(on computer, swimming goggles, talking to Yak Yak)

Yeah I got ‘em on. Sort of like infra red. Can you see anything? 

What about a goat? 

Can I laser my veins at the same time?

What if I press this button?

Has this got a Flucrum 3D Sonic Detection and Ranging System?

Why not? I can’t see the pipelines. I need real time flows. 

Oh yeah I heard that.

Oh but what about Bhutan 

Oh yeah? 

You’re kiddin’?

And what about the lines in Ladakh?

Nah dunno. Haven’t got there yet. 

OMG who is going to pony up the money for Imran?

I know he is available

sound of phone

Shit quick! It is AC! Everyone, assume positions!

(Ewok, Yogi and Yowie, huddled around computer, hide under bed) 

Hello my liddle darlin’!



Oh no, I was just daydreamin’ about you!

Oh that must be soooo exhausting.

Oh really. Who polished your boots this morning? You know no-one can do it quite like me! 

Did they use the lanolin or pigs fat?

If I was closer darlin’, I would. But that tropical heat, well, I could only do it if it was illegit. Gladys has us bunkered down so we can finish our tax. 

Yeah, a real fox that one. 

I have no idea what you are talking about.

Um well… I am. I am. I just…um, you know me. Just sittin’ quietly no doin’ anythin’. Dreamin’ of you.

Do you need help inflating the dinghy? I have the pump in the garage, I’ll get it out in a sec.

Lucky those boys are so strong. How do they do it. Must be all those push ups.

Have you grounded me because I was only going to say a few nice words to the Yankee boys. 

That’s an imputation I can’t agree with I am afraid. You can leave that to your morning briefing.

Arrowroot? Jesus. Exactly. Precisely. 

Smell something? No. Nothing going on here. 

(rolls her eyes toward the bed, EWOK and co smoking joint)

Have the Americans given’ you new technology have they? Can they smell things via the telephone?

I better take my smart watch off. They’ll know when I’ve smuggled a Tim Tam into Yak Yak.

computer starts beeping

What? No. It’s not Yak Yak.

(bangs computer hard, to try and turn it off)

No. No. He is not trying to help me cheat. 

Yak Yak comes off and on briefly

I have no idea. 

Yak Yak talks, screen blinks, hits it again

Um well, I have worked that out. I am just deliberatin’. 

You always say good things take time.

Well if you ask me, um well, our side played extremely well under difficult conditions, we did the best we could after some changes to our training and our forwards were exceptional in attack and at the end of the day, it is the players on the field you remember… nothing was left to chance, and shit yeah, they’ll get player of the match.  Might need a mouth guard though if you’re giving lip. laughs I’ve always said that about beauticians when you’re getting waxed. Keep your mouth shut.

Gina? Her hoochie? God no, Ewok would never smuggle it in contraband for us all to enjoy. We’re too disciplined. Engaged. waves smoke, glares at co under bed. they smile.

Oh the closest he got to being a rockstar was a gastric band. So he is in no position to judge.

The clocks in his house run on daylight savings just to avoid him. Can you imagine being on the same time zone? It would be like the shadow of doom. 

‘Agnes, Agnes, what about the human rights.’ He makes the grim reaper look like Bert Newton. 

PJ is helpin’ me. We’re gettin’ ready for Canbra. 


Oh darlin’, it rhymes with Homer. Never forget that. I’m gettin’ it with diamantes on the jacket so they know who owns it.

Over and out snugglepot.