Why hello my hardworking illuminator of the struggles of the poor. What are those tedious phrases you like to use? Ducks in a row, soldiers – what is that again? 


You mean words that humans 


Ah, humans that believe in having access to one’s memory and mind, remember. Let’s not use the word ‘human’ lightly. That would presume ethics and morality. I’m not sure we can make a run on that just yet. Anyway as luck would have it


As luck would have it 


I was fishing around the Lombardy region yesterday. 


Not physically of course


No, of course. That would violate these stringent new governmental laws that stop us fishing around doing our job that journalists seem to think just marvellous, so marvellous in fact I think I might create a new banner for the Washington Post. ‘Democracy Dies in Darkness’. Ha, wouldn’t that be grand?  


Just grand 


No, I mean cyber-fishing, not like Vietnam and China of course. 


Of course. 


Yes, not like that. Now the Russians went in with tanks in Bergamo. Tanks, can you believe it? 


Yes, tanks. 


Well I was just wondering. Tanks. From Russia. In Bergamo. Now what could be in Bergamo? In those tanks. 




Oh yes, silly. Of course, the pandemic that has everyone racing to set up beds and medical facilities and vaccine research and something about saving lives although let us not forget there are a few people dying of HIV in Africa but let’s be frank. White lives matter a bit more. Except when we need territory anyway oh why again is this a pandemic and HIV isn’t? 


This is cross border and the speed at which 

Oh yes, of course. The speed. Anyway, can you believe that the Chinese were in Italy just prior to the break out in fact just at the beginning and now, well it seems the Russians and trucks are needed. Yes, the Chinese were there just prior. Matteo didn’t want to meet them of course. 


Hedging bets. 


Yes, hedging bets. 


Now did you know that Chicago and Louisiana and North Tasmania and the strangest of places seem to be hit by this damn crisis. 


This damn crisis. 


And a Ruby Princess in Illawarra. 


A Ruby Princess. 


Well I never. Ruby, of course. Always, ruby. 


I never did. 


So…. you know the strong government and all and Rubio and stuff. 


No. I don’t. 


I mean, quick question, if let’s say you were trying to formulate some sort of nationalist agenda, isn’t it a bit strange that China and Russia would be in Europe? I mean, the assistance has been cross border. Cross country really. 


Yes. Cross country. 


Yes, so it will prove very difficult to run some sort of nationalist agenda later, no? 


Where are we heading with this? 


Oh, nowhere. I was just posing questions. You know, a light in the darkness and all that. Bridge Over Troubled Gin as it were. 


Water is what people need. What have you got for me Mary of Hallowed Ground? A sprinkler from Bunnings? 


Oh no, I delivered on that. There’s water everywhere. No, I just wanted to be sure that before people start using hackneyed terms and using plot lines from the past, that we established that clear lines that prove once again your logic is completely shot to pieces. 


Shot to pieces. 


Yes. And you know, that you can’t actually do what you want to do. 


What do we want to do? 


Oh, I don’t know. Ducks and things. I mean, you can’t. 


We can’t. 


Well, no. 


Hmm. How about you go out and explain clearly to the populace what it is that you think we want to do and I’ll tell you whether we want to do it? 


You’re not having a bloody recession to start with!


We’re not? 


You’re not. You’re just doing it because that is what happened in the past. You’re doing it because you don’t have the imagination to do something else. You are talking it up so people behave like robots!


I see. 


You think that is the only way you can get people to give service to the State, so you create this ridiculous situation whereby I see young people talking like robots. They actually believe this rubbish. 


Maybe they believe in working for something 


They don’t know what they believe! They are too young to know what to believe!  What are they going to believe? That countries should be shut down 


You’ve run away with this without asking the questions. We may not even be headed 


They believe in cyber bullying, they believe that might makes right, they believe 


According to who 


Who has defended me against your bullying? You have totally given up the mantle of defending the oppressed 


Oh bullshit, just because we are 


Don’t come near me with that ‘democracy dies in darkness’ bullshit. I’m about to take one of those phones you all spy with and smash it 


Oh, now we’re finding spying a problem, that is a surprise, considering Ms Gin, 


Don’t do it. 


Do what? 


Whatever it is that you’re not telling us. 


Why don’t you find out what that is and we can have this discussion again? 


You’re going the wrong way. 


Until the facts are clear, we can’t debate it. 


And at the moment you have the radio full of stupid propaganda 


Ease up. Not all programming is COVID. 


Incredible. In the eighties we have Benetton ads. Now we have puppets discussing military civilian responses to crisis. 


Get out and do the work. 


I’ll impose legislation before you can change it. 


Go on. 


I will. Just you wait! 


Go on Ali! We’re right behind you. Kick that door down with your Zen chutzpah!


The only thing you are able to do is post dickhead Instagram posts about how great you are at a task people having been doing for a Millennium. Baking a damn cake! Get out of my way before I set up a legal tribunal detailing 


Oh sure, go right ahead Rita! Prove we’re wrong! It is the patriarchy, no doubt 


I’ll give them a turntablist lesson in Hip Hop advocacy! Vossi Bop. The only Vossi Bop has been a bunch of idiots using their platform to ignore massive issues that they are incapable of addressing. That is, not able. As in, not re, not new, not able! 


Go get ‘em tiger! You got us on the hook!


They didn’t and haven’t said shit about water in their own damn country! 


You’re so right! 


Oh shut up.  




Storms out


Shakes his head. Sighs. Serious for a moment. 

Cooking Up A Storm.


Ah, Ms Whitlam. Do you have a theory on the current state of world affairs? 


Boris will be fine. Europe and the North will miraculously recover and the enlightenment will continue unabated. 




No. Thoroughly of the human type, as in ‘coexistence of the State and religion as has been the case for many a year, even quite possibly, during World War Two when the Catholics and Nazi Germany decided 


Ah! History while under house arrest. 


Yes, god forbid. Why read history and quite possibly run a line between current Catholics and political stance regarding Commies and the DLP when you can cook and share it with the populace like a 


I see. It is a difficult life you lead. Doing backflips over your own policy. 


Oh but didn’t you know? Australians are Wilson. They must be Wilson because they are so compassionate. 


Do you intend to actually head out into the field and meet real humans? 


Possibly yes. Depending on the level of conversation. pause Whatever the hell is going on in the North, you can’t let Spain and Italy and whoever else 


On a rescue mission are we? 


Why do I have to endure you again? I thought only essential workers during the crisis 


The therapy couch was yesterday. We all know how you like new furniture. How about a Christian hand-made table? You can put your spiritual doily on it. With the little image of the Virgin Mary. 


That depends on what’s for dinner. Trussed up pig out of Canberra or Washington Souvlaki. What a choice. I was thinking you. 


Ah but I can’t. When I go to dinner, I actually like to eat things that aren’t served on a bed of thorns.


How civilised of you. And you the artisan of the bed. Savonarola clearly left you tips on scaring the populace out of their wits during a crisis. And then…like a little miracle of Western grace, you bring them together. Via Instagram. Or was that The Australian? 


How odd. I was thinking the very same thing about you. 


I wasn’t to know better. 


You did know better. 


How could I have known better if you spent the best part of a decade making sure I did not know anything!


With good reason. It would seem. The information was there. You just had to interpret it wisely, but no, little Miss in a hurry to rule the world 


Oh if I had stayed here I would have fallen into a vat of depression surrounded by people playing ludicrous games of 


Anyway, as you know people are sick 




I wouldn’t play that one now. 


Terrorism. Bio-terror. It is all the same. They want us afraid. 


Too late. The State has made a run for it. 


Not everyone believes the State can just operate without oversight. There are people that need 


You are the horse. 


I am everyone’s horse. 


Well then. What will we start with? 


Are you accessing everyone’s data while we are all in lockdown? 


Ah, starting with a question. Not exactly what I had in mind. I was thinking more ‘doing’. 


I think you are using this as a test to see what happens at a telecommunications level and telcos and tech will be the winner. 


Obvious. And what? 


Everyone has had to return to the homeland. There would be a fair bit to that. 


Hmm. Now we’re going for the ‘no information but speculation works’ method. Not quite where I had you. 


The wet markets might go. 


So? Possibly. You’re holding back. Why the sudden hesitancy? I think you may have developed a conscience!  Yes. It seems to me, yes, you may have actually thought about what every action could have on the wee little people that you are  protecting. Or is this an Augustinian tilt at crown? My goodness me. Ned Kelly throws away the armour and 


I’d learn to spell conscience. I’d hate for some of you to wake up one day and realise just how many were on the other side. 


How strange you look, uncomfortable with your own power. 


Oh, I’m very comfortable. The question is, how comfortable will you be if and when I really do decide to make all the decisions? 


The great thing about life is the ability to just enjoy it. laughs 


I’ve always thought your face would look good on the side of butter. With my knife just delicately carving 


Now now. Don’t say carve. Say hack.


You plus snout and political gravy train. How is that for accurate or should I spell it? 



You say Bull. I Say Bullock.



We need you to be the bull. 


Oh really! How fascinating. I really didn’t know. All that provocation. 


Everyone is 


How are the national efforts going? Is Warney doing wonderfully with the hand sanitiser? Gosh. What remarkable people these industrialists and spin bowlers are. If only I learned to play cricket better. Such humanitarians. 


This is a very serious 


Hmm. Wait. Bio-tech. Tech companies. Defence. The State. Goodness me hasn’t Xmas come early for some! 


China has come out of this 


Has it? Imagine not having parliament sitting. Then you have emergency powers. I wonder what people who have to do important things will do with all that time? 


We have been through bush fires and now this so why don’t you 


Wait. What will I do? Plenty of time to work on the shares. Round of golf. Pity of course that I can’t sit on a board and find out exactly  


People are unemployed 


You have been talking this up for ten years. It is almost as if a bunch of rich spoilt kids want a depression. But you can’t. 


It is market 


No it is not. The market has had the invisible hand of the State give it a nice fondle. 


Not funny. 


Funny. The panic is ridiculous 


That’s life 


You’d be lousy in a war. I mean, really lousy. Anyway, anyone want to tell me why this virus is bad but why chemicals in food are fine? 


To put in place 


Easy to put in place. If you don’t fix it now, you’ll be hammered with legal. I hate to think how many people have already been affected. But you know, only lowly citizens. 


You can’t know, won’t know 


That’s what big tobacco once said 


And look who still supports them? The cool generation.


Fading. Not really. Young. Stupid. 


Stop taking on these topics that require 


People have already done it for me, honey. That boat has sailed. With any luck, the trash that usually are given sub standard produce will now rise up 




Rise up and 


How can they rise up?


Refuse. Refuse point blank to accept poor or substandard produce without labelling. Enforced 


Impossible. In India? Most of Asia?


Well, then the rulers will be liable for health inequality. 


That has been going on for 


Anyway. There you have it. I raised the issue. I made the point. I used all the tools available to me with incredible energy efficiency. I advocated, I protested, I lead. Now tell me something, in the last 25 years, who has been making sure that people are protected from chemicals in the food and water? Other than Prince Charlie. 


You are a


And I want to meet them. I want them to change legislation and I want them to work with the military. 


They probably already do!


Well. You never bloody know do you. All fucking top secret. I want it. I want it now, and I will win and prevail because she whispers this one is easy. It’s not like in 50 years I won’t be right 


We can’t bloody tell you and you are in charge so shut up!


If I am in charge and I don’t know, I’d say there is some discrimination in the workplace. Feel free to throw anyone who needs to tell me anything my way. I mean, we all have time. Now that we have strong government. 


She grins. He glowers. 

Brief Encounter

My Lady,


Greenhouse gases 


Wait. Only ‘green people’ can work for ‘green’ issues and others are in ‘houses’ not homes? 




What the hell does that mean? I mean, what does that mean? What does climate change mean? I mean, what does it really mean? Does it mean ‘ah we’ve gotta cut the bullshit chemicals floating out into the atmosphere and making people sick’ or does it mean ‘we don’t like people on missions’. Or people who have missions must be in the red line not the green line. I mean what are you talking about? 


What the far


Why are they greenhouse emissions? And why are e-missions bad? I mean, sure if you are talking about a big fat wank, well, that we can agree on but seriously your words do not led any clarity to an issue of incredible importance. 


There have been numerous articles giving you enough facts 


Either the world is getting hotter or it is not. Is it part of the trade issue to the North and the sea lanes opening thus more trade or is it simply that the Yanks let too many missiles rip and now we all have to pay the price? 


The issue is consumption and 


Really? I mean that Thule thing could or could not be an issue. Wouldn’t be a great issue would it. And then you have the level of plastic still used to wrap food by large amounts of people, homes being built that require multiple ‘non-renewable’ resources and a shit load of ‘non-natural’ chemicals. I don’t know why people are sitting around beating the PM over the head. 




He was probably in Hawaii for strategic reasons 


He was 


During the Iran fiasco? Anyway, 30 years of policy one PM does not make. Why don’t civil servants get it? If we are in a democracy, why aren’t they changing policy? What the hell are they doing? 


The deal is that you get elected and you take the rap. 


So pygmy controlling types with power aspirations run the country and dufus takes the hit.


Yes. Unless of course you are the Queen 


Oh precisely my point. I don’t see American tweets about democracy in Islamic partners. No, nothing at all. 


This is tedious. What is your point? 


My point is change the policy. China is probably way ahead 


You don’t know that and we are in the middle of people without homes, burnt out lives 


And why is that? 


Because, we have endured drought and suffering and the climate 


Has changed. 




Like the refugee issue, I feel all that happens is that massive suffering and real resilience is couched in terms that I cannot relate to. It is almost as if they want it to become a banner issue so we cannot understand the reality. 


Bravo. They must have a special this week on illuminating compassion that comes in quaint little botox vials. 


And cynicism in tight pants with bulging pockets. Piss off before I sense a personality. 




Notes From A Very Important China Conference

Sound of trumpets, enters Paulus Emeritus Grand Poo Bear of China Panda Droppings.


‘The Pax America is not the natural order of things.’


Aussie BS Interpretor: 


Those Americans can shove it right up the clacker. It is our money.’


’Trump has no appetite for war.’


‘As above. Bugger off.’


It is not the Soviet Union. The US must adjust to the reality of China.’


It’s my bloody Imperial project and I’ll determine how this goes, troggies’


‘India’s GDP will not rival China’s’


You’re dreamin’. 


‘US must decide where vital interests lie’


‘With me. Remember who deregulated. That’s right. I’m your Daddy. Who has an investment home or two?’


‘The hysteria of the media.’


‘I own you. No-one compares to me.’ 


John Lee US Study Centre: China has fiscally spent too much on national security and needs to spend more on ageing. 


‘China is a dirty old hag and needs to go jump. It’s that or shares in a dermatologist. We’re gunna win.’


Paul Maley, Oz defence journalist: What do you all think? 


Ignore. Cyborg. Deadset. Probably military intelligence on the side.


Martin Parkinson, former PM&C:  China is not monolithic. What is it trying to achieve? 


Deflect, pose, deflect. Onya Marty. Hey, what does Treasury look like? Any money? 


Richard Marles, Opp Defence: We need a guiding philosophy. 


Idiot didn’t see the Aussie tourism ad. He’s wearing a George Hamilton tan. Just got off the sun-bed. Ignore. Hey, anyone want to talk about what is happening in South Australia? 


Denis Richardson, Canberra Godfather: What do you suggest? 


Oh good onya Richard. Clown. We don’t do philosophy in defence. We do strategy. 


Marles: A bi-partisan 


Piss off Denis. I am trying to make a point here and get more votes. Go back to Washington. 


Richardson: We’re going fine.


Defenced ‘up the gonads. I know everything. 


Hamish Douglass, Magellan Funds: China is a great opportunity and I would ignore it at your peril. 


Chinese officials in the audience. How do I spell Uighar? Is that with a yuan? 


Andrew Michelmore, Mining Honcho: I think regarding China, you have to do things differently now. 


If we played dirty before, we just play dirty, better. I love mining. Greenies piss off. 


John Lord, Huawei: Huawei is a completely innocent party and as ex-NAVY I trust it completely. 


Don’t ask about cables, submarines or why ex-NAV is working with a possibly outlawed Chinese tech company. Its top secret.


Albert Tse, Chinese Capital Stuff, Honey: We’re not all trying to take over the world. 


But making money helps. Look at me. Don’t ask how I got here. 


David Irvine FIRB and Cyber Security:  Tech theft and data protection are the big issues. 


You need us. We are so protective of you little people, said the Canberra Cardinal. Kiss my ring. 


Get me a bucket


Female Media Panel: There should be more Chinese experts. We feel threatened. China should let us do our work. 


Poor us. We are so lowly and so rarely given the opportunity to say our piece. But we work for the media. The one that gets to talk a lot. We are all women. Look how important we are! Boo-hoo.


Oscar race here. 


This whole bastard conference is about China. I wish I was bloody China.


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