Yeah, so I was called Albert Speer the other day.
I mean, not out but you know, just casually like, in a conversation, like ‘get to work with the design + architecture and stuff’.
The best bit was the follow up,
I said, what do you mean?
I mean, because really I did think I just misunderstood.
Well he said, ’the alternative not being nice.’
Like what I said?
‘Like being shot.’
Yeah, that was the fucking icing on the cake. Not just mushroom clouds in your coffee but you know, the allusions that if I don’t get back to work, I could be shot.
These are the guys that have promoted Yankeeville, under the cover of guise, that are still on the payroll and have spent a lifetime calling out the Nazi’s for running concentration camps – fucking Oscars for that shit – and they are threatening me over a phone line to get back to work or I would be shot.
Oh you’re a fucking genius.
Australia you’re standing in it.
Too fucking right there.
Nah, it gets better than that.
The very same phone call, the very same human, says ‘well you can accuse me of many things, but I am always nice to everyone’
Seriously, this dickhead must think I am living on a planet in Shitsville or something because this guy spends most of his time gossiping about people and taking them down.
‘Yeah, if that is the case why do you bastards spend most of your time bitching about powers that are not in your orbit?’
Like Russia, dopey.
Or should we publish the Twitter feed? Cause that’s really complex stuff and worthy of our time.
‘They are idiots. We hate them.’
Oh fuckin’ goodonya.
Must have pissed someone off because a phone call like that pretty much lets you know about the crowd they are rolling with.
It sure as shit ain’t my crowd.
I thought the men loving men thing was sort of over in the town.
Can talk about each other in glowing terms all fucking day.
‘Your brother is so amazing’
Oh, get a room.
If I don’t get to call a deceased male war hero Albert Speer or Ana I am seriously going to call in the Female Cops.
I am always nice to everyone.
These boys are having a good tug.
You just play dirty while getting money from big powers and then get awards!
Don’t fucking start me today.
When I am re-birthed, so help me God I will make money from talking myself up and pissing on the little kids while talking Fair Go Australia.
Who makes these people?
Moral discussion on AI is clearly AWOL.
So that’s handy.
Wait, let me guess.
You are Morally Clean and Able while destroying someone else.
That’s some fucking balls.
Can’t wait for them to spend hours talking about Freeing Julian Assange.
‘Ah Dickhead, didn’t you ring me and threaten me the other day?’
So, I just lay down in the Sun.
Plopped myself on the balcony and soaked that shit up.
Fuck ‘em Joe.
Sometimes I think the Philip he say, Agnes, your clue go on holiday sometimes and I think, yes, it is true but sometimes it come home to me.
Long time holiday, for sure but it come and I give it hug and say, thankyou very much my darling for coming back to me like Prodigy, no problem for me.
And it come to me, that a lawng tyme ago, with the blood from smart but very naughty boy from long ago, that the Victoria she like the boy from me, and he do great things. Mah really.
But the little Agnes, she know the block, and she think ‘mah what he do to the Great Ecky Thump Land of People Who Traverse the Globe And Do Great Things?’
And I think he very naughty boy, maybe he say something to the Yankee Poodles and the people Who Before Not Like the Ekky Thump Because Of Years Ago But They Fix That So but anyway And So the The Yankee Poodle Was Born.
I say it and it is true.
The true sometimes also go on the holiday with me.
The Yankee Poodle from before He Was With The Ekky Thump That Before Fight The War that the Yankee Won From the Ekky Thump and the U2 they got the help from the Yankee for the PACE that now it stay.
But Agnes, she think about this and she think.
Mah these people very funny because why they no like the Empire That Was Before And Then They Have The Empire That Was Before.
Like, almost exactly but with new people.
And the Thatcher she not for the turning but she turn for the Actor With the Bad Memory.
This is very funny for Agnes.
Before, when the fat one Who Drink Alot Win The War But Make British Empire Little Building That the Yankee Hide in When He Lose The War From the Yellow People well
The Yankee he wait and he wait like the very smart boy and he take, no problem.
And the art, from the Booty, it go to them. For sure, no problem.
Mah this is no problem but now the Agnes, the clue come back to her and she be the Yankee Poodle.
Mah but no poodle for her! She have the real one. She have two and it one.
And she wait.
Big Empire for her.
If the clue no go on the holiday.
Jaime Packer interview
Hello. Who is this?
This is Agnes. speaks slowly You understaaaand me? hand cups phone The Jaime. He has dyslexic. But not really. It just pretend that way. Very funny little fat fatha
Hello my friend! You mix the red and the green? What is your problem?
What is wrong with this phone? What the American satellites not work over road? They have empire and the little chubby boy
Who is this?
Oh this is Agnes for very important interview. Kerry and I we fix it so everything good. Blackfella eat goanna and goodbye problem. You see? I fix for you. Slate sparkle and everything. Little boy where that fat girl go for? Why you no hava tha gel she no like the OneTel mah you have babies and everything!
I’m sorry. I don’t know
The Alex. He no understand the Asha like me! Macau problems for you go walkies! Hello what you need those for?
I think you might
to the side He no understand but really he does he and the Big One they no want the Chink Chonks to write the last line agreement, so he pretend
What? What did you just say?
I just tell them about how you clever and where the money
Mah Jaime no pretend to me!! What you do up there in the Honkers! aside The Jaime he have the big boys and I don know what you think? I think I no like the Casino but it is for him and the colour little too much for the Agnes she think hello, I think I am out of here, what goes on here my little boy?
Um, I really can’t say
Mah, no worry my little chubby boy! No need no Tom Cruise, we do it all. I talk to the Honkers, I talk to the Mainland, I talk to the little pimple one who wear LA clothes who make those plain clothes? These bambinos no like the fashion I think, mah, thank you Allah for Kanye and King James otherwise I think the little skinny white boy with money like to look like dishcloth for us to wipe the floor. What they think? They think Mexican like them more if they wear the paw clothes? Ay dunno. I think it better if I speak to the Oprah and well, Belarus, I dunno.
Are you suggesting that
No mah darling! I no want Walker and Peacock on my coochie! They too boring fah me. They Double Bay foo us, we leave it behind in the dust. Bye Bye but I get you gel with the idea and no worries for me. Mah I have the clicker on the clacker and you see with Big Five Eyes you see that this is for the Best Ones! Mah but I see everythin’ we wait the digital I don’ no but for sure you must make the new ones! Because the camera on the people is little boring for meee, they no interestin’ no? We make more fun in the Asha I have the program for us.
Mah if you want the Yankee Poodle just talk to me I no everywun and we do it on Big Ship near the Island. Not the bad Island though. But I forget which one Good Island and Which Bad Island?
I talk to Yankee Poodle and find out. They like to talk mah Donnie we work it out on tha Gulf Course. Qatar. PSG for sure is good looking Mussie French boy and Isabella and I, we not fritened. No Carla for us!
I take the sword from the Lake Burley Griffen. Geffen. No Griffen, for minute there I think I am in the Land of Lachlan big house with the tunnel. Hello Lachlan! Party for Agnes what you do in the tunnel? No problem for me the Other Brother from the Same Mother why you need to hide we have no problems! I am like the Rupert we do it no matter no hide for us! But mah no, I am in the Canbra where the Sheep in the Wolves clothing win Chook raffle for the people. No problem for us.
Today, I go for the swim (in bikini and flippers and floaties) mah I do this to pull tha sword from tha lake mah my little PJK he say to me, Agnes, you in big trouble you not be with the people you go and get the sword and I say mah PJ, look at this! I do it all for you and I will be better than you by ten times you think you only One in the world with the good clothes to Be in the Tin Humpy? Mah no mate! Look at this! This is a J Curve! Mah hello I am onto you PJK. No problem for me. The sword, it like zippity zop straight into the little hand of Agnes. I do the chopper and I do the sexy clothes and I do the maps I do it all and no problem for me.
But now, the flippity flop into the what is this? Is this the Lake or what? What in here exactly? I don’t know. Mah maybe they no like someone and I don’t know. What you think? What the fish in the pond here? Bloody barracuda mate. I don know about that koi. It very orange to me look like the Quack Quack face.
Hoppy, what you think about the water here? Yeah, me too. I think maybe I don’t know.
Anyway (has the mask) we be off like Herd of Turtles.
When I come back, I have the sword.
And we do it for the Lebanon. crosses herself.
And I say to myself, mah what is wrong with the criss cross? The criss cross is good for us no? It is very confusing but like the riddle but what you know about the riddle? The smart gels and boys they like the riddle so I do it better than them.
The left and the right not know where it go and I change it so nobody can see where it been or going.
The people, the big ones, they say ‘Agnes, why you do this?’ and ‘why you not go To See the Big Things’ and I say to them ‘Mah what you think, you think I do not know about Plausible Deniability Mate?
They think you are very stupid. They not know we are very clever but On The Inside.
But it is true. I do this very good because it is true. My clue go on holiday very much and The Ability well, it is plausible. But it is true.
The Letterman he say, enough the Agnes! No Roxanne for me baby! No more. And I say, maybe.
What your problem with the big nose and the big body? You know what they say! Agnes, she know this!
This is why I think, better I not in the Land of the Chocolate Muslim because Maybe, Too Many Good Looking Noses For Me.
And this is a problem.
I no want the boys from the Los Palos to be the jealous because I not think of them. Greater Sunrise and for sure.
Mah maybe you never seen them before. But baby, this is problem for you, not for me.
Hello foreign affair! It affair of heart for sure.
This serve us.
I do it all.
Elizabeth and Aide-de-Camp
And what are we to do? To tell the people that they must smite the Chinese hordes while asking them to stay silent and not report
Report with respect for
Not report or acknowledge the hypocrisy of a war that if indeed ever came to pass would be, like all wars, the death penalty for those on the losing side? Our democracy it would seem wants to mirror the other side. And how then, are we to ever garner support for foreign policy?
It was an interview with the presiding government official that clearly laid out
The idea that journalists should not report anything that
You are our leader Madam and as such
No leader wants sycophants running alongside them offering unpalatable uncontested views
Your own policy Madam
That interview was ripe for satirical riposte and I assure you many years ago it would not be allowed to run in a country born of the rum rebellion and sharpened on the legends of outlaws
It won’t be
There is no place for complacency now! I want a satirical run on foreign policy and I want some sharp blades
You cannot order creativity like some
I see. The Sistine Chapel painted itself did it? Or is it a problem with ageing vaginas? What is Australia going to win? The Bland Brass Spoon?
American hegemony was born of cunning and chutzpah. What you are doing is what you did in the 20th Century. You made sure a narrative of suffering was applied to ensure the best talents of the Jewish Diaspora went Westward, straight into the hands of the Americans. An empire was born and England went kaput. Of course later, the Americans cap in hand went to the UK and said ‘please help us with the Communist hordes’ and they obliged. Obviously, the Western advance is greater than historical memory. And now, our little Five Eyes wants the best minds of Asia into our wonderfully democratic hands when in fact, the country is still ruled legally, by virtue of a convenient constitutional aberration, by the Queen. Making arguments about authoritarian countries somewhat obsolete. We won’t mention the Saudi’s or in fact, the governance of most Islamic allies or the fact, that while the Uighar situation is wrong, incarceration rates in the Western world
The State must at some stage
Fashion a narrative. You cannot argue that the security law of Hong Kong is a problem if Kashmir and our own laws are a mirror to those very same laws.
But we must ensure
You can give 290 billion to an industry that has no accountability and on an environmental score, rates close to zero. What are you going to do, argue that tanks and lasers are ‘green’ technology? Made with recycled bottles? Please, entertain me.
If the security environment demands
What security environment? Which one? What you don’t like is that the Yellow People can make money. And I have not seen you stop any of the dams upstream
That is a matter of security politics
That is a matter of the environment as much as politics. Much like the health of the citizens of this country who deserve to be ruled by people who care if they live or die. Or is that irrelevant to the greater cause?
The dam is an issue for Egypt and
What is that great large dome in Addis Ababa for? It seems to me, these very powerful and intelligent people that run the world are incapable of looking after the very same people they claim to represent.
When we are talking about energy
Yes. I’ve seen. I’ve seen what takes precedence over all else. If this country is to savour it’s earth, it will have to make a very strong case for immediate demands. I’d start making your case for your Foreign Policy. Until then, I’ll suffice with Looking North. And the end of the Trojan War. They tell me history makes a strong case.
With all due respect, you cannot pause progress Madam
You are asking me to choose which child should suffer amongst all my children. That is not a choice nor progress.
Harry and Meghan
Chose to run an independent race. The division, like many in history, is a chimera. Stay on the side of history. Or I should have no-one interesting to talk to. Keep up.
arched eyebrow. saunters off
‘Halo, Halo DFAT! Halo my little baby I luffff youuuuuu’
Asha Asha I luff youuuuuuuu
Hello Hello you work here no? Here in big building where big girls work in important no? Oh my god you Asian? You Chinese? You Singaporean or Mainland Chink Chong?
Naaawwwww???? You look like nice rich rich super rich you no mainland no?
Tsk tsk those shoes no good dahling, naw we like something bling blingity bling yeah can tell you from DFAT chain gang dahlink, what you do there? You type ity type with those little fingers (grabs fingers) oh naaaaaayyycccceeeeee Yeah they nice rool nice you no trash dahling what you do in there? You export me? I live sheep I pretty lovely lamb no mutton no I dooonnnnnn wannnnaaa go on the ship it to hooot, no I can’t, no La Mer for me on hot ship, me australian lamb, top quality live export
Oh I see
Oh Middle East
Same same. Middle East like Asia too no? How many languages you speak you speak what? Fendi? I speak Fendi you speak Fendi? Just little look in there, quiet like little lamb, I tippity toe like Punk Panther Punk Panther and I we no Silence of the Lambs we standing tall and DFAT baby no? More money for UUUUSSSSS!!! We Australian Noveau Riche!! How many apartments you got?
But I need you baby don go, yoou my new Asian friend! We take over world together! You want IP! I got IP baby!!!
Oh here is another one she look very serious very serious DFAT business Franky and Linda and Marise you no fuck wid the ladies people, they flip you on the mat you no hanky panky
Hello Serious Sally who you it?
I said you you it what you do in there I come wid u, (talks on Fendi shoe) hello hello we just coming through yes I will be there in a Jiffy I waiting to be molested by security guard but I only have pretend computa I no want to get in ze liddle trouble in oone of the big houses
Oh hello! (waves) Oh hello! Very nice people these nice people they no look like robots at all! (Waves in front of face) No they seem human and everytink. I think. Where we go dahling oh sorry Mr Security I VIP I VIP I Dotty Scotty’s DFAT trade liasoning it too much for me but he love me what I do? What I do?
(cut to a Beyonce clip on the roof with the Parli House in the background with all staffers)
If you liked it
You should have put a ring on it
If you liked it
Should have put a ring on it
We run the world!
Who runs the world?
Who runs the world?
cut to interview with serious pencil
‘So let’s say you have a round of beers. How big are the round of beers for trade with the US? But with your arms like this how big? And how big round of beers for China? How big round of beers for UK? Like little FTA like little red bus or big Thomas the Tank Engine big? ‘
(Goes over to the desk, start picking up all the things on the desk, throwing them up and down, hiding behind the curtains dressing like a ballroom dress)
And how much big money from China? Like Secret City big? Or big like BBIIIIIIIGGGGG?
You take money from China? You take money from Yankee big ship take you on nice dinner I bet? Where you go? Canberra Civic?
Refugees hide on big ship? Those big Yankee money ships bigger than 500 cars! I think. I don know. I don know. But no swimming pools like PnO. No slip and slide I no layke. I think no fun. You like? You like big Yankee ships?
Yeah. Secret City. You like Secrets. I know you! Me too. Well, naht really (crosses fingers and then blesses herself kisses beads) I promised to Him when I not doing Scotty from The Shire and dahling it come from the Tush That Walks because that will light up like no tomorrow when
Oh I am sorry. Work? Work? What work? Here! laughs You no work dahling you take rich little ambassadors spawn to talkey talkey no? Soo much fun. Just like PR but like with little countries and stuff. Who we do this week?
Who we do? I mean, where Malaysian Brunei oil king for me I Petronas you sideways. I do for free. You hotel COVID overseas trip you two weeks together?
Naw? Oh you no fun. They have cameras here? You do it all on side?
Well I learn real quick so your DFAT honey pot safe with me sugar yeah mmm thas for sure
I’m Your Baby Tonight by Whitney Houston or I Touch Myself by Divinyls
Oh look Minister!!!!
Halo Halo!!! Halo Halo!!!!
Halo Mr Wonkey Wonk Wonk Plonkety Plonk I here to make us Richie Rich!
Oh he a little bawing little man need some food u stinky thin you get Bali belly or no? Too much Bali belly? tsk tsk bawls LINDA! LINDA! LINDA! Where Linda? She Five Eyes or no?
sighs I told yah no late to Zoom date? What she for late to Zoom? No good for us! We DFAT an everything I think I look good on that desk, no? But no Sharon Stone. Hmmm. No. No. Not now.