Mate, I just need four bullet points.
No, forget denial. I was thinkin’ somethin’ a little zippier.
Wait, I got a call comin’ in
Oh hello Bungendore
Seriously, two minutes and
Open the box mate
Look at the switches
Yeah nah the one down
No to the right
You got it?
Where is the one for the windmill? Go down. That one.
Yeah but can you believe he did without me.
Oh grow up Bungendore!
Everybody has to pull their weight and do some typin!
Nah he’s not goin’ there anymore
Um well the thing with the Japs?
Yeah dunno, haven’t seen the fine print
Are the Germans comin’ with sausage?
Oh mate, Raby is goin’ it again
Dunno. Dunno. But Bhutan is a beauty.
Nah. But geez I did 50k’s on the bike and
What? Seat of power love.
Yeah nah The Ring. All goin’ on.
Yeah hard but someone has to do it. They don’t realise how hard it is to wait around for me latte. All skill there mate.
Yeah, surfin’ louche meets dairy farmer. The way forward. Clearly.
REM policy. Bloody genius. Outdoin’ herself once again.
Oh but seriously! We got roads to build. Hard hats. Fluro vests. Did you go fishin’?
Nah. Nah. Reno’s takin’ forever. 5th investment home is the trick.
Tell the boss looking good.
Oh listen might be a week late but other than that pretty much on schedule.
Oh mate, someone has to do it.
Listen, any minute now we’ll have a roof.
Any minute now.
Love to Bungendore.
Chinese media threatens ‘evil’ Australia’s warships in South China Sea
One of the Communist Party’s chief mouthpieces has branded Australia “evil” and warned warships carrying out patrols in the South China Sea are at risk of being attacked.
An editorial published by the jingoistic Global Times tabloid newspaper said Prime Minister Scott Morrison had “lost his diplomatic manner” after China’s Foreign Ministry had published a fake image slurring Australian soldiers over alleged war crimes in Afghanistan.
But Five Eyes ally New Zealand rallied to Australia’s support, while the Afghan government urged calm.
WE ARE TOTALLY BRO’ED UP
The newspaper’s editorial said Mr Morrison’s demand for an apology had been “ruthlessly rejected” by the ministry and “ridiculed” by the Chinese people.
“Australia now has such a rude and arrogant government and a group of political and opinion elites who don’t have a clear estimation of themselves,” the editorial said.
China plunged the toxic relationship further into disrepair after one of its chief spokesmen, Lijian Zhao, tweeted a fake image of an Australian soldier slitting the throat of an Afghan boy, a reference to an allegation in the Brereton report into alleged atrocities committed by special forces.
SCARY DUDE. KNIVES. WHERE IS THE FKN LASER WE PAID FOR.
Mr Morrison branded the picture “repugnant” and demanded the tweet be deleted, with protests made through both the Chinese embassy in Canberra and Australian embassy in Beijing.
OMG YELLOW SAVAGES.
However, he suggested that with the tweet sending relations to rock bottom, it was actually an opportunity to reset bilateral ties.
SURPRISE SURPRISE. FIVE EYES WANDERS IN AFTER DOING EVERYONE.
But the Global Times said Australia had implemented a “wolf-style policy” towards China and was the “most savage accomplice of US suppression”.
WAIT. BOTH SIDES ARE WOLVES? WHO IS THE WARRIOR?
“Australia’s evil acts toward China have made Chinese society not only surprised, but also disgusted,” the editorial said.
“As a warhound of the US, Australia should restrain its arrogance. Particularly, its warships must not come to China’s coastal areas to flex muscles, or else it will swallow the bitter pills.”
JESUS. A LEAST A FKN MONGREL KELPIE. WARHOUND IS LOW.
New Zealand Prime Minister Jacinda Ardern said her country had protested directly to China over the post.
“It was an un-factual post and, of course, that would concern us. So, that is something that we have raised directly in the manner that New Zealand does when we have such concerns,” she said.
BECAUSE SO MANY OFFICIAL POSTS ARE FACTUAL. THANKS JA.
Afghanistan’s Foreign Ministry issued a statement saying it was aware of the doctored image.
UM, WHY WERE WE IN AFGHANISTAN? CAN YOU PLEASE DOCTOR MY IMAGE? PLEASE?
“The Ministry of Foreign Affairs and the Australian Government are jointly working to investigate the misconduct of the Australian soldiers in Afghanistan,” the statement said.
“The aim of the investigation is to ensure that the perpetrators are identified and brought to justice.
WHO, WHY, WHERE. UM, WHY WERE WE IN AFGHANISTAN?
“The Islamic Republic of Afghanistan believes that both Australia and China are key players in building and maintaining international and regional consensus on peace and development in Afghanistan. Afghanistan hopes to maintain and strengthen cooperation with the two countries.”
WHAT DON’T YOU LIKE ABOUT OUR DESERT? BLOODY TOPS. YOU GOT A SWIMMING HOLE? WE GOT A SWIMMING HOLE. YOU GOT A 4X4 WITH A DESERT WINDSHIELD, 4 RESERVE TANKS AND A SAT NAV GPS TRYCLOPS BIFURECATED REVERSE ENGINEERED TOUCH SCREEN ALUMINIUM PLATED DUNNY PAPER HOLDER? NAH. YOU DON’T HAVE THAT.
Hills. Cows. Telephone. Paddock.
OH MY DAHLING! Thank god, I thought I was stuck on this hill alone, but you Sat phone me. Where you at pumpernickel?
Oh now calm down brown cow.
Oh calm down.
Problems? I got to get the Three Wise Snuffy’s into the shed with nobody seein’.
They might have a gluten intolerance. I have to get them onto pulses.
Don’t talk to me about pressure, I haven’t got the costumes for the nativity scene!
Yeah, so they say.
I dunno. I did tell you. You never listen to the Agnes.
Yeah but the Sinai? You no like our desert? What’s wrong with it?
Yeah I saw.
Yeah I saw.
Oh you get your khaki in a tizzle.
Well maybe when you want to the rule the world, there is some downside possum heart.
Didn’t you have your infra-red desert goggles?
I packed them for you. In the side pocket.
Well Daisy was a little rough this morning but I got her teat out of trouble. Again.
Yeah, lucky I did that TAFE course or I’d be in real trouble.
How is the Wandering going? Are we nearly there yet? Because I gotta tell you, I’m bored. There’s no car games. I made them all up and then messed them up and then made them again and then
You need a Tesla. Bugger the Toyota.
Yeah. Yeah. Well, that’s if you get rain.
Really? With the fuzzy wuzzy’s?
OMG! Real ones or NRL ones?
Shit. So tough being you. Seriously. They should give you a medal.
Yeah it’s in your sock drawer.
Um well I did have a few questions.
Can you bring me home something big brown and carved?
Yeah I know darlin’ but then I met you.
Well I wanna throw some tinsel over it for the Xmas decos.
There’s no need to be like that. I was just being ethnographic.
Are you anthromorphizing me? Because if you want to know, I am like a Lion. Roar.
Ah, no, more like a praying mantis. We can’t all be good at everything darling.
Oh c’mon. Don’t be shy! Not everyone can be a Snuffy!
Don’t be jealous. You have talents he doesn’t have. Besides, when you have important work like yours, someone has to be the Glitter that Falls Softly Over Your Face As You Wander Home.
Yeah that’s me. The glitter.
Anyway, this must be costing defence a fortune and you know how they like to stay within their means. So thrifty that lot.
Well if you need me to lay pipelines, I’ll lay pipe. There’s nothin’ I can’t do darlin’ for you.
I’ll bring my Ventolin just in case.
Got a call comin’ through, might be Hugh, gotta go.
You poisoned me again
We did not
Maybe if you
How are you going to run that with artists? ‘If you don’t do what we want, we’ll make you throw up.’ Idiots.
You know the rules
Never seen them, don’t know them. A bit like you and God.
This isn’t the time
I think a run against the religious a bit much
We didn’t do anything. Prove it.
How? If we don’t know the rules and you keep changing them! I throw up when I advocate Western aims, I throw up when I don’t, do you have any idea when the children will know what they are doing is right or wrong? Because I think it would be safe to say, as you can be involved in secret missions that break rules
You don’t know that
Ok, an informed guess
You don’t know that. Operational matters have rules.
There are no rules in New Journalism.
There are rules. You just know when you discussing someone’s affair is correct and when it is not.
The media has broken that rule millions of times!
That’s right. How you behave is a reflection of your person and professionalism. It is up to you. It is a moral choice.
How can self-satire be a crime? I am satirising myself!
Ah but it has consequences.
How? I was simply adding a bit to an electric chicken dance. You can’t poison someone for five seconds of fleeting footage.
Ali, you know what you did. And I can never work out when you are Augustus and when you are Hitchens. It seems to change with the days.
See? See what you have taught me! I’m a shape shifter. For tha’ people!
You’re old enough to know better.
The footy club wanted me to go there! They want me to go in, under the posts and score runs!
They did not.
They did. You want fans, you better stop making foreign policy the province of dull twats
Logistical matters are important.
You asked me to go there!
We did not.
You did to so!
You’re hurting yourself
The only people that will bring foreign policy back into something respectable are creative individuals that highlight the
Oh that would be you, right?
Well, actually now that you mention it
You can’t keep poisoning me!
Do something about it.
Oh this is going to be great. Edina and Patsy off to the High Court.
We’ll help you.
Oh yeah, like you have before? No thanks. It would be like Christopher Hitchens helping Mother Theresa. The Presenter will ask for my phone number 17 times a day until I find out
Think of it like charades. But with words.
I just can’t believe it, while Kamala is entering into the hollowed halls, I am going to be fighting
Well we don’t know that yet. You might get way laid and swim across to Duntroon. Nude foreign policy bulletins in fairy floss coat?
You’re stealing my ideas!
Oh, but aren’t they great ones.
If only you knew
But we do darling. We do.
shuffles paper, walks out.