Vladimir Putin i/v 


Dressed in black ball gown, converse and jewels. tiara.


Pootie Pootie Pootie




Vladimir! How do I look? Do I look tragically morosely Russian but with a fire pit of hell? I’ve always wanted to me a stuffed Russian President before he dies. Are you on the same thing as Lenin? That sure is some sheep placenta. Puffy. But nice. Classy.


I am the Russian President.


Nah, you the KGB. With executive perks. You so sexy in that rich Russian sweaty sort of way. Let me hold your cheeks.  Oh like the skin of new born babies fleeing to London on a private jet. Do you have a private jet? Wait. Kosmos. Kismet. Ruskva. Vodka. 


This is no time to be playing games. We are busy making sure our deals hold up. 


Vat vatch? Oh deals. You mean I takka the Ukraine? Didn’t you have enough in Chechnya? Breadbasket me. Not Ukraine. 


You don’t know what you are talking about. These are complex times. 


Sure are. You Mussie and Israeli threesome baby! You’re with the hordes in the UN. That’s some Russian spirit. Can I St Petersburg you? I have a rose garden and some expensive art that someone stole from someone stole from someone and now I trade for 


No. You cannot. Politics is complex. 


How? The ice melts, you ship things, we eat penguin slushies presto, you iz ruining my Century. Ah no aya lake it.


Is that your Russian accent? 


Maybe. A regional consort of non-denominational determination. 


You mean non-determined denomination. 


Same thing. Not until 2040 darling. We are not the enemy.


You want to Arctic me? 


What do you know about icebreakers? There are no penguins in the Arctic. 


Canadian sheep? 


No no 


DNA love muffin Fluffy Trudo!!  All that and more sweaty palms. You have hairdryer under the sea? You want money? I give you money. We go havies in big ship.  I give you Europe, you give me Arctic. We have a deal? 


You know nothing 


I Repin your Sorov heart Pootie. Where you put Mikhail Gorbeybarishnakov? He was a great political dancer. Marry Jessica Lang and poof! The country no more. No more Soviet. 


We are dealing with serious accusations. We no steal no erection. We have our own. 


Oh darling, you take me to your Arctic, I marry you cheap cheap! What you do with the ice. Stoli Ice not so nayyyyce Vladeeeeemmmiiiirrrr. Tell me, what you do with the Passage? We can Eurasian Passage together, make video as one, together in a big European Wet Dream. Come to Masha, but no hanky panky with ze nerve agent. We need ze Great Purple Mussel compos 


The Australian rock? 


Sort of. Changes colour depending on who climbed it that day. 


I have palacinki with Xi. Too busy.


Oh you so human Vladimir. A sweaty sub session in the Barents we were born to match maker. Nuclear, Carter, you and me.


You have a degree? 


Um, what Celsius today? Climate change mineral base. No sweaty Perdis for me. 


I have to Syria. 


You Kurilled the Japs?  Does Andre know?




If you don’t know Andre I take Siberia back. No fashion clueless get near a woolly mammoth Fendi /19


I have no idea 


Listen. Stop. No-one wants your poison. It was best-seller years ago but people moved it.  We have circumspect understated oils that don’t hysteradicate pets. Don’t try to biological me. I’m not a nerve agent. 




Yelling What I want is a new NK retina!!! Softly stroking his face So we can fleece paparazzi at aerodrome biological security. I don’t want Bruno find me again. He’s a real pain and wants US Alan Greenberg.


I can’t


Don’t tell me Dolph Lundgren what you can’t do with that Fat Boy! Lipo easy! No more borin’ stompy parades! I want Men In Black run beside BMW on way to complex. It’s me! It’s me! Waves hand as if out window Do they have Dior? 


No DMZ, 


But I packed it. Luck with me.  And hydration IV before we fly fly. We get me some new tooshies before Rodman finds out. Oh and if you see Gerard sea walrus, no camera. We’ll be unfollowed on Instagrammatical.


Not in North Korea dumpling. Not in North Korea.