‘Halo, Halo DFAT! Halo my little baby I luffff youuuuuu’ 


Asha Asha I luff youuuuuuuu 


Hello Hello you work here no? Here in big building where big girls work in important no? Oh my god you Asian? You Chinese? You Singaporean or Mainland Chink Chong? 


Naaawwwww???? You look like nice rich rich super rich you no mainland no? 


Tsk tsk those shoes no good dahling, naw we like something bling blingity bling yeah can tell you from DFAT chain gang dahlink, what you do there? You type ity type with those little fingers (grabs fingers) oh naaaaaayyycccceeeeee Yeah they nice rool nice you no trash dahling what you do in there? You export me? I live sheep I pretty lovely lamb no mutton no I dooonnnnnn wannnnaaa go on the ship it to hooot, no I can’t, no La Mer for me on hot ship, me australian lamb, top quality live export 


Oh I see


Oh Middle East 


Same same. Middle East like Asia too no? How many languages you speak you speak what? Fendi? I speak Fendi you speak Fendi? Just little look in there, quiet like little lamb, I tippity toe like Punk Panther Punk Panther and I we no Silence of the Lambs we standing tall and DFAT baby no? More money for UUUUSSSSS!!! We Australian Noveau Riche!! How many apartments you got? 


How many? 


But I need you baby don go, yoou my new Asian friend! We take over world together! You want IP! I got IP baby!!! 


Oh here is another one she look very serious very serious DFAT business Franky and Linda and Marise you no fuck wid the ladies people, they flip you on the mat you no hanky panky  


Hello Serious Sally who you it? 


I said you you it what you do in there I come wid u, (talks on Fendi shoe) hello hello we just coming through yes I will be there in a Jiffy I waiting to be molested by security guard but I only have pretend computa I no want to get in ze liddle trouble in oone of the big houses 


Oh hello! (waves) Oh hello! Very nice people these nice people they no look like robots at all! (Waves in front of face) No they seem human and everytink. I think. Where we go dahling oh sorry Mr Security I VIP I VIP I Dotty Scotty’s DFAT trade liasoning it too much for me but he love me what I do? What I do? 


(cut to a Beyonce clip on the roof with the Parli House in the background with all staffers) 


If you liked it 

You should have put a ring on it

If you liked it 

Should have put a ring on it

We run the world!

Who runs the world? 

We do! 

Who runs the world?

We do!


dance number


cut to interview with serious pencil 


‘So let’s say you have a round of beers. How big are the round of beers for trade with the US? But with your arms like this how big? And how big round of beers for China? How big round of beers for Uk? Like little FTA like little red bus or big Thomas the Tank Engine big? ‘


(Goes over to the desk, start picking up all the things on the desk, throwing them up and down, hiding behind the curtains dressing like a ballroom dress) 


And how much big money from China? Like Secret City big? Or big like BBIIIIIIIGGGGG? 


You take money from China? You take money from Yankee big ship take you on nice dinner I bet? Where you go? Canberra Civic? 


Refugees hide on big ship? Those big Yankee money ships bigger than 500 cars! I think. I don know. I don know. But no swimming pools like PnO. No slip and slide I no layke. I think no fun. You like? You like big Yankee ships? 


Yeah. Secret City. You like Secrets. I know you! Me too. Well, naht really (crosses fingers and then blesses herself kisses beads) I promised to Him when I not doing Scotty from The Shire and dahling it come from the Tush That Walks because that will light up like no tomorrow when 


Oh I am sorry. Work? Work? What work? Here! laughs You no work dahling you take rich little ambassadors spawn to talkey talkey no? Soo much fun. Just like PR but like with little countries and stuff. Who we do this week? 


Who we do? I mean, where Malaysian Brunei oil king for me I Petronas you sideways. I do for free. You hotel COVID overseas trip you two weeks together? 


Naw? Oh you no fun. They have cameras here? You do it all on side? 


Well I learn real quick so your DFAT honey pot safe with me sugar yeah mmm thas for sure 


starts singing 


I’m Your Baby Tonight by Whitney Houston or I Touch Myself by Divinyls


Oh look Minister!!!!


Halo Halo!!! Halo Halo!!!!


Halo Mr Wonkey Wonk Wonk Plonkety Plonk I here to make us Richie Rich! 


Oh he a little bawing little man need some food u stinky thin you get Bali belly or no? Too much Bali belly? tsk tsk bawls LINDA! LINDA! LINDA! Where Linda? She Five Eyes or no? 


sighs  I told yah no late to Zoom date? What she for late to Zoom? No good for us! We DFAT an everything I think I look good on that desk, no? But no Sharon Stone. Hmmm. No. No. Not now.