Hilde, can you send a letter to The Emperor? He’s not happy at the moment 


Dear Papa, oh too patronising. Cloying even. Um… Dear Your Lordship, it has come to my attention that you are not happy with the recent subs decision. It might be a bit late to play that card but I do understand. Rachel Carson has a little on her plate at the moment but if you can wait I am sure we can attack some small matters like what happened to Eleanor, why Albo is leader and that dickhead ephemera called a voice to parliament. What did I miss? Sounds like washing up detergent. Don’t be mad. The wanton bagpipe yodel cast a spell. I think. Love Ag. 


Slides a letter onto a silver platter 


Post haste. 


She paces the room 


Hilde returns 


What did he say? 


I’d rather not repeat it. 


Oh shit. 


Rips open letter 


‘Fuck off. ‘ Oh. Seriously. He really is mad. I hate it when he gets like this. He is verbally obtuse. 


Is that what you call it? 


Send this.


Thrusts another letter into her hands. 


What does it say? 


‘I think that is very unkind. You are an overgrown Asiatic hog that needs to remember I have never been to a Chinese banquet.’ 


What does that mean? 


I am not sure but it sounds impressive. He is very difficult. Go. 


Hilde returns. She rips open letter. 


‘Princess, let me know when you might feel it necessary to fight for the issues you opine on so easily. I’ll be here with a little texta to show you the causal link between footwork and policy. You are not shy. Get going bugalugs. At this rate the only thing we’ll be filming is Chitty Chitty Bang Bang. As I said, take a leap into asinine mediocrity. You belong there.’ 


So loving. Really. He loves to rail me the bastard. There is no degree of separation. You could almost swear we shared bog Irish lots. 


Hilde, quickly send this back. 


‘Listen, Emperor, I don’t have time to hear you slag me off, what is the next legislative necessity we need to chat. Unless you’d prefer to watch people take coal from the ground and then 20 years later complain. What happened? Miss two decades? That’s unlike you Edward Scissorhands. Drop the proclamation of innocence. Any pictures of you feasting near the povo’s in China? Mention Ang at all? Love Ag. 




Hilde returns. 


Do you two think it might be quicker just to pick up a telephone? FaceTime? We have that now. 


No. I don’t want him anything less than glorious. Don’t ask me to explain. 


Rips open letter 


‘I do not have time to detail my exhaustive travels through Asia and meeting with a range of people from all walks of life.’ Groans. He sounds like a readers digest article. ‘If you care to find out please do anything anything at this stage to advance a sophisticated agenda beyond a hackneyed white Australia policy that sees you pawing at Jervis Bay like it constitutes a country or your latest rent boy conquest.’ 


Seriously Hilde, I should have moved down South years ago. If I’d known it would produce this reaction. He clearly has never been on a JetSki. 


‘As for Ang, and the issue of Tibet, there are ways of going about things that produce results long term for the benefit of the whole region.’ 


Oh he has taken a liking for red tape. Bull and shit Hilde. Really. He the creative maestro. I see how the creative nation was born! Right here! In this letter!


Blah blah blah ‘and it would seem to me you have not given  enough thought to the ramifications of a dated foreign policy predicated on an old Western footprint. Perhaps you’d like a Pimms at Raffles.’ 


Well. He’s in a good mood. I’ll read it if I can’t get to sleep tonight. 


Send this Hilde,


Seen a map lately? Got any idea how it will work? What is your view on Hong Kong? Know what your glorious besties are saying in ASEAN or should I bug the joint? How do you propose you deal with the reality that has people doing exercises in every sea known to man? What about freedoms in Laos? Any inside information or should I bless your ring to find the hell out? We all have jobs to do. Thanks for the tips. It is a little more complicated than that. As you know. Speaking of swathes of barely concealed chiffon. I need facts.’ 




Maybe I’ll call the child Inver. Writes her name in imaginary script. Or OBAN. 


Hilde returns 


Rips open letter 


You don’t seriously believe that bullshit do you? 


Well that was brief. Brevity is not lost on me Hil. There is merit to it. Especially with the exotic flourish of Australian.. whatever… anyway send this. 


‘You have us locked up and you want her free. Please explain. Also, please feel free to detail Malaysia and Brunei’s position. It intrigues me. What do you want us to do with the energy claims and why didn’t you organise a tribunal to solve all of this for us? I need details. ps: rent boy! You couldn’t win a rigged dog paddle flag race in a triangular hot tub with wing keeled floaties. 


Now. Oh Hilde please? 




Phone rings. His lordship. 


Wing keeled floaties!!! I’ll have you know that once upon a time when I was prowling Bankstown like a lupine slick cheetah


Snoring noise oh do go on, howls like a dog 


I am under no obligation to tell you anything that 


Then I don’t have to tell you anything. Who dobbed me in the other day whilst claiming Chinese surveillance was bad? Of all the good for nothing 


I don’t know! Who cares! Get going! 


Then I don’t have to tell you anything! 




Good! I have noticed Australians have a real fondness for female politicians you can really tell. 


Pauses dramatically 


Something in the water! 


He howls like a dog. Oh no save me! Quick I need the blue stocking brigade to buttress me into political greatness


And the timing! 


Now don’t overreact to Gladys being caught out


Really! Australian love of female bush rangers and politicians really tells you something. I mean really 


Love corruption do you? Never could guess! I mean, which side of your personality is that shade? Magenta? Maybe you and Pru could sit down at a Liberal Party scone meeting 




Maybe I’ll turn into Gra Gra and bag some cash. You can look the other way while I do a few things of national importance. Nothing going on at the moment. Nothing. Not that you’d know! 


Anything you want you can have


Good! I’ll have a federal seat. A State seat and a two term female PM. Thanks! 


Now sweetheart 


Doesn’t have to be me. Just someone that represents the new politics! A real live young person. Like, authentic and stuff! Like Charlotte Gainsbourg. You know? Wild concept. 


Go for it. Go for it! Why would I 


Good. I want a superpac too. 


Got it off your chest? 


And I’m not driving a political Chrysler either from the back seat. The back seat! 


Your choice! Your choice! 


You want to talk about ground up? Then tell me why I am still on the ground while a bunch of blokes are watching war games and flying between countries. Because that isn’t ground up baby. That’s a B21 that they won’t let me near. And don’t you ever talk to me about Kei


Here we go 


There is no fear of abandonment from a woman who is told she is a dero!  There is disgust at the people in comfortable high positions laughing with rouge made up faces about the fact they are not in her predicament! 


Oh possum. Diddums. That’s all today? Really I am surprised. Has Hilde taken down all the notes?


And BTW. Facts. Not one female American President! Just a fact. 


And what? Should we all walk around and 


And if I hear one Australian female complain about discrimination while doing another woman in, I’ll put a camera on them for the next 20 years. 20 years! 


Anyone you want to thank for looking after you, attending to your every need, lovingly taking you by the hand, creating miraculous gum leaf opportunities or shall we just leave this at the wounds of Carmen Lawrence still searing a little breastplate to hang above the mantle while single handedly reinventing Australian politics? Because it is so you. Today. 


What’s wrong with me? I’m brilliant!  I’m determined! I’m… I forget but yes. Alright. Yes. Thankyou. I think…. 


Say ‘Thankyou darlings I love you’. I want to hear it. I can’t hear it. Careful, We Can’t Hear You. It is the wind whispering. It is the trees singing. It is little fire sticks rubbing together like little street urchins lighting lamps! It is your new boyf


Laughs uproariously


Don’t go there. It’s off limits. I said Thankyou ! Thankyou oh thannnnnkyou gods of




Darling we all do it! You just have to relax and think of a 


Stop it! 


I’m dreaming of a 




Oh I can’t believe you wouldn’t be there amongst it! You’d be such an asset. 


Both laugh. 


A real live strategic asset. That’s you. 


Laughs hysterically 


What are we going to do, Ruby Roo? 


They laugh and sigh


Find another bloody female Premier! 


Well if you like snorkels that much 


You can’t imagine 


I can. Darling, I really can. Sighs What do you think about it all really? 


There is silence. 


I thought so. Don’t worry. We’ll work a way around it. 




Strangely quiet is my girl on the topics she loves the most. 


Poetry in motion. Pure Irish poetry in motion.  


Dutt Dutt


Morning darling


How are the exercises to beat the other exercises that transcended the other exercises going in caravan land?


My am I missing your sweaty tent


Not long now darling


You know how those that are truly special are exempt from all rules and regulations 


Howard Springs def has a 4 star quality to it


Let’s get to Guinea 


‘We are no longer going to entrust politics to one man, we are going to entrust politics to the people.’


Said some bloke who has taken over.


‘Guinea is beautiful. We don’t need to rape Guinea anymore, we just need to make love to her.’


Why, such advanced sentiments. 


Imagine the geo-political repercussions of that.


Any wonder I am sitting in a negligee thinking of you?


Shall we discuss the economic bauxite fall-out or a few things a bit bigger?


Move on over.


Sit tight.


We couldn’t imagine.


Girls, rustle up a map.


Get your Scout’s badge on.


If they let you, that is.



Hey, it’s Manet not Marilyn but what’s a few vowels after the big brassy main letter? 


Sort of like Y and R in the same name. 


You feel me?



Now darling heart, isn’t it strange that the persona non grata or tis depending on your morning energy drink that is nothing compared to what the professionals drink – little swarthy minions of muscle led recovery – QATAR is taking alot of these Afghani’s.


Who knew.


Well, me.


See the difference?


Eyes. Money. Country.


Poor people. Papers. Nothing.


What a fucking revolution.


Said Susan.





Bags getting stuck with the Aussie lot in the Middle East.


‘We can’t return to BrizVegas’


Well, what can we do with you all in the desert heat?


What could you be doing over there?


MAK and I can rustle up a few hoofs and see how you go around the track.


Breed a Melbourne Cup winner.


Saddle sore?


Not likely.


All that FAT-I-GUE fashion.


Now what could they be doing.


Lies back.


Thinks of former English protectorates.


And other things.


Big place Dubai.


Big buildings. 


COVID is the damndest strangest thing.



Dutt Dutt Minister for Defo or the man who brings Ron Mueck sculptures to life –  had much to say recently before he heads off to eat Australian lamb with Joe Joe Silverfox Biden.


The Yanks can elect sexy old men.


We just hide ours.


Scottish nose hair. The Epsom salts of the 21st Century.


Bags not being William Wallace. Fuck no.


Where was I.


We need to develop ‘long range strike weapons, offensive cyber and unmanned capabilities, including swarming drones.’


‘We are going to embrace asymmetric warfare as the offensive party rather than the defensive party’


Oh Dutt Dutt.


‘He calls on the Americans to give greater effect to Australia’s inclusion in its defence industry base.’


American missile technology in Australia?


Wonders never cease.


One billion announced in March so we can hop on together and razzle dazzle our Climate Commitments.


Sort of like a horse. Bit pointy. Bit expensive. Bit fucking secret.


If you’re feeling a bit low, just pull out page 2 of Wednesday’s OZ by Greg ‘I have Never Met An American Policy I Didn’t Like’ Sheridan


Seriously, no anti-depressants needed kids. Your teenage angst will be seriously cured when you read this out loud. Take turns. Use different accents. Insert a different country’s name every time they mention Australia. 


Kids, when done, scribble over the top and make coloured lanterns from the big words.


I’ll be just desperate to see swarm technology in action. 


‘Mum, who let the pool pony’s out’


I love you. I do. This is brilliant.


Wonder what is for dessert.


It’s going to crumble delicately and just melt in my mouth.




Nothing to discuss in Washington.


‘When I said withdraw, I didn’t mean it.’




It is all about consent.


The Cammo Olympics

Welcome to the news.

While cammo does GI Joe in your part of the world, with boats and dinghys and weapons systems no person in their right mind would understand, spare a thought for the rest of the world locked down.

We wish we were there.

Beats sitting on your arse, says Trevor.

Oh yeah! Cool! A rocket!

Fuckin’ awesome!

Wish I could be drenched in sea spray and hauling a dinghy onto a beach.

Want some sound? 

Toy and MG onit.

‘Ah beautiful position there. Yep, nice landing of the cammo. Cool biceps. Oh look! Wrap around sunnies too! Do you think they are in medal position?  I mean, what would push them into GOLD? Canadians are there. The Yanks too. Anyone for a ship shot? Nah, ship shot only gives you bronze. What we need here is

OH LOOK! A Chinese spy ship! Shit mate! That has put the cat amongst the pigeons. Looks like a backyard golf green but never mind.

Oh the NYT has come in hard. 

Missile silos! Chinese ones! Sheeet. I mean, the Ruskies and the Yanks have got 4000 each but flock yeah, bloody Chinks. Never mind. Logic has gone AWOL. 

Where is Miss Piggy?

Pining for Kermie. 

‘Kermie Kermie, get me off this Lilypad and into some action!’

Nah. She gotta work it out Hans Solo like Princess Layla.

That’d be worth a degree or two.

BIg boats. Shit mate. OMG. 

Talisman Sabre. The Talisman you have when you want to do Luke. But he might be your brother.

Oh did I mention ASSK is in prison?

Yeah, the military don’t like her.

But ours is cool as FLOCK. FLOCK YEAH. 

Now we have some more beautiful images floating through the paradise via Twitter.

This isn’t a B21 which is what everyone covets silently, not daring to touch the wings that cost more than a trip to the shops. 

Wouldn’t I. Wouldn’t I. If I could fit it into the EDO Canbra care package, oh I bloody would. 

Look at those tanks mate. Big rubber rolling wheels. On sand! I mean, this is almost beach volleyball gold!! Six nations. Wet. Together. In formation.

How much do you think those racing binoculars cost sitting on top of their head? Stuck with Perkins Paste or something more? Hard to say. Hard to say. Bloody expensive guns I reckon. What’s he pointing it at? A Magpipe? Yeah, a magpipe. Oh put it down mate! She’s harmless.

What’s he gunna bust that door open with? His foot? Can’t he see inside with the infrared? Oh geez. How does the Opposition deal with that? This could be a bronze I reckon. He’ll have to go better than that to get the Gold. 

Oh I’ve been handed a note. Military to help control COVID in Sydney. Oh yeah, fellas, we’re at the Brisbane Olympics. This isn’t a WARATAH match. AUZMAT BRAVO has gone into Fiji. God we love the Pacific. It is true love. That’s what it is all about here. LOVE. LOVE. LOVE. And shit loads of cammo. 

Now we have a 

A B-52 Stratofortress aircraft flying alongside 

@AusAirForce‘s EA-18G Growler, F/A-18F Super Hornet and F-35A Lightning aircraft. 

Look at those big planes. Where is Clarky? Is he alongside? Maybe doesn’t like the ethanol. Vapor fumes a bit much.

It’s a big plane though isn’t it?

Real big. 

Can anyone buzz Clarky? Got a bit on at the moment. He’ll have to pull out the big ones to beat this. He’d have to shave a few seconds off the world record. 

Canberra has only offered a spit spat between the Japanese and Chinese diplos. Bloody Canberra. They’d have to be disappointed with that effort. No-one is surprised. Pencil pushers getting involved in the games. Seriously mate. This is Russell doing what it does best. Sweat. Machines. And Friendship. 

Was that another ship mention there MG?

Oh shit yeah. We’re full of ships. Big ones. 

Another GOLD twitter feed of them in formation. Sort of like sychronised swimming without the bathing caps.

Just the little frilly additions of gunners. 

What does a gunner do?

Details are not important, TOY. Just images. The medium is the message.

Note in here, MG.

According to Rear Adm. Chris Engdahl, who commands the U.S. Navy’s Expeditionary Strike Group 7, the ability of the F-35B to integrate with the Royal Australian Air Force F-35A and other assets, such as Boeing E-7A Wedgetail airborne early warning and control aircraft, during high-end air combat training “has just been spectacular.”

Well that is good to know. 

What do you think is in the explosives they are loading? 

Not sure. But I reckon you’d have to get that right or you’d be out of medal contention. Not sure what the North Koreans, the Chinese, the Syrians or the Palestinians think about that. 

Well I think if you loaded up all the bases, all the weapons, all the satellites, all the secret silos and then a little over the horizon action well, 

Do you think we really know?

Not sure. I think every team would keep a pretty tight lid on preparations. As long as you have the bold type over the images with a little TOP GUN music, I reckon the public would go for it.

If you just made out dissenters were out and out crackpots

Oh that would be the way to go. Never been done before. Truly original.

Are they getting a bit of dynamic lift with those helicopters?

Oh for sure. Just what you want in a helicopter. Dynamic lift. 

And a ski jump deck.

And a ski jump deck.

You reckon there are a few nukes around the place on board?

Oh my word. Can’t say of course. Top secret.

Top secret. Of course. Nothing important.

Nah. Top secret. You wanna go live in Equador? Fuck no! Grow a beard and have no jiggy wid it? NO WAY! Bloody QLD beaches. Cammo. International relations. 

Well here we are at the Queensland Talisman Sabre Games and what a sight for sore eyes. Countries united in sheer power and cammo. Tired from the sheer thrill of it all. And hasn’t it been an exercise in precision, formation and leadership. Didn’t see any breastroke, but maybe next year.

King or Queen?

Kath get out now! It’s not funny!

If you want your King and Queen back you’ll have to catch me! I’m all ice. You’ll have to lick me to death. It’s Frozen. Are you the bad prince Kel or Kristoff? 

Kath! This isn’t the time! I need the pieces back on the board game. Get out of the cool room. Now. 

Kim walks in 

What’s she doing Kel?

She’s bloody taken all the chess pieces off the board and hiding in there.

I’m the adorable snow woman Kim! He has to lick me to get the pieces back. 

This isn’t the time Kath! This isn’t a game!

Yes it is Kim! It’s chess. I’ve changed the rules to spice up Kel’s life. If he can find the King and Queen, he wins.

But you’re locked in a cool room!

That’s right! I’m making it interesting. Oh shit, there’s some off cheese in here. 

You’re going to get in big trouble if you don’t start taking life seriously Kath!

I am! Kel needs some more incentivsing. And this is the beginning of the big plans. 

I don’t think locking yourself in a cool room is the way forward Kath. 

Nobody asked you Kim. It is a very technical appreciation of some complex science. 

A cool room?

Yes. I can’t tell you how, but after Kel has his way and melted me for a few pawns, I’ll let you in on the secret.

I don’t think we have time to waste, Kath.

Yes Kath. Time is of the essence.

Kel, blindfold yourself with a sock. It will make it more interesting. 

Oh look Kath. We’re really busy. I haven’t got time for puppetry of the pleasure trove. 

steps out of cool room.  Chess pieces sticking from her ice castle.

Kel, if you don’t lick me all over, I swear I’ll take those F35’s and give them to the poor people. Do you know what the health budget was last year? And there are some countries that really need  Covid help! Seriously. It’s not cammo Christmas everyday you know!

Kath, I don’t think you should talk about stuff you don’t know about. Especially looking like a Smurf slurpee.

I saw those twitter feeds and I know stuff Kel. It is my responsibility to take charge. All I am asking is for a bit of down time where we can connect!

Connect  Four Kath! Now is not the time!

You left your run a bit late to tell me what is going on! I was twenty years ahead Kel! You can take your lectures and shove it. As far as I can see, I’m just your soccer ball. That’s not a ball I want to go to I am afraid! This slurpee is going to find someone who actually wants to lick me until the cup is all wet and bendy sort of like

Kath! Wake up and smell the oranges! This is a country doing great things! You can’t be half dressed with icicle nipples! It is just not on!

Girt by sea Kel! Girt by sea. And this is water. And by some incredible process it becomes ice. Scientific fact. All working together. A national effort. You need to spend more time with King Neptune.

Kath, if you don’t pull yourself together, I’m going to revise the ugg boot purchase. That’s a fact.

Threats, idle threats. That’s all I seem to get from you Kel. Well things are going to have to change. The Penguin dick sticklers I had on order are going to someone else.


I don’t know. But when I think of them, you’ll be the last person to be reading my mind. And that is a fact. 

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