Hilde, can you send a letter to The Emperor? He’s not happy at the moment
Dear Papa, oh too patronising. Cloying even. Um… Dear Your Lordship, it has come to my attention that you are not happy with the recent subs decision. It might be a bit late to play that card but I do understand. Rachel Carson has a little on her plate at the moment but if you can wait I am sure we can attack some small matters like what happened to Eleanor, why Albo is leader and that dickhead ephemera called a voice to parliament. What did I miss? Sounds like washing up detergent. Don’t be mad. The wanton bagpipe yodel cast a spell. I think. Love Ag.
Slides a letter onto a silver platter
She paces the room
What did he say?
I’d rather not repeat it.
Rips open letter
‘Fuck off. ‘ Oh. Seriously. He really is mad. I hate it when he gets like this. He is verbally obtuse.
Is that what you call it?
Thrusts another letter into her hands.
What does it say?
‘I think that is very unkind. You are an overgrown Asiatic hog that needs to remember I have never been to a Chinese banquet.’
What does that mean?
I am not sure but it sounds impressive. He is very difficult. Go.
Hilde returns. She rips open letter.
‘Princess, let me know when you might feel it necessary to fight for the issues you opine on so easily. I’ll be here with a little texta to show you the causal link between footwork and policy. You are not shy. Get going bugalugs. At this rate the only thing we’ll be filming is Chitty Chitty Bang Bang. As I said, take a leap into asinine mediocrity. You belong there.’
So loving. Really. He loves to rail me the bastard. There is no degree of separation. You could almost swear we shared bog Irish lots.
Hilde, quickly send this back.
‘Listen, Emperor, I don’t have time to hear you slag me off, what is the next legislative necessity we need to chat. Unless you’d prefer to watch people take coal from the ground and then 20 years later complain. What happened? Miss two decades? That’s unlike you Edward Scissorhands. Drop the proclamation of innocence. Any pictures of you feasting near the povo’s in China? Mention Ang at all? Love Ag.
Do you two think it might be quicker just to pick up a telephone? FaceTime? We have that now.
No. I don’t want him anything less than glorious. Don’t ask me to explain.
Rips open letter
‘I do not have time to detail my exhaustive travels through Asia and meeting with a range of people from all walks of life.’ Groans. He sounds like a readers digest article. ‘If you care to find out please do anything anything at this stage to advance a sophisticated agenda beyond a hackneyed white Australia policy that sees you pawing at Jervis Bay like it constitutes a country or your latest rent boy conquest.’
Seriously Hilde, I should have moved down South years ago. If I’d known it would produce this reaction. He clearly has never been on a JetSki.
‘As for Ang, and the issue of Tibet, there are ways of going about things that produce results long term for the benefit of the whole region.’
Oh he has taken a liking for red tape. Bull and shit Hilde. Really. He the creative maestro. I see how the creative nation was born! Right here! In this letter!
Blah blah blah ‘and it would seem to me you have not given enough thought to the ramifications of a dated foreign policy predicated on an old Western footprint. Perhaps you’d like a Pimms at Raffles.’
Well. He’s in a good mood. I’ll read it if I can’t get to sleep tonight.
Send this Hilde,
Seen a map lately? Got any idea how it will work? What is your view on Hong Kong? Know what your glorious besties are saying in ASEAN or should I bug the joint? How do you propose you deal with the reality that has people doing exercises in every sea known to man? What about freedoms in Laos? Any inside information or should I bless your ring to find the hell out? We all have jobs to do. Thanks for the tips. It is a little more complicated than that. As you know. Speaking of swathes of barely concealed chiffon. I need facts.’
Maybe I’ll call the child Inver. Writes her name in imaginary script. Or OBAN.
Rips open letter
You don’t seriously believe that bullshit do you?
Well that was brief. Brevity is not lost on me Hil. There is merit to it. Especially with the exotic flourish of Australian.. whatever… anyway send this.
‘You have us locked up and you want her free. Please explain. Also, please feel free to detail Malaysia and Brunei’s position. It intrigues me. What do you want us to do with the energy claims and why didn’t you organise a tribunal to solve all of this for us? I need details. ps: rent boy! You couldn’t win a rigged dog paddle flag race in a triangular hot tub with wing keeled floaties.
Now. Oh Hilde please?
Phone rings. His lordship.
Wing keeled floaties!!! I’ll have you know that once upon a time when I was prowling Bankstown like a lupine slick cheetah
Snoring noise oh do go on, howls like a dog
I am under no obligation to tell you anything that
Then I don’t have to tell you anything. Who dobbed me in the other day whilst claiming Chinese surveillance was bad? Of all the good for nothing
I don’t know! Who cares! Get going!
Then I don’t have to tell you anything!
Good! I have noticed Australians have a real fondness for female politicians you can really tell.
Something in the water!
He howls like a dog. Oh no save me! Quick I need the blue stocking brigade to buttress me into political greatness
And the timing!
Now don’t overreact to Gladys being caught out
Really! Australian love of female bush rangers and politicians really tells you something. I mean really
Love corruption do you? Never could guess! I mean, which side of your personality is that shade? Magenta? Maybe you and Pru could sit down at a Liberal Party scone meeting
Maybe I’ll turn into Gra Gra and bag some cash. You can look the other way while I do a few things of national importance. Nothing going on at the moment. Nothing. Not that you’d know!
Anything you want you can have
Good! I’ll have a federal seat. A State seat and a two term female PM. Thanks!
Doesn’t have to be me. Just someone that represents the new politics! A real live young person. Like, authentic and stuff! Like Charlotte Gainsbourg. You know? Wild concept.
Go for it. Go for it! Why would I
Good. I want a superpac too.
Got it off your chest?
And I’m not driving a political Chrysler either from the back seat. The back seat!
Your choice! Your choice!
You want to talk about ground up? Then tell me why I am still on the ground while a bunch of blokes are watching war games and flying between countries. Because that isn’t ground up baby. That’s a B21 that they won’t let me near. And don’t you ever talk to me about Kei
Here we go
There is no fear of abandonment from a woman who is told she is a dero! There is disgust at the people in comfortable high positions laughing with rouge made up faces about the fact they are not in her predicament!
Oh possum. Diddums. That’s all today? Really I am surprised. Has Hilde taken down all the notes?
And BTW. Facts. Not one female American President! Just a fact.
And what? Should we all walk around and
And if I hear one Australian female complain about discrimination while doing another woman in, I’ll put a camera on them for the next 20 years. 20 years!
Anyone you want to thank for looking after you, attending to your every need, lovingly taking you by the hand, creating miraculous gum leaf opportunities or shall we just leave this at the wounds of Carmen Lawrence still searing a little breastplate to hang above the mantle while single handedly reinventing Australian politics? Because it is so you. Today.
What’s wrong with me? I’m brilliant! I’m determined! I’m… I forget but yes. Alright. Yes. Thankyou. I think….
Say ‘Thankyou darlings I love you’. I want to hear it. I can’t hear it. Careful, We Can’t Hear You. It is the wind whispering. It is the trees singing. It is little fire sticks rubbing together like little street urchins lighting lamps! It is your new boyf
Don’t go there. It’s off limits. I said Thankyou ! Thankyou oh thannnnnkyou gods of
Darling we all do it! You just have to relax and think of a
I’m dreaming of a
Oh I can’t believe you wouldn’t be there amongst it! You’d be such an asset.
A real live strategic asset. That’s you.
What are we going to do, Ruby Roo?
They laugh and sigh
Find another bloody female Premier!
Well if you like snorkels that much
You can’t imagine
I can. Darling, I really can. Sighs What do you think about it all really?
There is silence.
I thought so. Don’t worry. We’ll work a way around it.
Strangely quiet is my girl on the topics she loves the most.
Poetry in motion. Pure Irish poetry in motion.
How are the exercises to beat the other exercises that transcended the other exercises going in caravan land?
My am I missing your sweaty tent
Not long now darling
You know how those that are truly special are exempt from all rules and regulations
Howard Springs def has a 4 star quality to it
Let’s get to Guinea
‘We are no longer going to entrust politics to one man, we are going to entrust politics to the people.’
Said some bloke who has taken over.
‘Guinea is beautiful. We don’t need to rape Guinea anymore, we just need to make love to her.’
Why, such advanced sentiments.
Imagine the geo-political repercussions of that.
Any wonder I am sitting in a negligee thinking of you?
Shall we discuss the economic bauxite fall-out or a few things a bit bigger?
Move on over.
We couldn’t imagine.
Girls, rustle up a map.
Get your Scout’s badge on.
If they let you, that is.
Hey, it’s Manet not Marilyn but what’s a few vowels after the big brassy main letter?
Sort of like Y and R in the same name.
You feel me?
Now darling heart, isn’t it strange that the persona non grata or tis depending on your morning energy drink that is nothing compared to what the professionals drink – little swarthy minions of muscle led recovery – QATAR is taking alot of these Afghani’s.
See the difference?
Eyes. Money. Country.
Poor people. Papers. Nothing.
What a fucking revolution.
Bags getting stuck with the Aussie lot in the Middle East.
‘We can’t return to BrizVegas’
Well, what can we do with you all in the desert heat?
What could you be doing over there?
MAK and I can rustle up a few hoofs and see how you go around the track.
Breed a Melbourne Cup winner.
All that FAT-I-GUE fashion.
Now what could they be doing.
Thinks of former English protectorates.
And other things.
Big place Dubai.
COVID is the damndest strangest thing.
Dutt Dutt Minister for Defo or the man who brings Ron Mueck sculptures to life – had much to say recently before he heads off to eat Australian lamb with Joe Joe Silverfox Biden.
The Yanks can elect sexy old men.
We just hide ours.
Scottish nose hair. The Epsom salts of the 21st Century.
Bags not being William Wallace. Fuck no.
Where was I.
We need to develop ‘long range strike weapons, offensive cyber and unmanned capabilities, including swarming drones.’
‘We are going to embrace asymmetric warfare as the offensive party rather than the defensive party’
Oh Dutt Dutt.
‘He calls on the Americans to give greater effect to Australia’s inclusion in its defence industry base.’
American missile technology in Australia?
Wonders never cease.
One billion announced in March so we can hop on together and razzle dazzle our Climate Commitments.
Sort of like a horse. Bit pointy. Bit expensive. Bit fucking secret.
If you’re feeling a bit low, just pull out page 2 of Wednesday’s OZ by Greg ‘I have Never Met An American Policy I Didn’t Like’ Sheridan
Seriously, no anti-depressants needed kids. Your teenage angst will be seriously cured when you read this out loud. Take turns. Use different accents. Insert a different country’s name every time they mention Australia.
Kids, when done, scribble over the top and make coloured lanterns from the big words.
I’ll be just desperate to see swarm technology in action.
‘Mum, who let the pool pony’s out’
I love you. I do. This is brilliant.
Wonder what is for dessert.
It’s going to crumble delicately and just melt in my mouth.
Nothing to discuss in Washington.
‘When I said withdraw, I didn’t mean it.’
It is all about consent.