Tag: knock it off (Page 1 of 6)

The Cammo Olympics

Welcome to the news.

While cammo does GI Joe in your part of the world, with boats and dinghys and weapons systems no person in their right mind would understand, spare a thought for the rest of the world locked down.

We wish we were there.

Beats sitting on your arse, says Trevor.

Oh yeah! Cool! A rocket!

Fuckin’ awesome!

Wish I could be drenched in sea spray and hauling a dinghy onto a beach.

Want some sound? 

Toy and MG onit.

‘Ah beautiful position there. Yep, nice landing of the cammo. Cool biceps. Oh look! Wrap around sunnies too! Do you think they are in medal position?  I mean, what would push them into GOLD? Canadians are there. The Yanks too. Anyone for a ship shot? Nah, ship shot only gives you bronze. What we need here is

OH LOOK! A Chinese spy ship! Shit mate! That has put the cat amongst the pigeons. Looks like a backyard golf green but never mind.

Oh the NYT has come in hard. 

Missile silos! Chinese ones! Sheeet. I mean, the Ruskies and the Yanks have got 4000 each but flock yeah, bloody Chinks. Never mind. Logic has gone AWOL. 

Where is Miss Piggy?

Pining for Kermie. 

‘Kermie Kermie, get me off this Lilypad and into some action!’

Nah. She gotta work it out Hans Solo like Princess Layla.

That’d be worth a degree or two.

BIg boats. Shit mate. OMG. 

Talisman Sabre. The Talisman you have when you want to do Luke. But he might be your brother.

Oh did I mention ASSK is in prison?

Yeah, the military don’t like her.

But ours is cool as FLOCK. FLOCK YEAH. 

Now we have some more beautiful images floating through the paradise via Twitter.

This isn’t a B21 which is what everyone covets silently, not daring to touch the wings that cost more than a trip to the shops. 

Wouldn’t I. Wouldn’t I. If I could fit it into the EDO Canbra care package, oh I bloody would. 

Look at those tanks mate. Big rubber rolling wheels. On sand! I mean, this is almost beach volleyball gold!! Six nations. Wet. Together. In formation.

How much do you think those racing binoculars cost sitting on top of their head? Stuck with Perkins Paste or something more? Hard to say. Hard to say. Bloody expensive guns I reckon. What’s he pointing it at? A Magpipe? Yeah, a magpipe. Oh put it down mate! She’s harmless.

What’s he gunna bust that door open with? His foot? Can’t he see inside with the infrared? Oh geez. How does the Opposition deal with that? This could be a bronze I reckon. He’ll have to go better than that to get the Gold. 

Oh I’ve been handed a note. Military to help control COVID in Sydney. Oh yeah, fellas, we’re at the Brisbane Olympics. This isn’t a WARATAH match. AUZMAT BRAVO has gone into Fiji. God we love the Pacific. It is true love. That’s what it is all about here. LOVE. LOVE. LOVE. And shit loads of cammo. 

Now we have a 

A B-52 Stratofortress aircraft flying alongside 

@AusAirForce‘s EA-18G Growler, F/A-18F Super Hornet and F-35A Lightning aircraft. 

Look at those big planes. Where is Clarky? Is he alongside? Maybe doesn’t like the ethanol. Vapor fumes a bit much.

It’s a big plane though isn’t it?

Real big. 

Can anyone buzz Clarky? Got a bit on at the moment. He’ll have to pull out the big ones to beat this. He’d have to shave a few seconds off the world record. 

Canberra has only offered a spit spat between the Japanese and Chinese diplos. Bloody Canberra. They’d have to be disappointed with that effort. No-one is surprised. Pencil pushers getting involved in the games. Seriously mate. This is Russell doing what it does best. Sweat. Machines. And Friendship. 

Was that another ship mention there MG?

Oh shit yeah. We’re full of ships. Big ones. 

Another GOLD twitter feed of them in formation. Sort of like sychronised swimming without the bathing caps.

Just the little frilly additions of gunners. 

What does a gunner do?

Details are not important, TOY. Just images. The medium is the message.

Note in here, MG.

According to Rear Adm. Chris Engdahl, who commands the U.S. Navy’s Expeditionary Strike Group 7, the ability of the F-35B to integrate with the Royal Australian Air Force F-35A and other assets, such as Boeing E-7A Wedgetail airborne early warning and control aircraft, during high-end air combat training “has just been spectacular.”

Well that is good to know. 

What do you think is in the explosives they are loading? 

Not sure. But I reckon you’d have to get that right or you’d be out of medal contention. Not sure what the North Koreans, the Chinese, the Syrians or the Palestinians think about that. 

Well I think if you loaded up all the bases, all the weapons, all the satellites, all the secret silos and then a little over the horizon action well, 

Do you think we really know?

Not sure. I think every team would keep a pretty tight lid on preparations. As long as you have the bold type over the images with a little TOP GUN music, I reckon the public would go for it.

If you just made out dissenters were out and out crackpots

Oh that would be the way to go. Never been done before. Truly original.

Are they getting a bit of dynamic lift with those helicopters?

Oh for sure. Just what you want in a helicopter. Dynamic lift. 

And a ski jump deck.

And a ski jump deck.

You reckon there are a few nukes around the place on board?

Oh my word. Can’t say of course. Top secret.

Top secret. Of course. Nothing important.

Nah. Top secret. You wanna go live in Equador? Fuck no! Grow a beard and have no jiggy wid it? NO WAY! Bloody QLD beaches. Cammo. International relations. 

Well here we are at the Queensland Talisman Sabre Games and what a sight for sore eyes. Countries united in sheer power and cammo. Tired from the sheer thrill of it all. And hasn’t it been an exercise in precision, formation and leadership. Didn’t see any breastroke, but maybe next year.

 

(on computer, swimming goggles, talking to Yak Yak)

Yeah I got ‘em on. Sort of like infra red. Can you see anything? 

What about a goat? 

Can I laser my veins at the same time?

What if I press this button?

Has this got a Flucrum 3D Sonic Detection and Ranging System?

Why not? I can’t see the pipelines. I need real time flows. 

Oh yeah I heard that.

Oh but what about Bhutan 

Oh yeah? 

You’re kiddin’?

And what about the lines in Ladakh?

Nah dunno. Haven’t got there yet. 

OMG who is going to pony up the money for Imran?

I know he is available

sound of phone

Shit quick! It is AC! Everyone, assume positions!

(Ewok, Yogi and Yowie, huddled around computer, hide under bed) 

Hello my liddle darlin’!

Who? 

What?

Oh no, I was just daydreamin’ about you!

Oh that must be soooo exhausting.

Oh really. Who polished your boots this morning? You know no-one can do it quite like me! 

Did they use the lanolin or pigs fat?

If I was closer darlin’, I would. But that tropical heat, well, I could only do it if it was illegit. Gladys has us bunkered down so we can finish our tax. 

Yeah, a real fox that one. 

I have no idea what you are talking about.

Um well… I am. I am. I just…um, you know me. Just sittin’ quietly no doin’ anythin’. Dreamin’ of you.

Do you need help inflating the dinghy? I have the pump in the garage, I’ll get it out in a sec.

Lucky those boys are so strong. How do they do it. Must be all those push ups.

Have you grounded me because I was only going to say a few nice words to the Yankee boys. 

That’s an imputation I can’t agree with I am afraid. You can leave that to your morning briefing.

Arrowroot? Jesus. Exactly. Precisely. 

Smell something? No. Nothing going on here. 

(rolls her eyes toward the bed, EWOK and co smoking joint)

Have the Americans given’ you new technology have they? Can they smell things via the telephone?

I better take my smart watch off. They’ll know when I’ve smuggled a Tim Tam into Yak Yak.

computer starts beeping

What? No. It’s not Yak Yak.

(bangs computer hard, to try and turn it off)

No. No. He is not trying to help me cheat. 

Yak Yak comes off and on briefly

I have no idea. 

Yak Yak talks, screen blinks, hits it again

Um well, I have worked that out. I am just deliberatin’. 

You always say good things take time.

Well if you ask me, um well, our side played extremely well under difficult conditions, we did the best we could after some changes to our training and our forwards were exceptional in attack and at the end of the day, it is the players on the field you remember… nothing was left to chance, and shit yeah, they’ll get player of the match.  Might need a mouth guard though if you’re giving lip. laughs I’ve always said that about beauticians when you’re getting waxed. Keep your mouth shut.

Gina? Her hoochie? God no, Ewok would never smuggle it in contraband for us all to enjoy. We’re too disciplined. Engaged. waves smoke, glares at co under bed. they smile.

Oh the closest he got to being a rockstar was a gastric band. So he is in no position to judge.

The clocks in his house run on daylight savings just to avoid him. Can you imagine being on the same time zone? It would be like the shadow of doom. 

‘Agnes, Agnes, what about the human rights.’ He makes the grim reaper look like Bert Newton. 

PJ is helpin’ me. We’re gettin’ ready for Canbra. 

sighs 

Oh darlin’, it rhymes with Homer. Never forget that. I’m gettin’ it with diamantes on the jacket so they know who owns it.

Over and out snugglepot. 

Morning Sunshine,

Darling, I was wondering if you could open that little sweet mouth of yours to talk about anything that might matter. Like say, Myanmar. 

Oh darling heart, I think I did and then you stuffed it up. Helm requires consistency. Isn’t that what you are about? All those yak balls putting energy up into that dynamic little mozak.

We were sort of counting on on you. 

Why? I am busy reading about your incredible largesse. My, that must some golden bagpipe we’re carting around.  Or is that a fleece. All these legends have me wondering how you will feed the people. 

We are in the middle of 

Oh darling, how did I ever guess? It must be terrible to be amongst all that importance and power. I know, why don’t you offer a few breadcrumbs to the ladies. I was thinking I’d like to bag 2 percent of the largesse. As in, bag and pipe. Mine. 

No. 

It is only fair darling! All those weapons and all that integration. BTW I’m to helm and support while I denounce the military junta that has a woman who was under house arrest but I on the other hand 

Get over it. 

Oh I was just being logical. Coherent. Dots and stuff. Foster the people.  

The nature of strength 

Oh lord! Don’t tell me. I’m about to get a lesson on warfare and resilience. Please don’t. I was so enjoying the day. 

Not everyone 

Oh for fuckssake. How’s the VEEP going? Are there new policy gems or am I to believe that this is it? 

Honeybee, if you advocate certain things

Anyway. What are you doing? Is any of this going to trickle down or is Truman here going to watch you piss this up the 

Funnily enough, we plan. 

Goodness me. Any original thoughts as in Original Thoughts or you going to rip off US seeding? The chicks and I were thinking of having this amazing original idea in the bathroom and boom! Become billionaires overnight. You’d love it. Like as in, an AFR piece. 

‘We’re just clean cut little girls with amazing ideas that wow, then get funded and wow, we just become billionaires’. Maybe they should go into nursing. I was thinking I house in Point Piper. Whaddya think? 

Kat, you are so pleasant. Especially in the morning. 

Honeybee, that’s because I wake up thinking ‘Gosh, should I watch the planes or fly the planes.’

Darling, that would involve application. As in intelligent application. 

Oh my little Empirical Golden Boy could you use that intelligent application to discuss Lyme’s or should I amuse myself with immune protocol? Knowing how much you like protocol. 

And you’d know that because you spend so much time with the human race. Just poring over their experience like a little caring nurturing 

Oh darling you know me so well. You really have tried but the thing is I am still wondering you know, ah, why is it that when important people speak it is important and when unimportant people

But darling! You are so special and very important. It is just that if you weigh in on important issues it is probably to front up and talk the talk baby heart 

Oh FuzzyWuzzy, quick question how is that possible if you are fighting the very same surveillance that you call out other large countries for and assume that it is a level playing field? Sweetie pie.

Well my considered angel, if you are going to say you’ll fight for the little people honeybee, you have to fight for them. Like as in, imagine you are in a large country and alone. 

Oh precious heart, the problem being that I am in control so how do I do control and work out how the flying fuck you managed

Ah Ah temper temper

To roll back democratic reforms? Do you not think that when I say them. I mean, like as in ‘this is what I said and you said I could have everything, like women in power and stuff’ Wild concept, baby. Wild. 

Oh possum, bless your little socks. But knowing as you do that the international template is in a constant state of flux and currently if you had paid attention 

Oh and being your current Everywoman, should I read the bastard tea leaves or listen in to some important conversations to find out

Darling, we’ve so enjoyed the blonde act but it is getting a little thin and how about you instead focus on where the pins are lying on the maps 

Oh that would be so informative. Should I bring my textas? Some stick it notes? 

How about a personality? Depending on which one you decide on while dressing 

Ha. Imagine having one. Don’t. It will hurt that pretty head. I’ve got one better. How about I sit in on the meetings, trundle some khaki with information and then make the decision? Facts do help with accurate planning. 

Ah isn’t that amazing. Actually in a democracy, we have all the facts at your fingertips. You can actually read. And then, work it out. 

Oh, that sounds so…….empowered. But I mean, in real life! Like, bless, here are the dots. Here. Make the decision. 

Darling, we have Marise for that and well, I’m not sure the attention span runs that far. A meeting could last, gosh, longer than a trip to the shops. 

Oh possum. I really do understand how people are drawn to your unreconstructed brilliance. It is so vaguely reassuring, however in the world of neon leather and skin tight strategy, I can’t say it will stay turned on. And you know how I need to do it for the kids.

Yes, a real rated G number. That’s my protected plucked from obscurity given the world little princess 

Oh it really has been hard for some in this country hasn’t it. Just oppressed men riding the streets. Bagging the gold and throwing around new energy policy like some altar boy on the lam 

You know. Big girls try. 

Oh I feel so…. morally fortified. I feel that indeed, I might be able to run the joint. 

Never too late to start. 12 years, why stop now? 

I really am so glad I came home. The skills I’ve picked up during this whole process. ‘Intuit complex geographical arrangements and apply’ I was thinking more, own a mine. Run a company. Talk to Gina. Swan about on world stage. 

And would you glide darling heart or dive into a puddle just to make sure your feathers had something to feed off 

The latter. Sort of like a gas plant or a platform out to sea. A wind turbine. Or an energy hub. We are Progress 101. 

sighs

Policy Princess, stick to amusing. It requires very little substance. 

Snuggle muffin, then sticking to you would be all I need to do. Daaaaarling heaaaart. By the way, have you thought about modelling for Braveheart? The Streets Lion has a paddle pop opening.

I’d drip over you but you wouldn’t get it. 

Don’t excite me. 

walks out 

MIKEEEEEYYYYY

You can’t seriously want to Olive Cotton me 

Now we didn’t say that 

I have faith in Mikey’s ability to protect us from anything malign. He is a great Australian! He is able to see the broad brushwork, the sweep, the canvas of life that requires only the very best from our typists 

Ease up

Little squirrels bunkering down to out squirrel the other little squirrels 

I said, ease up 

The pattern, the intricacies of the embroidered policy woven through a Canberra suburb like galahs nestling down to peck on the green slanted foliage of the orange blossom squaaak squaaak sqwuaak

Skippy

Darwin! Ballarat! Bendigo! Squaaak Squaak Squaakkk. Oh but darling, it is all about timing! I mean, let’s cancel a Belt and Road initiative when the coin has already hit the pocket, dangling like a little friend inside the investment trust, anyone care for a REIT?  

Helm. Helm. 

Care for a REIT? I mean this is great stuff! Where did he get it from? Where do these little nuggets rush forth? Sitting in a restaurant, little wattle icecream with a Viongier? 

You don’t have wattle icecream with 

reaching forward touching his hair

This is the stuff of legends! Coal, hydrogen and complete protection from all malign electronic activity care of the information age care of the Tofflers care of the cables care of the satellites care of the incredibly sophisticated over the horizon, over the Katharine, over the patrol boat, over the Cocos, over the 

We got it 

Now this my darling, is our Australia. You see, Mikey just makes me feel warm and cozy at night. A little crocheted patchwork of informational cyber garrisons. All fortifying the nation with upright cause and beautiful behaviour. 

You know I think you’d be wonderful at Defence PR

I won’t need a Max, I won’t need a beach

silent

Cotton me.

silent 

Julian! Julian! Help me! Quick! 

Days Like This

 

phone

Mate, I just need four bullet points.

 

No, forget denial.  I was thinkin’ somethin’ a little zippier. 

 

Wait, I got a call comin’ in

 

Oh hello Bungendore 

 

What? 

 

Seriously, two minutes and 

 

Open the box mate 

 

Look at the switches

 

Yeah nah the one down

 

No to the right 

 

Jesus

 

You got it? 

 

Where is the one for the windmill? Go down. That one. 

 

Yeah but can you believe he did without me.

 

Oh grow up Bungendore! 

 

Everybody has to pull their weight and do some typin! 

 

No 

 

No

 

Nah he’s not goin’ there anymore 

 

Um well the thing with the Japs? 

 

Yeah dunno, haven’t seen the fine print

 

Are the Germans comin’ with sausage?  

 

Dunno.  Dunno. 

 

Oh mate, Raby is goin’ it again 

 

Dunno. Dunno. But Bhutan is a beauty.

 

Nah. But geez I did 50k’s on the bike and 

 

What? Seat of power love. 

 

Yeah nah The Ring. All goin’ on. 

 

Yeah hard but someone has to do it. They don’t realise how hard it is to wait around for me latte. All skill there mate. 

 

Yeah, surfin’ louche meets dairy farmer. The way forward. Clearly.

 

REM policy. Bloody genius. Outdoin’ herself once again. 

 

Oh but seriously! We got roads to build. Hard hats. Fluro vests. Did you go fishin’?

 

Nah. Nah. Reno’s takin’ forever. 5th investment home is the trick. 

 

Tell the boss looking good. 

 

Oh listen might be a week late but other than that pretty much on schedule. 

 

Oh mate, someone has to do it. 

 

Listen, any minute now we’ll have a roof. 

 

laughs

 

Any minute now. 

 

Yeah. 

 

Yeah. 

 

Love to Bungendore. 

 

Bye. 

AND NOW FOR SOMETHING COMPLETELY NEW

Chinese media threatens ‘evil’ Australia’s warships in South China Sea

77c9959d881628b332d4171c8cde03187f290f40.png

 

Tropical Blobescsent

One of the Communist Party’s chief mouthpieces has branded Australia “evil” and warned warships carrying out patrols in the South China Sea are at risk of being attacked.

BOOBIES

An editorial published by the jingoistic Global Times tabloid newspaper said Prime Minister Scott Morrison had “lost his diplomatic manner” after China’s Foreign Ministry had published a fake image slurring Australian soldiers over alleged war crimes in Afghanistan.

TOTAL BS

But Five Eyes ally New Zealand rallied to Australia’s support, while the Afghan government urged calm.

WE ARE TOTALLY BRO’ED UP

The newspaper’s editorial said Mr Morrison’s demand for an apology had been “ruthlessly rejected” by the ministry and “ridiculed” by the Chinese people.

“Australia now has such a rude and arrogant government and a group of political and opinion elites who don’t have a clear estimation of themselves,” the editorial said.

WORD 

China plunged the toxic relationship further into disrepair after one of its chief spokesmen, Lijian Zhao, tweeted a fake image of an Australian soldier slitting the throat of an Afghan boy, a reference to an allegation in the Brereton report into alleged atrocities committed by special forces.

SCARY DUDE. KNIVES. WHERE IS THE FKN LASER WE PAID FOR. 

Mr Morrison branded the picture “repugnant” and demanded the tweet be deleted, with protests made through both the Chinese embassy in Canberra and Australian embassy in Beijing.

OMG YELLOW SAVAGES.

However, he suggested that with the tweet sending relations to rock bottom, it was actually an opportunity to reset bilateral ties.

SURPRISE SURPRISE. FIVE EYES WANDERS IN AFTER DOING EVERYONE.

 

5d6a62b4c6bbd18beeef06fc7c5655c9889448b0.jpg

 

But the Global Times said Australia had implemented a “wolf-style policy” towards China and was the “most savage accomplice of US suppression”.

WAIT. BOTH SIDES ARE WOLVES? WHO IS THE WARRIOR?

“Australia’s evil acts toward China have made Chinese society not only surprised, but also disgusted,” the editorial said.

“As a warhound of the US, Australia should restrain its arrogance. Particularly, its warships must not come to China’s coastal areas to flex muscles, or else it will swallow the bitter pills.”

JESUS. A LEAST A FKN MONGREL KELPIE. WARHOUND IS LOW. 

New Zealand Prime Minister Jacinda Ardern said her country had protested directly to China over the post.

“It was an un-factual post and, of course, that would concern us. So, that is something that we have raised directly in the manner that New Zealand does when we have such concerns,” she said.

BECAUSE SO MANY OFFICIAL POSTS ARE FACTUAL. THANKS JA.

Afghanistan’s Foreign Ministry issued a statement saying it was aware of the doctored image.

UM, WHY WERE WE IN AFGHANISTAN? CAN YOU PLEASE DOCTOR MY IMAGE? PLEASE? 

“The Ministry of Foreign Affairs and the Australian Government are jointly working to investigate the misconduct of the Australian soldiers in Afghanistan,” the statement said.

“The aim of the investigation is to ensure that the perpetrators are identified and brought to justice.

WHO, WHY, WHERE. UM, WHY WERE WE IN AFGHANISTAN?  

“The Islamic Republic of Afghanistan believes that both Australia and China are key players in building and maintaining international and regional consensus on peace and development in Afghanistan. Afghanistan hopes to maintain and strengthen cooperation with the two countries.”

WHAT DON’T YOU LIKE ABOUT OUR DESERT? BLOODY TOPS. YOU GOT A SWIMMING HOLE? WE GOT A SWIMMING HOLE. YOU GOT A 4X4 WITH A DESERT WINDSHIELD, 4 RESERVE TANKS AND A SAT NAV GPS TRYCLOPS BIFURECATED REVERSE ENGINEERED TOUCH SCREEN ALUMINIUM PLATED DUNNY PAPER HOLDER? NAH. YOU DON’T HAVE THAT. 

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