(Red curtain, glittery very Baz) 


schoolroom with teacher 


‘Welcome Kids. Today I am going to introduce you to the native species of Australia. Snakes, spiders, possums and perhaps even a selfish little troglodyte wombat. But we still love them. Anything that makes us money. Now stand back. They won’t hurt. Just don’t let them anywhere near you and your digital wallet.’


Kids stuff phones back into clothes.


Curtain goes up 


Big truck.


Out of it pour men in tight white t-shirts and stubbies. They lower back and carry something out like servants carrying bamboo throne. It is Gina Rinehart on a bamboo throne. Got a pith helmet on. They lift her deftly onto her feet. She is wearing one of those kaftan things, bejewelled. 






She is on roller skates, with roller girls behind her.


I’m substantial

Yeah I am substantial

Just like my wealth

We like it big over here

So I went big


Chorus: yeah big


Look at me now

I’m the Queen of it all

Latifah ain’t got nothin’

On me


Just ditch

The little witch

After your father’s drawers

A mail order bride called Rose



I am the thorn

In that little debacle


And before you know it

The Asian beat with the

Mans in Mosman Park

Was running out the door

After I hit the legal beat

And ate her alive


Chorus: Yum Yum Yum


(Gina on the phone)


Oh Imelda

Rose wants your shoes

She needs to sell them for the court case


Gina Aside: Just on the phone to Manila 


If you wanna Lady Macbeth

You better get lost

Dead beat


In WA we breed ‘em big

With biiiiiiig



That are mine

Oh and a few Chinese

But that’s a small matter


I’m in command

If we’re gunna rip it and

Truck it

It will be my famileeeeeeee

Those I speak to of course

That will enjoy




Chorus: laugh and throw money


Yeah I am big

Big damn it

So terribly big

My brain weighs as much

As my

Bullion bars


It’s just what this country needs

Is another powerful


Like me


Pauline please

You can’t fuck with us

No sirreeee

We’re tight like

Reptilian danger

In the desert heat

You’re on your own


A big Mack

A convoy

That’s me

Ya either are

Or Not

In the Pilbara


And I happen to own quite a large stake

Who knew?


Yeah I’m big baby

Yeah quite substantial

A rhyming delightful




There ain’t enough cloth

To cover this glorious


Of gold


So get used to

Big Red

Cause you’re


In the Kimberley

Have a few hectares

I mean why not?


I own it all

and I’m big

And I’m red


I’m Gina


A pot

Of gold



2. Wang Yi saunters on stage 


Surrounded by boys in grey suits, on phones 


Very camp


I’m Wang YI 


Well as you know

I know it all

I’m petite

But replete




Look at me smile

Look at me angry

Look at me talking

Look at me at ASEAN


So radically



Of the same thing

Hello Bjorn Borg!


I’m not going to admit to

A little of the tox

And arched eyebrow

Here or there

Is a sign of our

Magnificent empire

Don’t you think?


A little curve here

And a little curve there

Just gotta try and hide all the



Yes I am Wang Yi

A veritable little Mandarin treat

I have the ear the ear

President Xi


Whatever must be conveyed

I display with my



You’d never know

How old I am

Oh go on, guess!


My energetic


And photogenic


Makes me the very picture

Of a perfect

Diplomatic gentleman


I am petite

But replete

With accuracies


We’re building an empire

Never seen before

Well for a few thousand years but ours is better….


And if I may say

I am nimble and with grace

Forget Marty Natelgawa

Compared to me

He was a fraud


(Poor little ASEAN tributaries

Whenever will they learn?)


My name is Wang Yi

Don’t talk currency to me

Shadow banking oh

Pollution please


Have you see the nuclear


Excellent don’t you think?

That Westinghouse…

Must give them some feedback..


When I speak to the Europeans

About the solar panels

They do like to complain while selling

Mouldy cheese 

Not bad wine though

And they aren’t bad

When we want to give it to the



A bit of Iranian crude never hurt anyone 


We’re right up to date

We’ve dammed

The Yangtze

We’ve controlled the poor

Out of that green and red

Upgraded little underlings

Have designer bags on call


Isn’t it great

The poor white trash

About the place

Western Civilisation

Really needs an update

I mean really

All that money and no taste?

Good lord

They aren’t Queen Elizabeth


A few Mussies on the West

A minor blip


Compared to Nepal

Oh yes I’d like a little territory there

What about a neat little red pin

Oh yes

I like that circle


Can we enlarge it


The Saffron yellow

So pesky

Those little Bodhi tubs


What do you mean we need the water?

Oh don’t read into things

You’re a little simple

Let’s do this in Mandarin

Or should we stick to




Yeah whatever you say

Marise Paaaaaayne

Or was that

Christopher Pyyyyyne


The issues we must


Speaking of excellent faces



From Africa to the Belt and Toad

the Arctic and beyond

I’m a master

In a glorious age

It’s all mine

Artificial intelligence I ain’t

But you can hypothesise

I’m so incredibly perfect



Our robotics

And electronics

Are going to rule the world

Or perhaps just a bit


When I’ve done all the deals

I don’t like to boast

Did you see them all here on the

Red carpet?

Poor pets need money!

And we have a few thousand cheap workers

So a real win win

I mean would you trust half of them

With your railway?


Good god no


No red envelope for you!


Didn’t I see one of your boats in the Sth China Sea?

Well that shirt has Yankee written on the back

Suddenly I can’t seem to find my chequebook

Go find a Patriot somewhere in Alabama or wherever they

Breed Crocodiles


My name is Wang Yi

And I never lose face

Because mine is so absolutely



Just watch me

You have to watch me

I’m on TV all the time




I’m replete

And petite

But with accuracy


With eye arches to die for

Political connections


The globe

My name is Wang Yi

Don’t confuse me with Xi


You’ll remember me

Because you’ll remember

All the deals baby

I mean, who held it together

Mao or Zhou Enlai?


You’ll remember all my lines


They were mine

Oh glorious





Is this the right angle?


Where is CGTN?


3. Frank Lowy saunters on stage 


As if talking to a female reporter at Lowy Institute


I’ve sat opposite them


I’ve sat with them at the table


Darling you don’t know sweet FA


By the way, can we set up our own?

I was thinking Australian soccer

Any money in it?

No nepotism

My son will run it

the good looking silver fox

best to keep it in the family

In a democracy


But look

In negotiations with these lot

You have to look after your own


I’ve run the biggest

Shopping enterprise

You’ll ever see

And if you look down

You’ll never see it coming


So baby, please

With these lot

From the North

You’ve got to look

After your own


I came here with nothing

We’re a powerhouse

Shopping malls in that thing oh yeah London

A small little outfit in the New York

What do you expect?


I’m a good looking

Little little boy who did good

In Blacktown

I can’t help it

I just got it



Yeah I’m Frank

That’s with an F for



And the Review you’re in is probably



I probably own this


I mean, c’mon, just a few acquisitions here and there

I wasn’t to know

That people wanted to sell and buy stuff

It was a fluke

You know how it goes


When you’re F


For Financial


But let me tell you

The here and the now


If we continue to think

That we can just let them come in from the North


Run it

We’ll be in trouble

And I know

Because I know everything

I mean don’t I?


I have my own institute

A think tank

Named after yours truly

Take that Henry

and Paul


According to me

The vital subjects of the day

Are here to stay


I own a think tank

For gods sake


It was very easy to set up really

Just a few million

With the movement of the people

And the capital steeple


You might like an office at Barangaroo

Governor Philip if you want some privacy


Have you seen the restorations in the

Middle of the CBD

Quite tasteful I think


Got an OBE

So I know


But yes,

I’m Frank

And I’m Sydney

And every other capital city you care to name


We’re pushing the info

Of the very important Diplo

To determine the events of the



I’ve sat on all the boards

I know what we’re facing towards

With a little bit of urbane



For Work


They’ve come and gone

With their ideals and their


While I’ve cleaned up

With Shirley

On the Sydney shores

Point Piper


Just a boy who made it big

In Blacktown

Not Bankstown

I prefer accuracy, not near Paul

Although I know him

Do you?

I know everyone


I’m Frank


And I’ve got it baby


I just can’t help it


It’s part of the nature

Of being

Powerful Abroad


I’d reckon that bag

Was probably purchased in one of my


A bit cheap looking

Have you checked out Dior this season


I will keep the Globe safe

From the type that won’t negotiate in good faith

And we need more good faith

To buy goods

Of course


Oh it was purely a philanthropic idea


A little immigration

To pacify the imagination

And leave the Australian legacy



If we want a bit of a stake

In the game that is great

You gotta pull hard and fast

Across the table


yeah I’m Frank


And I’m terribly




I am Australia really

In a nutshell


If you need a bit of calming down

A rousing sport to help you win

The crown

I’m all yours darling


I’m an ambitious Australian




From a tool maker in



I’m your man


Your country


Your crown


And highly




Financially Responsible.


Last line with a wink 


Where is Steven and Peter?

We have a pre-match function to get to.

And try to avoid the Wanderers crowd

Last time a firecracker

Nearly hit the



To audience:


I love it, don’t you?




Scene One 


Straight intoGeorge Pell in black. Fires of hell light up stage. Cross striding across stage, in song, very Quasimodo. The double entendre considering the sex scandals can refer to male/females 


So you think do you 

You got rid of me? 

The gypsy queens 

Trying to replace me!


How dare they 

Spin that fleshy foul

Temptresses be damned! 


I will not look!

I will not be made 


A Slave to their 


To make me

The Fool 


Who are these people? 

What structure do they think controls 

The very slats of the new era!


Why black robes 

Is very Beresford

A cinematic genius realised our 

Necessity on the vast sweep 

of Human Canvas!


What I need 

Is a really good people’s 


Someone to tie my fate

With goodness and civic 



We got to spin this thing

Before we become 



Australian Idol! Hmph. 


They think now that any mere wasp

Can come and take what is not rightfully theirs? 


These heathen craven jousts 


Gyration temptation oh save me Lord on knees 


When such jewels are littered before us 

Wearing the crown of paradise 


Bondi/beach scene

good looking men and women who then take towels and make suggestive moves before breaking out into dance Madge/Kylie etc 


Just like a prayer 

Let me take you there 

A mystery 

You are not what you are 





It’s enough to make me cry out oh Lord

Where is a right wing putsch 

When your crotch is aching! 


Miranda Miranda Janet Janet


Big Face of Young Boy on transparent Curtain behind George.


Chorus sing/dance 


Can’t get you out of my head

Boy your love is all that I think about etc 


Pell groans loudly. Dissolves into puddles like the Wicked Witch behind Boy Image. Boys in Red sequins thongs come on and incense around stage.


Chorus sing: 

Can’t get You Out Of My Head


Scene Two: 


Girl comes along 


Oh look. Someone left their shoes behind. 


Slipper with big GP on them. She chucks them over her shoulder. 


Bastards really need to learn to recycle 


Um listen. 

I am Fate. 

Yeah that’s me name. 

Don’t wear it out.


They dropped me from the flamin’ sky 

Was hoping for a real mad rush 

Instead I got a note saying

The bloody Aussies need a real good push 


Been living like the Carpe Diem

Bags of gold from every side 


Mate I said 


No real drama 

Dyin’ to wax a board and check the Car Mate

Sort of like Karma but with a wicked 



Can you just tell me 

The problems we need to sort 

Before they call me 

And not Obama? 


Music like trumpets


Cause let’s face it 




Lights dim


When the world rages 

When the light seems ..not just dim but particularly obtuse 


There’s nothing like a 

Good human…..


To make me feel 

Like Sin 



So I talk myself up

I forget all my celestial woes 

Or the job offers in the bin


I might be a little transparent 

I might be a little OTT

But nothing is ever too much 

For Fate to step in 

And they need some bloody good rain!


Like Maria


So I pack up my stead

I stay firm in my brain 

Or cerebral cortex whatever you like to say


Because let’s face it 

There’s sex in this town!


I want some Aussie flesh

Just a little taste of the mortal 

I promise I won’t hurt 

A bit of skin on skin 


I’m only a God 

Diana the Crown 

Venus on the Make 

Disguised as fate 

To see who wants the 



Clips off like Dorothy


I just want a view 

A big bloody view 

Something a little Whale Beach 

oh god even North Bondi 

Will do, 


Is there a dress code? 

Should I wear some Upside? 

Mineral makeup or 


Is Parlour X open? 


With clipboard

Frank and Gina and oh Wang Xi, where is the Canberra candidate oh wait 


Kevin Julia Malcolm 

Oh look 

Eleanor Plibersek 

Wants a run 

Side stage Tanya practising her speech


Sometimes the word 

Comes along 

A veritable discursive bite

That sums it all up

yeah here it is 

And it is…..

Um Yeah…

it is 

Oh yeah that’s it



AC/DC plays 


They need me NOW 

Lucky I’m all over the outdoor ensemble 

Little boxing near the Botanic Gardens 

Outdoor swim anyone? 

God it’s so hard to be Australian 

Off for a coffee 

Betta get a table for two for lunch

Maybe Aria? 

Then off to the Wharf

And later 

A festival 

Can’t miss a festival 


God it is so tough

it is bloody remarkable

We even have time 

To invest all the marbles 


Yeah they’re talking up woe

The dollar real low

No-one believes it 

Because we were all going to tank 



Yeah they don’t understand 


We’re managing the Uptake

People like me





Slightly remarkable 


Now what did the note say from Sydney – oh yeah: 


Dear Fate, or 

Goddess on Ekky

Get out you lunatic 

And grow a spine 



I can’t I am celestial


Because bloody hell 

You selfish


We haven’t even bought a house yet 


Wake Up Mate

It’s only the whole globe

No no need to worry


I mean


It’s only millions of people

Waiting for you to 

Create something great 


When we said go slow

We didn’t say

Mope like MO 


The Western Sydney Wanderers

Are Making You Look Good



Please hurry up

Or we’ll sub in a 







It’s Fate

Our Time is Here 

I’m heading out strong


We got our boards

We got our ideas 

We got to play it sharp

We got to get the mongrels 

Out on top 


No time to lose

No time to waste 

Can we find any money

We’ve got to take this 



I’m not afraid

I’m not alone

But maybe just maybe if I get the Aussies on board 

We can nix 

The Global Shit Show 


It’s been ten years

And I’ll have to dive in

Cause it is clear to me 

We’ve got to nix 

The Global Shit Show 


We’ll drag them away

From the bloody papers 


We’ll find a start up

And motor through

With sparkling 

Beautifully enhanced



I caaaaaan do it!

We caaaan do it! 


When I rumble with the little

Aussie bumble 

We’ll spread a heavenly glow

The little cherub

With a hybrid DNA 

Will look like a Hemsworth

But bite like 





It’s basically all on my shoulders. 

Not even a problem. 

God, what am I going to wear? 




Two people on phone. 


Aussie + Yank. 


Yeah Pine Gap 


What you hearin’ 


None of your bees wax. Top secret. 


I’m the Yanks mate. We need to know. 


Oh yeah well. Bit of that. Bit of so and so. Short for code. 


Yeah, we got the lingo. We’d like some more info. Please.


Listen have to say. My Indonesian isn’t great. 


You mean Bahasa? 


That too. Or Cantonese. The English however tip toe. 


We’ve got a few ships in view


Yeah we saw the dinghy’s on Pay per View. I reckon it’s not a bad screen size. Can just see your boys doing a bit of a oh no 


That’s enough! We need to know about foreign submarines in these important waters 


You got any daughters? 




I’m just making you drink clinkity clink. While we wait for the info to sink in. 


Can you repeat that Australia? I am having a hard time understanding the code. 


Yeah we made it up. All just new. We’ll send you the quantum key when the flea hits the toad and we know how to row. 


What on earth? 


The boats you know. Had a bit of session last night we decided to mix it up test our crew. Well I’ll be buggered they have lost the oh shit I think we played bingo with the 


Are you serious 


Who knew? ha. Just kiddin’. Well not really. But when they get out of bed, we’ll let you know. See, we’re pretty good at this it seems. See this hand? That hand? No clue. Not a fark of a quark to collide the joint ions and eons ago 


Blue! Blue! This isn’t funny we’re on a tight schedule 




Yeah, so are we. We’ll get back to you in ten. That’s code for Bo who is seriously, shit, pissing on your road show. spin a Proton or two, crack a few over the accelerator and we’ll be back with you in a mo. You’ll have to stay quiet or just hang back on the Contiki Go Low. BTW Can you send us over some 3D goggles for the Alice Camel 2k Pro?

Puts down phone laughs starts singing dancing. Strips to undies does it on long table, stripping off clothes as he goes. 




I’m too sexy for my Quark 

Too sexy for my Quark 


Too sexy 

Too sexy

By Far 


I’m a Crypto Model 

You know what I mean 

I do a little dance on the 



Yeah the Yankwalk 


We do a little dance for the 



I’m a model 

You know what I mean 

I keep my little eye on the 



I’m too sexy for this song 


Yank: I have no idea what is going on. 


Scene Four: 


Good looking man. Suit. 


Consistency is the very nature of our very serious business 

I was there you know in Tehran 

And again in Afghanistan 

In fact well I’ve been around 

I meld into whatever little scene 

Requires my cunning good fortune 


It’s the State 

Yes the State 

Or well that blurry little thing 

That seems to blend the financial with the military 

In a political chord 

Great orchard 


We like to pick and choose 

Grafting the best onto the most appropriate 



Things do change so fast 

Dear me 

Isn’t it terrible when it all goes 

Pear shaped? 


I mean the poor little pets 

And we do our best 

With the necessary funding 

So hard to see such 



But you have to in the end 

Think about Statecraft and 

Financial blend 

Yes blend 


We are not hear to impose our will 

But make sure freedom and democracy remain 

Forever……forever…….um forever 



Because we all know how 

Consistent we can be 

Yes consistency is the ultimate 


Unfortunately sometimes some people don’t know 


But that’s not my problem. 


May I suggest a 

Belt and Road 

Not the frog and toad 

A little travel around 

Check out the new 


Oh dear 

I can’t say much 

I am the very model of a model



Did you check the threads?

Got this snipped at a barber 

Has a bar and a view 

Looking at nails


Now no need to get all hot and bothered 

About that little Palestinian fix 

We’ve got the solution

You just have to wait 

Until the agendas fit 


All in good time 

What there is no need to rush 

We may have Balfoured the whole declaration 

But we’ll get around to it in time 


There is negotiation and meetings 

A summit and a Dialogue 

Followed by an Accord and possibly an election 

Necessary human rights observers 

Of course 


We’ve got a few trails in the social media 


We’ll pull out a person 

That can front the whole thing

It is entirely organised and very much the thing


You won’t know what is happening

We cloud our fingerprints 

Just wait 

We’re onto it darling 


Everything takes time

Now sit back and don’t worry

It’s all just fine. 


I just have to remember 

Not to tell

Annabelle Crabbe

She’ll blab to Leigh in an instant


Perhaps Christiane or Anderson will do?