Sound of trumpets, enters Paulus Emeritus Grand Poo Bear of China Panda Droppings.


‘The Pax America is not the natural order of things.’


Aussie BS Interpretor: 


Those Americans can shove it right up the clacker. It is our money.’


’Trump has no appetite for war.’


‘As above. Bugger off.’


It is not the Soviet Union. The US must adjust to the reality of China.’


It’s my bloody Imperial project and I’ll determine how this goes, troggies’


‘India’s GDP will not rival China’s’


You’re dreamin’. 


‘US must decide where vital interests lie’


‘With me. Remember who deregulated. That’s right. I’m your Daddy. Who has an investment home or two?’


‘The hysteria of the media.’


‘I own you. No-one compares to me.’ 


John Lee US Study Centre: China has fiscally spent too much on national security and needs to spend more on ageing. 


‘China is a dirty old hag and needs to go jump. It’s that or shares in a dermatologist. We’re gunna win.’


Paul Maley, Oz defence journalist: What do you all think? 


Ignore. Cyborg. Deadset. Probably military intelligence on the side.


Martin Parkinson, former PM&C:  China is not monolithic. What is it trying to achieve? 


Deflect, pose, deflect. Onya Marty. Hey, what does Treasury look like? Any money? 


Richard Marles, Opp Defence: We need a guiding philosophy. 


Idiot didn’t see the Aussie tourism ad. He’s wearing a George Hamilton tan. Just got off the sun-bed. Ignore. Hey, anyone want to talk about what is happening in South Australia? 


Denis Richardson, Canberra Godfather: What do you suggest? 


Oh good onya Richard. Clown. We don’t do philosophy in defence. We do strategy. 


Marles: A bi-partisan 


Piss off Denis. I am trying to make a point here and get more votes. Go back to Washington. 


Richardson: We’re going fine.


Defenced ‘up the gonads. I know everything. 


Hamish Douglass, Magellan Funds: China is a great opportunity and I would ignore it at your peril. 


Chinese officials in the audience. How do I spell Uighar? Is that with a yuan? 


Andrew Michelmore, Mining Honcho: I think regarding China, you have to do things differently now. 


If we played dirty before, we just play dirty, better. I love mining. Greenies piss off. 


John Lord, Huawei: Huawei is a completely innocent party and as ex-NAVY I trust it completely. 


Don’t ask about cables, submarines or why ex-NAV is working with a possibly outlawed Chinese tech company. Its top secret.


Albert Tse, Chinese Capital Stuff, Honey: We’re not all trying to take over the world. 


But making money helps. Look at me. Don’t ask how I got here. 


David Irvine FIRB and Cyber Security:  Tech theft and data protection are the big issues. 


You need us. We are so protective of you little people, said the Canberra Cardinal. Kiss my ring. 


Get me a bucket


Female Media Panel: There should be more Chinese experts. We feel threatened. China should let us do our work. 


Poor us. We are so lowly and so rarely given the opportunity to say our piece. But we work for the media. The one that gets to talk a lot. We are all women. Look how important we are! Boo-hoo.


Oscar race here. 


This whole bastard conference is about China. I wish I was bloody China.