Tag: knock it off (Page 1 of 5)

Days Like This


phone

Mate, I just need four bullet points.

 

No, forget denial.  I was thinkin’ somethin’ a little zippier. 

 

Wait, I got a call comin’ in

 

Oh hello Bungendore 

 

What? 

 

Seriously, two minutes and 

 

Open the box mate 

 

Look at the switches

 

Yeah nah the one down

 

No to the right 

 

Jesus

 

You got it? 

 

Where is the one for the windmill? Go down. That one. 

 

Yeah but can you believe he did without me.

 

Oh grow up Bungendore! 

 

Everybody has to pull their weight and do some typin! 

 

No 

 

No

 

Nah he’s not goin’ there anymore 

 

Um well the thing with the Japs? 

 

Yeah dunno, haven’t seen the fine print

 

Are the Germans comin’ with sausage?  

 

Dunno.  Dunno. 

 

Oh mate, Raby is goin’ it again 

 

Dunno. Dunno. But Bhutan is a beauty.

 

Nah. But geez I did 50k’s on the bike and 

 

What? Seat of power love. 

 

Yeah nah The Ring. All goin’ on. 

 

Yeah hard but someone has to do it. They don’t realise how hard it is to wait around for me latte. All skill there mate. 

 

Yeah, surfin’ louche meets dairy farmer. The way forward. Clearly.

 

REM policy. Bloody genius. Outdoin’ herself once again. 

 

Oh but seriously! We got roads to build. Hard hats. Fluro vests. Did you go fishin’?

 

Nah. Nah. Reno’s takin’ forever. 5th investment home is the trick. 

 

Tell the boss looking good. 

 

Oh listen might be a week late but other than that pretty much on schedule. 

 

Oh mate, someone has to do it. 

 

Listen, any minute now we’ll have a roof. 

 

laughs

 

Any minute now. 

 

Yeah. 

 

Yeah. 

 

Love to Bungendore. 

 

Bye. 

AND NOW FOR SOMETHING COMPLETELY NEW

Chinese media threatens ‘evil’ Australia’s warships in South China Sea

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Tropical Blobescsent

One of the Communist Party’s chief mouthpieces has branded Australia “evil” and warned warships carrying out patrols in the South China Sea are at risk of being attacked.

BOOBIES

An editorial published by the jingoistic Global Times tabloid newspaper said Prime Minister Scott Morrison had “lost his diplomatic manner” after China’s Foreign Ministry had published a fake image slurring Australian soldiers over alleged war crimes in Afghanistan.

TOTAL BS

But Five Eyes ally New Zealand rallied to Australia’s support, while the Afghan government urged calm.

WE ARE TOTALLY BRO’ED UP

The newspaper’s editorial said Mr Morrison’s demand for an apology had been “ruthlessly rejected” by the ministry and “ridiculed” by the Chinese people.

“Australia now has such a rude and arrogant government and a group of political and opinion elites who don’t have a clear estimation of themselves,” the editorial said.

WORD 

China plunged the toxic relationship further into disrepair after one of its chief spokesmen, Lijian Zhao, tweeted a fake image of an Australian soldier slitting the throat of an Afghan boy, a reference to an allegation in the Brereton report into alleged atrocities committed by special forces.

SCARY DUDE. KNIVES. WHERE IS THE FKN LASER WE PAID FOR. 

Mr Morrison branded the picture “repugnant” and demanded the tweet be deleted, with protests made through both the Chinese embassy in Canberra and Australian embassy in Beijing.

OMG YELLOW SAVAGES.

However, he suggested that with the tweet sending relations to rock bottom, it was actually an opportunity to reset bilateral ties.

SURPRISE SURPRISE. FIVE EYES WANDERS IN AFTER DOING EVERYONE.

 

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But the Global Times said Australia had implemented a “wolf-style policy” towards China and was the “most savage accomplice of US suppression”.

WAIT. BOTH SIDES ARE WOLVES? WHO IS THE WARRIOR?

“Australia’s evil acts toward China have made Chinese society not only surprised, but also disgusted,” the editorial said.

“As a warhound of the US, Australia should restrain its arrogance. Particularly, its warships must not come to China’s coastal areas to flex muscles, or else it will swallow the bitter pills.”

JESUS. A LEAST A FKN MONGREL KELPIE. WARHOUND IS LOW. 

New Zealand Prime Minister Jacinda Ardern said her country had protested directly to China over the post.

“It was an un-factual post and, of course, that would concern us. So, that is something that we have raised directly in the manner that New Zealand does when we have such concerns,” she said.

BECAUSE SO MANY OFFICIAL POSTS ARE FACTUAL. THANKS JA.

Afghanistan’s Foreign Ministry issued a statement saying it was aware of the doctored image.

UM, WHY WERE WE IN AFGHANISTAN? CAN YOU PLEASE DOCTOR MY IMAGE? PLEASE? 

“The Ministry of Foreign Affairs and the Australian Government are jointly working to investigate the misconduct of the Australian soldiers in Afghanistan,” the statement said.

“The aim of the investigation is to ensure that the perpetrators are identified and brought to justice.

WHO, WHY, WHERE. UM, WHY WERE WE IN AFGHANISTAN?  

“The Islamic Republic of Afghanistan believes that both Australia and China are key players in building and maintaining international and regional consensus on peace and development in Afghanistan. Afghanistan hopes to maintain and strengthen cooperation with the two countries.”

WHAT DON’T YOU LIKE ABOUT OUR DESERT? BLOODY TOPS. YOU GOT A SWIMMING HOLE? WE GOT A SWIMMING HOLE. YOU GOT A 4X4 WITH A DESERT WINDSHIELD, 4 RESERVE TANKS AND A SAT NAV GPS TRYCLOPS BIFURECATED REVERSE ENGINEERED TOUCH SCREEN ALUMINIUM PLATED DUNNY PAPER HOLDER? NAH. YOU DON’T HAVE THAT. 

Sound of trumpets, enters Paulus Emeritus Grand Poo Bear of China Panda Droppings.

 

‘The Pax America is not the natural order of things.’

 

Aussie BS Interpretor: 

 

Those Americans can shove it right up the clacker. It is our money.’

 

’Trump has no appetite for war.’

 

‘As above. Bugger off.’

 

It is not the Soviet Union. The US must adjust to the reality of China.’

 

It’s my bloody Imperial project and I’ll determine how this goes, troggies’

 

‘India’s GDP will not rival China’s’

 

You’re dreamin’. 

 

‘US must decide where vital interests lie’

 

‘With me. Remember who deregulated. That’s right. I’m your Daddy. Who has an investment home or two?’

 

‘The hysteria of the media.’

 

‘I own you. No-one compares to me.’ 

 

John Lee US Study Centre: China has fiscally spent too much on national security and needs to spend more on ageing. 

 

‘China is a dirty old hag and needs to go jump. It’s that or shares in a dermatologist. We’re gunna win.’

 

Paul Maley, Oz defence journalist: What do you all think? 

 

Ignore. Cyborg. Deadset. Probably military intelligence on the side.

 

Martin Parkinson, former PM&C:  China is not monolithic. What is it trying to achieve? 

 

Deflect, pose, deflect. Onya Marty. Hey, what does Treasury look like? Any money? 

 

Richard Marles, Opp Defence: We need a guiding philosophy. 

 

Idiot didn’t see the Aussie tourism ad. He’s wearing a George Hamilton tan. Just got off the sun-bed. Ignore. Hey, anyone want to talk about what is happening in South Australia? 

 

Denis Richardson, Canberra Godfather: What do you suggest? 

 

Oh good onya Richard. Clown. We don’t do philosophy in defence. We do strategy. 

 

Marles: A bi-partisan 

 

Piss off Denis. I am trying to make a point here and get more votes. Go back to Washington. 

 

Richardson: We’re going fine.

 

Defenced ‘up the gonads. I know everything. 

 

Hamish Douglass, Magellan Funds: China is a great opportunity and I would ignore it at your peril. 

 

Chinese officials in the audience. How do I spell Uighar? Is that with a yuan? 

 

Andrew Michelmore, Mining Honcho: I think regarding China, you have to do things differently now. 

 

If we played dirty before, we just play dirty, better. I love mining. Greenies piss off. 

 

John Lord, Huawei: Huawei is a completely innocent party and as ex-NAVY I trust it completely. 

 

Don’t ask about cables, submarines or why ex-NAV is working with a possibly outlawed Chinese tech company. Its top secret.

 

Albert Tse, Chinese Capital Stuff, Honey: We’re not all trying to take over the world. 

 

But making money helps. Look at me. Don’t ask how I got here. 

 

David Irvine FIRB and Cyber Security:  Tech theft and data protection are the big issues. 

 

You need us. We are so protective of you little people, said the Canberra Cardinal. Kiss my ring. 

 

Get me a bucket

 

Female Media Panel: There should be more Chinese experts. We feel threatened. China should let us do our work. 

 

Poor us. We are so lowly and so rarely given the opportunity to say our piece. But we work for the media. The one that gets to talk a lot. We are all women. Look how important we are! Boo-hoo.

 

Oscar race here. 

 

This whole bastard conference is about China. I wish I was bloody China.

 

We want you to use your platform.

 

Aha. We want.

 

The kid border thing

 

The problem with the kid border thing is that like the refugee issue in Australia, there are national security issues at the heart of it and you don’t want to admit that. But yes, naturally I don’t believe in it. What’s to believe in?

 

Anyhow, and the border issue and Trump

 

And Trump. Yes, diabolical. And what? Are we to constantly consider the issues of the American President pressing when internationally there is quite a lot on the plate? You understand that you constantly try to garner more leverage by distracting people from the real issues and perhaps that isn’t exactly

 

But you know what the President says

 

What the President says and what is happening at a macro level are two totally different things. He is desperately trying to lose the next election so that the grey police can continue to keep Washington and the capitals ‘cleansed’ as it were from undesirables. Not exactly white shirts. But the tactics are mostly underhand and underreported.

 

Do you think that unqualified people should be in charge of policy?

 

No. I didn’t say that. I simply cannot enter constantly into US domestic politics when there are bigger things at play including the fact you had me on a bathroom floor two weeks ago. But Justin Bieber must be really struggling. He probably was but not from glancing in the wrong direction or deigning to go by helicopter over a desert. The crime.

 

But if you say something

 

What do you want me to say? I don’t think mistreatment of illegals is humane? Of course it bloody isn’t. But like Australia they will drag this out as part of some human rights agenda when in fact, strategy may have more to do with it.

 

You don’t know that.

 

Oh I think I do. And it is inhumane. And yes, I think what the young Democrats are saying is brilliant. What is not to like? I just have other things on my mind.

 

He is racist.

 

And? What? You elected him. So, unelect him. Perhaps if you discussed the racist nature of large countries bombing the crap out of smaller ones we’d also have a discussion. I guess then America would not be so outspoken. You see how Empires work? They are only for you if you do not criticise them. If for instance, you say ‘hey Philippines! You are Olaf’ this is not popular. But it is true. Very true.

 

So you think they should go China’s way.

 

I am simply saying that if they continue to egg on America’s involvement, a relationship so beneficial to the Philippines they have spent most of their time in the 20th Century abroad looking for work, they will be one of the first hit. Or, if you like your ideas neutered and palatable, they are in an area of ‘hotly contested’ waters or something. Regardless, that’s the dealio and no amount of flag waving from self interested parties that will be sitting back in a hotel room as it happens, makes me think otherwise. But knock yourselves out. If the East keeps this up, they’ll just erase themselves from any possible revival that might have signified something curiously beneficial.

 

That’s bullshit.

 

That’s true. Whether or not I advocated the complete opposite is neither here nor there.

 

Can you even spell Machiavelli?

 

In the time I would have liked to educate myself, I have been dealing with your incredibly thorough and not so inspiring cyber obfuscation. And allegedly, not talented enough for your ‘work’. If work means ‘politically acceptable journalism advocated by security services that serve nations not people.’ But if you are suggesting whether I am aware that politicians change policy, yes.

 

Give us a policy.

 

When I recover from the poison, you get a policy. Dealing with whatever little gem I am going to proffer next as you tell me repeatedly how lacking in talent and morals and strength I am while you beat me down until I cannot get up, I might. By the way, can you please tell a few of your subjects their acting is atrocious. I hate to lose people because you didn’t train them well enough. I thought there always had to be a kernel of truth. I don’t see the kernel.

 

So wonderful dealing with an expert.

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