OzTraya

 

(Red curtain, glittery very Baz) 

 

schoolroom with teacher 

 

‘Welcome Kids. Today I am going to introduce you to the native species of Australia. Snakes, spiders, possums and perhaps even a selfish little troglodyte wombat. But we still love them. Anything that makes us money. Now stand back. They won’t hurt. Just don’t let them anywhere near you and your digital wallet.’

 

Kids stuff phones back into clothes.

 

Curtain goes up 

 

Big truck.

 

Out of it pour men in tight white t-shirts and stubbies. They lower back and carry something out like servants carrying bamboo throne. It is Gina Rinehart on a bamboo throne. Got a pith helmet on. They lift her deftly onto her feet. She is wearing one of those kaftan things, bejewelled. 

 

G’DAY 

 

I’m GINA 

 

She is on roller skates, with roller girls behind her.

 

I’m substantial

Yeah I am substantial

Just like my wealth

We like it big over here

So I went big

 

Chorus: yeah big

 

Look at me now

I’m the Queen of it all

Latifah ain’t got nothin’

On me

 

Just ditch

The little witch

After your father’s drawers

A mail order bride called Rose

 

Well

I am the thorn

In that little debacle

 

And before you know it

The Asian beat with the

Mans in Mosman Park

Was running out the door

After I hit the legal beat

And ate her alive

 

Chorus: Yum Yum Yum

 

(Gina on the phone)

 

Oh Imelda

Rose wants your shoes

She needs to sell them for the court case

 

Gina Aside: Just on the phone to Manila 

 

If you wanna Lady Macbeth

You better get lost

Dead beat

 

In WA we breed ‘em big

With biiiiiiig

Shimmies

Mines

That are mine

Oh and a few Chinese

But that’s a small matter

 

I’m in command

If we’re gunna rip it and

Truck it

It will be my famileeeeeeee

Those I speak to of course

That will enjoy

WA’s

Royalties

 

Chorus: laugh and throw money

 

Yeah I am big

Big damn it

So terribly big

My brain weighs as much

As my

Bullion bars

 

It’s just what this country needs

Is another powerful

Ranger

Like me

 

Pauline please

You can’t fuck with us

No sirreeee

We’re tight like

Reptilian danger

In the desert heat

You’re on your own

 

A big Mack

A convoy

That’s me

Ya either are

Or Not

In the Pilbara

 

And I happen to own quite a large stake

Who knew?

 

Yeah I’m big baby

Yeah quite substantial

A rhyming delightful

Financial

Behemoth

 

There ain’t enough cloth

To cover this glorious

Pot

Of gold

 

So get used to

Big Red

Cause you’re

Dust

In the Kimberley

Have a few hectares

I mean why not?

 

I own it all

and I’m big

And I’m red

 

I’m Gina

 

A pot

Of gold

Dammit.

 

2. Wang Yi saunters on stage 

 

Surrounded by boys in grey suits, on phones 

 

Very camp

 

I’m Wang YI 

 

Well as you know

I know it all

I’m petite

But replete

With

Accuracies

 

Look at me smile

Look at me angry

Look at me talking

Look at me at ASEAN

 

So radically

Different

Expressions

Of the same thing

Hello Bjorn Borg!

 

I’m not going to admit to

A little of the tox

And arched eyebrow

Here or there

Is a sign of our

Magnificent empire

Don’t you think?

 

A little curve here

And a little curve there

Just gotta try and hide all the

Intention

 

Yes I am Wang Yi

A veritable little Mandarin treat

I have the ear the ear

President Xi

 

Whatever must be conveyed

I display with my

Rigor

Gait

You’d never know

How old I am

Oh go on, guess!

 

My energetic

Conveyances

And photogenic

Ableness

Makes me the very picture

Of a perfect

Diplomatic gentleman

 

I am petite

But replete

With accuracies

 

We’re building an empire

Never seen before

Well for a few thousand years but ours is better….

 

And if I may say

I am nimble and with grace

Forget Marty Natelgawa

Compared to me

He was a fraud

 

(Poor little ASEAN tributaries

Whenever will they learn?)

 

My name is Wang Yi

Don’t talk currency to me

Shadow banking oh

Pollution please

 

Have you see the nuclear

Pores?

Excellent don’t you think?

That Westinghouse…

Must give them some feedback..

 

When I speak to the Europeans

About the solar panels

They do like to complain while selling

Mouldy cheese 

Not bad wine though

And they aren’t bad

When we want to give it to the

Yanks

 

A bit of Iranian crude never hurt anyone 

 

We’re right up to date

We’ve dammed

The Yangtze

We’ve controlled the poor

Out of that green and red

Upgraded little underlings

Have designer bags on call

 

Isn’t it great

The poor white trash

About the place

Western Civilisation

Really needs an update

I mean really

All that money and no taste?

Good lord

They aren’t Queen Elizabeth

 

A few Mussies on the West

A minor blip

Seriously

Compared to Nepal

Oh yes I’d like a little territory there

What about a neat little red pin

Oh yes

I like that circle

 

Can we enlarge it

Avoid

The Saffron yellow

So pesky

Those little Bodhi tubs

 

What do you mean we need the water?

Oh don’t read into things

You’re a little simple

Let’s do this in Mandarin

Or should we stick to

Canberra

Strine

 

Yeah whatever you say

Marise Paaaaaayne

Or was that

Christopher Pyyyyyne

 

The issues we must

Face

Speaking of excellent faces

Mine

 

From Africa to the Belt and Toad

the Arctic and beyond

I’m a master

In a glorious age

It’s all mine

Artificial intelligence I ain’t

But you can hypothesise

I’m so incredibly perfect

 

And

Our robotics

And electronics

Are going to rule the world

Or perhaps just a bit

 

When I’ve done all the deals

I don’t like to boast

Did you see them all here on the

Red carpet?

Poor pets need money!

And we have a few thousand cheap workers

So a real win win

I mean would you trust half of them

With your railway?

 

Good god no

 

No red envelope for you!

 

Didn’t I see one of your boats in the Sth China Sea?

Well that shirt has Yankee written on the back

Suddenly I can’t seem to find my chequebook

Go find a Patriot somewhere in Alabama or wherever they

Breed Crocodiles

 

My name is Wang Yi

And I never lose face

Because mine is so absolutely

Perfect

 

Just watch me

You have to watch me

I’m on TV all the time

 

Ha

 

I’m replete

And petite

But with accuracy

 

With eye arches to die for

Political connections

Throughout

The globe

My name is Wang Yi

Don’t confuse me with Xi

 

You’ll remember me

Because you’ll remember

All the deals baby

I mean, who held it together

Mao or Zhou Enlai?

 

You’ll remember all my lines

Sweetie

They were mine

Oh glorious

Mine.

 

Poses

 

Is this the right angle?

 

Where is CGTN?

 

3. Frank Lowy saunters on stage 

 

As if talking to a female reporter at Lowy Institute

 

I’ve sat opposite them

Yeah

I’ve sat with them at the table

 

Darling you don’t know sweet FA

 

By the way, can we set up our own?

I was thinking Australian soccer

Any money in it?

No nepotism

My son will run it

the good looking silver fox

best to keep it in the family

In a democracy

 

But look

In negotiations with these lot

You have to look after your own

 

I’ve run the biggest

Shopping enterprise

You’ll ever see

And if you look down

You’ll never see it coming

 

So baby, please

With these lot

From the North

You’ve got to look

After your own

 

I came here with nothing

We’re a powerhouse

Shopping malls in that thing oh yeah London

A small little outfit in the New York

What do you expect?

 

I’m a good looking

Little little boy who did good

In Blacktown

I can’t help it

I just got it

Baby

 

Yeah I’m Frank

That’s with an F for

Pause

Financial

And the Review you’re in is probably

Mine

 

I probably own this

 

I mean, c’mon, just a few acquisitions here and there

I wasn’t to know

That people wanted to sell and buy stuff

It was a fluke

You know how it goes

 

When you’re F

Pause

For Financial

 

But let me tell you

The here and the now

 

If we continue to think

That we can just let them come in from the North

and

Run it

We’ll be in trouble

And I know

Because I know everything

I mean don’t I?

 

I have my own institute

A think tank

Named after yours truly

Take that Henry

and Paul

 

According to me

The vital subjects of the day

Are here to stay

 

I own a think tank

For gods sake

 

It was very easy to set up really

Just a few million

With the movement of the people

And the capital steeple

 

You might like an office at Barangaroo

Governor Philip if you want some privacy

 

Have you seen the restorations in the

Middle of the CBD

Quite tasteful I think

 

Got an OBE

So I know

 

But yes,

I’m Frank

And I’m Sydney

And every other capital city you care to name

 

We’re pushing the info

Of the very important Diplo

To determine the events of the

Day

 

I’ve sat on all the boards

I know what we’re facing towards

With a little bit of urbane

Proclivity

Pause

For Work

 

They’ve come and gone

With their ideals and their

Manner

While I’ve cleaned up

With Shirley

On the Sydney shores

Point Piper

 

Just a boy who made it big

In Blacktown

Not Bankstown

I prefer accuracy, not near Paul

Although I know him

Do you?

I know everyone

 

I’m Frank

 

And I’ve got it baby

 

I just can’t help it

Flakey

It’s part of the nature

Of being

Powerful Abroad

 

I’d reckon that bag

Was probably purchased in one of my

Wonderlands

A bit cheap looking

Have you checked out Dior this season

 

I will keep the Globe safe

From the type that won’t negotiate in good faith

And we need more good faith

To buy goods

Of course

 

Oh it was purely a philanthropic idea

by-the-by

A little immigration

To pacify the imagination

And leave the Australian legacy

Proud

 

If we want a bit of a stake

In the game that is great

You gotta pull hard and fast

Across the table

 

yeah I’m Frank

 

And I’m terribly

pause

Financial

 

I am Australia really

In a nutshell

 

If you need a bit of calming down

A rousing sport to help you win

The crown

I’m all yours darling

 

I’m an ambitious Australian

 

Infrastructure

Immigration

From a tool maker in

Alexandria

 

I’m your man

 

Your country

 

Your crown

 

And highly

 

Pause

 

Financially Responsible.

 

Last line with a wink 

 

Where is Steven and Peter?

We have a pre-match function to get to.

And try to avoid the Wanderers crowd

Last time a firecracker

Nearly hit the

Audi

 

To audience:

 

I love it, don’t you?

 

ACT ONE: 

 

Scene One 

 

Straight intoGeorge Pell in black. Fires of hell light up stage. Cross striding across stage, in song, very Quasimodo. The double entendre considering the sex scandals can refer to male/females 

 

So you think do you 

You got rid of me? 

The gypsy queens 

Trying to replace me!

 

How dare they 

Spin that fleshy foul

Temptresses be damned! 

 

I will not look!

I will not be made 

 

A Slave to their 

Desire 

To make me

The Fool 

 

Who are these people? 

What structure do they think controls 

The very slats of the new era!

 

Why black robes 

Is very Beresford

A cinematic genius realised our 

Necessity on the vast sweep 

of Human Canvas!

 

What I need 

Is a really good people’s 

Champion 

Someone to tie my fate

With goodness and civic 

Engagement 

 

We got to spin this thing

Before we become 

Replaceable 

 

Australian Idol! Hmph. 

 

They think now that any mere wasp

Can come and take what is not rightfully theirs? 

 

These heathen craven jousts 

 

Gyration temptation oh save me Lord on knees 

 

When such jewels are littered before us 

Wearing the crown of paradise 

 

Bondi/beach scene

good looking men and women who then take towels and make suggestive moves before breaking out into dance Madge/Kylie etc 

 

Just like a prayer 

Let me take you there 

A mystery 

You are not what you are 

 

CHORUS DANCE NUMBER 

 

George

It’s enough to make me cry out oh Lord

Where is a right wing putsch 

When your crotch is aching! 

 

Miranda Miranda Janet Janet

 

Big Face of Young Boy on transparent Curtain behind George.

 

Chorus sing/dance 

 

Can’t get you out of my head

Boy your love is all that I think about etc 

 

Pell groans loudly. Dissolves into puddles like the Wicked Witch behind Boy Image. Boys in Red sequins thongs come on and incense around stage.

 

Chorus sing: 

Can’t get You Out Of My Head

 

Scene Two: 

 

Girl comes along 

 

Oh look. Someone left their shoes behind. 

 

Slipper with big GP on them. She chucks them over her shoulder. 

 

Bastards really need to learn to recycle 

 

Um listen. 

I am Fate. 

Yeah that’s me name. 

Don’t wear it out.

 

They dropped me from the flamin’ sky 

Was hoping for a real mad rush 

Instead I got a note saying

The bloody Aussies need a real good push 

 

Been living like the Carpe Diem

Bags of gold from every side 

 

Mate I said 

 

No real drama 

Dyin’ to wax a board and check the Car Mate

Sort of like Karma but with a wicked 

Spoiler  

 

Can you just tell me 

The problems we need to sort 

Before they call me 

And not Obama? 

 

Music like trumpets

 

Cause let’s face it 

Sighs 

God 

 

Lights dim

 

When the world rages 

When the light seems ..not just dim but particularly obtuse 

 

There’s nothing like a 

Good human…..

pause 

To make me feel 

Like Sin 

Gasps 

 

So I talk myself up

I forget all my celestial woes 

Or the job offers in the bin

 

I might be a little transparent 

I might be a little OTT

But nothing is ever too much 

For Fate to step in 

And they need some bloody good rain!

 

Like Maria

 

So I pack up my stead

I stay firm in my brain 

Or cerebral cortex whatever you like to say

 

Because let’s face it 

There’s sex in this town!

 

I want some Aussie flesh

Just a little taste of the mortal 

I promise I won’t hurt 

A bit of skin on skin 

 

I’m only a God 

Diana the Crown 

Venus on the Make 

Disguised as fate 

To see who wants the 

Town 

 

Clips off like Dorothy

 

I just want a view 

A big bloody view 

Something a little Whale Beach 

oh god even North Bondi 

Will do, 

 

Is there a dress code? 

Should I wear some Upside? 

Mineral makeup or 

Mecca? 

Is Parlour X open? 

 

With clipboard

Frank and Gina and oh Wang Xi, where is the Canberra candidate oh wait 

 

Kevin Julia Malcolm 

Oh look 

Eleanor Plibersek 

Wants a run 

Side stage Tanya practising her speech

 

Sometimes the word 

Comes along 

A veritable discursive bite

That sums it all up

yeah here it is 

And it is…..

Um Yeah…

it is 

Oh yeah that’s it

Thunder!

 

AC/DC plays 

 

They need me NOW 

Lucky I’m all over the outdoor ensemble 

Little boxing near the Botanic Gardens 

Outdoor swim anyone? 

God it’s so hard to be Australian 

Off for a coffee 

Betta get a table for two for lunch

Maybe Aria? 

Then off to the Wharf

And later 

A festival 

Can’t miss a festival 

 

God it is so tough

it is bloody remarkable

We even have time 

To invest all the marbles 

 

Yeah they’re talking up woe

The dollar real low

No-one believes it 

Because we were all going to tank 

Right? 

 

Yeah they don’t understand 

 

We’re managing the Uptake

People like me

Young 

Fresh 

Sigh

 

Slightly remarkable 

 

Now what did the note say from Sydney – oh yeah: 

 

Dear Fate, or 

Goddess on Ekky

Get out you lunatic 

And grow a spine 

 

Charming 

I can’t I am celestial

 

Because bloody hell 

You selfish

Drongo 

We haven’t even bought a house yet 

 

Wake Up Mate

It’s only the whole globe

No no need to worry

 

I mean

 

It’s only millions of people

Waiting for you to 

Create something great 

 

When we said go slow

We didn’t say

Mope like MO 

 

The Western Sydney Wanderers

Are Making You Look Good

Unbelievably 

 

Please hurry up

Or we’ll sub in a 

GROMMIT 

 

Ps: GIT HERE NOW 

 

SONG 

 

It’s Fate

Our Time is Here 

I’m heading out strong

 

We got our boards

We got our ideas 

We got to play it sharp

We got to get the mongrels 

Out on top 

 

No time to lose

No time to waste 

Can we find any money

We’ve got to take this 

Worldwide 

 

I’m not afraid

I’m not alone

But maybe just maybe if I get the Aussies on board 

We can nix 

The Global Shit Show 

 

It’s been ten years

And I’ll have to dive in

Cause it is clear to me 

We’ve got to nix 

The Global Shit Show 

 

We’ll drag them away

From the bloody papers 

 

We’ll find a start up

And motor through

With sparkling 

Beautifully enhanced

Features

 

I caaaaaan do it!

We caaaan do it! 

 

When I rumble with the little

Aussie bumble 

We’ll spread a heavenly glow

The little cherub

With a hybrid DNA 

Will look like a Hemsworth

But bite like 

Malandirri

 

Spoken 

 

It’s basically all on my shoulders. 

Not even a problem. 

God, what am I going to wear? 

 

SCENE THREE: 

 

Two people on phone. 

 

Aussie + Yank. 

 

Yeah Pine Gap 

 

What you hearin’ 

 

None of your bees wax. Top secret. 

 

I’m the Yanks mate. We need to know. 

 

Oh yeah well. Bit of that. Bit of so and so. Short for code. 

 

Yeah, we got the lingo. We’d like some more info. Please.

 

Listen have to say. My Indonesian isn’t great. 

 

You mean Bahasa? 

 

That too. Or Cantonese. The English however tip toe. 

 

We’ve got a few ships in view

 

Yeah we saw the dinghy’s on Pay per View. I reckon it’s not a bad screen size. Can just see your boys doing a bit of a oh no 

 

That’s enough! We need to know about foreign submarines in these important waters 

 

You got any daughters? 

 

What?

 

I’m just making you drink clinkity clink. While we wait for the info to sink in. 

 

Can you repeat that Australia? I am having a hard time understanding the code. 

 

Yeah we made it up. All just new. We’ll send you the quantum key when the flea hits the toad and we know how to row. 

 

What on earth? 

 

The boats you know. Had a bit of session last night we decided to mix it up test our crew. Well I’ll be buggered they have lost the oh shit I think we played bingo with the 

 

Are you serious 

 

Who knew? ha. Just kiddin’. Well not really. But when they get out of bed, we’ll let you know. See, we’re pretty good at this it seems. See this hand? That hand? No clue. Not a fark of a quark to collide the joint ions and eons ago 

 

Blue! Blue! This isn’t funny we’re on a tight schedule 

 

Laughs 

 

Yeah, so are we. We’ll get back to you in ten. That’s code for Bo who is seriously, shit, pissing on your road show. spin a Proton or two, crack a few over the accelerator and we’ll be back with you in a mo. You’ll have to stay quiet or just hang back on the Contiki Go Low. BTW Can you send us over some 3D goggles for the Alice Camel 2k Pro?

Puts down phone laughs starts singing dancing. Strips to undies does it on long table, stripping off clothes as he goes. 

 

Song 

 

I’m too sexy for my Quark 

Too sexy for my Quark 

 

Too sexy 

Too sexy

By Far 

 

I’m a Crypto Model 

You know what I mean 

I do a little dance on the 

Yankwalk 

 

Yeah the Yankwalk 

Yeah 

We do a little dance for the 

Borons 

 

I’m a model 

You know what I mean 

I keep my little eye on the 

Sub…….marines 

 

I’m too sexy for this song 

 

Yank: I have no idea what is going on. 

 

Scene Four: 

 

Good looking man. Suit. 

 

Consistency is the very nature of our very serious business 

I was there you know in Tehran 

And again in Afghanistan 

In fact well I’ve been around 

I meld into whatever little scene 

Requires my cunning good fortune 

 

It’s the State 

Yes the State 

Or well that blurry little thing 

That seems to blend the financial with the military 

In a political chord 

Great orchard 

 

We like to pick and choose 

Grafting the best onto the most appropriate 

Scenario 

 

Things do change so fast 

Dear me 

Isn’t it terrible when it all goes 

Pear shaped? 

 

I mean the poor little pets 

And we do our best 

With the necessary funding 

So hard to see such 

Hardship 

 

But you have to in the end 

Think about Statecraft and 

Financial blend 

Yes blend 

 

We are not hear to impose our will 

But make sure freedom and democracy remain 

Forever……forever…….um forever 

Swell 

 

Because we all know how 

Consistent we can be 

Yes consistency is the ultimate 

End 

Unfortunately sometimes some people don’t know 

That 

But that’s not my problem. 

 

May I suggest a 

Belt and Road 

Not the frog and toad 

A little travel around 

Check out the new 

Condos 

Oh dear 

I can’t say much 

I am the very model of a model

Gentleman 

 

Did you check the threads?

Got this snipped at a barber 

Has a bar and a view 

Looking at nails

 

Now no need to get all hot and bothered 

About that little Palestinian fix 

We’ve got the solution

You just have to wait 

Until the agendas fit 

 

All in good time 

What there is no need to rush 

We may have Balfoured the whole declaration 

But we’ll get around to it in time 

 

There is negotiation and meetings 

A summit and a Dialogue 

Followed by an Accord and possibly an election 

Necessary human rights observers 

Of course 

 

We’ve got a few trails in the social media 

Organisations 

We’ll pull out a person 

That can front the whole thing

It is entirely organised and very much the thing

 

You won’t know what is happening

We cloud our fingerprints 

Just wait 

We’re onto it darling 

 

Everything takes time

Now sit back and don’t worry

It’s all just fine. 

 

I just have to remember 

Not to tell

Annabelle Crabbe

She’ll blab to Leigh in an instant

 

Perhaps Christiane or Anderson will do?

 

TBC

 

 

RASTA LAND

 

You need to apologise

 

Piss off

 

What was the problem down South? 

 

I can’t keep walking into your intell set ups. It creeps me out. 

 

We couldn’t have you sniffing around the sugar factories

 

Der

 

It was a test. You didn’t go back. 

 

It was a rekky. Besides, I made my point. If you are going to employ young men to do your dirty business, at least have them not treat the subject as a fool. Did you make me sick?

 

What? 

 

What is so interesting out there that makes you ensure a handler with me at all times?

 

I have no idea 

 

The Chinese don’t care about what I write.

 

Yes. They do. 

 

Dramatically Ooooh. That’s because it may not just involve the Chinese. 

 

I don’t 

 

That would be a problem. 

 

Silence 

 

The problem is inaccuracy 

 

There is nothing more beautiful than pulling the pieces together. What an interesting little place it is.

 

It was our opinion 

 

And all I can think about this week is, who can forget a program about my relatives just as I was investigating big interests in Australia. And you know the strange thing? The story was given to me by intelligence. I mean these yarns don’t drop out of the sky, do they? Now why would Intelligence who gave me the story then want my relatives to be discredited on Australian TV? It could be a tussle you see, between British vs American interests. I mean, you guys post-war have given it to the old guard, now haven’t you? Murdoch meeting Kennedy wasn’t a mistake. The Greeks taking charge. Tally Ho! It could be a desire to make someone committed to public information more of a, let’s say, privacy advocate. In that Roman Catholic sort of way. Or you were just testing me. Most likely. But funnily enough, it didn’t touch me. It never occurred to me that I should be worried. That I would actually care. Laughs You poor bastards. Must have spent months on that one. Cackles, shaking head You never have fucking understood the Irish have you. 

 

I have no 

 

Not a great story for Australian intelligence is it. Australia’s premier investigative public program using government funds to go after an investigative reporter? How are you going to spin it? 

 

We don’t

 

And just as you are going after China for state propaganda. 

 

Those are old 

 

No. I think anyone who sees themselves as part of an administration that actually cares about the Fourth Estate, would without a doubt, support an investigation into intelligence being used against democratic citizens. I mean, ordinary citizens. In Australia. Not paid by any foreign government. 

 

I think you need to think carefully about what you are 

 

This is Australian sport. This is the first week of the cricket at the SCG. Howzaaaaat dickhead. 

 

Walks out. 

 

—-

 

Backlit: Ethiopians covered in white shrouds off to Church. 

 

Well fucking next time I will call a press conference 

 

It wasn’t 

 

I step off the fucking plane and I have 20 million little idiots taking cell phone pictures every five minutes what the fuck is going on over there? I nearly decked the Chinese embassy witch that stood directly in my face and clicked away at that shitty little dive they throw us all into so they can intell profiles 

 

We have to have everyone there 

 

Can’t you see me on a fucking satellite? What the hell are you all doing? I mean fuck me have things not evolved?

 

How would you know. You don’t know anything except what we 

 

I do a pretty good job of not knowing anything, it has served me 

 

Not anymore 

 

Pause You want me to discuss military operations in Africa. Why would I do that? 

 

Because you love it. 

 

There is no evidence!

 

None? That’s unlike you my little Girl Scout. And entirely unbelievable. 

 

How could I possibly know anything without going to every other African state to really understand what is 

 

You don’t have time. Pauses What about the local concerns?

 

That’s a stupid thing to say. Manipulative rubbish.They need not to be poisoned by fucking residue from dirty bombs.

 

Pause There is a large African Union building. And a large UN building. 

 

What the hell does that mean? 

 

It means you should think about it. 

 

Oh thanks very fucking much. That’s extremely helpful.  I am sure the Ethiopians are greatly thankful they have had the white honkies and now the Chinese to set them on the right path to Haile Selassie Greatness. I’ll fucking let you know when to bring in the swarm of bees right before they lose all their water and end up swimming in a trickle as big as the fucking Liffey 

 

Wait. I think I see …wait no…yes! A person. She used to be…could be just an epiphany. 

 

Oh go fuck your cheesy balls. 

 

Goes to walk out, stops at door

 

And some think he was a traitor btw. 

 

Really? Selassie? My Google is doing good research these days. 

 

I got it from an ex-military cabbie

 

Allegedly 

 

Oh eat my muff cocksucker. 

 

Leaves. 

 

 

 

I’m not using local translators 

 

And how do you 

 

They are big fat liars and they stuck me in a tent full of naked women who looked like they wanted to cook me 

 

Well there are a few 

 

Now I have a giant red pimple on my arse and I am pretty sure some bastard convinced a spider to sit on my greatest asset and 

 

Probably wasn’t wise to start an argument with your guides ten minutes into the trip 

 

They’re a bunch of fucking liars 

 

It is called the State. They are your constituents. 

 

Oh yeah? What by editing as they translate and conveniently directing me away from the scene of interest? That’s called horseshit. Patronising horseshit. 

 

They were helping you. As I said, the issue of Chinese sugar factories 

 

Well what do you expect? You just carve out huge swathes of territory, leave the poor local bastards to just deal with it while claiming you are making sugar! If they are making sugar my arse is the Eiffel Tower 

 

Remember when we explained that statecraft and diplomacy was about nuances. About how we say things. 

 

You mean I’m not supposed to make a link between the shape of sugar factories and nuclear rod things 

 

Nuclear rod things. Fuck me

 

You know what I mean. Those long things you have when you make a plant. 

 

You didn’t go there. You cannot claim anything. The discussion is mute at this point. 

 

You mean it is a moot point. 

 

Don’t go developing an intellect it will kill me. 

 

Taps fingers 

 

So let’s assume that through my policy deliberations I advocated the very thing that I am seeing 

 

Oh glory! Could it be true! Reality has hit the tackled punk Echidna wearing dog hair in one of the wealthiest suburbs in 

 

It isn’t the wealthiest 

 

It isn’t the Bronx sweetie but besides that exactly our fucking point! You cannot be everything all at once like some deranged Liberace Kissinger offspring 

 

Why not? Washington is blue and red now that the Democrats have taken control of the 

 

Did you see things and what will you do about it? 

 

I’m not going to bloody tell you, am I! 

 

Seriously, I wouldn’t ask you to do anything, it would be like asking a pavlova to discuss Bitcoin 

 

What? 

 

Quelle surprise

 

You are asking me to reveal security details in a country I just visited without all the evidence. 

 

I’m not asking you at all! 

 

Why would I reveal it? 

 

I didn’t say you would reveal it. But surely you know, regarding the environment and things you have seen, contribute to an understanding of the larger picture 

 

Listen. If you want me to discuss strategic decisions being made that facilitate naval power by any which power, just say so. I just don’t know that A + B = C in this situation

 

Bullshit. 

 

The Frenchies 

 

Who?

 

Well they may have a different take on things. 

 

According to who? There is a big fucking US base inside the border. Just pull it together and give us a larger picture. Stop being cute. All that Christian crap got to your brain 

 

Here you have an early Christian country. They’re still poor. They’ve been fighting Eritrea and now..peace. They’ve struck it strategically lucky and actually I think 

 

If you want to be the benevolent woman at the centre of a Christian story you must decide that. Decide. 

 

I thought I was Sabine. 

 

Sighs 

 

You went there for a reason. We have a good idea why. Lose the cuteness and get your shit together. 

 

No-one asked you. 

 

No-one asked you. But we are dealing with it. Your highness. 

 

Good. About fucking time. 

 

 

 

Do you think she knows anything? 

 

Nothing. 

 

What can you glean from the pictures? 

 

Nothing. She hasn’t got a clue and I don’t think we should follow this down the 

 

Anyone can just have a look and discern for themselves. The stories of the relocations and 

 

There’s no proof. Why is she focussing on this and not what we handed her on a silver platter? 

 

Because if there is anything to her theory, it makes the whole security scenario a shit load more interesting. 

 

What more than pipes and dams and railways and sugar factories? It’s infrastructure. It is exactly what she was always banging on about.

 

Why does it trump houses and northern security imperatives? 

 

She’ll move West. Either connecting the energy, possibly South Sudan possibly Kenya. 

 

She’s a pain in the arse. Just let me know what she saw in Djibouti. 

 

Not much. Other than the new construction. She has nothing concrete. Ports. That’s it. 

 

Did she get to Niger? 

 

Nope. 

 

Hmm.

 

 

I think you are overplaying the downturn. 

 

Overplaying. Overplaying. 

 

You can’t honestly tell me that there is real economic trouble. Who wants it? 

 

No-one wants it. 

 

Are you ready to tell a large swathe of the great unwashed that economic hardship is what you wish them as you sit pretty on good investments and a roof above your head. Are you? I’m not. 

 

You sound like Pocahontas. We can’t control what happens. 

 

Yes. You can. Don’t do it. Don’t create something that will have major global repercussions and destroy little dumpy countries coming out from under the parapet. Don’t do it. 

 

I don’t know what you are talking about. 

 

No. But I am confident in your abilities to not punish people just keeping their head above water. Pauses Give them what they need. Surprise them. 

 

I thought you thought we were all water barons out to steal the water of the people

 

Smiles   You’re just going to have to find a way to give it back to them. Litigation in the courts over toxic residue. Imagine that global trend. 

 

What I always liked about foreign fields is that they were foreign. And the foreigners who went there were reliable. 

 

Brave New World. Must be frightening for the automobile club. 

 

Yes. Precisely. 

 

 

(Heads on grass, face up) 

 

Do you think I am some sort of Wharton figure? A sort of Howard’s End thing, not understanding the change in climate? 

 

I would never accuse you of not understanding a change in climate. I think you are confusing Remain’s of the Day with Howard’s End.

 

Well that depends on your reading. 

 

Have you done anything lately? Like read the Congressional reports? 

 

What would be the point of reading about how bad China is? If I’m not on the ground, it’s virtually pointless. When you’re on the ground, there are seventeen layers that suddenly come to you and soak into your skin and it becomes clear. Much clearer than say, looking at art in a book. You can see the brush and then you…and then you think about it until it becomes firm. I mean, if you were serious you’d be in Beijing anywhere just banging down business until you got the look in. 

 

There are plenty of podcasts. 

 

Yes, if you like the sound of your voice. It’s very self important isn’t it. I shall create a tableau of projects to add to my bow and thus remain eternally relevant. 

 

You’d love it. Gets up

 

Are you off to Japan? 

 

Yes. 

 

Well the skiing is going to be good. 

 

Excellent. Promise me you won’t hurtle into exotic domains and frighten the locals 

 

I promise to wear any interference lightly 

 

I don’t believe you 

 

Neither do I. 

 

No more striking either. 

 

No. No more facile lovers. 

 

Deal. They hug 

 

Get some new clothes. You’re malting. 

 

Oh it is my camouflage prior to mating. I’m a hedgehog you see. 

 

I don’t think you have a clue what you are talking about. I sat next to you in science in 7A. 

 

Smiles, cycles off 

 

 

 

The Lodge is not happy 

 

That’s like Jabba the Hut de-friending you. 

 

Yes but 

 

It is a tin humpy on a glorified piece of real estate. Prime Minister’s come and go.

 

I think 

 

Sorry are we talking about a message I got about Jackson Hole while staying in Jackson Street that has been coded to suggest that Canberra doesn’t think I will get a return on my services? Because that’s like using the term ‘climate change’. Or ‘global warming’. I got it the first time. 

 

And? 

 

And what? That could change in a second. People run countries. Not Prime Minister’s. 

 

I beg to 

 

Ah, in defence of the advisor. Always the most paramount interest don’t you think? 

 

Leader’s must be tested 

 

Humiliating an individual is just humiliation. Stop protecting yourselves. Protect the population. 

 

Taps finger 

 

What? I’m not going to discuss the camouflage in the North. Puts book down. What do they want me to say? ‘I saw men in camouflage that clearly are being trained by someone in an area known for demanding independence.’ Too subtle I imagine. 

 

Yes. 

 

Why do you want me to discuss it? I haven’t finished assessing the elements within the borders. 

 

Then if you could kindly do so.

 

If you tell me the benefit to the local population, I’ll discuss it. Do they get more money? Is it proxy power play by stealth? 

 

I thought you cared about lives. 

 

Exactly. You know the Balkans was broken up. Tell me, who has benefited? Albanians for sure. Have Western interests prevailed? What about the coastline? Who cares about Islamic lives if they are always the props used for the next move into a heartland? Yes. You heard me. 

 

Most journalists would kill for the knowledge you have. 

 

No. I don’t have knowledge. I have a sequence of events and certain evidence that suggests a whole range of security scenarios that someone wants me to write about. Either, to end my career or prop it up. Neither particularly helpful if you are trying to make the right decision. 

 

Perhaps they were trying to help you. 

 

When I can discern whether or not there is an asset of incredible military value inside the borders of Tigray, I will tell you whether or not I wish to discuss the independence issue. Now please leave me alone. You’ll have to cool those military heels for a bit. 

 

 

Is that it? 

 

It’s a cracker. Moscow and Ethiopia working together within the borders of the darling US child with direct flights to Washington? Hell yeah. Bloody love it. 

 

I mean, it is background. 

 

Who cares. Now that my friend, that my friend, that is a taste of a brilliant story. I’m telling you. 8% growth on top of everything else going on? 

 

I think you just caught your parents having sex. I am not sure everyone needs to know about it. 

 

You’ve got Chinese factories, sugar, an independence yarn, railway strait to the port, ‘energy pipeline’ to the coast. Popular PM, relocations, a massive new dam, a dead head engineer – shot in broad daylight – new African Union HQ, the UN, young population, Rasta heartland, Christian devotees and divine landscape. The shots would be spectacular. It doesn’t hurt that there are some fine photogenic individuals also around the joint. 

 

Get your tongue off the floor. 

 

But if ever there was an opportunity for the Holy child and Rasta 

 

I thought you were ushering in Marcus for Uncle. 

 

Multi-talented. Under renumerated. But multi-talented. 

 

I hear you bled like the Red Sea. Missed your opportunity it would seem. 

 

Oh not at all. Actually the politics of the Red Sea play into 

 

No. N-O. One at a time. Alright. Dig around. Present something coherent.

 

Moi? Cogent agent 99 at your service. 

 

Everyone just shoulder bump her this week. She’ll think you are African and our lives will be made infinitely more pleasurable. 

 

 

 

Do you think the women are going to make a difference? 

 

He’s building a bastard wall. have to. 

 

Is there some security issue I am missing? Is anyone using it for any other reason other than…..fleeing poverty.

 

Not that I know of. 

 

Well there has to be be something going on. You don’t build a wall because you want to. teenage boys have been detained and let go.

 

The usual. 

 

Nice. 

 

Always. 

 

Imagine those now dependent on the good graces of a new government. How many are we talking worldwide? 

 

Keep you on the straight and narrow. 

 

And the tentacles formidable. We’ll be a minority soon. 

 

Nah. Nothing more pleasurable than keeping the bastards honest. People love it. Keeps them alive. 

 

Yes but unless it changes policy and this heat is unbearable there is no bloody point. I’d say policy vacuum but I am allergic to it. 

 

Policy.

 

No, a vacuum.

 

 

 

Take it back 

 

Did anyone hear anything? I swear I heard 

 

You don’t know anything about Rome or Marcus, we are the tea bag. Not the sugar. Not the honey. The tea bag. 

 

You know I wonder about a society that likens it women to teabags. Don’t you? 

 

Cut it out. 

 

Nothing like a few historical references while you’ve got the British and the Yanks sailing their Perry dingy’s around the joint. Aren’t the Canadians railing against the Huawei bizzo oh quick while i am thinking of it, nice new episode of Pine Gap don’t you think? 

 

Your point? 

 

Moi? Nothing. Zeroooooo.

 

You’ve said zero about Huawei. 

 

What is there to say? Are we to be surprised that Canadian home owners like selling their houses to foreigners and opening their doors and then wait yes, try to reverse the policy once the power play is in. Funny. It reminds of another country. Somewhere. 

 

Not funny. 

 

Oh. My apologies. I wouldn’t dare point out that we are like most, financial mercenaries that enjoy the money but you know, on our terms. 

 

Look at the onerous loans that most of the world deal with when dealing with the other player. You can’t seriously compare it. It is not going to end well. You are protecting a power that 

 

That story isn’t finished yet so I am assuming a few more plot developments. I am assuming with the Islamic prisons in the West you have gone with a ‘the Chinese are the Germans’ scenario? Sorry, I seem to think about it in strategic terms. How silly of me. Fancy the Africans dealing with the Chinese. Must be disheartening after all you’ve done for them. 

 

I am just about sick of your little witticisms 

 

And I thought I was the tea bag. Are you running the human rights charge against the Chinese arrest? 

 

Naturally we are and you are the prime individual to benefit you pimply arsed moron because if we don’t fight it any discussion of what they are doing in Africa is going to be bloody difficult for you. Can you even conceive of how normal people have to operate in this landscape? 

 

I am extremely aware of all that has been done for me. The sex has been exhilarating. 

 

You don’t seem to understand 

 

I understand very well. Nothing like legal definitions when debating whether or not to endanger the lovely little folk of Asia. You know, one would have to ask what the Catholics believe in. Filipinos and Mexicans. You know, first they are bastardised by the Spanish, then the Americans, then they exit post haste for wealthy countries so they can actually survive. And then, they await deliberations from lawyers about whether or not they might survive geo-political competition. 

 

You know you are in no position to judge.

 

Precisely. But let’s think about it for a moment this week while we’ve parade around with our ‘capability’. Everyone hates Duterte. But I hear him talk a lot of sense. If they stuff it up, like Taiwan, they might have a bit to lose. Something other countries in the region with more favourable geography might think about.

 

Being a contrarian serves no purpose.

 

I have to disagree. 

Torch Song Trilogy

 

Why do you do these things? 

 

I don’t fuck up with love sweetie. I love long and hard. I mean look at how I have loved. Endlessly. Breathlessly. But I fuck up sometimes. We all do. 

 

Just try having a bit of consistency. 

 

What so I can die bored? Have you advised on foreign policy my little James Perse t-shirt? I don’t think so

 

Know one will ever know or remember you. There won’t be a statue in Belconnen precious. 

 

And for that we can all be thankful. I’m back already. I wrote this. So that was like four minutes. 

 

Your rebound ability is….concerning. 

 

 

 

Why aren’t you there? 

 

Who do I work for? 

 

US

 

Thrusting yourself into geo-political realities without a brief. I want to hang out with the boys and have a baby. Moses. No, Gwyneth has that. Milo Viggo. Hep Milo Viggo? 

 

A child named after a disease. Excellent. Typical. Oh your Kate….naturally. No ‘Burn.

 

Joan of Arc syndrome. 

 

Yes. You have a brief. 

 

That’s what you all keep inferring but I am not convinced. You want me to be useful but invisible. In a Freddy Mercury sort of way. 

 

Do you want to be visible and on trial? 

 

What for? Crimes against fashion? 

 

Just take your photos and be creative 

 

Madonna with iPhone. 

 

Think. Once you’ve seen the Syrians and the Yemenis you’ll actually understanding suffering 

 

Shut the fuck up. 

 

We are not asking you to write the definitive history on a country 

 

No, those military sons of

 

They don’t have time for Bette at the Baths. 

 

They need it.

 

Oh I am sure they do. I’ll be sure to put you on the desert entertainment roster. How about Norway? I hear you like the cold. 

 

Only because it makes things that are already small that much smaller. Easier to dige

 

Hiding out here isn’t going to change anything 

 

I’m not hiding. I’m waiting. 

 

You’re hiding, like a purple elephant in a sequinned kaftan 

 

I’m waiting. I’ll wait.

 

Turns away 

 

 

 

Do you really think calling out Joe is a good idea? 

 

Magnificent idea. Fat Boy Slim in with the int crowd? Ergh. Imagine if you weren’t me. And you couldn’t do anything about the fact they were stuffing with you. I mean, just imagine that for five seconds. Little bastards. 

 

You don’t have to imagine actually 

 

They know me, I know them. They expect it. It is a robust relationship. 

 

Mmm

 

It’s different for me. 

 

You are almost in another category. A far far away laaa

 

And what are you going to do to a kid who has stuffed up? We need get these kids out of jail. Not bloody create new crimes. Jesus fucking hell. While some of these twitter Cardinals were getting drunk and whoring I was studying if I remember 

 

I am not sure Doris, you were 100% Day  

 

Well Nelson, Tupac, I am not sure your little outfit is 100% clean 

 

Racial violence isn’t picking Libertine over Celine 

 

I have to walk in a hundred ugly uncomfortable shoes and you get to have kids and name them something exotic 

 

Grasps hand If you don’t understand that we are trying to help you 

 

There are millions of ways to help. You just have to be human and pick the right one. 

 

Pulls hand and walks away 

 

 

So the elections are close

 

Yes 

 

Do you have anything to say

 

What, other than vote? 

 

You don’t think 

 

It isn’t my country 

 

People need to feel that the world around them reflects them 

 

The world is a complicate mish mash of people of various ideals and competing aims. Words don’t change lives 

 

They do 

 

Really? And people on the ground working hard every day to help someone realise their potential and make their surroundings 

 

So you think hip hop 

 

Oh GOD I think I have expressed what I believe to be important and not only that, have tried to be a part of a world that I might never see. Beyond that, it turns into narcissistic demagoguery 

 

So, what do we need leaders for? 

 

Are we not done yet? I really really just need a month of pedicures 

 

You’ve had your beauty fill darling you are maxed out on that score, try again.

 

What do you want me to say? Investigation takes 

 

You have it. 

 

I get tired from the inputs. They are too weird 

 

Oh so strangers need to talk to you sincerely now 

 

Whatever

 

Well

 

The mirrors are…odd. Inaccurate. It takes time.

 

Reality is inaccurate. People in dire circumstances don’t have your time.

 

Fortress survival isn’t a rave 

 

Be yourself.

 

I am myself. 

 

You’re not going slowly because you are slow 

 

OK I do things very slowly because every decision I make may be the wrong one. So I prefer to hang out in nature. Have I fulfilled my criteria today? Are the Catholics using this in a manual? 

 

That’s not something you need to know. 

 

I really don’t see how everyone knowing my life can add to anything. I’ve kept it as unremarkable as possible. 

 

And you think this is a strategy? 

 

Who cares about strategy? 

 

You do. 

 

Did. Past tense. 

 

That is for me to decide. 

 

sighs

 

It’s none of your fucking business. It is my internal life and it is precious. It is mine. This waves hand this is mine. If you own my movements and my internal thoughts just by the very nature of reflecting them into the world, then you can’t be too concerned with the sacred profane acts of every day. I do not take pictures of a newborn baby without consent and share them with the world.

 

Unfortunately, you still do not understand what this is about. 

 

You are right. But I do know, based on this affair, you have the power to claim that everyone is a threat whose personal life is a public issue. And you and I know that is dangerous and wrong.

 

We’re protecting you. 

 

Why then does it feel like a violation of all that is sacred? 

 

You can talk to a few conflict survivors. I am sure they can discuss this with you at length. We’re done. 

 

Walks out 

 

 

 

Fucking refugee camps 

 

Oh look Theresa is tired 

 

What do they do anyway? 

 

Not today 

 

Do you think the drug companies fund that shit? 

 

Oh lord of mercy Saint Theresa has decided to save the great masses 

 

I wonder how they pick the locale 

 

As if you would know

 

The Puerto Rican’s would be so happy about Zika. Zika. then the hurricane. What is God’s name did the Puerto Rican’s do to anyone? 

 

About the same as retirees in California. 

 

It makes me feel like one of the blessed. Did you see that kid on St Jude’s? I couldn’t. I swear one day The Holy Goddess of Justice is going to revive those poor bastards on the periphery of America’s grandeur. It is going to sweep them up in its large hands and give them mountains and rivers and gold. Someone is going to look after that tribe. So help me god, it is going to turn. 

 

They had MINT. 

 

Starts with the Mother honey. It is all about the Mother. 

 

How do you know? 

 

Octavio Paz says so. And I am with him. 

 

Red Sea

 

So why are there so many bases? Seems inefficient for a bunch of politicians who wish to single handedly rouse the people from their mortal impoverishment.

 

The Red Sea

 

Yeah I got that. What is this an international bazaar for powerful types? 

 

It isn’t the first place to have multiple

 

So, should I assume Sudan has something to do with this or will I just let the people learn about it in 2050

 

I’d let the people 

 

I thought so. Big plane pics today. How are we to assume that anyone can challenge that military pie? Can you spin that today for me or shall I swim in the river of Democratic baptismal waters 

 

Huck you can do what you please. Moving your arse would be a start. 

 

Yes. Well, when one wants to sift through the African continent, it isn’t exactly a join the Dora dots. 

 

How challenging for you. 

 

No. Challenging for you. 

 

You know most adults actually grow up and stop asking questions that even for five year olds are a little rhetorical 

 

I don’t think they are rhetorical. They are simple questions that highlight the necessity of purpose.

 

There is purpose.

 

Oh I know. Niger. I wonder…

 

You know

 

Hmm. Do I? I’ve always appreciated the way forces can simply spread themselves over the globe while accountants give us oppression narratives to distract us. I mean, if I was a woman and I wanted more money for say, green bits in non-green bit areas, do you think you’d be corralling me to save the poor people or allowing me to monitor your movements 

 

We can’t help how you use your time. Complaining about information seems a little beneath you 

 

Yes, I guess the life sciences and some of that particle stuff really is where I should be at. 

 

We can help you 

 

Oh seriously. I’ve seen how that has worked in the last 20 years. What will this one look like? Will he be real or a clone? 

 

Too much TV for you. 

 

Well that’s what happens when you ostracise politicise canonise 

 

Oh Lordy, Dolce and Gabbana did do this a few seasons ago 

 

When you decide that can offer me one person to make love to, that doesn’t work for the outfits and isn’t going to take me to the cleaners, I’ll know you are serious about government. And other things. Until then, you are pretty much on your own. 

 

Actually I think

 

Don’t. It hurts. 

 

MMm. 

 

Goodbye. Bye bye minion. 

Fanny Blown

 

 

 

I am not sitting around getting my fanny blown by a bunch of well renumerated GI dolls if I can’t get in a fucking plane

 

Not everyone your highness, is allowed anywhere near the new F35

 

That’s not the point. I want to

 

You are here to unite the people and give them hope and happiness and a future and quite frankly this desire to keep up with an industry that is far beyond you

 

Beyond me? Beyond me? It isn’t beyond me, it is top secret so none of us know anything and we have to hand over the purse like some granny tapped for anyway I AM a GI, I am EVERYONE, I am the chessboard

 

Chess, you don’t make me laugh you wouldn’t know a castle from a Queen

 

I am a Queen! I love Queen!

 

If you would just read something, it would give you context

 

I am not going blind because those bastards want me to spend my life reading up on material that they could tell me in five seconds and probably read on the toilet wall at fucking first year Duntroon

 

If you picked up

 

To endure Balkan bone heads at the local pub. They always pick the girls that think they are the smartest in the room. Like, street smart. ‘Look I am all street cred! And look at my ars-e moves bro! And no-one knows I am acting!’ Can’t wait to see them in 25 years.

 

Oh you’re an expert now. The ambulating anarchist

 

Laughs For me to find out whether or not people are being affected by major decisions, I have to know shit.

 

One sideways glance from the wrong person and you are gushing river of self pitying tears Princess

 

I am not

 

You are too so

 

You shouldn’t know that

 

Well I do

 

Well I am going to chuck brown eyes as long as it takes for you people to look the other way.

 

We’re never going to look the other way so suck it.

 

I’m going to get you back

 

No you are not

 

Yes I am. And you better watch out because you’re gunna be jealous

 

We are never ever jealous

 

Yes you are

 

No we are not

 

You are you just can’t admit it! I am so fabulous you don’t know what to do with me!

 

We do!

 

No you don’t! You just turn it into stories that don’t make sense!

 

What? What? You’re practically invisible!

 

Compared to the curated masses I am a screaming art piece

 

You are a misanthropic

 

A miserable

 

Maladroit

 

Opportunistic

 

Phlegmatic

 

Narcissistic

 

Bird brained

 

Malevolent schemed

 

Socio

 

Manipulating violating

 

Ovulating

 

Paranoid

 

Petulant android

 

Actively

 

Patronised

 

Over renumerated

 

Duly compensated

 

Incredibly talented

 

Wastrel vagrant

 

Together:

PAIN IN THE ARSE/BUM

 

Yes I am. And I got a big one so I am not going anywhere

 

Stomps out

 

Says quietly to no-one

 

Turn that arse around and cover it with cloth and we’ve got the Barbie Virgin Mary. I’d almost prefer it.

 

Head in hands. Tosses paper off desk

DNA

 

 

So you’re thinking about it, the genetic editing the editing of the genes, the possibility of injecting my tela – as it were – with something some that alters my DNA the DNA that no-one has asked me for not even slightly asked can we please use this?

 

No it is an innocent sample not question but

 

Just a sample

 

As the tick borne disease ravishes and makes meal of those lured by the shimmering sea

 

I’d consult a map

 

Quickly.

 

Anyway, they’re onto it I mean not me per se but the whole notion of it, the whole attempt to map us so that they can find ways to alter the chromies I mean, it starts with animals it is a good way to start but as to the regulatory nature of the project, the regulation per se it ain’t nothin’ but the railroads and my thought it, my though as good as any, is that they ain’t thinkin’ about us.

 

Cause let’s think about it.

 

I mean, if they have autistic schools sittin’ on contaminated old sites and they have schools right next door I mean on top of them schools then I have to say, and there is a right way to say it, they ain’t thinkin’ about us, right?

 

They’re thinkin’ about the strategic value of strategic assets right near a school helps you know. I mean, you bomb a school and you got a human rights problem so might as well bury that stuff, whatever that stuff be, right near a school under a school and then there it is.

 

There it is.

 

They paint the roofs cause I can’t tell you that but I can tell you that because it is all part of the program, all part of the insurance, the international insurance that lets them know, lets them all know, what deep down low black as hell stuff is burning the ground while frozen at this time but the energy that is, the energy later, the potential to blow the shit out of anything.

 

I dunno. Sounds sort of iffy to me if you were say, doin’ a paper on leadership like they want you to do, to write about being a leader when all the school captains and prefects know about this shit and haven’t said shit about the health repercussions the lungs black and tarred and death becomes them but sure as shit the school captains have said no shit.

 

Makes no sense.

 

What is the point of the leadership debating club in the first place? Turned their eyes as quick as they could didn’t bring it to light no did not bring it to light and the same white trash honkies filling those military stockings probably the first to go down with something that science could fix yeah science could fix.

 

That and rearranging the school playgrounds.

 

Hey Mum, drop me off would yah?

 

Yeah, go play near a toxic dump site, you’re gunna love what the army does with those figures!

 

Right royal 50’s family fun fest that little fucker.

 

But hey, they iz just white trash honkies and nothing like good old white and back trash to die knowing that they got good money doing the slave shit of some pimped out whore citing the commie threat to get them some Washington skin on skin taut and tight as the muscles of the GI blowing for Jesus.

 

Get your arse to the Yellow Hordes yeah why don’t you look at what the yellow hordes doin’

 

Well if you let me do my job I’ll be there in a flash honey but first I haven’t finished with you getting Daddy to buy you all the latest toys while getting enough greenback for the latest iPhone and hiding it all yes hiding it all the legality quite the thing

 

Oh quite the thing

 

Because you love legal things oh yes you do Boston Legal, Legal Eagles, Legal Legal and Ginsburg and to think, not a legal thing to be done that’s right you heard me, not a legal thing to be done because you are above it all and in the quiet in the death quiet night this will be discussed by the debate team carefully and slowly not one kid going to the schools seeping through the slick black trash thrown around so we can all drive Hummers through the streets on 4th of July

 

That’s worth a fuckin’ red blu and white ribbon

 

I’d curl it but these strange tales got me curdlin’ at the bit

 

Not sure how the values fold. Catch my drift? I mean, you sure as hell care for the kids now, it sure as hell ain’t year of the kid but as long as you got that GI Joe thing all straight and proper and you got those roofs painted and you got those things buried far underground well, no-one would know now would they?

 

Oh purely imaginary I mean, you’re not one to discredit anyone

 

The hallway statues not ones to discredit anyone

 

Not to stoop that low no

 

Not to stoop that low.

 

Fuckers.

 

 

And it brings me to the word discrimination it is too long it is too refined that word to explain the black and purple hits that no-one sees the unseemly collusion at the heart of extraction because extracting you from your every human DNA is what they are doing oh yes they are

 

Like a diseased cell they extracting you from what they think to be the very perfect model of a model citizenship

 

Except they didn’t ask me in the democracy what that model of democracy was

 

Which means it ain’t.

 

Comprondez?

 

Societal flagellation blood and bruised there ain’t no-one to pick you up when these grey behind the sceners decide they want you out

 

Or bleedin’

 

And I can thank my lucky stars the compassionate middle class look elsewhere concerned that they don’t want a scene an ugly scene and that would be hard for them to articulate

 

The meanness of it all

 

But they live in nice houses so

 

It is all just peachy.

 

 

Well it just came down on me

 

I mean just fell about me

 

The meanness of it, the unrelenting stupidity of it all

 

Meaningless conversations, unrecognised acts, selfish little pricks looking on while they tear it apart but mostly

 

really mostly

 

That there was no-one.

 

it didn’t fucking matter because they could keep doing sheer acts of bastardry bastards

 

And no-one will say shit.

 

So I had my moment. Fell about heaving sweat and vomit in the utter vileness of it all

 

The utter ugliness of it, the sawn off ripped apart bitch of it

 

You were a piece of trash and they could fuck with you whenever they liked

 

Not one fucking Catholic capable of coming to the party

 

Not one so called independent journalist fighting the good fight

 

No, they were spectators in your misery and they did not give a shit.

 

Incredible.

 

These are the people handed the keys to rule the world

 

Not to be fucking trusted.

 

 

Oh but they want to save you

 

Don’t save me please

 

All infantile maliciousness

 

I don’t want your saving.

 

Besides, you’ll only find a reason not to save someone else so

 

I am not sure we can be friends.

 

You’re too busy looking cool

 

For me to bother really.

 

 

What the fuck goes through these people’s head

 

Fuckin’ nothin’.

 

 

How can a person be a leader with fricatives?

 

Sure as shit male Presidents have sworn like wild turkeys

 

Didn’t expose that did you

 

No you did not.

 

Just us the little chick handed the chalice of turdom

 

And the important men still airbrushing their grubby little misadventures

 

Baffin Bay fuckers

 

Like you’re gunna get away with that.

 

 

Cuomo is gunna study why the cancer rate is so high

 

Chortle chortle

 

Oh that’s funny

 

Real funny

 

Nothin’ at all to do with the buildings near the river

 

Oh god no

 

No

 

How could that possibly be

 

I’d throw some money at the problem

 

And cover that shit up.

Ah Ms Savage

 

Ah Miss Savage, back from the tropics.

 

Is that meant to be funny? 

 

Good to see you’ve tempered that irrational urge to verbally accost poor long suffering DSD 

 

Don’t they get paid to listen in to my witty 

 

Not what we call them.

 

Oh, yes I guess those that are busy obfuscating the link between

 

You haven’t convinced me that  

 

Do you want me to colour in the maps where cancer clusters occur 

 

You haven’t collated the statistics yet 

 

No. I’ll just visit them in the beautiful corridors 

 

Oh dear. Not the State again

 

Yeah, you know the one that fails to investigate paedophilia in its own hallways but manages to give out Walkley’s to journalists that investigate it in a Church. The difference being that the Church is trying to be accountable. Our Democracy Mormon Door Knockers aren’t. How much did our poor darling little boys get for their toys this year? 

 

As you know, until ships can be built out of recycled paper 

 

But I though that is what the military was for! Innovation. Advanced capability. 

 

I thought you decided we were an autocracy 

 

I don’t think the people are in control of the State, if that is what 

 

Social media has proven a 

 

A boon for military technology

 

Not always. Social behavioural 

 

A wonderful little diplomatic foot solider is going to do a documentary in 60 years telling us how horrible it was. Oh big fucking Walkley there. 

 

Are we in Canberra or Washington? 

 

Doesn’t matter does it? 

 

I thought you were all about China

 

I thought you had some morals 

 

You don’t seem the least bit interested 

 

And who am I going to talk to? The walls? The last idiot I spoke to in Washington practically spat at me 

 

He probably didn’t like fricatives 

 

Oh but behavioural experiments 

 

It is not your business 

 

It is my business. Whatever you do, those dodos in my part of the world will follow your dumb arse lead 

 

They don’t actually 

 

What?! South East Asia? India? They do whatever they bloody please! 

 

What would you know 

 

The last month has had me down with Lyme some bloody invented infectious disease where did that come from and what are you using it for? The immune systems response to…and 60 off my bloody dog!

 

Your poor dog.

 

What is with the cancer centres?

 

So glad you can join our biomedical conversations with so much knowledge 

 

If I so much as get a whiff that anyone has died because you idiots thought it was more important to scrape something into a Petri dish than save a life 

 

Science has always tested the limits 

 

What with prisoners and prostitutes that weren’t even told what they were injected with! Jesus almighty 

 

You don’t know what the rules are because you don’t know enough about this subject

 

I won’t even start about the Army fucking me over in the mountains or the fact that I dare say a few of those bloody 

 

You don’t know that.

 

That’s right. I don’t I’ll have to work it out my bloody self because you bought all the intelligence crew off!

 

I think you should calm down and think about your subject

 

Oh that’s really nice that’s 

 

I no longer can follow what you are 

 

What are you going to say to those kids when they grow up without parents because 

 

I don’t think that pollution has yet be proven to 

 

Oh I bet if China does it, it will be considered an international disgrace. 

 

It must be overwhelming coming from a small country and they are not malign, you misunderstand what we are

 

A small country a small

 

You’re wrong, people do listen, you just have it all arse up as per usual 

 

And I am being accused of being AWOL when pollies have been AWOL for years!

 

That’s not true 

 

If I find out that the Democrats had an opportunity to save people’s lives with environmental legislation and voted against it, I am going to town. 

 

Good luck. Just beware of falsely accusing people when 

 

You practically signpost everything you do to each other so stop pretending that revealing information is a big fucking deal. You live off the sensitive information you swap

 

We are trying to save you

 

You are not trying to save me. You are trying to discredit me so your lover or your child some idiot can rise up the ranks and look like a cocksucking brown nosed idiot 

 

That is not true actually, you are doing yourself a grave dis 

 

And do not try that man bites dog crap. Democracy dies in the darkness. Oh you make me puke

 

Oh…Could you be a bit more pleasant? There are factors here

 

Before or after you put me in a sauna and I die childless you puss-pussied wormhole 

 

Oh for goddsaake…

 

Eight years you 

 

hope you can make a lightweight t-shirt out of it for the Syrians 

 

Arsehole

 

Yes. For a minute there one might have had the strange sensation that you were above grubby politics. Good that you still have a modicum of self-awareness. Remember. We have the tapes. 

 

Oh blow it out your arse. It’s not the fucking Rose Garden 

 

No. Quite. 

 

Fanny Blown

 

Vladimir Putin i/v 

 

Dressed in black ball gown, converse and jewels. tiara.

 

Pootie Pootie Pootie

 

Hello 

 

Vladimir! How do I look? Do I look tragically morosely Russian but with a fire pit of hell? I’ve always wanted to me a stuffed Russian President before he dies. Are you on the same thing as Lenin? That sure is some sheep placenta. Puffy. But nice. Classy.

 

I am the Russian President.

 

Nah, you the KGB. With executive perks. You so sexy in that rich Russian sweaty sort of way. Let me hold your cheeks.  Oh like the skin of new born babies fleeing to London on a private jet. Do you have a private jet? Wait. Kosmos. Kismet. Ruskva. Vodka. 

 

This is no time to be playing games. We are busy making sure our deals hold up. 

 

Vat vatch? Oh deals. You mean I takka the Ukraine? Didn’t you have enough in Chechnya? Breadbasket me. Not Ukraine. 

 

You don’t know what you are talking about. These are complex times. 

 

Sure are. You Mussie and Israeli threesome baby! You’re with the hordes in the UN. That’s some Russian spirit. Can I St Petersburg you? I have a rose garden and some expensive art that someone stole from someone stole from someone and now I trade for 

 

No. You cannot. Politics is complex. 

 

How? The ice melts, you ship things, we eat penguin slushies presto, you iz ruining my Century. Ah no aya lake it.

 

Is that your Russian accent? 

 

Maybe. A regional consort of non-denominational determination. 

 

You mean non-determined denomination. 

 

Same thing. Not until 2040 darling. We are not the enemy.

 

You want to Arctic me? 

 

What do you know about icebreakers? There are no penguins in the Arctic. 

 

Canadian sheep? 

 

No no 

 

DNA love muffin Fluffy Trudo!!  All that and more sweaty palms. You have hairdryer under the sea? You want money? I give you money. We go havies in big ship.  I give you Europe, you give me Arctic. We have a deal? 

 

You know nothing 

 

I Repin your Sorov heart Pootie. Where you put Mikhail Gorbeybarishnakov? He was a great political dancer. Marry Jessica Lang and poof! The country no more. No more Soviet. 

 

We are dealing with serious accusations. We no steal no erection. We have our own. 

 

Oh darling, you take me to your Arctic, I marry you cheap cheap! What you do with the ice. Stoli Ice not so nayyyyce Vladeeeeemmmiiiirrrr. Tell me, what you do with the Passage? We can Eurasian Passage together, make video as one, together in a big European Wet Dream. Come to Masha, but no hanky panky with ze nerve agent. We need ze Great Purple Mussel compos 

 

The Australian rock? 

 

Sort of. Changes colour depending on who climbed it that day. 

 

I have palacinki with Xi. Too busy.

 

Oh you so human Vladimir. A sweaty sub session in the Barents we were born to match maker. Nuclear, Carter, you and me.

 

You have a degree? 

 

Um, what Celsius today? Climate change mineral base. No sweaty Perdis for me. 

 

I have to Syria. 

 

You Kurilled the Japs?  Does Andre know?

 

Who? 

 

If you don’t know Andre I take Siberia back. No fashion clueless get near a woolly mammoth Fendi /19

 

I have no idea 

 

Listen. Stop. No-one wants your poison. It was best-seller years ago but people moved it.  We have circumspect understated oils that don’t hysteradicate pets. Don’t try to biological me. I’m not a nerve agent. 

 

But 

 

Yelling What I want is a new NK retina!!! Softly stroking his face So we can fleece paparazzi at aerodrome biological security. I don’t want Bruno find me again. He’s a real pain and wants US Alan Greenberg.

 

I can’t

 

Don’t tell me Dolph Lundgren what you can’t do with that Fat Boy! Lipo easy! No more borin’ stompy parades! I want Men In Black run beside BMW on way to complex. It’s me! It’s me! Waves hand as if out window Do they have Dior? 

 

No DMZ, 

 

But I packed it. Luck with me.  And hydration IV before we fly fly. We get me some new tooshies before Rodman finds out. Oh and if you see Gerard sea walrus, no camera. We’ll be unfollowed on Instagrammatical.

 

Not in North Korea dumpling. Not in North Korea. 

 

It Ain’t Dulles.

 

 

Yeah tariffs, who knew. 

 

So I went to one of the tariff hearings.

 

I mean, I would have liked to go to all of them really. But I don’t live in DC and it was really hot and stuff. And I hate sitting down so….you know.

 

I was more excited about a pic in front of the teamsters office. Jimmy Hoffa’s son still runs the joint!!

 

Incred-ibelie-bo

 

Lucky I didn’t head down to the Baltimore dock and Wire me up some water/air samples. Because that is going to make me popular. 

 

However, back to the pencil skirt and pad stuff. Is one day of hearings enough to get an idea of the proceedings here? 

 

No. 

 

That said, here is what Bobble Head learnt from listening to people support or not support the tariffs: 

 

—  it would be a real drag if you setting up a biz and your cheap manufacturing base was suddenly taken from you. 

 

— the idea is that alternatives are to be found in the US. As in, source it somewhere here people. That was BIG. YUGE.

 

— Um, some people were coached by their Chinese company owners so that wasn’t popular. See cranky frowns from USTR dude/ettes on the other side.

 

— There was one or two people that were in support of the tariffs. Majority not. 

 

— There is a mink trade in this country? You are kidding me. 

 

— The problem seemed to be with the definition of goods that were deemed to involve ‘technology’ transfer and intell property. Most seemed to think their products not in anyway able to be used for dual tech purpose. 

 

— Well…….there was a really interesting chemical company and what they do I am not really sure but involved chemicals and fertiliser and, my bet is that one is as colourful as flock.

 

Oh what I wouldn’t do if I could find out the shell company and the parent company and then the shipping codes and then the merchandise and then what was delivered….oh yeah.

 

But that is totally unsubstantiated so I am not going to be Alan Jones.

 

Today.

 

Anyway, the upshot here is: 

 

—  like the Hurricane, the whole thing was downgraded so you know, 10% and all that. 

 

 — it would be really good to be in Washington because then you would know stuff. 

 

— Don King has been asked to tone down both Serena’s PR and China/US biffo because it is currently looking like receipts are coming directly from the prospect of biff as opposed to actual biffo. 

 

Serena didn’t even touch her.

 

Why was she crying? 

 

OR: nothing like a good old trade fight to stir things up and forget the Endless Wars.

 

Comprendez peeps? 

 

That’s The Weekly Brief for the Briefless.

 

Next, we look at why Mussies are being shipped off to islands by Buddhists who revere a monk who says we have to be actively politically engaged. 

 

Thanks DL.

 

OZ

 

So let me get this straight. A non-descript hollowed faceless hunchback back stabbed an underperforming environmental Star Prime Minister before a bland party blow hard won the title before an apoplectic drought stricken outraged audience? 

 

Correct. 

 

And, how does that win us ratings? 

 

Oh not us Madam. The swill of confected opinion combined with shrill personality politics raises vital multiple layered questions about democracy, rule and the people and forces us into timely discussions about the nature of politics and the media. 

 

I see. And how does it…….do that? 

 

Well we talk a lot about the talk that was given before they talked a bit about talking the talk about ruling you see. 

 

I thought people were annoyed with Malcolm’s about face on climate and the environment and you slipped through the Huawei decision on the same day thus attempting to divert the populace from more unseemly commentary about China creating destabilising factors for any government attempting to wield influence. Could that be correct? 

 

I have no idea what you mean Madam. That seems completely fanciful. 

 

You’re calling me a fantasist? 

 

No Madam, not at all. Of course not. I mean, that could be a clever interpretation but fails to understand the chaotic nature of government and thus that ultimately, the way we tend to run things. 

 

The chaotic nature of government. My government is not chaotic. 

 

No Madam. Of course not but you see the problem is 

 

What is the problem? As I see it, they are elected, paid and confer with the best minds in the world to govern accordingly. What is it they can’t manage to establish? A desire for stability or pleasing the electorate? 

 

The issue of environmental 

 

We are all very clear on the green issues of the day. It has spawned and inspired numerous hessian bags some of which breathe and have hair but are still wonderfully and woefully dependent on fashion’s ability to hide most of human natures genetic stuff ups in suitable camouflage. There must be something else that you are failing to tell me 

 

No Madam. The media have been waging a war against the former Prime Minister and 

 

No-one wages a war unless they has been agreement to wage a war so again, was Lucy simply bending to outside forces or did she want to leave? A Hughes does not leave office unless they wish to leave office. Did Lucy wish this upon us? 

 

I can’t answer that Madam. Of course I cannot rule out that they may one day return or that in actual fact the chaos that now prevails is something that serves the people 

 

I can’t see how it serves the people. It looks ridiculous. Where are we in Afghanistan and what about the Indonesian free trade agreement? 

 

Well that I am not sure about 

 

Could anyone down there please let me know as the Uighur situation, as you know with the Americans they are ramping up the prison scenario 

 

We are paying close attention to that Madam, I promise you 

 

I fail to see how you would be as it is not in your sphere of influence however along with the Malaysian outburst by Recalcitrant I imagine there are still a few things on the South East Asian periphery 

 

The issue of the Rohingyas 

 

Oh yes, deported to a small island to be routinely revolved by international agreements soon to take place I take it? 

 

Madam. I am not sure I would put it like that, if we were to be a little more circumspect 

 

Feel free to use any terminology that doesn’t cause you to lie awake at night fretful as to the dire circumstances of the great unwashed. Proceed. 

 

We are aware of the…….dire situation of the Rohingya and along with the refugee issues, are at once solidifying our relations with the Pacific and the ASEAN community and as you know have close working groups that are concerned about the large debts that are incurred when port projects 

 

The Sri Lankan issue has been well documented 

 

Yes but along with Bangladesh and the Pakistani corridor 

 

Enough, I see. What has been the discussion on the Papal agreement? 

 

Well, at the moment it is just an agreement and as to the credibility of reports 

 

Is there a time line? 

 

I can’t say at this minute 

 

First Aung and now Francis. The hallways must be howling 

 

Quite right Madam although to be fair what occurs is always of use as you know 

 

A howling football are the cadres of interest. Conversion? 

 

We are working on that now. 

 

Good. I do hope Harry gets to meet a feral wombat in Dubbo. He’ll understand the politics immediately. We’ll find Meghan floating down the Macquarie on a tube with any luck.

 

As long as she is not naked on a horse, Madam.

 

A horse. Precisely. And a rain dance. 

 

Rain dance? 

 

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