Tag: knock it off (Page 3 of 6)

 

Welcome to the Confidential Confidentiality Confidential

 

We here at Confidential Central will make sure that everything you write is entirely confidential

 

Confidentiality is our motto

 

We might come up and repeat things you have only ever thought or spoken in private but 

 

It is just entirely confidential!

 

What we want here at Confidential Central is your complete confidentiality

 

How would we know what you are saying or thinking?

 

We are Confidentiality Plus.

 

We are a benevolent society wanting good and purity instilled into every human being

 

We sell elixirs at incredible prices just for you!

 

And organic vegetables that quite frankly, could be grown in horse shit on top of world class chemicals but at least it looks authentic and that’s what matters.

 

As long as you look like you are rural and down at home, the world will be saved.

 

Because we like to ensure complete confidentiality that somehow just fails to mention the incredible price paid for electronic data sold onto consumer groups, we’ll ensure that any breach of your privacy remains confidential and exonerated by a two page letter that acknowledges the breach but does absolutely sweet FA about it.

 

Even if it includes medical records that could affect your insurance!

 

Or passed onto employers so you can be royally screwed in the arse.

 

How do you know that your information is protected?

 

First of all, we know everything.

 

Second, there is nothing you can do about it because we are fighting cyber crime and that is very important so you’ll just have to cope.

 

Third, any attempt to find out why we have complete control over the private information of individuals tapping into their computer at home is going to be run through some stupid legal maze that effectively renders your attempts to control this information useless.

 

That you choose to fight back by using the very surveillance that we claim doesn’t exist is noble but ultimately futile as we have rendered all individuals in the world completely boronic and totally up our hairy balled arseholes.

 

They prefer to post Instagram photos than detail any particular concern that might affect, you know, someone blackmailed over comments they made privately and were totally legit.

 

Fourth, here at Confidentiality Central we are working on behalf of The Service so everything we do here must be Top Secret and not at all open to any of the legitimate arms of justice touted in our ‘Justice For All’ mantra thrown about for PR purposes and a shit load of conquest.

 

We, in fact, can do whatever we want and in particular, be part of any violent retribution we see fit in accordance with our ‘We Are So Christian’ motto.

 

Just remember.

 

Here at Confidentiality Central, we really support women – just not people that do not support Confidentiality!

 

Even if that Confidentiality might affect the health of thousands of people and even some poor bastard in Other Countries not as powerful as us.

 

Welcome to our beautiful world.

 

We want you to explore and be prosperous.

 

Just on our terms.

 

And yes, those terms are entirely confidential.

 

 

 

Yeah no feck no

Oh feckin hell

For fecks sake

 

Look here I am

 

Ain’t it a right royal blast

Headlines of the day

 

‘Hugh White says we must have more nuclear weapons’

 

Oh thanks very feckin’ much Hugh

That’s a feckin’ great contribution

Must put that one away in the scrap book

Who feckin’ knew

 

Boats, South China Sea and now

He wants us to feckin’ leach

The groundwater with some

Rubbish

 

That we export anyway

Sell it on

To some bastard in the Sth China Sea

May or may not be an ally

 

Feckin’ hell Hugh

What a feckin’ book

Who the feck knew

Imagine you’re like all smart and stuff

 

Know a few languages

Like I don’t know

Sanskrit

Or

Sand castles

 

Seventeen years at university

And then you gotta read that rubbish

 

O thanks very much

Might just be like Americah

And keep burying shit into the ground

From a plane you might as well

Just write the feckin’ Armageddon now anyway

 

Oh look another silo!

Can’t agree on where to bury it

 

But good on Jolly Roger!

Let’s keep this thing going because it is good feckin’

idea!

 

Oh A one champs!

 

You are really workin’ those little

Nano brain cells out!

 

Not hard is it!

 

Not like it’s a mathematical theorem

 

‘Toxic waste left over earth divided by

Two the square of dopey’

 

Feck me fellas!

Oh look! War games in the North!

Oh who feckin’ knew

Ten years of that rubbish

Think we’re stupid do yah

I swear to feckin’ god

 

I would like to know

Who doesn’t work for the government

Around here

I mean, is there anyone left

Who is remotely normal?

Not feckin’ likely is it?

Oh feck no

 

‘Oh she’s a real danger that one.

Full of mouth and wit

Let’s just truss her up in

Our new little fascist domain’

 

Can’t find a feckin’ enemy

And it’s not like you could

Find your way out of the hallways

Of the feckin’ cyber security HQ anyways

Now could yah?

 

Grand

Seventeen years at university

And I want to find on a computer

Someone doing something bad

By typing

On a computer

 

It’s not like black leather

And a blow job is it

 

Male models

And a swimmin’ pool!

 

No, it feckin’ ain’t

No big feck off parties

Tell a joke

And they’ll have you up

On charges they will

 

‘You did not read the memo

On fashion in the circle

Of knowledge

We are quite

Sensible

And wear shoes you only

Ever see on

Repressed

Lousy lays

That think government

Exciting’

 

Have you seen those shoes?

 

I have.

 

I’m like

 

I don’t think we’re in the same club people

No

I do not think we are in the same feckin’ club

 

Swear to feckin’ god

They’re the ones you put on

Someone who has died

And has no shoes

They keep them

In a cupboard

Just for that

 

Feck me

Feckin’ debacle

 

‘Aha! The shoes for the dead people with no shoes.

We found these in Canberra in 1997

It was a peace rally for the

Under Represented Minorities of

I’ll Have That Land Thanks

And a little bit of money

For my effort.’

 

Australia needs to arm against China

 

Feck Hugh!

No-one wants to hear your 2002 views around here!

I did that already and the world has moved on son!

 

Moved on!

 

Maybe I’ll grow a beard

Sell my personality

And then get interviewed

By bastards clever enough to know

This is shite mate

 

Feckin’ shite if ever there was some

 

For fucks sake

 

Grow a brain

Yer talkin’ out your arse mate

National embarrassment

 

I mean

Mara bloody linga

Even I

Can spell that.

I’m A Toe Tappin’ Intellectual Of the Canberra Variety Song 

 

 

I’m a toe tappin’

Intellectual

Of the Canberra Variety

 

Just look at my shoes

And you got a sense of my

Propriety

 

We totally get off

On long articles

About completely

Nothing

 

And we discuss it

And conferences

That no-one in their right

Mind would want to go to

Unless they had left their

Brain

At the servo

While eating

A muffin

 

Yeah

 

We’re diabolically

Complete

We’ve got string theory

Or laser theorems

Up to our

Big ears

 

And we like to discuss

The theoretical notions

Of human rights in half Pygmy

Land

Or

Water rights

In a totally exotic nation

 

But water rights in our own country

 

Well

 

Ning Nong Moron

Thinks he can bugger with our

Great Barrier Reef

He can piss off

Just piss right off

 

Or we’ll cause a blockade

On our Paddleboard’s

Surfboards from Byron

 

Hell yeah

They got no clue

 

They’re not poisoning the last bastard place

They haven’t botched

With some economic escape

We’ve got fish that look like danglers

Colours to blow your hair

That’d be a great idea

 

No

You can take your dumb arse

Ideas mate

And shove it up another nation

 

You boys have lots of big places

You can toxify the waters

It’s only a national treasure

A marine protected zone

 

A world’s best

That you can’t test

You bastardised the Pacific

Now bugger off

Or we’ll form

A human

Shield

 

Oh we’re a toe tappin’ bureaucrat

In the world’s most boring place

You’re not allowed to say that

Or they wear a very long face

 

They like to wear their shirts

Like the bastards you avoided at school

 

Yeah

 

They’re totally

Boronic

 

Totally

Moronic

 

And the most

Boring Decals

You’ll ever get to

Knnnnooooowwwwwww

 

Avoid at all costs.

 

Hello Al Jazeera we are in lockdown!

Someone threatened rich media blah blaher in rich country which host World Cup soccer and have ear of Emir and we need full page ad in New York Times!

No worries about those little Mussie mules in occupied territory!

We are real ones threatened.

Can you imagine being locked up in air conditioned bunker and thrown $ to write stories about gasps unfair things unfair fair things we are important and we not be threatened!

Lucky poor people have us.

Yes.

We save them by using our mouth.

Very lots of money for using our mouth.

Jared Kushner not know how play things no!

MMMM

Jared think we going to fall for economic real estate bonanza?

He look like cyborg with cheekbones, I think stem cell fell into his face and then spread to Western journalist.

They know nothing!

We already make cyber hokey pokey Israelis not know how we do it! You think they only ones know how to tap into computer?

Look our computers here!  Shows a shell of an 80’s computer we learn great things from Chinese and Russians and more money than you so we no longer fast cars and whores baby! This new Middle East.

You no I M PEI me, Look how great we are and we only small Arab tribe with many wives? How many wives you got?

We so democracy, look how democracy we are! We too have poor people build our stuff! They no air conditioning but wait!

Dubai think they only one make snow?

We do better! We bigger.

How many clouds Donald’s mansion have on roof huh? We have clouds on roofs mall and poor people can see too!

We Al Jazeera democracy baby.

We fight like real heroes.

I not know where we get money for full frontal nudity claim in New York Times.

No can tell.

Emir cut my balls off if I tell.

 

 

Sorry Poor Winston

She was heard to cry

Raising a glass

To the Hero of the Night

 

A Hero He Not,

She would gladly oblige

Staking a Claim to a Very Big Sky

 

Sorry Poor Winston

Was A Hopeless Fool

Selling off the Empire

With a Conversation or Two

To New Kid on Block

 

Agreed No Less

They Probably Had Sex

In the Chair, She led

 

To Those in the Know

They knew what was Next

 

‘It was Eleanor not of Aquitaine

Who ran The Lot

She Probably Got Winston

Drunk on The Pot

 

And there Went The Empire

Down The Gurgler or Two

Agreed Between Men

And Women a Few

 

Shapeless and Faceless

They Determine the Fate

Still the Same

Blank Faces

Curious Names

And No Status

 

There Went the Empire

They Were Ready

Alright

 

What a Glorious Moment

No Longer the Madam of the East

Or Regal Brow

Poor England Fought the Fascists

But Lost the Crown

 

And Ere Twixt My Words

Runs a Warning To those

Most Cowed 

 

When it is Lost

And You Have Lost It

When your Leaders Chose

Foreign Gods As Their

Wrestling Proud

 

Remember Sweet Darling

All Could Ave Been Different

But Chose They Did

For a Quid and a Pound

 

Sold You All Off

As You Were Being Bombed to The Ground

And Still you Triumphant

The Western Rule of Law

Didn’t Do Too Much, Did It

When They Broke You To Pieces

 

Oh Glorious England,

Oh Countries of Foreign Soil

An Empire is Forbidding

But Watch the One

Egging On

The Ministries

 

It Might Be That Same One

That Delights

Most

In Your Prostrate

Form

 

Ah what are these

But small postscripts to history’s play!

 

Poor Winston

A Fool

Sold it off for a Few

 

Gather Ye round

And protect your Lot

For she is not backward

But history’s

Snot.’

 

(She sneezed

And it blew

And she cautioned

Her Way

Not Lot

But Snot

Rushdie

Nose &

Delightfully

Prosetic)

 

 

Well we didn’t like the idea that we were Heston! It simply isn’t true!

It was a joke you boronic imbecile. What is the with the dumbo ships and Iran

It has caused a right royal pain

Oh pffuffle. You’re up to your neck in intrigue. Imagine when Paddington gets in. ‘The Boorish Bear Ignites Male Fantasy’. First, the Prim Governess May and now a Bear to help all the Etonians feel loved. Gosh, you have moved on England.

The Huawei

I can never pronounce it. How do I pronounce it? Good old Angela making sure the Yanks get it right up the proverbial. I guess she doesn’t like to be reminded of enemies. And walls. And wars. Funny that. Only decimated the whole productive country for decades. Why would they have a thing about it? Who would have thought? A former devastated country thinking twice about choosing. Gosh. Those Germans must have read a book or two. Who knew.

 

 

 

We are proud to announce the marriage of Ms Crumbwobbli Four-eyed Pitcock and Grand Alpha Small Doodle Poo Bear.

 

They met while testing algorithms at a test site deep inside a Nitro Coffee Bar in Silicon Valley. Ms Crumbwobbli’s hairy forearm touched Small Doodle Poo Bear’s Peaked Graphite Peak and the rest is, as they say, history. 

 

Their first date was a trek through the Bolivian Andes where Ms Crumbwobbli picked up many anthropological insights into Poor People Funded by China but Still Flocked By America with Multiple Local Benefits. 

 

The local ethnic ponchos were an endless source of delight for both much more so than the Poor Bastards Wearing Them and they set up a clothing company distributing Rough Hewn Tents through North America. 

 

If you are staying at any of the resorts with lower font 90’s white writing and ethnic vermillion hammocks, you will find yourself jaunting down the beaches looking faintly ridiculous as you Heidi Klum your way through Poor Pets countries. 

 

A part of the Poor Possums network, both Crumbwobbli and Small Doodle Poo Bear fund Children’s literacy programs throughout the region. Neither know when to use ‘neither’ ‘nor’ and have a problem with split infinitives. Basic grammar is also a problem. 

 

After removing her hormonal implant, Crumbwobbli plans to have many more dyslexic children some of whom may make it to University on an athletic scholarship. 

 

The wedding will take place in an appropriate setting with lots of natural light, a bouquet of deformed twigs, and a shot to camera from over the left shoulder. In black and white. 

 

Crumbwobbli’s father is Admiral Beau Fogbottom the 30th who led the successful anti-terrorism NATO mission in FrogFrouFrouLand, securing much needed natural resources for the Empire and picking up a child or two. 

 

Her Mother is CEO of Californian Creative Enterprises, a non-profit that turns wheelchairs into NASCAR worthy vehicles, an initiative that has won the Greenhouse Environmental Certification Prize ten years in a row. She also sits on that board. 

 

Grand Alpha Pooh Bear’s Father is an insurance agent for NDNFI, a natural disasters operation that seeks new opportunities for energy renewal. It involves  pincer like extraction from health claims involving oil and gas terminals on the environmental shore. He is well liked in the Pentagon. He is bald. 

 

Grand Alpha’s mother plays tennis three times a week and is busy running a rug export business out of Kazakhstan. 

 

They will take up residence in Norway, perfecting Penguin robotic deterrents at the Pop Up Submarine Warfare Simulation Site designed to piss off those Pretentious Arctic Pooftahs, the Bastard Russians. 

 

The robotic Penguins will also be used alcohol bearers for insipid whinging NATO troops who often wear ridiculous nighttime snow googles that don’t expose shit. 

 

They couldn’t shoot a Yeti in a snowstorm. 

 

Dickheads.