible process it becomes ice. Scientific fact. All working together. A national effort. You need to spend more time with King Neptune.

Kath, if you don’t pull yourself together, I’m going to revise the ugg boot purchase. That’s a fact.

Threats, idle threats. That’s all I seem to get from you Kel. Well things are going to have to change. The Penguin dick sticklers I had on order are going to someone else.


I don’t know. But when I think of them, you’ll be the last person to be reading my mind. And that is a fact. 

Reverse Cannibalism

Cow phone on back 

Hello hello 

Hello dahling 

OMG no 

And then what 


Oh you are busy 

Ooh forget about it 

How are the dissolvable bullets goin’? 

OMG you are busy 

Yeah I saw 

Yeah I saw 

Unbelievable. And what did she say? 

OMG. Really. 

Oh darlin’ it is hard for me here. I do not know if I can wait my darlin’. Do you think you could lift that ankle cuff just a little bit? 


OMG don’t do it 

It is too much oh darlin’ ooh I don’ think I can wait when I get me hands on that 

What? What situation? 

I don’ no what you are talking’ about. 

Who said. 

Oh yeah. That’s old news. 

I wear all my dresses. How many lasers do you use? 

Oh you’re kiddin’ 

Talk to Austin, I haven’t got time. I have to plan my sleep walking. 

Quick I got Yak Yak on the phone one minute 

Oh hi Yak Yak 

No. You roll them in coconut after you put them in blender. 

How many times have I told you. Sighs. Really. 

Um well, I had three Tim tams before dinner. And two butternut cookies after. 

Yeah well can you get a NAVY seal out of latex in under 15 seconds? 

I put it in the manual. 


Yeah no that sounds really interesting but I got CIC on the phone and he needs my wise counsel 

We’re goin’ to Balmoral with Charlie. 

Sure you did. 

Sure you did. 

Yep sounds fascinating gotta run bye 

Sorry it was Yak Yak 

Oh I dunno some legend thing he won a medal for 

I’d play strategic chess with him but he’d win. Can you cheat? 

Go on. That’s a good idea. 

He’ll eat me if he doesn’t get a good feed soon. 

It must be how they win. The locals avoid them in case they get eaten. Reverse cannibalism. 

Oh shit it’s PP wait a sec 

Yeah PP 

Yeah right 


What do you want? 


It’s not the same thing. 

No it’s not. 

What? I saved you first! 

I did too so. 

Um well. Yeah no I liked that. 

No that was awesome. 

OMG that was so good. 

Oh shit that was funny. Ha! 

Um yeah but 

Um well 

I’m fantastic. I win so there. 

I don’t know, go bury the gold or something. 

Your sapphire has been polished enough. I’ve got sore wrists! I won’t be able to take out Ewok in 50 years when we both calm down. 

I gotta talk to CIC. He and Joe and I got plans baby. 

Don’t start. Tell Yak Yak to put in the computer how many days I bin here, how many times I could have been naked, how many ponds and creek beds there are, how many times you lot sit on your arse. Divide it by boring articles, times it by cumulative lack of Dutch courage and then formulate a hypothesis that I can live with. 

Well I can’t help you with that darling. The whole world is watching. Bye bye 

Oh just Prince Valiant. Anyway darling I have to go. 

Yes. Please get some fresh air in that tent. You know how I hate it when I can hear the whirr of polyester on your fatigues. It’s like a French erotic movie without subtitles. 

I will. 

I am taking it seriously! 

Don’t listen to him. He’s jealous. I’ll crumble a butternut in his direction. 

Ok dahlin’ 

I love you sweetie pie!!! 

I would but you got too many exercises to plan. It really can take time! I want you to save your energy. Think of yourself as a solar panel. On my roof. 


You poisoned me again


We did not


You did.


Maybe if you 


How are you going to run that with artists? ‘If you don’t do what we want, we’ll make you throw up.’ Idiots. 


You know the rules 


Never seen them, don’t know them. A bit like you and God. 


This isn’t the time 


I think a run against the religious a bit much 


We didn’t do anything. Prove it. 


How? If we don’t know the rules and you keep changing them! I throw up when I advocate Western aims, I throw up when I don’t, do you have any idea when the children will know what they are doing is right or wrong? Because I think it would be safe to say, as you can be involved in secret missions that break rules


You don’t know that


Ok, an informed guess 


You don’t know that. Operational matters have rules. 


There are no rules in New Journalism. 


There are rules. You just know when you discussing someone’s affair is correct and when it is not. 


The media has broken that rule millions of times!


That’s right. How you behave is a reflection of your person and professionalism. It is up to you. It is a moral choice. 


How can self-satire be a crime? I am satirising myself!


Ah but it has consequences. 


How? I was simply adding a bit to an electric chicken dance. You can’t poison someone for five seconds of fleeting footage. 


Ali, you know what you did. And I can never work out when you are Augustus and when you are Hitchens. It seems to change with the days. 


See? See what you have taught me! I’m a shape shifter. For tha’ people!


You’re old enough to know better. 


The footy club wanted me to go there! They want me to go in, under the posts and score runs!


They did not. 


They did. You want fans, you better stop making foreign policy the province of dull twats 


Logistical matters are important. 


You asked me to go there!


We did not. 


You did to so!


You’re hurting yourself


The only people that will bring foreign policy back into something respectable are creative individuals that highlight the 


Oh that would be you, right? 


Well, actually now that you mention it 


Surprise sur


You can’t keep poisoning me!


Do something about it. 


Oh this is going to be great. Edina and Patsy off to the High Court. 


We’ll help you. 


Oh yeah, like you have before? No thanks. It would be like Christopher Hitchens helping Mother Theresa. The Presenter will ask for my phone number 17 times a day until I find out 


Think of it like charades. But with words. 


I just can’t believe it, while Kamala is entering into the hollowed halls, I am going to be fighting 


Well we don’t know that yet. You might get way laid and swim across to Duntroon. Nude foreign policy bulletins in fairy floss coat? 


You’re stealing my ideas!


Oh, but aren’t they great ones. 


If only you knew


But we do darling. We do. 


shuffles paper, walks out. 


Blue Crush



Here we are right in Alpha Territory 

Look at the specimens! 

Like young gazelles, they run through the landscape, alert and aware of any oncoming danger

Secretly disguised as a Common Eastern Board surfy slacker, behind those Doe Eyed ripped tradey muscles, lies the Potent Alpha. 

One minute laying pine bark mulch around recycled brick, the next out in the water hunting the next wave. 

Man versus Nature! 

The Beast and the Beauty!

Oh wait – there is an upset! Chicks with surfboards! Running the show! Alongside the Men! Oh shit. Oh shit. What are we going to say about that Ladies and Gentlemen? 

My goodness me. Specimens of exceptional ability and grace. Too bad about the fat sucking blobs known as the rest of us! Too bad eh? Just too bad! 

Grab the wax strips and hit the bikini line peeps!!! No more moustache for me!!

Truly, what to say now that we have ripped muscles running the show! Forget the pansies back in the office ladies and gents! This is a real show for real believers! 

Brings new meaning to on the beaches hey? That’s right! Surfie God Empire right here Gents, a little bit of cladding, a little bit of a million dollar home, good looking laid back chick on the arm and we are home and hosed! 

Anyone for Kale? Anyone for an infused energy drink before a 12 hour day ladies and gents??  

This is the stuff of SAS legends! Anyone want to be dropped out of helicopter at a great height into freezing cold water so your Muff Can Be Icicles Of Antarctic Heights???!! 

OF COURSE!!! Swim with the sharks, see a whale on the way and find yourself back home via a transmitter!!! 

At the same time, try and find the logic in a Defence White Paper!! Make it origami and paper plane that bastard around Russell!!! 

Wait, there is a windswept hair out of place. Oh no, not sure if that is going to look good with the Aqua steamer. Pilates at 8, work at 9, surf when you can. That’s what we are about! Big things happening here in Oz Ladies and Gentlemen! 

Remember, if you an overweight male with social and political commentary you are a genius but if you are a chick doing the electric chicken dance by a river, you are in trouble people!! 

That’s right. Equality strides right here as the Australian government once again proves encryption is not a service that they partake in or they do but only sometimes wait they’ve spent millions! Billions! 

How they gunna run that line in Senate Estimates?? 

‘We have billions for encryption but well, we can’t have the kiddies doing satirical digs at their own government’ 


Oh that’s genius. 


All open source but never mind.


Mikey! We have a problem!


Agnes 225, Government 1





Agnes Does KP.




Sometimes I think the Philip he say, Agnes, your clue go on holiday sometimes and I think, yes, it is true but sometimes it come home to me. 

Long time holiday, for sure but it come and I give it hug and say, thankyou very much my darling for coming back to me like Prodigy, no problem for me. 

And it come to me, that a lawng tyme ago, with the blood from smart but very naughty boy from long ago, that the Victoria she like the boy from me, and he do great things. Mah really. 

But the little Agnes, she know the block, and she think ‘mah what he do to the Great Ecky Thump Land of People Who Traverse the Globe And Do Great Things?’ 

And I think he very naughty boy, maybe he say something to the Yankee Poodles and the people Who Before Not Like the Ekky Thump Because Of Years Ago But They Fix That So but anyway And So the The Yankee Poodle Was Born. 

I say it and it is true. 


The true sometimes also go on the holiday with me. 

The Yankee Poodle from before He Was With The Ekky Thump That Before Fight The War that the Yankee Won From the Ekky Thump and the U2 they got the help from the Yankee for the PACE that now it stay. 

But Agnes, she think about this and she think. 

Mah these people very funny because why they no like the Empire That Was Before And Then They Have The Empire That Was Before.

Like, almost exactly but with new people. 

And the Thatcher she not for the turning but she turn for the Actor With the Bad Memory. 

This is very funny for Agnes. 

Before, when the fat one Who Drink Alot Win The War But Make British Empire Little Building That the Yankee Hide in When He Lose The War From the Yellow People well 

The Yankee he wait and he wait like the very smart boy and he take, no problem.

And the art, from the Booty, it go to them. For sure, no problem. 

Mah this is no problem but now the Agnes, the clue come back to her and she be the Yankee Poodle. 

Mah but no poodle for her! She have the real one. She have two and it one. 

And she wait. 

Big Empire for her. 

If the clue no go on the holiday.


Jaime Packer interview 


Hello Jaime? 


Hello. Who is this? 


This is Agnes. speaks slowly You understaaaand me? hand cups phone The Jaime. He has dyslexic. But not really. It just pretend that way. Very funny little fat fatha 




Hello my friend! You mix the red and the green? What is your problem? 




What is wrong with this phone? What the American satellites not work over road? They have empire and the little chubby boy 


Who is this? 


Oh this is Agnes for very important interview. Kerry and I we fix it so everything good. Blackfella eat goanna and goodbye problem. You see? I fix for you. Slate sparkle and everything. Little boy where that fat girl go for? Why you no hava tha gel she no like the OneTel mah you have babies and everything! 


I’m sorry. I don’t know


The Alex. He no understand the Asha like me! Macau problems for you go walkies! Hello what you need those for? 


I think you might 


to the side He no understand but really he does he and the Big One they no want the Chink Chonks to write the last line agreement, so he pretend 


What? What did you just say? 


I just tell them about how you clever and where the money 


What money? 


Mah Jaime no pretend to me!! What you do up there in the Honkers! aside The Jaime he have the big boys and I don know what you think? I think I no like the Casino but it is for him and the colour little too much for the Agnes she think hello, I think I am out of here, what goes on here my little boy? 


Um, I really can’t say


Mah, no worry my little chubby boy! No need no Tom Cruise, we do it all. I talk to the Honkers, I talk to the Mainland, I talk to the little pimple one who wear LA clothes who make those plain clothes? These bambinos no like the fashion I think, mah, thank you Allah for Kanye and King James otherwise I think the little skinny white boy with money like to look like dishcloth for us to wipe the floor. What they think? They think Mexican like them more if they wear the paw clothes? Ay dunno. I think it better if I speak to the Oprah and well, Belarus, I dunno. 


Are you suggesting that


No mah darling! I no want Walker and Peacock on my coochie! They too boring fah me. They Double Bay foo us, we leave it behind in the dust. Bye Bye but I get you gel with the idea and no worries for me. Mah I have the clicker on the clacker and you see with Big Five Eyes you see that this is for the Best Ones! Mah but I see everythin’ we wait the digital I don’ no but for sure you must make the new ones! Because the camera on the people is little boring for meee, they no interestin’ no? We make more fun in the Asha I have the program for us.


Ah ok…..


Mah if you want the Yankee Poodle just talk to me I no everywun and we do it on Big Ship near the Island. Not the bad Island though. But I forget which one Good Island and Which Bad Island? 


Sorry, I 


I talk to Yankee Poodle and find out.  They like to talk mah Donnie we work it out on tha Gulf Course. Qatar. PSG for sure is good looking Mussie French boy and Isabella and I, we not fritened. No Carla for us!



I take the sword from the Lake Burley Griffen. Geffen. No Griffen, for minute there I think I am in the Land of Lachlan big house with the tunnel. Hello Lachlan! Party for Agnes what you do in the tunnel? No problem for me the Other Brother from the Same Mother why you need to hide we have no problems! I am like the Rupert we do it no matter no hide for us! But mah no, I am in the Canbra where the Sheep in the Wolves clothing win Chook raffle for the people. No problem for us. 


Today, I go for the swim (in bikini and flippers and floaties) mah I do this to pull tha sword from tha lake mah my little PJK he say to me, Agnes, you in big trouble you not be with the people you go and get the sword and I say mah PJ, look at this! I do it all for you and  I will be better than you by ten times you think you only One in the world with the good clothes to Be in the Tin Humpy? Mah no mate! Look at this! This is a J Curve! Mah hello I am onto you PJK. No problem for me. The sword, it like zippity zop straight into the little hand of Agnes. I do the chopper and I do the sexy clothes and I do the maps I do it all and no problem for me. 


But now, the flippity flop into the what is this? Is this the Lake or what? What in here exactly? I don’t know. Mah maybe they no like someone and I don’t know. What you think? What the fish in the pond here? Bloody barracuda mate. I don know about that koi. It very orange to me look like the Quack Quack face. 


Hoppy, what you think about the water here? Yeah, me too. I think maybe I don’t know. 


Anyway (has the mask) we be off like Herd of Turtles. 


When I come back, I have the sword. 


And we do it for the Lebanon. crosses herself. 



And I say to myself, mah what is wrong with the criss cross? The criss cross is good for us no? It is very confusing but like the riddle but what you know about the riddle? The smart gels and boys they like the riddle so I do it better than them. 


The left and the right not know where it go and I change it so nobody can see where it been or going. 


The people, the big ones, they say ‘Agnes, why you do this?’ and ‘why you not go To See the Big Things’ and I say to them ‘Mah what you think, you think I do not know about Plausible Deniability Mate? 


They think you are very stupid. They not know we are very clever but On The Inside. 


But it is true. I do this very good because it is true. My clue go on holiday very much and The Ability well, it is plausible. But it is true. 


The Letterman he say, enough the Agnes! No Roxanne for me baby! No more. And I say, maybe. 


What your problem with the big nose and the big body? You know what they say! Agnes, she know this!


This is why I think, better I not in the Land of the Chocolate Muslim because Maybe, Too Many Good Looking Noses For Me.


And this is a problem. 


I no want the boys from the Los Palos to be the jealous because I not think of them. Greater Sunrise and for sure.


Mah maybe you never seen them before. But baby, this is problem for you, not for me. 

Hello foreign affair! It affair of heart for sure. 


This serve us. 


You see? 


I do it all. 


Screen Shot 2015-10-20 at 2.00.48 pm


We have a new Prime Minister. He walks on water. And there are refugees. 

Now some Western countries have decided that maybe their borders aren’t as open as they were before and this means that other countries will get them. I don’t know why they are heading to the West anyway. All the growth is going to come in the other areas so for the life of me I cannot work it out. I guess they think they can earn more money and well, they probably can. But standard of living.

I mean, would you wait and think I’ll wait until our garden is tended again or would you bite the bullet and say, nah, time to move? 
Homeless. That is one psychological rootlessness.
I cried when my parents said they might move house – and the old one stays in the family. I sure have alot of blackfella in me because the ugly apartments they put up in the Eastern suburbs do my head in. It’s not like we live in one of the beautiful cities of the world with tons of light and natural bush. So yeah, I’d build an ugly concrete bunker. That’s a great idea. 
Did I ever tell you about the magnificent subway that runs under Moscow?
That is something to see. It’s quite incredible. I guess if the aliens came they would only remember Putin but I am telling you those subways are something else. I thought they were great. I guess they are as beautiful as the Esfahan and well, I really loved the mosque’s I saw this year but well, I am talking about Russia now and don’t you go bitching about Russia. We might be all mercenary Romans if it wasn’t for a Russian. That’s not quite true but you get my historical meaning. And those subways can tell you alot if you bother to go there.
I am not sure I loved Berlesconi with Putin btw but that’s aside. That’s for later. There is a fair bit to talk about on that front. Obama meeting with Xi and all that. 
Anyway, while the refugees of the world deal with domestic uncertainty and kids in tow, poor bastards,  I’ve been reading Gone With the Wind. I laughed my arse off. 
It had a really good bit about old civilisations just dying away but I think that is just crap. Howard’s End. Ditto. Etc Etc. Ashley and the old world and all that.  I never heard anything so stupid all the people fighting to make money haven’t got any more strength than the old ones survival of the fittest my fat backside. Sounds to me like sour grapes from people who bitch about people they know nothing about.
If it was survival of the fittest Keating wouldn’t have made the Redfern speechand we wouldn’t support the arts so I think they are full of it. People in glass houses in the media supported by the biggest act of government kindness I sincerely doubt it is survival of the fittest anywhere. Where do you think those military boys get the money? The tooth fairy?
But I do think it might be right that if you fight a battle when your military isn’t the biggest, you have a problem on your hands. I mean, it doesn’t mean you roll over and die if someone is being an out and out lunatic but well, you gotta get clever. I am not sure anyone listened to Rhett and I reckon, well, I think I have been Rhett.
I ain’t Scarlett anyway I am Rhett because these idiots don’t know a good thing when they got it. People working for free to do good things and what do you get? Sniping from people so rich they peel their skin off rather than fight. I am over that crap. Nothing there when the skin peels off anyway. My sister died with red dots all over her and god she was worth ten of these idiots.
They can curate a personality but they can’t live one. I’d prefer to die with fashion’s latest hiding the blemishes. Roll in the mud after Saturday sport. Mark my grave with a Holden sticker because in the end, everyone is going to remember if you were a dick. 
And that doesn’t mean just handing money out to people because in the end, they see a middle class chick coming and they just smell money. And if there is only one of you, well someone has to be the good angel and someone the bad. It can make for some horrible self conversations but you godda hang tight or you’ll die nothing but putty in the hands of some idiot moron.
So Malcolm has said something about Syrian strikes.
People start burying their children again around here and I am going to Canberra with a shot gun. I don’t care who he is married to.
Well Lucy’s a Hughes. Argue for a living that lot.

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