Did You See

 

 

Did you see the big fuck off maps?

 

I saw.

 

I mean, look at that.

 

I saw.

 

I mean, how can you say that isn’t a threat, hey?

 

What, as opposed to the F35’s you are selling that most definitely did not employ a large section of local workers? 

 

The technology comes from multiple leading

 

Please feel free to document the amount of ‘local’ workers employed and whether there were any ‘foreign interference’ laws violated. I think they call it lobbying in some countries. I mean, not legally of course, because only the Chinese would do that. I mean, clearly. And I know that because Las Vegas and the Air Force and the proximity of test ranges to casinos would in no way suggest that there would be corruption of any sort. I mean you guys are clean. I just think every day ‘MMMMM don’t I love clean eating.’ That’s why I ate a ‘defense’ smoothie in in Las Vegas and churned that motherfucker up until I could very clearly see that, it could be, I am right.

 

Those are baseless accusations

 

Of course.

 

But we’re not building roads everywhere, we’re not

 

No, point taken there son. What is there is a ‘debt trap’ is there? Sure. Reminds me of those released sex tapes before everyone finds out they are gay.

 

Have you even examined the terms?

 

Let me see. Dumb Prime Ministers who run countries and have degrees from Oxford and LSE and hang out at the UN with other Prime Ministers, with more economic advisors than is naturally possible, sign agreements with debt traps. Yeah, that makes sense. That Greek logic of yours is really working overtime. Wait – oh my god! Could there be more to it than that! Could it possibly be, that this is not the end of the story?! NOOOOOOO Scarlett cries, her taffeta skirt swishing in the morning air, as Mame yells

 

People are voting with their feet! Joshua Wong

 

Has woken up in his own wet dream. He was probably a pedophilia intake from ‘85. That boy is way too young.

 

That’s not funny

 

Is it 20 million funny? Dave Chappelle gets 20 million a session for sitting out on an Ohio farm and mining jokes. Now that my friend, is capitalism.

 

They are fighting for human rights. For freedom.

 

You want to dictate the terms but get them to do the heavy lifting? Oh no. I got that bit.

 

The violence of the police

 

What? What ‘America the policeman in Gaza’? You mean those police?

 

This is a crucial time

 

After you let a bomb rip? I mean, in Aceh they just destroyed the homes of the dirt poor. But this time, I mean you even got some people with big houses. Military innovation one day at a time.

 

You are not going to try and tell me that you think

 

How would we know what happened or even why it happened? Transparency nil.

 

Hurricane Dorian, natural disasters are part of the oceans warming

 

Not so natural methinks, but plug away.

 

Science has proven

 

How the hell does anyone get away with saying the oceans are warming not implicating any military or commercial technology when you got nuclear submarines running around populating the universe like some out of control dipshit

 

We have stringent laws that stop us from

 

Do you?

 

Yes we do.

 

You knock off your own people by having lax chemical laws that allow people to die from cancer that could have been entirely preventable. I don’t know. I’d have to find those secret laws.

 

You have no evidence

 

The cancer clusters you dumb half baked moron, are in all the areas where your petroleum and nuclear companies are located. They even have clusters on your rivers right where you have factories that just happen to specialise in chemicals.

 

Being a cheap hack

 

Trojan War over, Aeneas wandering home

 

Have you ever even read it?

 

I have.

 

Bullshit.

 

Not your business.

 

 

Hello

 

 

 

Hello

 

I’ve got a podcast and a very important podcast it is too

 

Look!

 

It’s me!

 

I’m back from the dead and we’re so alive

 

The world is so alive

 

Um let’s see

 

“We all hate Trump.’

 

Yeah next. That one has had a good run.

 

‘Russians die in a submarine’

 

Well, maybe maybe not. Let’s just take that one as it comes.

 

Well ergh I thought I would interview some experts and as the experts say complete rubbish, I am going to be the expert. S.

 

That’s right.

 

I am presenter, expert, producer and content writer. Of my fabulous little podcast show.

 

Oh, first a song.

 

‘I love barfing in the toilet

 

What a lovely way

 

To show me your looooovvvvveeeee

 

I love barfing in the toilet

 

You must be very big and strong’

 

Actually. That’s not it.

 

Here it is.

 

Oh please let me know if I am being too loud

 

OOHHHHHH I haaaveee a lovely set of tonsssssiiiilllllsssss

 

I caaaaann SSSIIIIINNNGGGGGGG SINNNG ALL DAY LOOONNGGGGG

 

THEEEEYY THHHHHIIIIINNNNNKKKK WEEEEE CAAAANNN’’TTTT SMEEELLLLL TTTHHHHEEE ARSEYYYY STUFFF IN KATHAMNADU WAIT KASSSSHHHHMMIIIIRRRR

 

BUT

 

I think there was a little agreement

 

Yes

 

I think there was a little agreement

 

A tiny weeny little agreement

 

Between the tiny weeny little peeenies

 

Of Imran and Donnie

 

OH!

 

They had a meeting

 

They had a meeting

 

It’s a very contentious place

 

Three of them

 

No four

 

If you count the US-A of PRAY

 

 and Paaakistan and India

 

Lines in the sand

 

Well we’ve just sorted it out

 

And we do it very privately

 

Because

 

Well just because

 

Because we like to have very quiet meetings

 

About things that matter

 

And it gets all sorted out

 

My how things change!

 

My how things change!

 

I must leave the cigar room now

 

Because

 

They’re having a little meeting

 

BOOOO

 

I WANNA SHOE

 

Yeah

 

I WANNA DANCE

 

Oh we’re nothin’ at all

 

We’re nothin’ at all

 

THEEEEYYYY

 

Just decided

 

In the teeeny weeny

 

Peeeny

 

ROOOOM

 

And it just so happens

 

In the very same week

 

Syria rebels forces departed

 

Now what does that say

 

HEY?

 

YEAH

 

But there is this thing

 

Called the corridor

 

Wonder what happens

 

NOW

 

OH

 

Be careful

 

Cause you think you might be winning…….

 

But Aunty gets it all

 

YEAH

 

Aunty gets it all.

 

(Well, with a little benevolence towards other depleted folks, she dispenses wisely, what style, what charm, what power!)

 

YEAH

 

Knock yourself out

 

She gets it

 

ALL.

 

(But I’d like to access to the tapes, do you mind?)

 

 

 

Hong Kong Games

 

 

Aha! A protest! Wait. No more protests!

 

Oh it looks like yes

 

A bit of biffo from the police.

 

Not happy Hong Kong. Not happy Hong Kong!

 

Oh a little bit of teargas

 

Did anyone get that on TV? Did we get it for the cameras? Have you got your flak jacket on? Lucky. Bloody hell. Might lose a shirt. Stain the Hugo Boss.

 

Oh very volatile. Oh very volatile this democracy.

 

Wait There’s been another press conference. Yep, the protestors are out of control and Carrie Lam is a cow. That’s the sum of it people. That’s the sum of the parts.

 

Someone has lost an eye. No, forget the bombing in the Middle East this is real stuff folks! Real real time stuff.

 

Now we have the cavalcade of commentators wading in. Let’s see what they have to say.

 

Oh bless. Yep, China is the baddie. Works doesn’t Canberra? Yes works for Canberra. Works for Hong Kong. Works for wait are those US flags? Oh yes looks like we have some US flags in the proceedings. Nice touch there. Just in case we didn’t know who was promoting democracy. Nice DNA, gene pool not to be denied. Works for the US of A.

 

Gosh, this is game is really hard to predict. What with the University charges in Australia, the foreign interference laws, and the island fracas what do you think is going to happen here folks? ASEAN has just moved into place. Decided to do some warship thing with some other blokes. South East Asian Nations. Wild concept.

 

Oh look, a nice young fresh bloke to lead the charge. Well Well well, who would have thought. That’s the way. Who bloody needs university anyway. Rule of law and all that. Wouldn’t be a barrister every five kilometres in HK to sort the whole melee out now would there? No. Such a big place. How would you find them? Difficult. Much be tough. To find so many well appointed lawyers and stuff. Must be hard this constitutional stuff.

 

Wait, my assistant has just handed me the agreement. Yep, looks like the Joint Declaration that was signed between the British and China. I have it here, it says:

 

‘The law that is currently in force in Hong Kong will remain unchanged’

 

Uh oh. That’s not good for the Chinese side now is it folks. Straight up penalty there. Yep, easy two points between the posts. Oh dear. How are they going to get out of that one? Seems to me with the extradition they have just walked straight into a trap wouldn’t you say? Oh too right. No, that one I am afraid on the Hawkeye is not going to go their way.

 

And now we have the counter move from the mainland. Also from the memorandum also signed between the British and the Chinese.

 

Wait. Wait. Here it is – looks like Hong Kongers are under ‘under national law of the PRC… all Hong Kongers are Chinese nationals’

 

Uh oh. That really muddies the pie. That’s a real problem there. And foreign affairs and defence are under control of the PRC’

 

Wonder what happens now. I mean, is this a foreign issue or a defence issue? Imagine there is a fair bit of discussion going on by coaches of both sides.

 

The question is: are there defence assets inside Hong Kong that are important to the mainland? Other than the whole bloody island of course. This is not an insignificant question.

 

We’ve already seen the bloody mess in the players lounges so this is no laughing matter. Hell of a way to play the game don’t you think?

 

Quite like the balaclava and the mask touch. Always works always worked in Indonesia, you get a nice big fat pic on the front of Time Magazine. Bloody beauty. Someone is bound to win a human rights prize for that one. And then they’ll forget what they were fighting about in the first place.

 

Few penalties required though. Not quite finished yet. Boris Johnson is bound to say something completely stupid wait oh he has said something has he? No. Just his half brother setting up a real estate fund thing. Good timing. Nice one Max.

 

Moving right along, the Chinese have responded and said that it was a historical document that has no practical relevance. What do you think of that ey? No practical relevance well this is a game of football that has taken us from Africa to the Middle East to the BRI to Hong Kong I dunno, I reckon there has been a lot of practical relevance to what has been happening around the traps with China on the splurge eh? Oh no, I reckon that is almost sin bin. I mean, a few porkies there eh? Jesus. That’s a call and a half.

 

Oh the G7 has said something but let’s be frank. We haven’t got time for a photo op. No, photo ops not here. People are out on the streets! Get with the program! God I haven’t had this much fun since the Carnation revolution, wait the Saffron revolution wait the do we have a briar bush revolution? No. No roly poly revolutions here that must be still waiting in the Australian bush. Waiting for the rain.

 

They’ve been marching in the rain in Hong Kong! Marching in the rain! When was the last time we got out and marched? Well. Probably weren’t going to get extradited to the mainland. To be fair. Just marching straight to the meat pie stand. The hot dog with the lot. I’ll have two beers and make them not light.

 

Yes, thankyou to our fine friends in DSD they just keep our conversations and scramble them until someone on the other side actually thinks it is policy. Brilliant strategy. Real Australian outback stuff. The backline doing incredible work and just throwing it to the wings when the ASX looks a little weak. This is called the Sweet Spot. Stuff of legends.

 

I mean, who wants to meet someone in a lane way in Beijing on a dark night? Not sure. Not sure my Mandarin is up to scratch. Might leave that to the experts.

 

What do you think do you think democracy has had a hard run on it? I don’t know. Bloody lot of ships in the waters. Lot of activity on the democratic front, might be a few laughs around here, two Gulf Wars, Libya, a War on Terror, Syria, Yemen and now this. I mean on a scale of one to ten, how hard up do you think the democratic forces are here folks?

 

Yep. Think they’re having a bit of tug. Never mind, all fun and games and well, it isn’t coming out of our budget. Lucky. I mean, other than a few boats that we designed anyway. ‘Cause we are Nancy boy crawlers that get all our ideas from the missus but forget that there is a TM printed on the big fat gazoo. Yeah, that’s how it is played out here. These are Games For The Ages.

 

The big question is: how many of the other coaches and players are in on it, right? I mean you got Malaysia, a real little stellar number there at limiting Chinese influence, you got Cambodia everyone mad as hell about the free passes the Chinese are getting inside although let’s not forget Australia’s role in the 90’s, I think there might be a little more to that than meets the eye, what with Australia on the ground in Asia eh?

 

Not sure whether some contraband uranium got through the lines and into the hands of some of the opposing side. Now that would cause a real historical stink wouldn’t it? I mean, if anyone was looking at history and let’s be frank. This game is too important for history. It is for passion! Ideology! Straight up stupidity! I mean, what is a game of geopolitical football without the sort of hair raising stupidity that lends it so much credibility among the non-initiated eh?

 

I mean you have got all these planes and I mean, who doesn’t like planes? I mean, just hand a few over to Taiwan because that is sure to ease tensions don’t you think? I mean that is just certifiable gold there. Forget the blue water navy! Forget the chain of pearls! Just keep handing over the planes.

 

But moving along, you got Vietnam – well enough said there, the wind blows very democratic in that corner at the moment, and you got the actor Rodrigo ‘I’m for China but not really but I am from the South and the whole family can run this joint cause this is the Phillipines and we can do what we want’ but I think with the Catholic influence there, the Mariana Trench I think it is a little more clear cut but if it was me, I mean I am just saying, you are well inside some contested territory and you can never know which way this game goes so, you want to make sure the lighter 5/8th’s, the forwards aren’t punished for some reckless moves but not popular, no not popular in this part of town but at the end of the day, I dunno, I’d be a bit cautious when you got God Fearing Loving Filipinos doing the grunt work eh?

 

Well yes, whole bloody region and that’s why this is so important. I mean, you might think it is just some stupid drop out university kids causing trouble so they can get a Masters at a US university but the real question would be what people think in Laos, Indonesia, you know, the heartlands of this debate. They are the real fans. The real believers. And this is where these two sides have got to start playing with a bit of ticker.

 

No ‘oh yeah, here is a little money for the Saturday shopping, go buy yourself a fast train’ no no that’s not going to work. They’re going to have to go deep inside and actually care about the fans! That’s right! The players are actually going to have to care about the outcome and work for the ticket price!

 

Not a little ‘oh just give me my money thanks, I am a good old Roman soldier and where is the Macca’s in my barracks’ No not going to work! I think these teams have their work cut out for them because it may be that with the demise of the dummy pass as a real ploy, I mean everyone can see it coming, they are going to have to take it to the people. I mean, I don’t think the old style of play is going to work. Colour by numbers is out mate! They both have some serious thinking to do.

 

Well no I don’t think anything it is not for me to comment at this stage.

 

How would you call it? Get in a lawyer son. Bound to be one in Hong Kong. Not sure I’d be lighting match with so much at stake. Can’t say I fancy a match up between some tanks and a few skinny uni boys that are still fed by their mother.

 

The problem is if the tanks go in: China’s lost the game. If the protestors don’t negotiate, they could lose momentum. It will be up to the backs to defend the ground they’ve gained in the last quarter. Clearly, Hong Kong has decided it wants independence so it is all touch and go here. You’re going to see some big moves in the next little while and let’s remember: China is not a team of small Anaheim Ducks.

 

Could be wrong. Could be wrong. Been wrong before.

 

And the great thing is, we have Donny to help us remember: the markets go up, the markets go down. But someone always makes money.

 

No, the arrests are a downright problem, what we have here are real diplomatic incidents and with the trading might of China, the Huw-are-we dilemma I think we can clearly say that everyone is in two minds about the clout of the new kid on the block. Canada is not happy. Australia is not happy but happy to take the money. Well, who doesn’t love money?

 

And they love to play the boys don’t they? All the boys just beside themselves with Five Eyes. No a brown eye. No, Five Eyes I have heard it from here, but there was a brown eye but we’re leaving it right there. I’m getting an EDIT signal from the control tower on that one. Five Eyes it is.

 

The Brits have gone in on the Middle East warship thing although giving you a bit of inside information here, energy is shipped through via other means so not sure about that as real play-on-play, significant of course with Iran but at the end of the day, every move has to mean something.

 

That Modi medal care of the UAE really set the cat amongst the pigeons but was probably a bit of a ‘suck you Qatar’ a bit of friendly inter-Mussie Shia-Sunni down low mud wrestle. Not sure that is top quality play, just a bit of heckling from the side now that Qatar has the World Cup.

 

You got Kashmir, you got Syria, you got Putin and Erdogan doing a little red lap dance, I mean, this game is still up in the air in some areas. We’ve not even covered Russia up North.

 

We’ll have to get to the Ukraine next show.

 

Anyway, there you have it, there’s a stop in play in Hong Kong while everyone works out the next step. And be warned.

 

The ANC will be blamed for everything. They don’t understand how to run a country.

 

Oh wait, someone else did the run the country and just left half of the population out. And then it was handed over.

 

What are they protesting about in Hong Kong?

 

 

Confidential Confidentiality

 

Welcome to the Confidential Confidentiality Confidential

 

We here at Confidential Central will make sure that everything you write is entirely confidential

 

Confidentiality is our motto

 

We might come up and repeat things you have only ever thought or spoken in private but 

 

It is just entirely confidential!

 

What we want here at Confidential Central is your complete confidentiality

 

How would we know what you are saying or thinking?

 

We are Confidentiality Plus.

 

We are a benevolent society wanting good and purity instilled into every human being

 

We sell elixirs at incredible prices just for you!

 

And organic vegetables that quite frankly, could be grown in horse shit on top of world class chemicals but at least it looks authentic and that’s what matters.

 

As long as you look like you are rural and down at home, the world will be saved.

 

Because we like to ensure complete confidentiality that somehow just fails to mention the incredible price paid for electronic data sold onto consumer groups, we’ll ensure that any breach of your privacy remains confidential and exonerated by a two page letter that acknowledges the breach but does absolutely sweet FA about it.

 

Even if it includes medical records that could affect your insurance!

 

Or passed onto employers so you can be royally screwed in the arse.

 

How do you know that your information is protected?

 

First of all, we know everything.

 

Second, there is nothing you can do about it because we are fighting cyber crime and that is very important so you’ll just have to cope.

 

Third, any attempt to find out why we have complete control over the private information of individuals tapping into their computer at home is going to be run through some stupid legal maze that effectively renders your attempts to control this information useless.

 

That you choose to fight back by using the very surveillance that we claim doesn’t exist is noble but ultimately futile as we have rendered all individuals in the world completely boronic and totally up our hairy balled arseholes.

 

They prefer to post Instagram photos than detail any particular concern that might affect, you know, someone blackmailed over comments they made privately and were totally legit.

 

Fourth, here at Confidentiality Central we are working on behalf of The Service so everything we do here must be Top Secret and not at all open to any of the legitimate arms of justice touted in our ‘Justice For All’ mantra thrown about for PR purposes and a shit load of conquest.

 

We, in fact, can do whatever we want and in particular, be part of any violent retribution we see fit in accordance with our ‘We Are So Christian’ motto.

 

Just remember.

 

Here at Confidentiality Central, we really support women – just not people that do not support Confidentiality!

 

Even if that Confidentiality might affect the health of thousands of people and even some poor bastard in Other Countries not as powerful as us.

 

Welcome to our beautiful world.

 

We want you to explore and be prosperous.

 

Just on our terms.

 

And yes, those terms are entirely confidential.

 

 

Feckin’ Hell

 

Yeah no feck no

Oh feckin hell

For fecks sake

 

Look here I am

 

Ain’t it a right royal blast

Headlines of the day

 

‘Hugh White says we must have more nuclear weapons’

 

Oh thanks very feckin’ much Hugh

That’s a feckin’ great contribution

Must put that one away in the scrap book

Who feckin’ knew

 

Boats, South China Sea and now

He wants us to feckin’ leach

The groundwater with some

Rubbish

 

That we export anyway

Sell it on

To some bastard in the Sth China Sea

May or may not be an ally

 

Feckin’ hell Hugh

What a feckin’ book

Who the feck knew

Imagine you’re like all smart and stuff

 

Know a few languages

Like I don’t know

Sanskrit

Or

Sand castles

 

Seventeen years at university

And then you gotta read that rubbish

 

O thanks very much

Might just be like Americah

And keep burying shit into the ground

From a plane you might as well

Just write the feckin’ Armageddon now anyway

 

Oh look another silo!

Can’t agree on where to bury it

 

But good on Jolly Roger!

Let’s keep this thing going because it is good feckin’

idea!

 

Oh A one champs!

 

You are really workin’ those little

Nano brain cells out!

 

Not hard is it!

 

Not like it’s a mathematical theorem

 

‘Toxic waste left over earth divided by

Two the square of dopey’

 

Feck me fellas!

Oh look! War games in the North!

Oh who feckin’ knew

Ten years of that rubbish

Think we’re stupid do yah

I swear to feckin’ god

 

I would like to know

Who doesn’t work for the government

Around here

I mean, is there anyone left

Who is remotely normal?

Not feckin’ likely is it?

Oh feck no

 

‘Oh she’s a real danger that one.

Full of mouth and wit

Let’s just truss her up in

Our new little fascist domain’

 

Can’t find a feckin’ enemy

And it’s not like you could

Find your way out of the hallways

Of the feckin’ cyber security HQ anyways

Now could yah?

 

Grand

Seventeen years at university

And I want to find on a computer

Someone doing something bad

By typing

On a computer

 

It’s not like black leather

And a blow job is it

 

Male models

And a swimmin’ pool!

 

No, it feckin’ ain’t

No big feck off parties

Tell a joke

And they’ll have you up

On charges they will

 

‘You did not read the memo

On fashion in the circle

Of knowledge

We are quite

Sensible

And wear shoes you only

Ever see on

Repressed

Lousy lays

That think government

Exciting’

 

Have you seen those shoes?

 

I have.

 

I’m like

 

I don’t think we’re in the same club people

No

I do not think we are in the same feckin’ club

 

Swear to feckin’ god

They’re the ones you put on

Someone who has died

And has no shoes

They keep them

In a cupboard

Just for that

 

Feck me

Feckin’ debacle

 

‘Aha! The shoes for the dead people with no shoes.

We found these in Canberra in 1997

It was a peace rally for the

Under Represented Minorities of

I’ll Have That Land Thanks

And a little bit of money

For my effort.’

 

Australia needs to arm against China

 

Feck Hugh!

No-one wants to hear your 2002 views around here!

I did that already and the world has moved on son!

 

Moved on!

 

Maybe I’ll grow a beard

Sell my personality

And then get interviewed

By bastards clever enough to know

This is shite mate

 

Feckin’ shite if ever there was some

 

For fucks sake

 

Grow a brain

Yer talkin’ out your arse mate

National embarrassment

 

I mean

Mara bloody linga

Even I

Can spell that.

Flapping Fish Norway

Flapping Flying Fish Norway. The Song.

 

I’m from Norway

 

Flapping fish behind them

 

I’m from Norway

And what we got there

But fish

Oh yeah

 

Fish

Yeah

 

And some big feckin’

Planes

Oh big feckin’ planes

 

Because you know the Russkies

Are Russkying

Up there

 

Quick boys!

Put your bad boy Hot Tub Time Machine cable

Jumpers on

We’re going the Russkies

There is only one passage

And it is our passage!

 

They’ve had a few

Submarine

Blues

 

Remember son

When it is all said and done

 

Broadcast the North Korean

Blasts

Wall to wall

 

But ours are top secret

 

Yeah

 

We’re a lovely bunch of democracies

Some as big as your head

We can’t tell you

About our little blasts

It is top secret

In a democracy

 

They might be more

Than the threat of yore

The nephew crew cut

With a belly of

Pig

 

But we can’t say that

Because we’re curating

Our living space

 

Oh we can’t say that

Because we need to pick up another

Award

For the Fourth Estate

 

And talk about

Our glorious

investigation

That never made the news

 

I mean

It is I just buried in the Bumwaffle Institute of Investigative Cyborgs

Bumwaffle Cyborgs

Bumwaffle Cyborgs

 

You’re not very helpful

No you’re not very helpful

What a good idea to get up every morning for that

 

Bumwaffle Cyborgs

Oh Bumwaffle cyborgs

 

I think we should level you

On the bathroom floor

 

Yeah

We’re so big and tough

Got big muscles

And a really small

…Core

 

Yeah our gang is just totally top secret

And everything we do is just

Really superb

 

And just like the A List

Has a certain cache

Unless you’re

Apache

 

Do you want to be a

Secret Squirrel

You’ll be amazed at how

Tough you become

 

Yeah!

 

We’re just so smart

We’re Bumwaffle Cyborgs

The very elite of the elite

There is only millions of us

Around the globe

 

But each of us is special

In a very special way

There is only millions of us

All around the globe

 

Hiding our very secret

Squirrel stuuuuuuufffffff

Not so very well it would seem

 

But thankfully we have

 

Bumwaffle cyborgs

Bumwaffle Cyborgs

 

Yes

 

Bumwaffle cyyyyybbbboooorrrrgggggs

Will lead the way

And we’re alll

Yoooouuuuuuuurrrrrrsssssss

 

Protagonist: Um, can I have something else please?

 

 

 

Toe Tapping Intellectual Of The

I’m A Toe Tappin’ Intellectual Of the Canberra Variety Song 

 

 

I’m a toe tappin’

Intellectual

Of the Canberra Variety

 

Just look at my shoes

And you got a sense of my

Propriety

 

We totally get off

On long articles

About completely

Nothing

 

And we discuss it

And conferences

That no-one in their right

Mind would want to go to

Unless they had left their

Brain

At the servo

While eating

A muffin

 

Yeah

 

We’re diabolically

Complete

We’ve got string theory

Or laser theorems

Up to our

Big ears

 

And we like to discuss

The theoretical notions

Of human rights in half Pygmy

Land

Or

Water rights

In a totally exotic nation

 

But water rights in our own country

 

Well

 

Ning Nong Moron

Thinks he can bugger with our

Great Barrier Reef

He can piss off

Just piss right off

 

Or we’ll cause a blockade

On our Paddleboard’s

Surfboards from Byron

 

Hell yeah

They got no clue

 

They’re not poisoning the last bastard place

They haven’t botched

With some economic escape

We’ve got fish that look like danglers

Colours to blow your hair

That’d be a great idea

 

No

You can take your dumb arse

Ideas mate

And shove it up another nation

 

You boys have lots of big places

You can toxify the waters

It’s only a national treasure

A marine protected zone

 

A world’s best

That you can’t test

You bastardised the Pacific

Now bugger off

Or we’ll form

A human

Shield

 

Oh we’re a toe tappin’ bureaucrat

In the world’s most boring place

You’re not allowed to say that

Or they wear a very long face

 

They like to wear their shirts

Like the bastards you avoided at school

 

Yeah

 

They’re totally

Boronic

 

Totally

Moronic

 

And the most

Boring Decals

You’ll ever get to

Knnnnooooowwwwwww

 

Avoid at all costs.

Hello Al Jazeera

 

Hello Al Jazeera we are in lockdown!

Someone threatened rich media blah blaher in rich country which host World Cup soccer and have ear of Emir and we need full page ad in New York Times!

No worries about those little Mussie mules in occupied territory!

We are real ones threatened.

Can you imagine being locked up in air conditioned bunker and thrown $ to write stories about gasps unfair things unfair fair things we are important and we not be threatened!

Lucky poor people have us.

Yes.

We save them by using our mouth.

Very lots of money for using our mouth.

Jared Kushner not know how play things no!

MMMM

Jared think we going to fall for economic real estate bonanza?

He look like cyborg with cheekbones, I think stem cell fell into his face and then spread to Western journalist.

They know nothing!

We already make cyber hokey pokey Israelis not know how we do it! You think they only ones know how to tap into computer?

Look our computers here!  Shows a shell of an 80’s computer we learn great things from Chinese and Russians and more money than you so we no longer fast cars and whores baby! This new Middle East.

You no I M PEI me, Look how great we are and we only small Arab tribe with many wives? How many wives you got?

We so democracy, look how democracy we are! We too have poor people build our stuff! They no air conditioning but wait!

Dubai think they only one make snow?

We do better! We bigger.

How many clouds Donald’s mansion have on roof huh? We have clouds on roofs mall and poor people can see too!

We Al Jazeera democracy baby.

We fight like real heroes.

I not know where we get money for full frontal nudity claim in New York Times.

No can tell.

Emir cut my balls off if I tell.

Sorry Poor Winston

 

 

Sorry Poor Winston

She was heard to cry

Raising a glass

To the Hero of the Night

 

A Hero He Not,

She would gladly oblige

Staking a Claim to a Very Big Sky

 

Sorry Poor Winston

Was A Hopeless Fool

Selling off the Empire

With a Conversation or Two

To New Kid on Block

 

Agreed No Less

They Probably Had Sex

In the Chair, she led

 

To Those in the Know

They knew what was Next

 

‘It was Eleanor not of Aquitaine

Who ran The Lot

She Probably Got Winston

Drunk on The Pot

 

And there Went The Empire

Down The Gurgler or Two

Agreed Between Men

And Women a Few

 

Shapeless and Faceless

They Determine the Fate

Still the Same

Blank Faces

Curious Names

And No Status

 

There Went the Empire

They Were Ready

Alright

 

What a Glorious Moment

No Longer the Madam of the East

Or Regal Brow

Poor England Fought the Fascists

But Lost the Crown

 

And Ere Twixt My Words

Runs a Warning To those

Most Cowed 

 

When it is Lost

And You Have Lost It

When your Leaders Chose

Foreign Gods As Their

Wrestling Proud

 

Remember Sweet Darling

All Could Ave Been Different

But Chose They Did

For a Quid and a Pound

 

Sold You All Off

As You Were Being Bombed to The Ground

And Still you Triumphant

The Western Rule of Law

Didn’t Do Too Much, Did It

When They Broke You To Pieces

 

Oh Glorious England,

Oh Countries of Foreign Soil

An Empire is Forbidding

But Watch the One

Egging On

The Ministries

 

It Might Be That Same One

That Delights

Most

In Your Prostrate

Form

 

Ah what are these

But small postscripts to history’s play!

 

Poor Winston

A Fool

Sold it off for a Few

 

Gather Ye round

And protect your Lot

For she is not backward

But history’s

Snot.’

 

(She sneezed

And it blew

And she cautioned

Her Way

Not Lot

But Snot

Rushdie

Nose &

Delightfully

Prosetic)

Well

 

 

Well we didn’t like the idea that we were Heston! It simply isn’t true!

It was a joke you boronic imbecile. What is the with the dumbo ships and Iran

It has caused a right royal pain

Oh pffuffle. You’re up to your neck in intrigue. Imagine when Paddington gets in. ‘The Boorish Bear Ignites Male Fantasy’. First, the Prim Governess May and now a Bear to help all the Etonians feel loved. Gosh, you have moved on England.

The Huawei

I can never pronounce it. How do I pronounce it? Good old Angela making sure the Yanks get it right up the proverbial. I guess she doesn’t like to be reminded of enemies. And walls. And wars. Funny that. Only decimated the whole productive country for decades. Why would they have a thing about it? Who would have thought? A former devastated country thinking twice about choosing. Gosh. Those Germans must have read a book or two. Who knew.

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