OzTraya

(Red curtain, glittery very Baz)

schoolroom with teacher

‘Welcome Kids. Today I am going to introduce you to the native species of Australia. Snakes, spiders, possums and perhaps even a selfish little troglodyte wombat. But we still love them. Anything that makes us money. Now stand back. They won’t hurt. Just don’t let them anywhere near you and your digital wallet.’

Kids stuff phones back into clothes.

Curtain goes up

Big truck.

Out of it pour men in tight white t-shirts and stubbies. They lower back and carry something out like servants carrying bamboo throne. It is Gina Rinehart on a bamboo throne. Got a pith helmet on. They lift her deftly onto her feet. She is wearing one of those kaftan things, bejewelled.

G’DAY

I’m GINA

She is on roller skates, with roller girls behind her.

I’m substantial

Yeah I am substantial

Just like my wealth

We like it big over here

So I went big

Chorus: yeah big

Look at me now

I’m the Queen of it all

Latifah ain’t got nothin’

On me

Just ditch

The little witch

After your father’s drawers

A mail order bride called Rose

Well

I am the thorn

In that little debacle

And before you know it

The Asian beat with the

Mans in Mosman Park

Was running out the door

After I hit the legal beat

And ate her alive

Chorus: Yum Yum Yum

(Gina on the phone)

Oh Imelda

Rose wants your shoes

She needs to sell them for the court case

Gina Aside: Just on the phone to Manila

If you wanna Lady Macbeth

You better get lost

Dead beat

In WA we breed ‘em big

With biiiiiiig

Shimmies

Mines

That are mine

Oh and a few Chinese

But that’s a small matter

I’m in command

If we’re gunna rip it and

Truck it

It will be my famileeeeeeee

Those I speak to of course

That will enjoy

WA’s

Royalties

Chorus: laugh and throw money

Yeah I am big

Big damn it

So terribly big

My brain weighs as much

As my

Bullion bars

It’s just what this country needs

Is another powerful

Ranger

Like me

Pauline please

You can’t fuck with us

No sirreeee

We’re tight like

Reptilian danger

In the desert heat

You’re on your own

A big Mack

A convoy

That’s me

Ya either are

Or Not

In the Pilbara

And I happen to own quite a large stake

Who knew?

Yeah I’m big baby

Yeah quite substantial

A rhyming delightful

Financial

Behemoth

There ain’t enough cloth

To cover this glorious

Pot

Of gold

So get used to

Big Red

Cause you’re

Dust

In the Kimberley

Have a few hectares

I mean why not?

I own it all

and I’m big

And I’m red

I’m Gina

A pot

Of gold

Dammit.

2. Wang Yi saunters on stage

Surrounded by boys in grey suits, on phones

Very camp

I’m Wang YI

Well as you know

I know it all

I’m petite

But replete

With

Accuracies

Look at me smile

Look at me angry

Look at me talking

Look at me at ASEAN

So radically

Different

Expressions

Of the same thing

Hello Bjorn Borg!

I’m not going to admit to

A little of the tox

And arched eyebrow

Here or there

Is a sign of our

Magnificent empire

Don’t you think?

A little curve here

And a little curve there

Just gotta try and hide all the

Intention

Yes I am Wang Yi

A veritable little Mandarin treat

I have the ear the ear

President Xi

Whatever must be conveyed

I display with my

Rigor

Gait

You’d never know

How old I am

Oh go on, guess!

My energetic

Conveyances

And photogenic

Ableness

Makes me the very picture

Of a perfect

Diplomatic gentleman

I am petite

But replete

With accuracies

We’re building an empire

Never seen before

Well for a few thousand years but ours is better….

And if I may say

I am nimble and with grace

Forget Marty Natelgawa

Compared to me

He was a fraud

(Poor little ASEAN tributaries

Whenever will they learn?)

My name is Wang Yi

Don’t talk currency to me

Shadow banking oh

Pollution please

Have you see the nuclear

Pores?

Excellent don’t you think?

That Westinghouse…

Must give them some feedback..

When I speak to the Europeans

About the solar panels

They do like to complain while selling

Mouldy cheese

Not bad wine though

And they aren’t bad

When we want to give it to the

Yanks

A bit of Iranian crude never hurt anyone

We’re right up to date

We’ve dammed

The Yangtze

We’ve controlled the poor

Out of that green and red

Upgraded little underlings

Have designer bags on call

Isn’t it great

The poor white trash

About the place

Western Civilisation

Really needs an update

I mean really

All that money and no taste?

Good lord

They aren’t Queen Elizabeth

A few Mussies on the West

A minor blip

Seriously

Compared to Nepal

Oh yes I’d like a little territory there

What about a neat little red pin

Oh yes

I like that circle

Can we enlarge it

Avoid

The Saffron yellow

So pesky

Those little Bodhi tubs

What do you mean we need the water?

Oh don’t read into things

You’re a little simple

Let’s do this in Mandarin

Or should we stick to

Canberra

Strine

Yeah whatever you say

Marise Paaaaaayne

Or was that

Christopher Pyyyyyne

The issues we must

Face

Speaking of excellent faces

Mine

From Africa to the Belt and Toad

the Arctic and beyond

I’m a master

In a glorious age

It’s all mine

Artificial intelligence I ain’t

But you can hypothesise

I’m so incredibly perfect

And

Our robotics

And electronics

Are going to rule the world

Or perhaps just a bit

When I’ve done all the deals

I don’t like to boast

Did you see them all here on the

Red carpet?

Poor pets need money!

And we have a few thousand cheap workers

So a real win win

I mean would you trust half of them

With your railway?

Good god no

No red envelope for you!

Didn’t I see one of your boats in the Sth China Sea?

Well that shirt has Yankee written on the back

Suddenly I can’t seem to find my chequebook

Go find a Patriot somewhere in Alabama or wherever they

Breed Crocodiles

My name is Wang Yi

And I never lose face

Because mine is so absolutely

Perfect

Just watch me

You have to watch me

I’m on TV all the time

I’m replete

And petite

But with accuracy

With eye arches to die for

Political connections

Throughout

The globe

My name is Wang Yi

Don’t confuse me with Xi

You’ll remember me

Because you’ll remember

All the deals baby

I mean, who held it together

Mao or Zhou Enlai?

You’ll remember all my lines

Sweetie

They were mine

Oh glorious

Mine.

Poses

Is this the right angle?

Where is CGTN?

3. Frank Lowy saunters on stage

As if talking to a female reporter at Lowy Institute

I’ve sat opposite them

Yeah

I’ve sat with them at the table

Darling you don’t know sweet FA

By the way, can we set up our own?

I was thinking Australian soccer

Any money in it?

No nepotism

My son will run it

the good looking silver fox

best to keep it in the family

In a democracy

But look

In negotiations with these lot

You have to look after your own

I’ve run the biggest

Shopping enterprise

You’ll ever see

And if you look down

You’ll never see it coming

So baby, please

With these lot

From the North

You’ve got to look

After your own

I came here with nothing

We’re a powerhouse

Shopping malls in that thing oh yeah London

A small little outfit in the New York

What do you expect?

I’m a good looking

Little little boy who did good

In Blacktown

I can’t help it

I just got it

Baby

Yeah I’m Frank

That’s with an F for

Pause

Financial

And the Review you’re in is probably

Mine

I probably own this

I mean, c’mon, just a few acquisitions here and there

I wasn’t to know

That people wanted to sell and buy stuff

It was a fluke

You know how it goes

When you’re F

Pause

For Financial

But let me tell you

The here and the now

If we continue to think

That we can just let them come in from the North

and

Run it

We’ll be in trouble

And I know

Because I know everything

I mean don’t I?

I have my own institute

A think tank

Named after yours truly

Take that Henry

and Paul

According to me

The vital subjects of the day

Are here to stay

I own a think tank

For gods sake

It was very easy to set up really

Just a few million

With the movement of the people

And the capital steeple

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