Tag: knock it off (page 1 of 4)

Notes From A Very Important China Conference

Sound of trumpets, enters Paulus Emeritus Grand Poo Bear of China Panda Droppings.

 

‘The Pax America is not the natural order of things.’

 

Aussie BS Interpretor: 

 

Those Americans can shove it right up the clacker. It is our money.’

 

’Trump has no appetite for war.’

 

‘As above. Bugger off.’

 

It is not the Soviet Union. The US must adjust to the reality of China.’

 

It’s my bloody Imperial project and I’ll determine how this goes, troggies’

 

‘India’s GDP will not rival China’s’

 

You’re dreamin’. 

 

‘US must decide where vital interests lie’

 

‘With me. Remember who deregulated. That’s right. I’m your Daddy. Who has an investment home or two?’

 

‘The hysteria of the media.’

 

‘I own you. No-one compares to me.’ 

 

John Lee US Study Centre: China has fiscally spent too much on national security and needs to spend more on ageing. 

 

‘China is a dirty old hag and needs to go jump. It’s that or shares in a dermatologist. We’re gunna win.’

 

Paul Maley, Oz defence journalist: What do you all think? 

 

Ignore. Cyborg. Deadset. Probably military intelligence on the side.

 

Martin Parkinson, former PM&C:  China is not monolithic. What is it trying to achieve? 

 

Deflect, pose, deflect. Onya Marty. Hey, what does Treasury look like? Any money? 

 

Richard Marles, Opp Defence: We need a guiding philosophy. 

 

Idiot didn’t see the Aussie tourism ad. He’s wearing a George Hamilton tan. Just got off the sun-bed. Ignore. Hey, anyone want to talk about what is happening in South Australia? 

 

Denis Richardson, Canberra Godfather: What do you suggest? 

 

Oh good onya Richard. Clown. We don’t do philosophy in defence. We do strategy. 

 

Marles: A bi-partisan 

 

Piss off Denis. I am trying to make a point here and get more votes. Go back to Washington. 

 

Richardson: We’re going fine.

 

Defenced ‘up the gonads. I know everything. 

 

Hamish Douglass, Magellan Funds: China is a great opportunity and I would ignore it at your peril. 

 

Chinese officials in the audience. How do I spell Uighar? Is that with a yuan? 

 

Andrew Michelmore, Mining Honcho: I think regarding China, you have to do things differently now. 

 

If we played dirty before, we just play dirty, better. I love mining. Greenies piss off. 

 

John Lord, Huawei: Huawei is a completely innocent party and as ex-NAVY I trust it completely. 

 

Don’t ask about cables, submarines or why ex-NAV is working with a possibly outlawed Chinese tech company. Its top secret.

 

Albert Tse, Chinese Capital Stuff, Honey: We’re not all trying to take over the world. 

 

But making money helps. Look at me. Don’t ask how I got here. 

 

David Irvine FIRB and Cyber Security:  Tech theft and data protection are the big issues. 

 

You need us. We are so protective of you little people, said the Canberra Cardinal. Kiss my ring. 

 

Get me a bucket

 

Female Media Panel: There should be more Chinese experts. We feel threatened. China should let us do our work. 

 

Poor us. We are so lowly and so rarely given the opportunity to say our piece. But we work for the media. The one that gets to talk a lot. We are all women. Look how important we are! Boo-hoo.

 

Oscar race here. 

 

This whole bastard conference is about China. I wish I was bloody China.

 

O-PAL

I’m just here outside ANSTO

What a wonderful delight

Saving the world you see 

With an Opal Reactor 

 

It is all about nuclear medicine, can’t you see? 

 

Oh that rare earths agreement 

Just a small timely thing

I mean seriously, of course we can

Yeah China might have the run 

It was good to allow them 

To take the environmental tonne, 

 

Oh we’re an ambitious little Australia

Cocky in our lot 

No need to tell anyone what’s going on

We’re Rome on the run, 

 

Nothing like a Western Sydney Wanderer

To make us feel important 

We are the sun

 

When history has forgot us 

Or when we’ve turned away from those small inconsequential facts 

I know deep down

You’ll unmask the lot 

So principled 

And proud 

 

 

And when the quiet reveals 

How you scrubbed aside the 

Irregularities 

How you carelessly 

Thought

Your place was more important

Than anything 

Else 

Then we’ll see

What rule you claim to 

Believe 

I sure as shit hope 

You’ve got some money 

For the sick. 

 

 

 

Isn’t it funny

They can publish newspapers 

As clearly lined 

As a modernist dream

But twixt them 

Well 

 

Anything that counters real power

Ain’t anywhere to be seen.

 

 

 

There is a thought

That as you get older

You’ll swarm closer to the 

Engines of power

And through wisdom 

Somehow know 

What is right and wrong 

But ultimately 

What happens is the fight goes 

The desire for friendship greater

So 

The estates wither 

And then damn those 

That aren’t 

Holding the line. 

 

 

 

I think the rage is 

That the fix is in 

That you cannot 

Change your circumstance

Although they claim 

That all are equal 

 

Even in the republic chime 

Are people who have benefited from 

Relationships that propelled them 

To power 

And it is this 

That is the grist 

That makes me green 

 

Because for all that equality propaganda 

Are people that owe all their success 

To privilege and connections 

 

So spare 

Me

Please. 

 

 

 

And what would it matter 

If I railed and roiled 

It is not business of yours 

I am not your fucking donut 

A piece of dough to raise and diminish 

When you feel fit

 

You have diminished me so many times 

And I have not forgotten 

 

You’d better be careful 

If I decide 

To use all my energy 

To reduce you to 

Whit. 

 

 

 

I can’t help it if you bore me 

You sort of do 

The lectures have been interminable 

Sort of like 

A parsons lunch 

The bastard place 

Is lousy with great stuff 

You run around being fabulous 

And here I am 

Sitting in a house 

Again

 

The conversations over the years 

Have been the equivalent 

Of horseshit being tipped over 

A face 

 

So 

 

I think it is time 

For you to get it back.

 

 

I’m a worker you see

I lovely little worker

I work so hard 

Let me tell you hard I work 

I mean how hard I work 

I am just such a hard worker 

So busy 

Whew 

 

Maybe if you told those 

That don’t have a job 

How great they can be

And stopped talking about how hard you work 

 

We wouldn’t call you 

A bunch of aggrandising tossers 

People have always worked 

You didn’t invent 

It

Dopey. 

 

 

 

Um Jared Diamond 

Comes to mind 

Can I go hard 

On the biological stuff 

Because it seems to me that yes 

That would be something 

That would 

Warrant a big bloody 

Investigation. 

 

 

 

African Swine Flu? 

Now what could be 

At the centre of that. 

What a 

Development

 

 

Diana

A fruitcake? 

No

They never got it those boys 

Still don’t 

Didn’t see 

The huge gap in their perception 

And ours 

 

Courtiers 

And crew

Should tread carefully 

When trying to define 

Someone we saw

As absolutely 

Brillant 

 

Beautiful and luminous 

A bona fide star

That was flesh and blood. 

 

Her tantrums 

A reaction to 

Byzantine plots 

 

You see 

The human when sensing 

Rightly or wrongly 

That they are 

A piece on a 

Chess board 

Will react like a wild

Animal 

Tethered 

Like Schoenaerts Mustang 

 

It is the animal instinct that kicks in 

Sensing that somewhere 

Lurks 

Danger or even

Just flagrant disrespect 

 

And I can imagine 

What prisoners feel 

It was like that 

For her

 

Well

They learnt a lesson

Clearly. 

 

 

 

And yet they continue 

To discuss 

Prisoner rehabilitation 

While allowing others 

To treat people 

Like 

Rubbish. 

 

Let’s just say 

I don’t react well 

To it 

As a notion 

And that’s 

The kind version. 

 

 

We Want (A Platform)

We want you to use your platform.

 

Aha. We want.

 

The kid border thing

 

The problem with the kid border thing is that like the refugee issue in Australia, there are national security issues at the heart of it and you don’t want to admit that. But yes, naturally I don’t believe in it. What’s to believe in?

 

Anyhow, and the border issue and Trump

 

And Trump. Yes, diabolical. And what? Are we to constantly consider the issues of the American President pressing when internationally there is quite a lot on the plate? You understand that you constantly try to garner more leverage by distracting people from the real issues and perhaps that isn’t exactly

 

But you know what the President says

 

What the President says and what is happening at a macro level are two totally different things. He is desperately trying to lose the next election so that the grey police can continue to keep Washington and the capitals ‘cleansed’ as it were from undesirables. Not exactly white shirts. But the tactics are mostly underhand and underreported.

 

Do you think that unqualified people should be in charge of policy?

 

No. I didn’t say that. I simply cannot enter constantly into US domestic politics when there are bigger things at play including the fact you had me on a bathroom floor two weeks ago. But Justin Bieber must be really struggling. He probably was but not from glancing in the wrong direction or deigning to go by helicopter over a desert. The crime.

 

But if you say something

 

What do you want me to say? I don’t think mistreatment of illegals is humane? Of course it bloody isn’t. But like Australia they will drag this out as part of some human rights agenda when in fact, strategy may have more to do with it.

 

You don’t know that.

 

Oh I think I do. And it is inhumane. And yes, I think what the young Democrats are saying is brilliant. What is not to like? I just have other things on my mind.

 

He is racist.

 

And? What? You elected him. So, unelect him. Perhaps if you discussed the racist nature of large countries bombing the crap out of smaller ones we’d also have a discussion. I guess then America would not be so outspoken. You see how Empires work? They are only for you if you do not criticise them. If for instance, you say ‘hey Philippines! You are Olaf’ this is not popular. But it is true. Very true.

 

So you think they should go China’s way.

 

I am simply saying that if they continue to egg on America’s involvement, a relationship so beneficial to the Philippines they have spent most of their time in the 20th Century abroad looking for work, they will be one of the first hit. Or, if you like your ideas neutered and palatable, they are in an area of ‘hotly contested’ waters or something. Regardless, that’s the dealio and no amount of flag waving from self interested parties that will be sitting back in a hotel room as it happens, makes me think otherwise. But knock yourselves out. If the East keeps this up, they’ll just erase themselves from any possible revival that might have signified something curiously beneficial.

 

That’s bullshit.

 

That’s true. Whether or not I advocated the complete opposite is neither here nor there.

 

Can you even spell Machiavelli?

 

In the time I would have liked to educate myself, I have been dealing with your incredibly thorough and not so inspiring cyber obfuscation. And allegedly, not talented enough for your ‘work’. If work means ‘politically acceptable journalism advocated by security services that serve nations not people.’ But if you are suggesting whether I am aware that politicians change policy, yes.

 

Give us a policy.

 

When I recover from the poison, you get a policy. Dealing with whatever little gem I am going to proffer next as you tell me repeatedly how lacking in talent and morals and strength I am while you beat me down until I cannot get up, I might. By the way, can you please tell a few of your subjects their acting is atrocious. I hate to lose people because you didn’t train them well enough. I thought there always had to be a kernel of truth. I don’t see the kernel.

 

So wonderful dealing with an expert.

Charades.

 

I’m going to do investigative journalism via charades 

It is really good idea

Because let’s face it 

An elephants arse from space 

Can see 

Everything you write 

Even if you in your mind

Camouflaged what you were to ask

 

I wonder 

If they know 

It is sort of sad 

That no-one really cares 

That no-one even raises the issue 

Of 

Surveillance so you cannot do your job 

I mean 

 

Imagine if Silicon Valley 

Could not operate computers 

Ever 

That is sort of what it is like 

Because they will know what you will ask

Before 

You do 

So

What are you going to do about it? 

I mean,  is the ABC really going to say

That the computers 

Are protected? 

 

I mean, what can people do to encrypt 

Their information 

And be notified when a government 

Has violated it? 

 

This is technology

You would engage in

If you were serious about the citizen right to know

 

Although let’s be frank 

There will always be a way 

For someone to pretend that they are 

A voice of democratic rights 

When in fact

They are just monitoring those 

That really believe

 

And that 

Unfortunately 

Really pisses me off 

 

 

You’re still a phoney bastard 

If you’re being paid 

To be phoney. 

It’s not like 

You are exonerated 

From stupidity. 

 

 

 

Albania had an earthquake

Like

Unsurprising. 

I wonder whether it has anything to do

With the base? 

 

 

 

Bloody hell

Having to fight for everyone’s right 

Is a bastard pain 

I am so suited 

To a daytime TV show 

 

I’d get my teeth done

Worry about my veins 

Pick the colour sequins 

Instagram my day 

Have lunch with a powerbroker 

Tell no-one about my tradey on the side 

Hit up a Premiere 

And go gliding near my

Yacht called ‘Velvet Munch’

 

Make time for a 

Evening swim at Whale Beach and sit there 

Listening to night-time sounds 

The Kooka reminding me 

Of humanity’s lot 

No 

 

They’ve fucking ear marked me 

For the Virgin Maryann 

Bunch of 

Clowns. 

 

 

 

Oh give it break 

If you were serious about using 

All the bastard technology of government 

You’d make everyone’s life

Safer 

So full of shit. 

 

 

 

Oh good one Jacqui. 

You’re not going to tell us 

What deal you will do with the government 

Bloody legend

Between you and Pauline 

You gotta wonder. 

 

 

 

What would be the problem 

With giving some bastard some

Health assistance? 

Who are you people? 

__ 

 

The placenta three 

Are running the joint 

It’s like the back of the room in Year Six 

They plot 

While we play

 

They look like a Ron Mueck sculpture 

But those appear 

To be human. 

 

 

 

CHICKS ADVICE: 

 

Grow a penis

Yours looked small 

Even in the 

Petri dish. 

 

 

Did You See

 

 

Did you see the big fuck off maps?

 

I saw.

 

I mean, look at that.

 

I saw.

 

I mean, how can you say that isn’t a threat, hey?

 

What, as opposed to the F35’s you are selling that most definitely did not employ a large section of local workers? 

 

The technology comes from multiple leading

 

Please feel free to document the amount of ‘local’ workers employed and whether there were any ‘foreign interference’ laws violated. I think they call it lobbying in some countries. I mean, not legally of course, because only the Chinese would do that. I mean, clearly. And I know that because Las Vegas and the Air Force and the proximity of test ranges to casinos would in no way suggest that there would be corruption of any sort. I mean you guys are clean. I just think every day ‘MMMMM don’t I love clean eating.’ That’s why I ate a ‘defense’ smoothie in in Las Vegas and churned that motherfucker up until I could very clearly see that, it could be, I am right.

 

Those are baseless accusations

 

Of course.

 

But we’re not building roads everywhere, we’re not

 

No, point taken there son. What is there is a ‘debt trap’ is there? Sure. Reminds me of those released sex tapes before everyone finds out they are gay.

 

Have you even examined the terms?

 

Let me see. Dumb Prime Ministers who run countries and have degrees from Oxford and LSE and hang out at the UN with other Prime Ministers, with more economic advisors than is naturally possible, sign agreements with debt traps. Yeah, that makes sense. That Greek logic of yours is really working overtime. Wait – oh my god! Could there be more to it than that! Could it possibly be, that this is not the end of the story?! NOOOOOOO Scarlett cries, her taffeta skirt swishing in the morning air, as Mame yells

 

People are voting with their feet! Joshua Wong

 

Has woken up in his own wet dream. He was probably a pedophilia intake from ‘85. That boy is way too young.

 

That’s not funny

 

Is it 20 million funny? Dave Chappelle gets 20 million a session for sitting out on an Ohio farm and mining jokes. Now that my friend, is capitalism.

 

They are fighting for human rights. For freedom.

 

You want to dictate the terms but get them to do the heavy lifting? Oh no. I got that bit.

 

The violence of the police

 

What? What ‘America the policeman in Gaza’? You mean those police?

 

This is a crucial time

 

After you let a bomb rip? I mean, in Aceh they just destroyed the homes of the dirt poor. But this time, I mean you even got some people with big houses. Military innovation one day at a time.

 

You are not going to try and tell me that you think

 

How would we know what happened or even why it happened? Transparency nil.

 

Hurricane Dorian, natural disasters are part of the oceans warming

 

Not so natural methinks, but plug away.

 

Science has proven

 

How the hell does anyone get away with saying the oceans are warming not implicating any military or commercial technology when you got nuclear submarines running around populating the universe like some out of control dipshit

 

We have stringent laws that stop us from

 

Do you?

 

Yes we do.

 

You knock off your own people by having lax chemical laws that allow people to die from cancer that could have been entirely preventable. I don’t know. I’d have to find those secret laws.

 

You have no evidence

 

The cancer clusters you dumb half baked moron, are in all the areas where your petroleum and nuclear companies are located. They even have clusters on your rivers right where you have factories that just happen to specialise in chemicals.

 

Being a cheap hack

 

Trojan War over, Aeneas wandering home

 

Have you ever even read it?

 

I have.

 

Bullshit.

 

Not your business.

 

 

IF

If Derry doesn’t want a divided Ireland and America is outraged by the mass shootings, what is the scenario with Libya, Turkey; the INF withdrawal, the missile statements from  Pompeo and Yemen bombings? 

There is no link

Right so, when I discuss these things, how is it different say, from a reporter or a commentator or an analyst at a think tank? Let’s say, people view them as stoking certain current international positions. Will they be viewed as pariahs? 

Well, Trump is getting a caning

Yes. But that hasn’t changed policy, has it? I mean, when I have tried to change policy – or when people enter politics, isn’t that effectively trying to bring about an end to situations or alleviate the plight of people who are voiceless? 

Yes. 

So when I say that the lack of water in certain countries as a result of policy means that it is imperative that people in Africa find ways to make sure that they have access to clean and reliable water sources, how likely is that? 

Well, I am not sure 

Because at the end of the day, rulers have to be making decisions that make lives better not harder for the constituent. 

Yes. 

Right. So when I – out of my sense of service – look at whether or not water sources are clean, is that not a ruler being effective and compassionate about the subjects that rely on my good judgment? 

Yes, I would say yes of course

Good. That is all I wanted to hear you say. So, make clean water in Africa more reliable and make sure the people have it. 

Well the rivers 

I can’t see how you can say yes to plants and factories and other industrial items and not think about whether or not the clean water sources will affect people locally. I mean, their health. 

There are many programs 

Good. Because that is what I want and that is what I wanted to hear. Great work. Keep going. I’d like that an immediate result to be implemented….immediately. Clean water and sources accessible now. And some start up fund lot can make sure that it happens. I don’t want to see people lining up for water in a drought ravaged river. Or toxic water in community situations. 

How is this linked to the international situation that you 

Oh. Well. I just want to know why being outspoken or concerned with health issues is derided. I thought it might be best to keep going while I can. 

You have chosen some pretty powerful people to argue with 

I don’t see them as the enemy.

Well I would say 

How do you propose we deal with surveillance? Modify behaviours? Turn into robots? What is your belief here

That we be careful of what we say when 

How can a satellite determine the difference between theatre, satire and reality? It cannot. Only humans can. Therefore humans know when I am behaving to violate intimidating censorship and when I am performing. Only humans. 

What if they have no sense of humour? 

The satellites or the humans? 

Obviously huu

Then, they are serious about the issues of State. I see no point in it. Not a good PR exercise. 

But they do not have to absorb poor behaviour by the citizen. 

Of course they do. They are the State. The power quotient is uneven therefore the stronger set must endure as they are the larger force. The individual is not plankton to be picked off for amusement. 

Coming from you 

I was on a floor. Fourth time. Poisoned. I have not ever made it public until last month. Don’t tell me about amusements. 

Your fricatives have frankly 

If you work with incredible power on your side, you wear it. Surely they knew the consequences. 

Probably not. 

If they don’t wear it, they are the Mafia. 

There is a middle ground

Precisely. 

Hong Kong Games

 

 

Aha! A protest! Wait. No more protests!

 

Oh it looks like yes

 

A bit of biffo from the police.

 

Not happy Hong Kong. Not happy Hong Kong!

 

Oh a little bit of teargas

 

Did anyone get that on TV? Did we get it for the cameras? Have you got your flak jacket on? Lucky. Bloody hell. Might lose a shirt. Stain the Hugo Boss.

 

Oh very volatile. Oh very volatile this democracy.

 

Wait There’s been another press conference. Yep, the protestors are out of control and Carrie Lam is a cow. That’s the sum of it people. That’s the sum of the parts.

 

Someone has lost an eye. No, forget the bombing in the Middle East this is real stuff folks! Real real time stuff.

 

Now we have the cavalcade of commentators wading in. Let’s see what they have to say.

 

Oh bless. Yep, China is the baddie. Works doesn’t Canberra? Yes works for Canberra. Works for Hong Kong. Works for wait are those US flags? Oh yes looks like we have some US flags in the proceedings. Nice touch there. Just in case we didn’t know who was promoting democracy. Nice DNA, gene pool not to be denied. Works for the US of A.

 

Gosh, this is game is really hard to predict. What with the University charges in Australia, the foreign interference laws, and the island fracas what do you think is going to happen here folks? ASEAN has just moved into place. Decided to do some warship thing with some other blokes. South East Asian Nations. Wild concept.

 

Oh look, a nice young fresh bloke to lead the charge. Well Well well, who would have thought. That’s the way. Who bloody needs university anyway. Rule of law and all that. Wouldn’t be a barrister every five kilometres in HK to sort the whole melee out now would there? No. Such a big place. How would you find them? Difficult. Much be tough. To find so many well appointed lawyers and stuff. Must be hard this constitutional stuff.

 

Wait, my assistant has just handed me the agreement. Yep, looks like the Joint Declaration that was signed between the British and China. I have it here, it says:

 

‘The law that is currently in force in Hong Kong will remain unchanged’

 

Uh oh. That’s not good for the Chinese side now is it folks. Straight up penalty there. Yep, easy two points between the posts. Oh dear. How are they going to get out of that one? Seems to me with the extradition they have just walked straight into a trap wouldn’t you say? Oh too right. No, that one I am afraid on the Hawkeye is not going to go their way.

 

And now we have the counter move from the mainland. Also from the memorandum also signed between the British and the Chinese.

 

Wait. Wait. Here it is – looks like Hong Kongers are under ‘under national law of the PRC… all Hong Kongers are Chinese nationals’

 

Uh oh. That really muddies the pie. That’s a real problem there. And foreign affairs and defence are under control of the PRC’

 

Wonder what happens now. I mean, is this a foreign issue or a defence issue? Imagine there is a fair bit of discussion going on by coaches of both sides.

 

The question is: are there defence assets inside Hong Kong that are important to the mainland? Other than the whole bloody island of course. This is not an insignificant question.

 

We’ve already seen the bloody mess in the players lounges so this is no laughing matter. Hell of a way to play the game don’t you think?

 

Quite like the balaclava and the mask touch. Always works always worked in Indonesia, you get a nice big fat pic on the front of Time Magazine. Bloody beauty. Someone is bound to win a human rights prize for that one. And then they’ll forget what they were fighting about in the first place.

 

Few penalties required though. Not quite finished yet. Boris Johnson is bound to say something completely stupid wait oh he has said something has he? No. Just his half brother setting up a real estate fund thing. Good timing. Nice one Max.

 

Moving right along, the Chinese have responded and said that it was a historical document that has no practical relevance. What do you think of that ey? No practical relevance well this is a game of football that has taken us from Africa to the Middle East to the BRI to Hong Kong I dunno, I reckon there has been a lot of practical relevance to what has been happening around the traps with China on the splurge eh? Oh no, I reckon that is almost sin bin. I mean, a few porkies there eh? Jesus. That’s a call and a half.

 

Oh the G7 has said something but let’s be frank. We haven’t got time for a photo op. No, photo ops not here. People are out on the streets! Get with the program! God I haven’t had this much fun since the Carnation revolution, wait the Saffron revolution wait the do we have a briar bush revolution? No. No roly poly revolutions here that must be still waiting in the Australian bush. Waiting for the rain.

 

They’ve been marching in the rain in Hong Kong! Marching in the rain! When was the last time we got out and marched? Well. Probably weren’t going to get extradited to the mainland. To be fair. Just marching straight to the meat pie stand. The hot dog with the lot. I’ll have two beers and make them not light.

 

Yes, thankyou to our fine friends in DSD they just keep our conversations and scramble them until someone on the other side actually thinks it is policy. Brilliant strategy. Real Australian outback stuff. The backline doing incredible work and just throwing it to the wings when the ASX looks a little weak. This is called the Sweet Spot. Stuff of legends.

 

I mean, who wants to meet someone in a lane way in Beijing on a dark night? Not sure. Not sure my Mandarin is up to scratch. Might leave that to the experts.

 

What do you think do you think democracy has had a hard run on it? I don’t know. Bloody lot of ships in the waters. Lot of activity on the democratic front, might be a few laughs around here, two Gulf Wars, Libya, a War on Terror, Syria, Yemen and now this. I mean on a scale of one to ten, how hard up do you think the democratic forces are here folks?

 

Yep. Think they’re having a bit of tug. Never mind, all fun and games and well, it isn’t coming out of our budget. Lucky. I mean, other than a few boats that we designed anyway. ‘Cause we are Nancy boy crawlers that get all our ideas from the missus but forget that there is a TM printed on the big fat gazoo. Yeah, that’s how it is played out here. These are Games For The Ages.

 

The big question is: how many of the other coaches and players are in on it, right? I mean you got Malaysia, a real little stellar number there at limiting Chinese influence, you got Cambodia everyone mad as hell about the free passes the Chinese are getting inside although let’s not forget Australia’s role in the 90’s, I think there might be a little more to that than meets the eye, what with Australia on the ground in Asia eh?

 

Not sure whether some contraband uranium got through the lines and into the hands of some of the opposing side. Now that would cause a real historical stink wouldn’t it? I mean, if anyone was looking at history and let’s be frank. This game is too important for history. It is for passion! Ideology! Straight up stupidity! I mean, what is a game of geopolitical football without the sort of hair raising stupidity that lends it so much credibility among the non-initiated eh?

 

I mean you have got all these planes and I mean, who doesn’t like planes? I mean, just hand a few over to Taiwan because that is sure to ease tensions don’t you think? I mean that is just certifiable gold there. Forget the blue water navy! Forget the chain of pearls! Just keep handing over the planes.

 

But moving along, you got Vietnam – well enough said there, the wind blows very democratic in that corner at the moment, and you got the actor Rodrigo ‘I’m for China but not really but I am from the South and the whole family can run this joint cause this is the Phillipines and we can do what we want’ but I think with the Catholic influence there, the Mariana Trench I think it is a little more clear cut but if it was me, I mean I am just saying, you are well inside some contested territory and you can never know which way this game goes so, you want to make sure the lighter 5/8th’s, the forwards aren’t punished for some reckless moves but not popular, no not popular in this part of town but at the end of the day, I dunno, I’d be a bit cautious when you got God Fearing Loving Filipinos doing the grunt work eh?

 

Well yes, whole bloody region and that’s why this is so important. I mean, you might think it is just some stupid drop out university kids causing trouble so they can get a Masters at a US university but the real question would be what people think in Laos, Indonesia, you know, the heartlands of this debate. They are the real fans. The real believers. And this is where these two sides have got to start playing with a bit of ticker.

 

No ‘oh yeah, here is a little money for the Saturday shopping, go buy yourself a fast train’ no no that’s not going to work. They’re going to have to go deep inside and actually care about the fans! That’s right! The players are actually going to have to care about the outcome and work for the ticket price!

 

Not a little ‘oh just give me my money thanks, I am a good old Roman soldier and where is the Macca’s in my barracks’ No not going to work! I think these teams have their work cut out for them because it may be that with the demise of the dummy pass as a real ploy, I mean everyone can see it coming, they are going to have to take it to the people. I mean, I don’t think the old style of play is going to work. Colour by numbers is out mate! They both have some serious thinking to do.

 

Well no I don’t think anything it is not for me to comment at this stage.

 

How would you call it? Get in a lawyer son. Bound to be one in Hong Kong. Not sure I’d be lighting match with so much at stake. Can’t say I fancy a match up between some tanks and a few skinny uni boys that are still fed by their mother.

 

The problem is if the tanks go in: China’s lost the game. If the protestors don’t negotiate, they could lose momentum. It will be up to the backs to defend the ground they’ve gained in the last quarter. Clearly, Hong Kong has decided it wants independence so it is all touch and go here. You’re going to see some big moves in the next little while and let’s remember: China is not a team of small Anaheim Ducks.

 

Could be wrong. Could be wrong. Been wrong before.

 

And the great thing is, we have Donny to help us remember: the markets go up, the markets go down. But someone always makes money.

 

No, the arrests are a downright problem, what we have here are real diplomatic incidents and with the trading might of China, the Huw-are-we dilemma I think we can clearly say that everyone is in two minds about the clout of the new kid on the block. Canada is not happy. Australia is not happy but happy to take the money. Well, who doesn’t love money?

 

And they love to play the boys don’t they? All the boys just beside themselves with Five Eyes. No a brown eye. No, Five Eyes I have heard it from here, but there was a brown eye but we’re leaving it right there. I’m getting an EDIT signal from the control tower on that one. Five Eyes it is.

 

The Brits have gone in on the Middle East warship thing although giving you a bit of inside information here, energy is shipped through via other means so not sure about that as real play-on-play, significant of course with Iran but at the end of the day, every move has to mean something.

 

That Modi medal care of the UAE really set the cat amongst the pigeons but was probably a bit of a ‘suck you Qatar’ a bit of friendly inter-Mussie Shia-Sunni down low mud wrestle. Not sure that is top quality play, just a bit of heckling from the side now that Qatar has the World Cup.

 

You got Kashmir, you got Syria, you got Putin and Erdogan doing a little red lap dance, I mean, this game is still up in the air in some areas. We’ve not even covered Russia up North.

 

We’ll have to get to the Ukraine next show.

 

Anyway, there you have it, there’s a stop in play in Hong Kong while everyone works out the next step. And be warned.

 

The ANC will be blamed for everything. They don’t understand how to run a country.

 

Oh wait, someone else did the run the country and just left half of the population out. And then it was handed over.

 

What are they protesting about in Hong Kong?

 

 

Feckin’ Hell

 

Yeah no feck no

Oh feckin hell

For fecks sake

 

Look here I am

 

Ain’t it a right royal blast

Headlines of the day

 

‘Hugh White says we must have more nuclear weapons’

 

Oh thanks very feckin’ much Hugh

That’s a feckin’ great contribution

Must put that one away in the scrap book

Who feckin’ knew

 

Boats, South China Sea and now

He wants us to feckin’ leach

The groundwater with some

Rubbish

 

That we export anyway

Sell it on

To some bastard in the Sth China Sea

May or may not be an ally

 

Feckin’ hell Hugh

What a feckin’ book

Who the feck knew

Imagine you’re like all smart and stuff

 

Know a few languages

Like I don’t know

Sanskrit

Or

Sand castles

 

Seventeen years at university

And then you gotta read that rubbish

 

O thanks very much

Might just be like Americah

And keep burying shit into the ground

From a plane you might as well

Just write the feckin’ Armageddon now anyway

 

Oh look another silo!

Can’t agree on where to bury it

 

But good on Jolly Roger!

Let’s keep this thing going because it is good feckin’

idea!

 

Oh A one champs!

 

You are really workin’ those little

Nano brain cells out!

 

Not hard is it!

 

Not like it’s a mathematical theorem

 

‘Toxic waste left over earth divided by

Two the square of dopey’

 

Feck me fellas!

Oh look! War games in the North!

Oh who feckin’ knew

Ten years of that rubbish

Think we’re stupid do yah

I swear to feckin’ god

 

I would like to know

Who doesn’t work for the government

Around here

I mean, is there anyone left

Who is remotely normal?

Not feckin’ likely is it?

Oh feck no

 

‘Oh she’s a real danger that one.

Full of mouth and wit

Let’s just truss her up in

Our new little fascist domain’

 

Can’t find a feckin’ enemy

And it’s not like you could

Find your way out of the hallways

Of the feckin’ cyber security HQ anyways

Now could yah?

 

Grand

Seventeen years at university

And I want to find on a computer

Someone doing something bad

By typing

On a computer

 

It’s not like black leather

And a blow job is it

 

Male models

And a swimmin’ pool!

 

No, it feckin’ ain’t

No big feck off parties

Tell a joke

And they’ll have you up

On charges they will

 

‘You did not read the memo

On fashion in the circle

Of knowledge

We are quite

Sensible

And wear shoes you only

Ever see on

Repressed

Lousy lays

That think government

Exciting’

 

Have you seen those shoes?

 

I have.

 

I’m like

 

I don’t think we’re in the same club people

No

I do not think we are in the same feckin’ club

 

Swear to feckin’ god

They’re the ones you put on

Someone who has died

And has no shoes

They keep them

In a cupboard

Just for that

 

Feck me

Feckin’ debacle

 

‘Aha! The shoes for the dead people with no shoes.

We found these in Canberra in 1997

It was a peace rally for the

Under Represented Minorities of

I’ll Have That Land Thanks

And a little bit of money

For my effort.’

 

Australia needs to arm against China

 

Feck Hugh!

No-one wants to hear your 2002 views around here!

I did that already and the world has moved on son!

 

Moved on!

 

Maybe I’ll grow a beard

Sell my personality

And then get interviewed

By bastards clever enough to know

This is shite mate

 

Feckin’ shite if ever there was some

 

For fucks sake

 

Grow a brain

Yer talkin’ out your arse mate

National embarrassment

 

I mean

Mara bloody linga

Even I

Can spell that.

Flapping Fish Norway

Flapping Flying Fish Norway. The Song.

 

I’m from Norway

 

Flapping fish behind them

 

I’m from Norway

And what we got there

But fish

Oh yeah

 

Fish

Yeah

 

And some big feckin’

Planes

Oh big feckin’ planes

 

Because you know the Russkies

Are Russkying

Up there

 

Quick boys!

Put your bad boy Hot Tub Time Machine cable

Jumpers on

We’re going the Russkies

There is only one passage

And it is our passage!

 

They’ve had a few

Submarine

Blues

 

Remember son

When it is all said and done

 

Broadcast the North Korean

Blasts

Wall to wall

 

But ours are top secret

 

Yeah

 

We’re a lovely bunch of democracies

Some as big as your head

We can’t tell you

About our little blasts

It is top secret

In a democracy

 

They might be more

Than the threat of yore

The nephew crew cut

With a belly of

Pig

 

But we can’t say that

Because we’re curating

Our living space

 

Oh we can’t say that

Because we need to pick up another

Award

For the Fourth Estate

 

And talk about

Our glorious

investigation

That never made the news

 

I mean

It is I just buried in the Bumwaffle Institute of Investigative Cyborgs

Bumwaffle Cyborgs

Bumwaffle Cyborgs

 

You’re not very helpful

No you’re not very helpful

What a good idea to get up every morning for that

 

Bumwaffle Cyborgs

Oh Bumwaffle cyborgs

 

I think we should level you

On the bathroom floor

 

Yeah

We’re so big and tough

Got big muscles

And a really small

…Core

 

Yeah our gang is just totally top secret

And everything we do is just

Really superb

 

And just like the A List

Has a certain cache

Unless you’re

Apache

 

Do you want to be a

Secret Squirrel

You’ll be amazed at how

Tough you become

 

Yeah!

 

We’re just so smart

We’re Bumwaffle Cyborgs

The very elite of the elite

There is only millions of us

Around the globe

 

But each of us is special

In a very special way

There is only millions of us

All around the globe

 

Hiding our very secret

Squirrel stuuuuuuufffffff

Not so very well it would seem

 

But thankfully we have

 

Bumwaffle cyborgs

Bumwaffle Cyborgs

 

Yes

 

Bumwaffle cyyyyybbbboooorrrrgggggs

Will lead the way

And we’re alll

Yoooouuuuuuuurrrrrrsssssss

 

Protagonist: Um, can I have something else please?

 

 

 

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