Thanks Esme.

Yeah, so I was called Albert Speer the other day. 

I mean, not out but you know, just casually like, in a conversation, like ‘get to work with the design + architecture and stuff’.

The best bit was the follow up, 

I said, what do you mean? 

I mean, because really I did think I just misunderstood. 

Well he said, ’the alternative not being nice.’

Like what I said? 

‘Like being shot.’

Yeah, that was the fucking icing on the cake. Not just mushroom clouds in your coffee but you know, the allusions that if I don’t get back to work, I could be shot. 

These are the guys that have promoted Yankeeville, under the cover of guise, that are still on the payroll and have spent a lifetime calling out the Nazi’s for running concentration camps – fucking Oscars for that shit – and they are threatening me over a phone line to get back to work or I would be shot. 

Oh you’re a fucking genius. 

Australia you’re standing in it. 

Too fucking right there. 

 

Nah, it gets better than that. 

God’s honour. 

The very same phone call, the very same human, says ‘well you can accuse me of many things, but I am always nice to everyone’

Seriously, this dickhead must think I am living on a planet in Shitsville or something because this guy spends most of his time gossiping about people and taking them down. 

‘Yeah, if that is the case why do you bastards spend most of your time bitching about powers that are not in your orbit?’ 

Like Russia, dopey. 

Or should we publish the Twitter feed? Cause that’s really complex stuff and worthy of our time. 

‘They are idiots. We hate them.’

Oh fuckin’ goodonya. 

Must have pissed someone off because a phone call like that pretty much lets you know about the crowd they are rolling with. 

It sure as shit ain’t my crowd. 

Dickheads. 

I thought the men loving men thing was sort of over in the town. 

Apparently not. 

Can talk about each other in glowing terms all fucking day. 

‘Your brother is so amazing’

Oh, get a room. 

If I don’t get to call a deceased male war hero Albert Speer or Ana I am seriously going to call in the Female Cops. 

 

I am always nice to everyone. 

These boys are having a good tug. 

Rack off. 

You just play dirty while getting money from big powers and then get awards!

Don’t fucking start me today.

 

When I am re-birthed, so help me God I will make money from talking myself up and pissing on the little kids while talking Fair Go Australia.

Who makes these people? 

Moral discussion on AI is clearly AWOL. 

So that’s handy. 

Wait, let me guess. 

You are Morally Clean and Able while destroying someone else. 

Jesus. 

That’s some fucking balls. 

Can’t wait for them to spend hours talking about Freeing Julian Assange.

‘Ah Dickhead, didn’t you ring me and threaten me the other day?’

 

So, I just lay down in the Sun. 

Plopped myself on the balcony and soaked that shit up. 

Fuck ‘em Joe. 

 

Agnes Does KP.

 

 

1.

Sometimes I think the Philip he say, Agnes, your clue go on holiday sometimes and I think, yes, it is true but sometimes it come home to me. 

Long time holiday, for sure but it come and I give it hug and say, thankyou very much my darling for coming back to me like Prodigy, no problem for me. 

And it come to me, that a lawng tyme ago, with the blood from smart but very naughty boy from long ago, that the Victoria she like the boy from me, and he do great things. Mah really. 

But the little Agnes, she know the block, and she think ‘mah what he do to the Great Ecky Thump Land of People Who Traverse the Globe And Do Great Things?’ 

And I think he very naughty boy, maybe he say something to the Yankee Poodles and the people Who Before Not Like the Ekky Thump Because Of Years Ago But They Fix That So but anyway And So the The Yankee Poodle Was Born. 

I say it and it is true. 

Maybe. 

The true sometimes also go on the holiday with me. 

The Yankee Poodle from before He Was With The Ekky Thump That Before Fight The War that the Yankee Won From the Ekky Thump and the U2 they got the help from the Yankee for the PACE that now it stay. 

But Agnes, she think about this and she think. 

Mah these people very funny because why they no like the Empire That Was Before And Then They Have The Empire That Was Before.

Like, almost exactly but with new people. 

And the Thatcher she not for the turning but she turn for the Actor With the Bad Memory. 

This is very funny for Agnes. 

Before, when the fat one Who Drink Alot Win The War But Make British Empire Little Building That the Yankee Hide in When He Lose The War From the Yellow People well 

The Yankee he wait and he wait like the very smart boy and he take, no problem.

And the art, from the Booty, it go to them. For sure, no problem. 

Mah this is no problem but now the Agnes, the clue come back to her and she be the Yankee Poodle. 

Mah but no poodle for her! She have the real one. She have two and it one. 

And she wait. 

Big Empire for her. 

If the clue no go on the holiday.

2.

Jaime Packer interview 

 

Hello Jaime? 

 

Hello. Who is this? 

 

This is Agnes. speaks slowly You understaaaand me? hand cups phone The Jaime. He has dyslexic. But not really. It just pretend that way. Very funny little fat fatha 

 

Hello? 

 

Hello my friend! You mix the red and the green? What is your problem? 

 

What? 

 

What is wrong with this phone? What the American satellites not work over road? They have empire and the little chubby boy 

 

Who is this? 

 

Oh this is Agnes for very important interview. Kerry and I we fix it so everything good. Blackfella eat goanna and goodbye problem. You see? I fix for you. Slate sparkle and everything. Little boy where that fat girl go for? Why you no hava tha gel she no like the OneTel mah you have babies and everything! 

 

I’m sorry. I don’t know

 

The Alex. He no understand the Asha like me! Macau problems for you go walkies! Hello what you need those for? 

 

I think you might 

 

to the side He no understand but really he does he and the Big One they no want the Chink Chonks to write the last line agreement, so he pretend 

 

What? What did you just say? 

 

I just tell them about how you clever and where the money 

 

What money? 

 

Mah Jaime no pretend to me!! What you do up there in the Honkers! aside The Jaime he have the big boys and I don know what you think? I think I no like the Casino but it is for him and the colour little too much for the Agnes she think hello, I think I am out of here, what goes on here my little boy? 

 

Um, I really can’t say

 

Mah, no worry my little chubby boy! No need no Tom Cruise, we do it all. I talk to the Honkers, I talk to the Mainland, I talk to the little pimple one who wear LA clothes who make those plain clothes? These bambinos no like the fashion I think, mah, thank you Allah for Kanye and King James otherwise I think the little skinny white boy with money like to look like dishcloth for us to wipe the floor. What they think? They think Mexican like them more if they wear the paw clothes? Ay dunno. I think it better if I speak to the Oprah and well, Belarus, I dunno. 

 

Are you suggesting that

 

No mah darling! I no want Walker and Peacock on my coochie! They too boring fah me. They Double Bay foo us, we leave it behind in the dust. Bye Bye but I get you gel with the idea and no worries for me. Mah I have the clicker on the clacker and you see with Big Five Eyes you see that this is for the Best Ones! Mah but I see everythin’ we wait the digital I don’ no but for sure you must make the new ones! Because the camera on the people is little boring for meee, they no interestin’ no? We make more fun in the Asha I have the program for us.

 

Ah ok…..

 

Mah if you want the Yankee Poodle just talk to me I no everywun and we do it on Big Ship near the Island. Not the bad Island though. But I forget which one Good Island and Which Bad Island? 

 

Sorry, I 

 

I talk to Yankee Poodle and find out.  They like to talk mah Donnie we work it out on tha Gulf Course. Qatar. PSG for sure is good looking Mussie French boy and Isabella and I, we not fritened. No Carla for us!

 

3.

I take the sword from the Lake Burley Griffen. Geffen. No Griffen, for minute there I think I am in the Land of Lachlan big house with the tunnel. Hello Lachlan! Party for Agnes what you do in the tunnel? No problem for me the Other Brother from the Same Mother why you need to hide we have no problems! I am like the Rupert we do it no matter no hide for us! But mah no, I am in the Canbra where the Sheep in the Wolves clothing win Chook raffle for the people. No problem for us. 

 

Today, I go for the swim (in bikini and flippers and floaties) mah I do this to pull tha sword from tha lake mah my little PJK he say to me, Agnes, you in big trouble you not be with the people you go and get the sword and I say mah PJ, look at this! I do it all for you and  I will be better than you by ten times you think you only One in the world with the good clothes to Be in the Tin Humpy? Mah no mate! Look at this! This is a J Curve! Mah hello I am onto you PJK. No problem for me. The sword, it like zippity zop straight into the little hand of Agnes. I do the chopper and I do the sexy clothes and I do the maps I do it all and no problem for me. 

 

But now, the flippity flop into the what is this? Is this the Lake or what? What in here exactly? I don’t know. Mah maybe they no like someone and I don’t know. What you think? What the fish in the pond here? Bloody barracuda mate. I don know about that koi. It very orange to me look like the Quack Quack face. 

 

Hoppy, what you think about the water here? Yeah, me too. I think maybe I don’t know. 

 

Anyway (has the mask) we be off like Herd of Turtles. 

 

When I come back, I have the sword. 

 

And we do it for the Lebanon. crosses herself. 

 

4.

And I say to myself, mah what is wrong with the criss cross? The criss cross is good for us no? It is very confusing but like the riddle but what you know about the riddle? The smart gels and boys they like the riddle so I do it better than them. 

 

The left and the right not know where it go and I change it so nobody can see where it been or going. 

 

The people, the big ones, they say ‘Agnes, why you do this?’ and ‘why you not go To See the Big Things’ and I say to them ‘Mah what you think, you think I do not know about Plausible Deniability Mate? 

 

They think you are very stupid. They not know we are very clever but On The Inside. 

 

But it is true. I do this very good because it is true. My clue go on holiday very much and The Ability well, it is plausible. But it is true. 

 

The Letterman he say, enough the Agnes! No Roxanne for me baby! No more. And I say, maybe. 

 

What your problem with the big nose and the big body? You know what they say! Agnes, she know this!

 

This is why I think, better I not in the Land of the Chocolate Muslim because Maybe, Too Many Good Looking Noses For Me.

 

And this is a problem. 

 

I no want the boys from the Los Palos to be the jealous because I not think of them. Greater Sunrise and for sure.

 

Mah maybe you never seen them before. But baby, this is problem for you, not for me. 

Hello foreign affair! It affair of heart for sure. 

 

This serve us. 

 

You see? 

 

I do it all. 

 

 

Elizabeth and Aide-de-Camp

 

And what are we to do? To tell the people that they must smite the Chinese hordes while asking them to stay silent and not report 

 

Report with respect for 

 

Not report or acknowledge the hypocrisy of a war that if indeed ever came to pass would be, like all wars, the death penalty for those on the losing side? Our democracy it would seem wants to mirror the other side. And how then, are we to ever garner support for foreign policy? 

 

It was an interview with the presiding government official that clearly laid out 

 

The idea that journalists should not report anything that 

 

You are our leader Madam and as such 

 

No leader wants sycophants running alongside them offering unpalatable uncontested views

 

Your own policy Madam 

 

That interview was ripe for satirical riposte and I assure you many years ago it would not be allowed to run in a country born of the rum rebellion and sharpened on the legends of outlaws 

 

It won’t be 

 

There is no place for complacency now! I want a satirical run on foreign policy and I want some sharp blades 

 

You cannot order creativity like some 

 

I see. The Sistine Chapel painted itself did it?  Or is it a problem with ageing vaginas? What is Australia going to win? The Bland Brass Spoon? 

 

Cyber intelligence 

 

American hegemony was born of cunning and chutzpah. What you are doing is what you did in the 20th Century. You made sure a narrative of suffering was applied to ensure the best talents of the Jewish Diaspora went Westward, straight into the hands of the Americans. An empire was born and England went kaput. Of course later, the Americans cap in hand went to the UK and said ‘please help us with the Communist hordes’ and they obliged. Obviously, the Western advance is greater than historical memory. And now, our little Five Eyes wants the best minds of Asia into our wonderfully democratic hands when in fact, the country is still ruled legally, by virtue of a convenient constitutional aberration, by the Queen. Making arguments about authoritarian countries somewhat obsolete. We won’t mention the Saudi’s or in fact, the governance of most Islamic allies or the fact, that while the Uighar situation is wrong, incarceration rates in the Western world 

 

The State must at some stage 

 

Fashion a narrative. You cannot argue that the security law of Hong Kong is a problem if Kashmir and our own laws are a mirror to those very same laws. 

 

But we must ensure 

 

You can give 290 billion to an industry that has no accountability and on an environmental score, rates close to zero. What are you going to do, argue that tanks and lasers are ‘green’ technology? Made with recycled bottles? Please, entertain me. 

 

If the security environment demands 

 

What security environment? Which one? What you don’t like is that the Yellow People can make money. And I have not seen you stop any of the dams upstream 

 

That is a matter of security politics 

 

That is a matter of the environment as much as politics.  Much like the health of the citizens of this country who deserve to be ruled by people who care if they live or die. Or is that irrelevant to the greater cause? 

 

The dam is an issue for Egypt and 

 

What is that great large dome in Addis Ababa for? It seems to me, these very powerful and intelligent people that run the world are incapable of looking after the very same people they claim to represent. 

 

When we are talking about energy 

 

Yes. I’ve seen. I’ve seen what takes precedence over all else. If this country is to savour it’s earth, it will have to make a very strong case for immediate demands. I’d start making your case for your Foreign Policy. Until then, I’ll suffice with Looking North. And the end of the Trojan War. They tell me history makes a strong case. 

 

With all due respect, you cannot pause progress Madam

 

You are asking me to choose which child should suffer amongst all my children. That is not a choice nor progress. 

 

Harry and Meghan

 

Chose to run an independent race. The division, like many in history, is a chimera. Stay on the side of history. Or I should have no-one interesting to talk to. Keep up.

 

arched eyebrow. saunters off 

HALO DFAT

 

‘Halo, Halo DFAT! Halo my little baby I luffff youuuuuu’ 

 

Asha Asha I luff youuuuuuuu 

 

Hello Hello you work here no? Here in big building where big girls work in important no? Oh my god you Asian? You Chinese? You Singaporean or Mainland Chink Chong? 

 

Naaawwwww???? You look like nice rich rich super rich you no mainland no? 

 

Tsk tsk those shoes no good dahling, naw we like something bling blingity bling yeah can tell you from DFAT chain gang dahlink, what you do there? You type ity type with those little fingers (grabs fingers) oh naaaaaayyycccceeeeee Yeah they nice rool nice you no trash dahling what you do in there? You export me? I live sheep I pretty lovely lamb no mutton no I dooonnnnnn wannnnaaa go on the ship it to hooot, no I can’t, no La Mer for me on hot ship, me australian lamb, top quality live export 

 

Oh I see

 

Oh Middle East 

 

Same same. Middle East like Asia too no? How many languages you speak you speak what? Fendi? I speak Fendi you speak Fendi? Just little look in there, quiet like little lamb, I tippity toe like Punk Panther Punk Panther and I we no Silence of the Lambs we standing tall and DFAT baby no? More money for UUUUSSSSS!!! We Australian Noveau Riche!! How many apartments you got? 

 

How many? 

 

But I need you baby don go, yoou my new Asian friend! We take over world together! You want IP! I got IP baby!!! 

 

Oh here is another one she look very serious very serious DFAT business Franky and Linda and Marise you no fuck wid the ladies people, they flip you on the mat you no hanky panky  

 

Hello Serious Sally who you it? 

 

I said you you it what you do in there I come wid u, (talks on Fendi shoe) hello hello we just coming through yes I will be there in a Jiffy I waiting to be molested by security guard but I only have pretend computa I no want to get in ze liddle trouble in oone of the big houses 

 

Oh hello! (waves) Oh hello! Very nice people these nice people they no look like robots at all! (Waves in front of face) No they seem human and everytink. I think. Where we go dahling oh sorry Mr Security I VIP I VIP I Dotty Scotty’s DFAT trade liasoning it too much for me but he love me what I do? What I do? 

 

(cut to a Beyonce clip on the roof with the Parli House in the background with all staffers) 

 

If you liked it 

You should have put a ring on it

If you liked it 

Should have put a ring on it

We run the world!

Who runs the world? 

We do! 

Who runs the world?

We do!

 

dance number

 

cut to interview with serious pencil 

 

‘So let’s say you have a round of beers. How big are the round of beers for trade with the US? But with your arms like this how big? And how big round of beers for China? How big round of beers for UK? Like little FTA like little red bus or big Thomas the Tank Engine big? ‘

 

(Goes over to the desk, start picking up all the things on the desk, throwing them up and down, hiding behind the curtains dressing like a ballroom dress) 

 

And how much big money from China? Like Secret City big? Or big like BBIIIIIIIGGGGG? 

 

You take money from China? You take money from Yankee big ship take you on nice dinner I bet? Where you go? Canberra Civic? 

 

Refugees hide on big ship? Those big Yankee money ships bigger than 500 cars! I think. I don know. I don know. But no swimming pools like PnO. No slip and slide I no layke. I think no fun. You like? You like big Yankee ships? 

 

Yeah. Secret City. You like Secrets. I know you! Me too. Well, naht really (crosses fingers and then blesses herself kisses beads) I promised to Him when I not doing Scotty from The Shire and dahling it come from the Tush That Walks because that will light up like no tomorrow when 

 

Oh I am sorry. Work? Work? What work? Here! laughs You no work dahling you take rich little ambassadors spawn to talkey talkey no? Soo much fun. Just like PR but like with little countries and stuff. Who we do this week? 

 

Who we do? I mean, where Malaysian Brunei oil king for me I Petronas you sideways. I do for free. You hotel COVID overseas trip you two weeks together? 

 

Naw? Oh you no fun. They have cameras here? You do it all on side? 

 

Well I learn real quick so your DFAT honey pot safe with me sugar yeah mmm thas for sure 

 

starts singing 

 

I’m Your Baby Tonight by Whitney Houston or I Touch Myself by Divinyls

 

Oh look Minister!!!!

 

Halo Halo!!! Halo Halo!!!!

 

Halo Mr Wonkey Wonk Wonk Plonkety Plonk I here to make us Richie Rich! 

 

Oh he a little bawing little man need some food u stinky thin you get Bali belly or no? Too much Bali belly? tsk tsk bawls LINDA! LINDA! LINDA! Where Linda? She Five Eyes or no? 

 

sighs  I told yah no late to Zoom date? What she for late to Zoom? No good for us! We DFAT an everything I think I look good on that desk, no? But no Sharon Stone. Hmmm. No. No. Not now. 

It is all Donald’s fault 

 

Of course. Structural racism has only emerged since his Presidency. Don’t worry, the white trash won’t be allowed near the House again 

 

C’mon, it has been disgraceful. 

 

No argument there. But I’m sorry, was there a move against lobbying, private prisons, flack jacketed police and division prior to his Presidency? 

 

Obama 

 

Went in guns blazing and advanced the foreign policy goals of the USA. Which violence is divisive? Foreign policy or domestic? Palestinians must be shaking their head in disbelief. 

 

But at this time 

 

This has happened in an election year. Anyone want to explain that? 

 

To talk about that while 

 

It is an election year. And as far as I can understand, countries are run by very intelligent people who like to hang in the shadows and are more than across all policy areas. If you wish to use Donald as a catalyst for reformation, feel free. As long as the reformation actually occurs. 

 

You must have solidarity 

 

With the oppressed. What did Nancy Pelosi recently state regarding the US and Israel? 

 

That is not your

 

Yes. You are right. It is not. But here are some policy ideas. Feel free to throw them around while you think of Roman entertainment formats while discussing oppression. New police commander. Dual black police commander in every State and a bureau of investigation that investigates all complaints against police. Citizens from the African American, Mexican and immigrant populations are an oversight committee that regularly goes out into the community and talks to young blacks in the community. That is in every State. More importantly, poverty alleviation in key communities suffering from discrimination. New industries, businesses – that is, run by young people, for young people – in disadvantaged areas. The most important is this: not looking away when communities are wracked by violence and poverty. Going in. Training police – AGAIN. Unless it is made socially unacceptable, it will continue. Democrats must put forward credible political candidates that are willing to shake up the status quo. 

 

Do you think that 

 

No. But you want policy, I got policy. If you want to talk about your opponent all day every day and how ‘bad’ Trump is while a bunch of upper middle class women KNOW what is happening and may even cover up policy that affects the poor and service people via the medical implications of their scientific advancement, that clearly suggests the robots are lacking a moral ethical chip. Sensitivity and telling me not to use a plastic bag don’t really rate with doctoring scientific evidence that would prove people in cancer wards might be there because of nuclear plant down the road. 

 

That discussion has probably 

 

Has it? Because in the last few months, I have been told about a nurse that lost her footing and ‘fell’ off a cliff where I was walking, a swimming champion from my home town that ‘died’ in a car accident, and my absolute favourite – about how Australians are moving towards Japanese ‘dog’ parties, a reference in case you didn’t know, to hydrogen plants, Japanese foreign policy and my good self. As in ‘will stay alive, may not stay alive’. This from a well coiffed female who probably works for ANSTO, will never have her name in the press (while accusing China and Russia of authoritarian nefarious deeds) and most likely has watched lovely little Australians get sick care of defence industry. Now you tell me, is that the way Australia is going to deal with individuals investigating their own strategic policy? Threats, intimidation and death? Is that what you people believe in? 

 

Well I think 

 

I missed out the bit where the back door to the property gate has been opened, a strange guy came to my door, also, there is a dent in my back fence where someone has come over the back leaving behind footprints. I have a red rash on my back care of living near a treatment plant that the Canberra cadres and nice little upper middle class girls will never live near because as they inherited a job with all benefits care of Mummy and Daddy, know exactly where they should live or not live. While discussing resilience. And, as a result, will now, care of my policies, have to spend at least six hours a week in a cancer ward with children or anyone really, for three whole years, if they sit on any defence or foreign policy committee. And that is that. 

 

Really, is that so? 

 

You want to sit around and ignore the fact that large hospitals have been built for COVID, that we have large aircraft carriers and ships sailing in waters, India and China are brawling on the border, talk democracy whilst criminalising those that wish to discuss strategic realities? Yeah, I think not. 

 

Anthropomorphising 

 

Yesterday was about humiliation. That was seasoned State sanctioned bullshit from a CIA handbook on how to annoy your enemies. First, the ‘I want to help you’. Then, the rationale for why they can’t. Then the scientific evidence. Then the humiliation. Of course this is after the surveillance and understanding that I have had no sleep, giving you maximum kahuna opportunity to piss me off. All because you WANT me to discuss Three Mile Nuclear. You want me to get upset and vent because if I don’t, it will all be in vain. Am I right or am I right? All care of a airforce nuclear expert who sounds like a gargled cat, espousing his intellectual superiority mentioning his Asian family legal background, none of which I see as relevant when we are talking about the cancer forming clusters around polluted waterways that no-one discusses while rioting about black misfortune! Explain that motherfucker to me!

 

Well I didn’t realise you were an expert in 

 

And the rural communities concerned about fracking seem none too concerned about other things happening in their communities that allow them to feel a part of some ‘national’ greatness that when it comes down to it, is essentially blowing the fucking brains out of someone else in a foreign country or making someone ash who essentially did sweetFA except did not grow up in a rich privileged society where holding onto Daddy’s bootstraps is some sort of nationalist pride. If that is what you need to be important then it is a very fucking hollow idea of nationalism that you hold onto. 

 

National security 

 

Suffers the most blows from indiscreet lovers giving blow jobs.

 

Well

 

You want me to go there. You want it and you engineer situations where you get it. You are the pimp that wants the hit. You let ASSK out when she was practically a grandmother! Ditto Mandela. You let them rot and and stew and then hold their hand when they see the light. You want to talk freedom? Stop harassing me. I will not get a grey muff because you thought my trauma was helpful to your empirical goals. I’ll walk dogs every day until I die and expose the hypocrisy of the cadres that freed South Africa. 

 

(shuffles paper) 

 

Yeah, that’s what I thought. The mirrors hurt, don’t they? 

 

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