Days Like This


phone

Mate, I just need four bullet points.

 

No, forget denial.  I was thinkin’ somethin’ a little zippier. 

 

Wait, I got a call comin’ in

 

Oh hello Bungendore 

 

What? 

 

Seriously, two minutes and 

 

Open the box mate 

 

Look at the switches

 

Yeah nah the one down

 

No to the right 

 

Jesus

 

You got it? 

 

Where is the one for the windmill? Go down. That one. 

 

Yeah but can you believe he did without me.

 

Oh grow up Bungendore! 

 

Everybody has to pull their weight and do some typin! 

 

No 

 

No

 

Nah he’s not goin’ there anymore 

 

Um well the thing with the Japs? 

 

Yeah dunno, haven’t seen the fine print

 

Are the Germans comin’ with sausage?  

 

Dunno.  Dunno. 

 

Oh mate, Raby is goin’ it again 

 

Dunno. Dunno. But Bhutan is a beauty.

 

Nah. But geez I did 50k’s on the bike and 

 

What? Seat of power love. 

 

Yeah nah The Ring. All goin’ on. 

 

Yeah hard but someone has to do it. They don’t realise how hard it is to wait around for me latte. All skill there mate. 

 

Yeah, surfin’ louche meets dairy farmer. The way forward. Clearly.

 

REM policy. Bloody genius. Outdoin’ herself once again. 

 

Oh but seriously! We got roads to build. Hard hats. Fluro vests. Did you go fishin’?

 

Nah. Nah. Reno’s takin’ forever. 5th investment home is the trick. 

 

Tell the boss looking good. 

 

Oh listen might be a week late but other than that pretty much on schedule. 

 

Oh mate, someone has to do it. 

 

Listen, any minute now we’ll have a roof. 

 

laughs

 

Any minute now. 

 

Yeah. 

 

Yeah. 

 

Love to Bungendore. 

 

Bye. 

AND NOW FOR SOMETHING COMPLETELY NEW

Chinese media threatens ‘evil’ Australia’s warships in South China Sea

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Tropical Blobescsent

One of the Communist Party’s chief mouthpieces has branded Australia “evil” and warned warships carrying out patrols in the South China Sea are at risk of being attacked.

BOOBIES

An editorial published by the jingoistic Global Times tabloid newspaper said Prime Minister Scott Morrison had “lost his diplomatic manner” after China’s Foreign Ministry had published a fake image slurring Australian soldiers over alleged war crimes in Afghanistan.

TOTAL BS

But Five Eyes ally New Zealand rallied to Australia’s support, while the Afghan government urged calm.

WE ARE TOTALLY BRO’ED UP

The newspaper’s editorial said Mr Morrison’s demand for an apology had been “ruthlessly rejected” by the ministry and “ridiculed” by the Chinese people.

“Australia now has such a rude and arrogant government and a group of political and opinion elites who don’t have a clear estimation of themselves,” the editorial said.

WORD 

China plunged the toxic relationship further into disrepair after one of its chief spokesmen, Lijian Zhao, tweeted a fake image of an Australian soldier slitting the throat of an Afghan boy, a reference to an allegation in the Brereton report into alleged atrocities committed by special forces.

SCARY DUDE. KNIVES. WHERE IS THE FKN LASER WE PAID FOR. 

Mr Morrison branded the picture “repugnant” and demanded the tweet be deleted, with protests made through both the Chinese embassy in Canberra and Australian embassy in Beijing.

OMG YELLOW SAVAGES.

However, he suggested that with the tweet sending relations to rock bottom, it was actually an opportunity to reset bilateral ties.

SURPRISE SURPRISE. FIVE EYES WANDERS IN AFTER DOING EVERYONE.

 

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But the Global Times said Australia had implemented a “wolf-style policy” towards China and was the “most savage accomplice of US suppression”.

WAIT. BOTH SIDES ARE WOLVES? WHO IS THE WARRIOR?

“Australia’s evil acts toward China have made Chinese society not only surprised, but also disgusted,” the editorial said.

“As a warhound of the US, Australia should restrain its arrogance. Particularly, its warships must not come to China’s coastal areas to flex muscles, or else it will swallow the bitter pills.”

JESUS. A LEAST A FKN MONGREL KELPIE. WARHOUND IS LOW. 

New Zealand Prime Minister Jacinda Ardern said her country had protested directly to China over the post.

“It was an un-factual post and, of course, that would concern us. So, that is something that we have raised directly in the manner that New Zealand does when we have such concerns,” she said.

BECAUSE SO MANY OFFICIAL POSTS ARE FACTUAL. THANKS JA.

Afghanistan’s Foreign Ministry issued a statement saying it was aware of the doctored image.

UM, WHY WERE WE IN AFGHANISTAN? CAN YOU PLEASE DOCTOR MY IMAGE? PLEASE? 

“The Ministry of Foreign Affairs and the Australian Government are jointly working to investigate the misconduct of the Australian soldiers in Afghanistan,” the statement said.

“The aim of the investigation is to ensure that the perpetrators are identified and brought to justice.

WHO, WHY, WHERE. UM, WHY WERE WE IN AFGHANISTAN?  

“The Islamic Republic of Afghanistan believes that both Australia and China are key players in building and maintaining international and regional consensus on peace and development in Afghanistan. Afghanistan hopes to maintain and strengthen cooperation with the two countries.”

WHAT DON’T YOU LIKE ABOUT OUR DESERT? BLOODY TOPS. YOU GOT A SWIMMING HOLE? WE GOT A SWIMMING HOLE. YOU GOT A 4X4 WITH A DESERT WINDSHIELD, 4 RESERVE TANKS AND A SAT NAV GPS TRYCLOPS BIFURECATED REVERSE ENGINEERED TOUCH SCREEN ALUMINIUM PLATED DUNNY PAPER HOLDER? NAH. YOU DON’T HAVE THAT. 

BELLES XMAS.

Hills. Cows. Telephone. Paddock.

 

Hello?

 

OH MY DAHLING! Thank god, I thought I was stuck on this hill alone, but you Sat phone me. Where you at pumpernickel? 

 

Oh now calm down brown cow. 

 

Oh calm down. 

 

Problems? I got to get the Three Wise Snuffy’s into the shed with nobody seein’. 

 

They might have a gluten intolerance. I have to get them onto pulses. 

 

Don’t talk to me about pressure, I haven’t got the costumes for the nativity scene! 

 

Yeah, so they say. 

 

I dunno. I did tell you. You never listen to the Agnes. 

 

Yeah but the Sinai? You no like our desert? What’s wrong with it? 

 

Yeah I saw. 

 

Yeah I saw. 

 

Oh you get your khaki in a tizzle. 

 

Well maybe when you want to the rule the world, there is some downside possum heart. 

 

Didn’t you have your infra-red desert goggles? 

 

I packed them for you. In the side pocket. 

 

Well Daisy was a little rough this morning but I got her teat out of trouble. Again. 

 

Yeah, lucky I did that TAFE course or I’d be in real trouble. 

 

How is the Wandering going? Are we nearly there yet? Because I gotta tell you, I’m bored. There’s no car games. I made them all up and then messed them up and then made them again and then 

 

You need a Tesla. Bugger the Toyota. 

 

Yeah. Yeah. Well, that’s if you get rain. 

 

Really? With the fuzzy wuzzy’s? 

 

OMG! Real ones or NRL ones? 

 

For real? 

 

Shit. So tough being you. Seriously. They should give you a medal. 

 

Yeah it’s in your sock drawer. 

 

Um well I did have a few questions. 

 

Can you bring me home something big brown and carved?

 

Yeah I know darlin’ but then I met you. 

 

Well I wanna throw some tinsel over it for the Xmas decos. 

 

There’s no need to be like that. I was just being ethnographic. 

 

Are you anthromorphizing me? Because if you want to know, I am like a Lion. Roar. 

 

Ah, no, more like a praying mantis. We can’t all be good at everything darling. 

 

Oh c’mon. Don’t be shy! Not everyone can be a Snuffy!

 

Don’t be jealous. You have talents he doesn’t have. Besides, when you have important work like yours, someone has to be the Glitter that Falls Softly Over Your Face As You Wander Home. 

 

Yeah that’s me. The glitter. 

 

Anyway, this must be costing defence a fortune and you know how they like to stay within their means. So thrifty that lot.

 

Oh seriously! 

 

You’re kiddin’. 

 

Well if you need me to lay pipelines, I’ll lay pipe. There’s nothin’ I can’t do darlin’ for you. 

 

I’ll bring my Ventolin just in case. 

 

Got a call comin’ through, might be Hugh, gotta go. 

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